9/11 is always a weird date. The world trade centers are always a weird place for me.
My friends always want to go there when they visit, and tour companies always want me to lead tours there.
I always feel awkward because I feel like I'm supposed to feel all these emotions that I just don't feel. I don't well up with tears at the thought of our fallen heroes. I don't swell with hate at our enemies. I don't feel an incredible sense of national pride for how we ROSE ABOVE IT ALL and came out more unified than ever.
I feel like tragedies happen every day - why do we care more about this one than others?
I feel like when we say "never forget" what we mean is "never forget to hate our enemies" of which I believe nothing good will come. (I mean - maybe they don't deserve to be invited over for a potluck dinner, but remembering to hate is just - not a good thing.)
I feel people prove themselves heroic every day - in many ways. And they never get recognition.
And I don't feel we rose above it all. We didn't even initially go after the right people. We injected ourselves with fear - but gave the Bin Ladens diplomatic immunity. Our country is far more divided on issues now than it was 11 years ago. In many ways he was regressed.
Maybe I just feel this way because it was also my dog's birthday.
I also saw how my friends who lived in NYC at the time were effected. It wasn't pretty.
I do send love and healing thoughts into the world, and I respect people's feelings and emotions - whatever they might be.
And I think it bothers me everyone is posting about it on Facebook and crying and sobbing and "remembering." By why feel more pride TODAY than any other day. Shouldn't we ALWAYS love our country? Shouldn't we ALWAYS love our city? Shouldn't we ALWAYS honor EVERY hero?
It reminds me of a passage from Ibsen's BRAND:
It isn't love of pleasure that is destroying us.
It would be better if it were.
Enjoy life if you will.
But be consistent, do it all the time,
Not one thing one day and another the next.
Be wholly what you are, not half and half.
Everyone now is a little of everything.
A little solemn on Sundays, a little respectful
towards tradition; makes love to his wife after Saturday
Supper; because his father did the same.
A little gay at feasts. A little lavish
in giving promises, but niggardly
In fulfilling them; a little of everything;
A little sin, a little virtue;
A little good, a little evil; the one
Destroys the other, and every man is nothing.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
MoMA
Today I went to the MoMA with a new friend - then Loralee made us all macaroni and cheese for dinner and that was super fun. It was a labor day well spent! (PLUS - it helps new friend gets free admission into MoMA and enjoys taking photos of us imitating statues we see int he sculpture garden!)
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Dark River
I haven't posted here for some time, mangily because I've been afraid of what I might post. My mind hasn't exactly been "happy." It's actually been way darker than it's been for a very long time, possibly ever.
It is a feeling a failure. Complete failure at everything.
It is asking, how could I have worked so hard in the past week, been up at 6 a.m. every day, not home until 11 p.m., and still only made $28 for the ENTIRE WEEK. How is it possible to work for five tour guide companies, 1 pilates studio, and actor's equity, and make $28? How is it possible to be applying for jobs every week, both theatre and non-theatre, and have the sum total of my effort be - $28? There are seriously people who beg on the subway that make more money than I do.
It is trying to be thankful that I keep making it so CLOSE to getting theatre work, being overridden by the disappointment of never getting the cigar. And being frustrated that I don't know WHY. Every single bit of feedback I've been receiving is exceedingly positive. Be it my "look," my voice, my acting, my dancing. It's all positive. I can't figure it out. I don't know what I should be doing differently. What I can be doing differently. I take classes, I switched coaches, I tried t.v. and film, I try changing songs in my audition book. Nothing seems to work. It's just a constant feeling of not being enough.
It is the feeling of being sad because all of my friends are away - out of town - very very out of town. It is the frustration of feeling like everyone else is moving on - and I am still in the same spot, despite my efforts to change and grow. It's sitting alone on Friday and Saturdays, not having enough money to see a show or a movie, but having no friends in town aside from creepy guys who want you to keep them company while their wives are away. (WHY ARE GUYS SO CREEPY?) It's wanting to hang out with Kat, Cara, Courtney, Loralee, Jean-Paul, Reinking, anyone - and having them be in Washginton, Guam, California, Baltimore, Chataqua, LA. And while I certainly have lots of fun acquaintances - none of them really are in my "group." None of them are people I feel completely comfortable being ME with - and I just want my friends.
It's feeling like I've completely failed at any attempt at love. And wondering why every guy I date wants "more." Or wants to use me as a "placeholder" until something"better" comes along. And wondering, why am I not ever it?
It's a strange loneliness of every commenting on how happy and smiley I always am, but feeling this very very very dark undercurrent at all times. It's weird at equity to be called an "angel from heaven" and "the girl who makes auditioning a pleasure" and to collect so many guy's phone numbers (Many of whom I later learn ARE MARRIED! GAH!) but to be so confused and lost and frustrated.
I wonder why I've spent days and weeks learning tours that I give once a month. I wonder why I trained in pilates to NEVER be called in to teach. I wonder why I'm a talented "triple threat" who is without work. It's accepting I might have to become - gulp - a waitress - and still try to hold my head up high and smile and know that it's because I am in a completely monogamous and undying love affair with the cruel mistress that is theatre - and I think that the fight for one breath of ecstasy is worth it. And I can't have it any other way - silly silly girl that I am.
And it's being very sad that there was a time I seemed to make all of my wishes come true - and now being frustrated I can't make any of them come true. I can't even make my freaking "wish" to work RETAIL AT APPLE come true. How is that possible?
And yet - every day - I force myself to wake up and go into the fire once more, hoping that it will be the day the magic happens - and a beautiful wish comes true.
It is a feeling a failure. Complete failure at everything.
It is asking, how could I have worked so hard in the past week, been up at 6 a.m. every day, not home until 11 p.m., and still only made $28 for the ENTIRE WEEK. How is it possible to work for five tour guide companies, 1 pilates studio, and actor's equity, and make $28? How is it possible to be applying for jobs every week, both theatre and non-theatre, and have the sum total of my effort be - $28? There are seriously people who beg on the subway that make more money than I do.
It is trying to be thankful that I keep making it so CLOSE to getting theatre work, being overridden by the disappointment of never getting the cigar. And being frustrated that I don't know WHY. Every single bit of feedback I've been receiving is exceedingly positive. Be it my "look," my voice, my acting, my dancing. It's all positive. I can't figure it out. I don't know what I should be doing differently. What I can be doing differently. I take classes, I switched coaches, I tried t.v. and film, I try changing songs in my audition book. Nothing seems to work. It's just a constant feeling of not being enough.
It is the feeling of being sad because all of my friends are away - out of town - very very out of town. It is the frustration of feeling like everyone else is moving on - and I am still in the same spot, despite my efforts to change and grow. It's sitting alone on Friday and Saturdays, not having enough money to see a show or a movie, but having no friends in town aside from creepy guys who want you to keep them company while their wives are away. (WHY ARE GUYS SO CREEPY?) It's wanting to hang out with Kat, Cara, Courtney, Loralee, Jean-Paul, Reinking, anyone - and having them be in Washginton, Guam, California, Baltimore, Chataqua, LA. And while I certainly have lots of fun acquaintances - none of them really are in my "group." None of them are people I feel completely comfortable being ME with - and I just want my friends.
It's feeling like I've completely failed at any attempt at love. And wondering why every guy I date wants "more." Or wants to use me as a "placeholder" until something"better" comes along. And wondering, why am I not ever it?
It's a strange loneliness of every commenting on how happy and smiley I always am, but feeling this very very very dark undercurrent at all times. It's weird at equity to be called an "angel from heaven" and "the girl who makes auditioning a pleasure" and to collect so many guy's phone numbers (Many of whom I later learn ARE MARRIED! GAH!) but to be so confused and lost and frustrated.
I wonder why I've spent days and weeks learning tours that I give once a month. I wonder why I trained in pilates to NEVER be called in to teach. I wonder why I'm a talented "triple threat" who is without work. It's accepting I might have to become - gulp - a waitress - and still try to hold my head up high and smile and know that it's because I am in a completely monogamous and undying love affair with the cruel mistress that is theatre - and I think that the fight for one breath of ecstasy is worth it. And I can't have it any other way - silly silly girl that I am.
And it's being very sad that there was a time I seemed to make all of my wishes come true - and now being frustrated I can't make any of them come true. I can't even make my freaking "wish" to work RETAIL AT APPLE come true. How is that possible?
And yet - every day - I force myself to wake up and go into the fire once more, hoping that it will be the day the magic happens - and a beautiful wish comes true.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)