now....

I am sitting on my sofa surrounded by shakespeare books rovert notes and watching henry v...

Inspiration comes from the unlikeliest of places

I have been absolutely amazed at where I seem to find inspiration and help. There is a dance teacher named Matt Williams at my studio, who I don't know particularly well. I've taken his class 3 or 4 times when he taught open classes, but not he only teaches at the kids school at the studio - since I'm sadly no loner a "kid," I can't take it. Which is a shame because I think he is a fabulous choreographer - whose choreography uniquely has a sense of humor. It's rare to find choreographers who are truly uniquely funny without being "Schticky" or over the top. He has a really wonderful combination of being funny, intelligent, and multi-layered. Anyhow, I hardly ever see him, and I doubt he even knows my name, but he knows my face and his wife (who is lovely and kind) takes my ballet class. So I was waiting for work yesterday and he walked in and awkwardly said hello - the way you do when you only kind of know someone - and I just went for it and asked him for advice on "proposing a show" thinking he might have something useful I could use for RADA. In the ten minutes I had before work, he gave me so many inspiration ideas and helpful advice (more than ANYONE else has) - leaving my head spinning with the tool I needed to clarify my proposal and make it truly astounding! THANK YOU MR. WILLIAMS!

The other super helpful person has been my friend Dave - who keeps pointing out the differences between the English and American approach to life - which has proven immensely accurate. For example - he said Americans like to depend on recording, power point presentation, and pictures to prove a point, where in England - in school and usually at work - your point has to be prove primarily through words and discussion. In school, you actually have to give all your presentations PURELY verbally - no "mechanical help" - just as the RADA application says. Every American I ask - there first response is to bring in recordings of the music and of a taped staged reading, pictures, and create a power point presentation. (Matt was the ONLY one who seemed to be able to get over the "mechanical help" when I told him I couldnt use it - and offer VERBAl alternatives - for example instead of costume SKETCHES - obviously you can describe the costumes - BUT ALSO - pick some well knows designers who design IN THE STYLE you have in mind - whether it be in theatre or fashion - to help create a more solid visual. TO make it even stronger - tell the panel WHY they would design for your "Low budget studio production." It seems fairly obvious typing it - but I never thought of it.

Then - another random helpful person was CRAZY DANA - Reinking's BFF - who sent me all of her proposals she presents to the school board. (Dana teaches theatre at a public school in "the hood.") The format, order, and certain aspects of her proposals are extremely helpful. They arent verbal - they are written - but also dont provide "mechanical help. " I especially enjoyed the "essential questions this play is likely to raise" portion. It allows you to bullet point as many important points of the play as possible - before I was trying to eloquently put them together in a paragraph. Bullet points are much better.

So I went home last night after work, I promised Kat I'd watch "Gossip Girl" with her. (I have to say I love Kat - but - Gossip Girl seems rather - er ---- well - lame compared with the conversation with Matt Williams. Anyhow - we cooked a DELICIOUS meal from a Giada cookbook then as we were watching Gossip Girl - I continued to do research on-line - which all made ideas jump out at me like the illuminated patterns John Nash sees in A BEAUTIFUL MIND. SO I ended up watching Gossip Girl watching videos of cock-fighting and chicken farming surrounded by every copy of Henry V that I own all for a proposal of a Gore Vidal play...and oddly - even Gossip girl gave me a very important piece of information - how to "archetype" all the characters - socio-economically. Before I was trying to be too deep - but I realized - all the characters are socio-economic steoreotypes - old money - new money - the artist - the social climber - the working class - the lower class - it made it much easier.

I'm sure none of this makes sense if you don't know the play - but it's all very good!

Late night emotions

I don't think I should ever allow myself to want anything. I have found - the MOMENT you would do ANYthing for something - that's the moment it runs away. That's the moment it eludes you and disappears. Well - that's not true - I've had a lot of wonderful wishes that I wanted very badly that came true. Recently though, I wonder if I've used up all my wishes.

I was doing a reallllly good job of not caring about RADA, until I stopped to look for accommodation - when - I saw such wonderful images of London, and Stratford, and Alan Rickman for some reason (the only place I've ever seen Alan in the flesh was in NYC - twice - so why he is in my London fantasy is beyond me), but all of the wonderful things...

I truly don't know why - but for some reason - THERE - in England - I am happy. I feel released - refreshed - invigorated - alive - motivated - spurred to action - relaxed - confident - and ---- just---- happy.

The very IDEA that I could live there - oh don't even DARE to think it for more than an INSTANT. Especially not on a hope so ridiculously ephemeral. I spent so long wanting that - every breath - and it didnt happen - and it didnt happen in such an unglamorous - wake up to reality and smell the rotten dying roses type of way - that it scares me to want that again.

And the truth is - if I don't get in - I'll be completely o.k. I have wonderful friends here - heck - I have a FABULOUS proposal for a FABULOUS play that - heck - why not just mount it here - or become an actress - or make SOMETHING work - for Pete's sake - SOMETHING has to work. I'm so good at so many things - SOMETHING HAS TO WORK! And it has to work SOON - because this - whatever is happening now - isn't working - so SOMETHING has to work - so I feel the way I feel when I'm sitting at the Dirty Duck with RSC actors after a day of creating wonderful works of art in a rehearsal room - it HAS to happen - SOMETHING HAS TO HAPPEN! I know it - does -some wonderful - I have believed for so long that something extraordinary is possible - now is the time for it to happen.

Putting it together...

I'm slightly worried because I feel like there is more I should be DOING for my RADA audition. I wrote my proposal, I have costume sketches, I wrote a budget, found modern day equivalents and modern day actors to play the roles, even looked up a space and costs for my imaginary production, have a reading of the play with some of my friends in the park, we discussed it, and ideas, found videos, and paintings (oddly a lot of Rockwell and pictures from a picture book on American farming), and pictures that "inspire me" about the play, read it ad nauseum, did research on the author and translator and their political climates....what am I missing? I hope they like what I have to say...

One More Thing

This can easily be taken the wrong way - insinuating feelings that arent there - but when JP doesnt come home (because he's out with some girl) I get very sad. It isnt the fact he's out with another girl - it's the fact that I crave intelligent conversation, and he is the only place I get it consistently. Everyone else I'm lucky if I get a glimpse of it between talking about how hot Zac Effron is or why Jessica Biel is undeserving of being on Broadway or what cute new shirt they bought.

I want to talk about the oil spill, alternative fuels, how we can help, the election in England (which I still don't understand at all), what is going on with the health care plan, why does the US seem to care more about Haiti than Louisiana, analyzing Shakespeare, discussing how to fuse together musical styles of Ancient Rome and modern country music, the health benefits of pomegranate, etc... Alena and Amanda fill this void - but both are so busy and live in --- shudder - BROOKLYN - so I hardly ever get to see them.

So I miss JP when he isnt around.

Nemo...

Today I saw "Letters to Juliet" with Kat. It got me thinking about the cruel irony - how all I want is for a guy to be a romantic Romeo - and I kid you not - in reality - I actually had a guy tell me "I love you! You're so pretty! You look like Dory in Finding Nemo!' Do a google search for Dory in Nemo - I will tell you - it is not a Shakespearean comparison. No, my life is more filled with quips from Sex in The City - the strange guy dressed as a hot dog who says "eat me" to Miranda, and what not. Siiiiiiiiiigh. SURELY there is a man on a metaphorical white horse for me out there SOMEWHERE. He'll probably own a corgi.

Now - if only I had Sarah Jessica Parker's ridiculously incredibly body and love for super high heeled shoes.

I've been working on my RADA application - which is rather nerve racking and nebulous. It's nebulous because the task is to propose a "low-budget studio production." What exactly defines low budget? Fiddler was low budget - but was about $80,000. In my world $1000 would be low budget. I'm confused...

All in all though, I'm rather zen about the whole operation. I figure - the universe will put me wherever it wants me...if it wants me in England directing, it will put me there. If it wants me performing in NYC, it will put me there. I just want to do a good job at the "audition."

taxes

Just went to pay bills and wondered where did a $1000 of my money go? Oh right Taxes! DAMN TAXES.

Where is my money going? Am I funding the NYPD who gives me tickets for crossing between trains but doesnt help at intersections with power outages for traffic lights or doesnt stop the double homicide on the train at Christopher street or my friends ipod from being stolen out of their hands on the train? Or is it spent on the fine fine education system being taken over by standardized testing. Ah yes, let's make us all --- standard - because there is only one measure for intelligence after all - and it certainly doesn't involve free thinking or actual understanding - just a wonderful ability to accurately fill in bubbles with a number 2 pencil. Or is it going to protect me from evil forces trying to horde our oil. Because of course - there is no alternative fuel can can explore - the only way to be safe and secure is to protect our OIL! Or is it going to the fabulous MTA service cuts? Oh no....don't worry about me - I dont need to be anywhere - just cut my train service by half and make the trains run slower and be even more crowded.

Want to know the best part - YOU CANT FIND INFORMATION of where NYS income tax is spent! I have no idea! Maybe it went to the mayors illegal activity and corrupt scandals. Maybe it is going to the post office - with their awesomely long lines and complete inability to answer a single question about passport renewal.

I suppose the one thing I can be hopeful about is it is going to the parks, recreation, and historic preservation. That is one area that seems to be doing alright and I'm not continually disappointed by.

Where is my money going? Why doesnt anyone want to hire me for anything that makes decen money. If I'm soooooooooooooooooo talented - why am I - unemployed? And why - is NYSI - are you making my life so sad right now?

Letting Go of Tzeitel

Sadness - I liked being the lead of a show - I enjoyed being a leading lady - and now - I'm not. I"m just an unemployed something or other. Wish I had something amazing and fun lined up. Ah well - I'm sure the universe will put something exciting in my way. I wonder what it will be...

In some ways I'm relieved and in many ways I want to cry and in many ways I'm just happy and proud of a job well done. And of course confused...very very confused - about whether I should call CAP21 up and say JUST KIDDING I DO WANT TO DO THE PROGRAM! I DO WANT TO SPEND $5000 because I DO have a future in performing. Put me in front of those casting directors! Get me work! Or if I want to continue doing whatever it is that I'm doing and hope something incredible will come of it. I wish I had some way of interrogating the universe, knowing what I should do, and what path each adventure would take me down so I could choose. Eeeesh --- $5000.

It's also hard because everyone flatters you when you are in my position - the lead of a musical --- everyone in the cast and creative team panders to you which is FABULOUS and your friends all tell you how ridiculously talented you are - and I don't know whether to believe them or not. If I am as talented as they said - then $5000 is a totally worthwhile investment - get me on the bway stage - but it's all being flattered - well - I do't know - I'm just confused.

I'll miss being a lead - it was fabulous - and fun - and appropriately challenging. I loved it. Now it's time to say goodbye to Tzeitel, and see what else the world has to offer me. HELLLLLO WORLD!:)

different views.

I think it's interesting how I love everything about England and Reinking hates it. So interesting how differently people perceive and experience things, where people feel at home, and where people feel out of place. In a world where I feel invigorated, happy, and alive she feels stiffled, alone, lost, and depressed. Well - maybe - hopefully - in a world beyond my wildest dreams - London WILL be my home -for a at least two years...

But first - I must do a lot of research on chicken farming...yay show proposals!

Fiddler

Well Fiddler Opened this past weekend - and was more or less a success. It's been a very interesting journey. Obviously I'm thankful for the opportunity to play a lead. I'm a bit disappointed in the publicity, and lack of agent turn out. All of the industry I invited politely declined. I'm a bit disappointed the director never talks to me - (or anyone - it is not personal by any means.) Everyone says it's because he's busy - but I've worked with some demned busy directors who werent too busy to talk to actors - especially not when they have TWO assistants and the best stage manager in the world. So I'm very confused. But everyone in the cast is very nice and I think the show is a good show. In the end, I suppose that is all you can ask for.

Overall, I'm exhausted - it was a very stressful and delightfully exciting week.

Have to do some more agent mailings in hopes that people will come see the show and make me rich and famous. Wahoo.