To the breech dear friends once more!

Well ok - so - it is an extremely naive point of view - but Francesco started kissing my cheek and telling me congratulations for even getting seen for Phantom.  Something about a beautiful gay Italian who feeds you ice cream kissing you on the cheek seems to make even the worst scenarios seem better.  

Jean-Paul pointed out that I have hardly taken ANY singing lessons and have hardly sung in front of anyone so of course I'm going to be inconsistant singing under pressure.  And I had no idea how to handle not being warmed up on top of that.  I'm really kinda a fish out of water at the singer calls.  I get psyched out so easily because until recently I thought my voice was heinous.  Then - somehow - without me putting much if any work into it - it turned reallllly pretty - but I have no idea how or why or how to use it.  It's kind of like not being my brother - and attempting to beat Zelda on the nintendo wii in two days without the cheat codes or game guide.  Just hitting buttons.  Jean-Paul pointed out that my final product could easily be better than Sierra's - but it just needs training - which it has not had.  (But thanks to my mommy will sooooooon!:))  It still made me super miffy the rest of the day.  Even Amanda talking about Europe or Phil talking about Muscato d'Asti jam on his bread couldnt seem to shake the dismal and gloom.  

I also found out they'll be announcing the new Ariel this week - it won't be me - so - in a very silly way - that makes me sad.  One day - when I"m ready  - my time will come - it's getting closer!

I took ballet and Patti's class - where we did a crazy tango-y number - which I actually had fun doing - which is rare - because I normally freak when anything has a spanish flair.  I then subbed for my friend Charlie at work - and met some cool new people.  

I'm 2/3 of the way done with the biblically living book - its still great - I want to read the authors first book called KNOW IT ALL - about reading the encyclopedia.  I love random useless information.  You would THINK I'd be better at games like jeopardy or that weird bar computer trivia game at TGI Fridays  - but alas - I either lack retention or knowledge of pop culture.  Just obscure facts about the guy who wrote the dictionary or "discovered" longitude or why Pluto was demoted from a planet.  

Oh and I just took a quiz on facebook - apparently if I were a Shakespearean character I'd be Hal - I concur most whole heartedly!  "Redeeming time when men least think I will!:)"

BARIUEHGKURSYGHILSRUGHSIRU

I AM LIVID WITH MYSELF!!!!!!!

I went to audition for Phantom of the Opera 2 today - but I wasnt expecting to be seen - I came in my dance cloths - not warmed up for singing at all - I mean - I"m not seen for  three day runs at theatres in North Dakota that pay $100 a week - why would I get seen for Andrew's next Broadway show!  And not only did I get seen - I got seen at 10:20!!!!!!!!!!  NO ONE WAS THERE!  I was unprepared and SUCKED!  I sang worse than I think I"ve ever sang in my entire life!  GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH!

Jean-Paul said he is going ot teach me to warm up in those settings - and calmed me down - because he is sweet - but I"m still mad at myself!

ketchup

Thursday I auditioned for Brigadoon.  It was very much the same as my Carousle audition.  Ballet - I thought I did well - I was immediately cut.  Everyone said "whoah we were surprised you were cut."  Whatever - it was a three day run of the show - who knows what for what they were looking.  The reason I was so upset about Carousel was that I feel so strongly about the show - I just feel so strongly that I should be IN it.  Now - I just wish they would call and offer me my contract!:)    Then I met up with Amanda - we discussed David Attenborough videos - and anthropology and philosophy - then went to the Freed store in Queens to be fitted with Pointe Shoes - woohoo.  Then off to Jana - which amanda took as well.  She wanted to learn the phrase for a video she is making for North Carolina Ballet Theatre.  Woohoo!  Then work - joy.  (I actually like work in a weird way.  It's very zen buffing floors.)

I auditioned for "The Wizard of Oz" tour on Friday.  My friend Alena signed me in at 5:30 in the morning so I was number 11 on the list - rock it.  I sang awfully - but its ok - mainly for two reasons.  Firstly, I don't really want to be in the Wizard of Oz tour, but also I was trying out a new audition song that I was considering using as my Phantom of the Opera 2 audition song.  I learned that I should most definitely NOT use that song - which is good to know BEFORE the audition.  And because Alena signed me up so deliciously early - I was able to to make to Nancy's ballet class - YAY!  I also took - TAP!  BUM BUM BUM!  And I left the class smiling!  AMAZING!  INCROYABLE!  And then of course Jana - then - Kat, Cara, and I went over to Jean-Paul's house, drank Muscato d'Asti - ate "puppy chow" (which I have since sworn off to maintain or - acquire - my mermaid like figure) - and discussed - well - lots of things from Disney to Sartre.  It was nice - relaxing.  

Today I went to Patti's class.  Afterwards - I went for a walk - then went to work at Steps  where Francesco - the beautiful Italian fed me ice cream and chocolate covered almonds (again - I NEED to not be subject to the negative influences of others and maintain my mermaidlike figure!)  Then work - then came home and watched world figure skating championships.  Evan Lysacek and Yu-Na kim rocked it!  I don't understand how Joannie Rochette got the silver - but it's figure skating - it makes about as much sense as my Brigadoon audition.  Just gotta keep on endeavouring to persevere.

In other news - I explained the economy and Madoff to Batman's sister - who asked me how money can just "disappear."  I was slightly surprised I could explain - with mortgages and ponzi schemes and all- but since I don't hang out with her brother anymore - but fill my brain with - semi-intelligent thoughts and try surround myself with educated people like Amanda, and Reinking, and Jean-Paul - I was able to achieve said task.  Also - my book is becoming increasinly interesting.  It has really beautiful insights into different sects of Christianity and Judaism - and really interesting commentary on traditions and interpretations of the Bible.  Even the Scopes Monkey Trial was put into a better light.  Inherit the Wind, while, IMHO a great play, doesn't do Jennings Bryan's arguments justice.  Furthermore, I can better understand my former roommate Evan.  The book is completley non-prostelytizing - as it is written by an agnostic - but it does explain where different religious "fanatics" or "extremists" are coming  from, and that's cool to learn.  Don't worry - I am not being converted to any religion nor becoming a Bible thumper - I'm just enjoying learning.  As far as I'm concerned - the book I still live by is Walt Disney and the Triumph of the American Imagination - not that I'm worshipping a false idol or anything!:)

Have a good night!:)

Gotta get up to audition for Bye Bye Birdie tomorrow morning!  What's the story - Morning Glory - What's the Word - Hummingbird!

Accordians and Violins!:)

I took a new ballet teacher today - it was ---- not spectacular. And the room was filled with these littel 17 year old beautiful prima ballerinas so I felt just plain fat and ugly.  BLARGHLEBOTS!  BUt afterwards - I went to Jean-Paul's for a voice lesson.  I first sang PART OF YOUR WORLD.  JP's friend was there who is also a juilliard opera grad - and when I was done he applauded - and Jean-Paul said "that was really cool!."  (which is about as high a praise as JP will afford anyone who isn't Nathalie Dessay...) So that made me happy. Disney here I come! :)  Then I sang some Rogers and Hammerstein - and then Alex and JP - invited me to one of their Juilliard Opera Jams - apparently I'm worthy - and JP and gonna get me the music to Kitty Oppenheimers aria from Doctor Atomic - and I'm gonna learn some TOSCA.  OH SCARPIA!  AVANTI A DIO!!!!  So that was fun!  Then - JP got out his accordian and Alex got out his violin - and they played and sang from the final act of Wagner's Ring Cycle whilst I ate sushi.  What a lovely afternoon!  And JP thinks I should definitely make a recording and send it to the Mermaid people and Phantom people etc... (BTW - Phantom of the Opera 2 has announced their auditions for next week!  I'm going in folks!  Here goes nothing!  I'm gonna sing I BELIEVE MY HEART but take the last note up to an A.  Hopefully I"ll get seen!)

Then I had Physical Therapy - and Amanda texted me - warning me "It" was in the building at Steps - so to beware.  I got to Steps and found Francesco - a Francesco and I were talking - Fran goes - don't look up - "it's coming down the hallway."  I love how Batman has become an "it."  Francesco and I then burst out laughing because of how ridiculous Batman is - and continued on our merry way.  Patti said I did much better in her theatre dance class today - so that is good.  BLARGH!  Theatre dance is SOOOO FRUSTRATING!  Its so easy - yet SOOOOO HARD!  It's almost all WALKING - and I seem to be - incapable of that.  Which is just plain silly.  Ballet fine - contemporary fine - walk to a rhythm - blargh!

Anyhoooooo - I then came home - practiced singing some more - and turned on the TV and TREVOR'S KING LEAR WAS ON TV!   I was thrilled. I think it's a sign. I have no idea what it's a sign OF - but I think it's a good sign - a sign I'm on the right track!  Rovert seems to show up around those times.  Shakespeare - RSC - Rovert - the works.  It was nice - and it's been a long time since I've seen any GOOD Shakespeare!  So it was most excellent to see it on tv in the comfort of my own living room.  Of course - this meant - yet AGAIN - I did not start working on my website - OR compiling a mailing list for my begging letter.  BLARGH!  I need to get on top of things and do the "adult" stuff as well as pretend I'm a mermaid.

For now, however, it is time to say goodnight to all our family - M I C K E Y M O U S E.

Dizzying look at Next Week ----

I just went through all the auditions posted for the next three weeks.  It's dizzying - next week - is going to be crazy - there are so many auditions at the same time on the same days but at totaly different places. How do you know where non-equity people will get seen and won't get seen.  Am I better for the Wizard of Oz Tour, Les Mis in Maine, or Phantom of the Opera 2 on Broadway/West End/China - (its opening simultaneously in all three places.)  All of those are auditioning on the same day --- I think I'd be great in all of them.  I mean - I could be Dorothy.  I could be Cosette.  I could be Christine. Which to choose?  

Is it worth trying out for Legally Blonde?  I LOVE the musical - and could dance it well - but its super belty and they want a contemporary musical theatre song.  IS Part of Your World - contemporary enough?  Am I Bye Bye Birdie Material - or do I need to belt for that too?  Do I belt Part of Your World like a high school teenager would?  Should I attempt to take on all the ballerinas as they attempt to grab Chris Wheeldon's attention at the Met Opera's CARMEN dancer auditions?  They say they want contemporary dancers for that - which would be - but Chris Wheeldon is the most revered BALLET choreographer working and alive today - so every out of work ballerina will be there hoping he falls in love with them and hires them for that or his ballet company.  I've never been kept at the Met once, so do I try for that, or do I pretend I can tap dance and audition for yet another summer stock season that is doing Crazy for You?  (Your voice is great - do you tap dance?  GAH!)

Is it worth auditioning for Brigadoon? It's a ballet operatic musical but they've allowed only 2 hours for singers and two hours for dancers which usually means non-equities don't get seen.  So do I wait around for a show I'd be great in but probably wont get seen for - or do I wait in line for - High School Musical 2 - which will see me - but I can't sing so its ultimately - pointless?  (Unless Shapay has magically turned into an operatic soprano - hey it could happen...)

Oh the trials and tribulations of this life.

Also - I bought my domain name for my website, and a program that is supposed to make website building super easy, but alas, I seem to be having trouble logging into the program.  How can it be super easy if I can't even login to it?  BLARGHLEBOTS.

Well - focusing on the now - today I went to class - saw SUNSHINE CLEANERS with Reinking - really good movie - then - went to class - then - came home and watched dancing with the stars - where Gilles makes me swoon - and want to samba - that man can shake his hips like to other.  The only thing incredibly noteworthy that happened today was - there is this boy in my contemporary class whom we shall call Bob.  The teacher seems to LOVE everything Bob does - he can do no wrong.  IMHO - Bob is good - but not godlike - and I'm always getting jealous of how everyone oooooohs and aaaaaaaahs over every single arm movement he does.  Apparently because he can do quadruple pirouettes he is phenomenal.  Now every morning I see guys do octuple pirouettes or more in prettier positions - so I'm not impressed - but for the contemporary crowd - Bob is tops.  So it's been my goal to out turn and out jump him for some time.  Usually this results in rather embarassing results.  Me falling and knocking a bunch of people down - etc...my temper gets the best of me.  But TODAY - TODAY I matched all of Bob's turns and jumps - AND not only that - I REVERSED the combination and didn't knock anyone down in the process!  MWHAHAHAHA!  And the teacher noticed and gave me praise.  Whilst coveting Bob's praise is a sin according to the Bible (thank you current reading material), and I suppose I feel guilty, it sure did feel good get noticed.  Take that Bob!  Disclaimer - Bob is a really sweet guy - and a hard worker - and is talented - its mainly my jealousy complex coming out to play and say hello.

Accompanying me in my enterprise were the sexy Italians.  Hehehehehehe - BELLO!

Not Asian - sigh

Yesterday was SLIGHTLY more productive than the cannoli filled Saturday - but only slightly.  Cleaned, did laundry, took Jana's contemporary class, lunch with Danielle (who has apparently been feeling neglected by her friends - myself included), then signed the sublease agreement and got the security deposit from my new Subletter.  Went home, practiced singing, got mad because I thought I sounded like shite, but I scheduled a "voice lesson" with Jean-Paul - so hopefully we'll get everything in prime working order again.

This morning I pretended I was Asian and auditioned for the King and I.  I was one of two non-Asians in a room filled with - well Asians - who were all super sweet and tried to make me look Asian.  But alas, I was found out.  I wasn't seen for the other two auditions this morning - due to the large numbers of people auditioning.  Blargh.  Ah well, to be honest, if I made it through to the dance, I would have been immediately cut because they were for regional theatre seasons that were all very tap heavy.  Then I took Tressors ballet class - and I looked out the door and who was there?  JEAN-PAUL!  He came to steps to say hello!  It made me laugh so hard - which is slightly inappropriate for a ballet class, but It was Tressor, and well - if you took that class you'd understand.  Sigh - I miss Yoda.  Then Patti was back to teach theatre dance!  HAHAHAHAHA!  My first theatre dance class in two months!  All my usual problems came to the surface - no rhythm no rhythm no rhythm.  Let's put it this way- I think I dance a lot like a less rhythmic Shawn Johnson on DWTS.  Her hips don't move - my hips dont move.  But it was still fun and for some reason Patti seems to really like and spends so much time with me - sometimes I feel like I'm getting a private class.  So that's good - improvement is always good - and people who help you overcome your obstacles are always good.  I am lucky to have a lot of really great teachers who for some reason or another have taken a lot of interest in me and helping me achieve my goals.  Most of this has come to fruition since the banishment of batman.

This is going to sound truly silly - but I met the subletter in Barnes and Noble.  Whilst waiting, I was perusing the books and came across the Miley Cyrus autobiography.  I didnt know such a thing even existed - and - I must abashedly admit I am a huge Hannah Montana fan.  (Huge as far as the 27 year old crowd goes - I don't own a Hannah lunchbox or anything.)  I opened up the book to satiate my curiosity - and I opened up to a page that said "I truly believe that when you are ready to move on from the pain, the world gives you the tools you need to make the next step.  That is when I got the Hannah call."  (Call saying she would play Hannah Montana.)  I have no idea what this "pain" is of which she speaks - but - I thought that was a very appropo phrase for me.  I am ready to move on - and I believe the universe is giving me what I need.  Hopefully it will be in the form of a Carousel call - but if not - it will be some other call.  And I have lots of amazing people around me now - who are all pushing eachother towards ours goals and putting intelligent thoughts into eachothers brains.  Reinking, Jean-Paul, Cara, Kat, Amanda, Danielle, the Beautiful Italian gang (how random is it that somehow I am now surrounded by beautiful Italians?  Wish I had kept up my learn it yourself Italian!), everyone who I work with at the dance studio!  It's crazy  - they all call me their "little mermaid."  And its actually not in a mocking way - its in a really supportive way.  It's really sweet actually.  (They do make fun of me when I try to sing pop songs - because that is heinous - and hilarious in its heinousness.  Maybe I'll get to take lessons and change that!:))  The teachers are all so nice to me.  They never seemed to notice me before, which is odd, because I always thought if I hung with Batman in his infinite dance talent, they would like me.  For whatever reason, I have many theories, once I separated myself from him, they seemed to notice me in my own right, and have decided to help.  Nancy (who is ALMOST the female equivalent of Yoda) is soooo incredibly sweet to me.  So is her daughter and all of the NYCB and ABT dancers, who seem to want to help.  Its really great.  Jana's class has always felt like a home.  And Patti has always for some reason been really helpful - though I must be SOOOO frustrating for her - since she is all about counts and music - and I just kinda bounce around to my own drum.  And Jean-Paul teaches me voice for FREE - which is amazing. He is a great teacher!  (At least when it comes to legit singing.)  It is such a blessing since most voice lessons cost $145 an hour!!!!!  EEEEEEGAD!  So I love that I have a talented person helping me for free.  (Though he often expects payment in Nutella during the weekends.)  Reinking has also become helpful - helping me pick out appropriate audition material etc... At any rate, I hope it all continues - because I am so thankful for it!:)

Now - I need to make my QUIXOTIC website and send out my begging letters so I can put on a showcase to help all of us talented people get agents!  I think I'm gonna try and draw a logo myself.  Perhaps that is a bit ambitious - but everyone I know wants money for it.   At times its frustrating  - because you want things to happen to fast - but it all takes time if you want it done well.  Surely some things could be done more efficiently - but unfortunately - I can't wave my magic wand and say bippidyboppityboo and make magic happen instaneously.  My magic is a little slower in making things come to fruition, but magic can happen.  Snow White was not animated over night!:)

At any rate, I'm also reading a really intriguing book now called A Year of Living Biblically.  Its about a man, and agnostic mind you, who decided to try and obey all the rules of the bible literally for one full year.  It's actually more to prove a point against all those people who hate homosexuality, abortion, etc... due to "literal" interpretations of the Bible.  If you are going to follow every law of the Bible, why not stone adulterers, not touch a woman who is menstruating, or sit on a chair on which she sat, or attach tassels to the corners of your clothing, only wear clothing made of non-mixed fibers, learn to play the ten string harp, and blow a horn on each new moon?  It's an intriguing way of studying the Bible, and thinking about the effects it has on modern society.  If one is to argue that certain laws can be ignored due to changing society, why can't law about homosexuality, abortion, teaching evolution, etc... change.  It's interesting, the first book that has been able to keep my attention since the Pluto files.

Right, well I hope all is well with all of you!  I'll stop being longwinded and go and be productive!  Good night!

more italians

Well the Cleopatra audition was a laugh.  They said they were looking for a "Sweet soprano" and I walked in and they asked me to sing a pop rock song.  I told them I had "I have dreamed" from the King and I or "Part of Your World" from Mermaid - take their pick.  They said to sing Part of Your World as a rock song.  Needless to say - I was not asked to stay - haha.  But I did have time to rush to Nancy's ballet class - where everyone was super sweet asking me about my Carousel callback - including Nancy!   I hope all the good thoughts help a CONTRACT come to fruition!  It is just amazing to me how many people seem to care though - it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!:)

Then - Amanda and I had our usual lunch.  Amanda is trying to get into a ballet company - and ballet is harder than musical theatre at the moment to get a job - because there are NEGATIVE jobs.  Companies are laying dancers OFF - not hiring.  So she is really frustrated.   What is especially sad in her case is - she is truly truly truly amazing!  She is better than most of the ABT and NYCB ballet dancers that come to take class - so to have that much talent and passion and have even the HOPE of a job closed because no companies are hiring - induces insanity.  She is going to fly to CAnada to audition for a ballet company that has ONE opening - and then to CIncinatti for the same thing.   I hope something works out for her - because she is such a joy to watch dance - and so easy to work with - she deserves something amazing!  

Then I took Jana's then off to Francesco's birthday which was crazy and fun - and full of beautiful Italian men - just like my sandwich shop!  It was very well documented - so you can see the pictures on facebook.  Oddly - it ended up being MY iphone music playlist that got played - people were shocked to learn that I do listen to music not related to Disney- in fact - I even have COOL music!  MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

GOt home way too late.  Had way too difficult a time waking up for Gina's baby shower - I felt AWFUL because I'm not good with babies or pregnant bellies - or any of that.  I fear I was born sans maternal instinct. I just sat there awkwardly whilst everyone else coo-ed over how cute the pirate themes blankets and rattles and onesies were.  (How boring - I got her something off of her registery - without frills or pirates on it.)  I lost all of the games where we had to give the expectant mother our best baby advice or list all of the things an expectant mother would need - or guess the circumference of Gina's belly.  However - I did win the "Complete that nursery rhyme" game - which I find slightly disturbing - that I relate better with the baby than the mother.

I ate way too many cannolis - and did nothing but ride the subway two hours to and two hours from Gina's house - so I'm feeling rather - BLARGH about the day - but sometimes we need BLARGH days.  I wish I was a better friend to pregnant people.  I just don't know how to get excited about a kick or a burping bib or baby puree - sigh --- I think Gina understands though - I'm trying...

TO infinity and beyond!

Back the beautiful Italian Sandwich Shop!:)

Today was a fun day!  I took Vernon's ballet class - and because we were existing in some bizarre parallel universe - he likes my arabesque.  I personally feel my arabesque is one of the uglier things I do in dance, but every time I did one he just burst out into this elation of GOOD VERY GOOD THAT'S IT BEAUTIFUL.  It was the perfect class to get me ready for my CAROUSEL CALLBACK!

I made it through two dance calls, a singing call, and a reading call! There are five girls left - and I'm one of them - we'll find out April 3.  Soooooooooooooooooooooo fingers crossed - send all your happy thoughts my way - CAROUSEL CAROUSEL CAROUSEL!  GAH!  I want to do the show so badly, it's a perfect show for me, I love the show, I think she show has a great message/messages that I want to tell, and hey - Time magazine named it the best musical of the century - so that's pretty cool - is it not?  I LOVE IT and I want to be in it - and I'm ready to be in it in every sense of the word ready - and I'm GOING to be in it - so there!  Send your happy thoughts and good karma!  (And I send you my thanks in advance!)

Then I had lunch with Mattiller.  

Then I took Jana's - got dinner at the sandwich shop full of beautiful Italian men who made me a ham, tellaggio, and roasted red pepper sandwich of deliciousness - and went to work - where I sand the little mermaid- and everyone came in to watch - which was weird - as I was holding a floor buffing machine - but it made me feel good.  Apparently I have a mermaid audience at steps!  HAHAHAHA!  Now ----- if only I could convince Disney....

Tomorrow I'm audition for the role of Octavia in a new show called Cleopatra.  That is exciting!  I'm going to sing PART OF YOUR WORLD because they want a CONTEMPORARY musical theatre song - so none of my Rogers and Hammerstein material will be - and they want a sweet soprano - and that is kind of the epitome of sweet soprano - especially in my non-belting style.

It is also my friend Francesco's birthday - so all the cool people from steps are journeying out to queens to celebrate the glory that is Francesco.  (And he is glorious!)  

So hopefully tomorrow will be super fun as well!

Keep your fingers crossed for Carousel!  

(Cue Carousel overture music here!)

PS  _ I also have to say - I'm incredibly surprised, shocked, amazed, and touched by the number of people who sent me well wishes for my Carousel audition!  Ballet teachers I didnt know knew my name, friends, little old ladies at the dance studio, Reinking, it was just so cool.  I love everyone!:)  THANK YOU THANK YOU THAN YOU for all your good thoughts! Let's see this through to contract signing!:)  WAHAY WOOHOO WAHAY!:)

Is it possible?

Well - the met audition was - well - just like any other audition where you go and the auditor doesn't look at you and your number isn't called.  Sigh.  They didn't like Amanda either - so I feel better.  She is SUCH an amazing dancer.

Kat Amanda and I went for a picnic in the park because the weather was nice for once.  I saw 1 and a half corgis.  (One real corgi - and one part corgi part german wolf dog or something - it was amazing!)

I took Tressor's ballet class - very Russian and hard.  I wore pink tights in preparation for my callback tomorrow.  I was pleased.  I didn't dance very well - which made me sad and put me in a poopy mood - not to mention - I found out some depressing Batman news - GAH - I wish he couldn't affect me.  What I AM happy about is his sister has resumed normal interactions - and that was very important to me.  

Then - Kat and I went to my new favorite place in the world - this Italian Sandwich shop - where all these BEAUTIFUL Italian men make these gourmet sanwiches for you and treat you like royalty.  I have never seen so much love go into a sandwich.  I just tell them to make me a sandwich they think will taste good and they go to town - and oooh and ahhhhh over how they hope I'll like it - and have to come back to report.  Its actually kind of funny.  The first time I was there - the other customers were all these beautiful Russian men who seemed equally concerned with how I would enjoy my sandwich.  It's marvelous.  Then of course - we followed it up with Italian gelato - where they all know me - and treat me like royalty too - its funny.  You know you eat too much gelato when...

But - the weird part of the day came when I went to see the little mermaid - "starfish pasty girl" was playing Ariel - so I had to see it.  She was -------- not gooooooood.  It was weird.  I was rooting for her!  I really was!  But the girl - can't sing ---- it was sooooo strange ------- I was very confused.  I thought heck - if she can do it - so can I - WHY AREN'T I!?  I must start an Ariel campaign.  I'll tell you she wasnt belting.  I'm not sure what she was doing - but it wasn't belting...  I still loved the show - and she had a very sweet quality - so was ultimately fun to watch - but it was still just weird.....  I need to go get a job so I can afford REAL voice lessons and get that DAMN LAST NOTE OF PART OF YOUR WORLD REPRISE FABULOUS!  Oddly - right now - it isnt very good - but its better than what I saw tonight - which was weirdly motivating - like - HELL _ ITS IN REACH!  I CAN DO IT!!!!!  SO off I go to do it.

But first - I'm going to land the role of Louise in Carousel - and get my Equity Card - so I can get SEEN for Mermaid!

 Is it possible for someone to hit you - to hit you real hard and loud - and have it not hurt at all?

Good day!:)

Today was a good day.  Class was good - did a triple pirouette on my pointy shoes - teaher said I was looking better - lunch with Amanda and her really awesome friend Rachel (Who is an economics/polisci major at Columbia.)  Then we attempted to go to Freed to get fitted for pointe shoes that fit PROPERLY - but Freed was closed.  Sad face.

Anyhoo - I decided to NOT celebrate St. Patty's day after seeing droves of perfectly respectable men stumbling through the streets of NYC completely inebriated wearing stupid looking green plastic hats wreaking of beer.  What a stupid holiday to place in the middle of Lent - ironically bishops can lift the solemnity of Lent if they chose to allow to St. Patty's day belligerence.  Crazy.

I took the evening off - didn't go to contemporary - A)I was sore B) I had NON dance things to do - such as write my begging letter for my the showcase - and study up on Carousel!  I got a little disheartened after learning most Louises are ex- ABT dancers - but then I reminded myself A) this is not a Bway production so I dunno how many ABT dancers auditions and B) YODA TREATS ME LIKE AN ABT DANCER SO DAMMIT I'M GONNA DANCE LIKE ONE!!!!!!!!! Or - even if I don't miracles happen - like the genius computer guy being kept on DWTS over a lady who actually tried real dance moves - so - yeah - Yoda TREATS me like and ABT dancer - I"ll just ACT like one - and convince the casting people.

But for now I needs must sleep because TOMORROW is the first MET audition of the season - ballet class and contemporary combination - gotta be a possessed minion of Satan and all that for Damnation of Faust...  So send happy thoughts -it would be AWESOME to dance with the Met!:)  And darnit - I'm ready for a job!:)  And I got the skills!   Now I just need the chaaaaaaaance to daaaaaaaaaaance (or act or sing or direct or skate) for yooooooooou!:)

Have a happy day!:)

CALL BACK!!!!!!!!

I WAS CALLED BACK FOR CAROUSEL!  I WAS CALLED BACK FOR THE ROLE OF LOUISE!  AND IT MAKES ME SOOOOO HAPPPPPPPPPY!  She has my favorite line in the entire play:  "Is it possible for someone to hit you hard like that, real loud and hard, and have it not hurt at all."

It seems so ridiculous because I mean - it should hurt if someone hits you.  It SHOULD hurt - and to excuse it is often viewed as condoning domestic abuse etc...  But I don't think that is what the show is about at all!  I think the show is saying - sometimes you love someone so much, that you don't even notice/realize they are treating you like shit.  Or - you realize it - but you don't care because you love everything else so much.  Its not SMART - but it happens - people love shitty shitty shitty douchebags - and there is really nothing they can do about it!  There is a song in Carousel called "whats the use of wonderin'" and it goes "what the use of wonderin' if he's good or if he's bad or if you like the way he wears his hat oh whats the use of wonderin' if the ending will be sad, he's your feller and you love him, that's all there is to that."  And - well - I can relate to that!    I want people to be able to understand that!    I want to tell that story!  Its such a beautiful story of love, and heart break, and people trying to be good, but going about it in all different ways - some better than others.  But that is life.  People TRY to be good - but some go about it by stealing money off of fishing boats, beating their wives, and dying on their own knives - and others find more ---- compassionate successful and effective ways of going about living.   Seeing both attempts at life side by side highlights how ineffective Billy's way is at achieving his final, and how Nettie, Carrie, Louise, and Julie - while from living a life of opulence, do find happiness in love kindness and compassion.    That is very important.

Not to mention the musical has everything!  You laugh - you cry - you think - June busts out all over - and you'll never walk alone!  IT is just such a BEAUTIFUL story - and I want so badly to be a part of it.

Reigning myself in - its just a CALL back - and I was CUT from the DANCE call  (How on earth I was called back for a non-singing BALLET role from a singers call is beyond me....)  So - just dreaming - but send all your happy thoughts my way!

Other than that - it was a pretty good day today!  we werent seen at CATS - but I took three classes and learned the combination to FAUST for the Met audition on Wednesday!:)

Ides of March

I AM BACK IN MY APARTMENT!  YAY!  I really dislike the doggie apt.  It is COLD and has two smelly gross unruly dogs (not ROOOOOs - DOGS!) - and random people coming in an out and you never know WHEN one of the daughters will pop in with friends or a cleaning lady - or a microwave installer - and sometimes you are naked when this happens - and it - poses a problem - or ASLEEP - which just makes you grumpy!  And the internet doesn't work properly - BLARGH!  I love MY apartment!  It warm  - and has all my happy things - my gadgets and gizmos of plenty - I have everything - I have alllll my dance shoes (Minus one chewed up jazz shoe) and shirts and warm ups and headshots - and scissors and stapler - and PRINTER - and reference books - sigh - just makes me sooooooo happy.  

But this morning I had to do a deep cleaning of the doggie house - deep cleaning is not my specialty - and I had to wake up early to do it - so I got home and basically fell asleep - crashed - until I got a call from Jessica inviting me to another good-bye dinner.  We went to Josie's - and had a great time - took some artsy fartsy photos covering up the flash to make the light appear red - and then doing silly things like shaking our faces and seeing what the camera captured.  Complete silliness - but happifying none the less.  

Tomorrow I audition for CATS - Wednesday is the Met - Thursday is Cortland Rep  - and Friday is Cleopatra - so its a busy busy busy week - plus - gotta get money for a showcase - starfish pasty girl is Ariel on wed so gotta see that - TUESDAY is St. Patrick's Day - Jean-Paul has big plans for us all - that involves him wearing a pirate hat and me bunny ears - hrmmmmmmm - and the usual - class - and figuring out life -  probably some beatnik conversation with Amanda - which will require me reading up on my Sartre -------- oh yes - such deep thoughts such as - Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you ----

Right - well another ides of march has come and gone - ----  toodleloo for now ----

French existentialists

Achooooo - I do believe I'm getting sick.  Ah well - I blame Cara.  She never covers her mouth when she coughs or sneezes - but we love her anyway.  And my shingles burn - BLARGH!

Today was actually quite successful on the pointey shoes!  HOOORAY!  This is of utmost important because the MET OPERA ballet auditions are on Wednesday - and I'd like to do well - because they are a marvelous company for which to work - and I think I'm good enough - so there!  Amanda is now working at the boutique at STEPS - so she watched the last half hour of class, and said I looked pretty good - which makes me happy.  (Amanda is not in ABT - but she is every bit as talented as the dancers in ABT - if only the economy wasn't so bad and companies were HIRING not laying dancers off - she would have companies banging down her door!  Just beautiful - I can't wait for the world to watch her be amazing!) She will also be at the met audition - crap - haha.  There's room for all of us!

Amanda and I then went to lunch - where - I hoarding most of the conversation time talking about Shakespeare - and Titus Andronicus - but she did get a few words in about Sartre, Becket, and Godard.  All we need are berets and scarves and we'd be regular stereotypical French coffee house go-ers.  hahaha.  

Then I had work.  I buff the floors at Steps.  As I buff - I tend to sing Phantom of the Opera or Little Mermaid songs - I consider it practicing for my grande Broadway debut!  Every now and then a King and I or Showboat or Carousel song pops into the mix.  Anyways - I was up in the lofts - buffing away - laaaaa laaaaaa laaaaaa - when BATMANs MOM comes in.  I'm standing in fear - what will happen?  Will I be decapitated for being mean to her beloved son!?  Who KNOWS what lies he has told HER - I'm still discovering lies he told me - and weird bizarre fucked up shit he did.  And his mother is the quintessential over protective momma bear!  So I'm thinking - this is it!  I'm going to die - right now.  

And she says "is that you singing?  you sound really good.  I could totally see you playing Christine or Ariel on Broadway."  I stand there slack jawed.  Finally squeak out a thank you.  Then we had a twenty minute conversation about pleasant things - like - how amazing I am.  And she said - do you want to say hello to the dog?  Dog - come say hello!  And I said hello and the dog (WHO IS NOT EVIL!!!!!!!) licked my face.  And I was ------- very very very very very very very very very weirded out - but also incredibly thankful.  The sister has always been nice to me, and the mother - since June - has been reallly really sweet as well.  While its strange the mother didnt acknowledge anything bad had happened (I'm not even sure she KNOWS....though to not notice would mean she is missing more than a few bolts in her brain) - I am very thankful she didn't - because with the mum and sis - I would rather things remain as normal - whilst Batman to just disintegrates into oblivion...

Then home where I killed about 17 hours on facebook - not packing to move back to MY apt. away from the evil doggie apt!  YAY!

Cara and I are going to TRY to get tickets to the Met Gala tomorrow- we'll see if we succeed.  It's weird to have a Saturday Night without Kat and Cara here - watching Buffy and eating Puppy Chow.  They can't come over to the doggie house - big sad face.  And - I had PLANNED to write a - "Please give us $10 to put on a showcase"  - in the vain hopes 300 people would give me $10 - but - that didn't happen - instead I watched videos of M. Gomes dancing on youtube whilst talking online to Ferrip.    Ah well - tomorrow is another day.  

And for now - I'll - dream!:)

we're men - we're men in tights!

Phew - today was looooong but fun!

I took the NYCB ballet teachers class again - and wore - shudder - TIGHTS - and pointe shoes!  Neither was a disaster.  Not sure either was a stunning success - but I'm itchy, whiney, and achey - so I'll take not a disaster.  Then I ran home to walk the demon dogs - and then got my hair done - YAY!  They said they were dying it red - but its really just a darker brown than it was before - ah well.  It looks nice - they did a good job coloring and cutting so I was happy.  Then - we had Jessica's goodbye party - which involved sushi and cupcakes and me seeing friends that I went to INTERLOCHEN ARTS CAMP with - ten or more years ago!  That was craziness - but also fun.

Not that much to report.  Just sleeeeeeeeeeeepy.

DISEASED!

Today should have sucked - but I actually had a lot of fun!

I woke up early and went to the dentist.  The dentist is rarely fun- but walking out with shiny clean teeth is!  And the dentist I go to is super nice.  I then went to Sansha to try on dance warm-ups - and discovered - I look better without warm-ups - so just bought a pair of tights.  (I'm gonna BRAVE the tights in ballet tomorrow!  I figure it Yoda is gonna treat me to same as as the ABT dancers - I should maybe NOT wear booty shorts - but one never knows - the booty shorts may be more flattering than the tights - and I may be doing everyone a favour!!!)  Then I went to the dermatologist - but not the hot dermatologist - a colleague of his - since he is out of town - and discovered that I have SHINGLES!  Which is pretty awful - but its been making me laugh all day. My theory is - my body saw the hot dermatologist and said DANG - we wanna see him again!  So let us let loose this dormant virus on her boob - so he'll have to go and stare at it.  Of course - he foiled the plan by being out of town - but I still think its funny.  Good thing too- because they HURT!  They BURN - actualy - feel like someone is pressing an iron against my chest.  

Getting my hair cut tomorrow - FINALLY - havent had it cut since AUGUST (except for bang trims!)

Well that's about all.  Gotta get money for our showcase.  If 300 people donate $10 we're golden!  Come on people!  Donate donate donate!  LOL!

Cara and I are having an argument about whether or not to watch Ben Hur or Sherlock Holmes this Saturday - such important things take up our lives!

Stupid Carousels - who wants to ride them anyway ----

Today I went to the dance audition for Carousel.  They had me dance two extra times then cut me JUST BEFORE THE SINGING - I broke down on the subway - and made the mistake of wearing black eyeliner - I looked like a raccoon for ballet - where I tried out my point shoes for the first time in about a year.  Not toooo disasterous - but I was itchy and my back spazzing and I felt fat and looked like a raccoon - so yeah - that was awesome.

So Cara and I went to go see EXIT THE KING as a pick me up.   I don't think I was a fan.  I explained why to Cara - all the things that worked and didn't work, ranging from staging to costuming to translation to acting, to design, to sound.  I must say - I was rather impressed with my ability to completely tear apart a show.  hehe.  I explained to Cara that this is why I"m annoying to see shows with - I look at everything with such a directors eye - and don't let much slide!  However - it was fun seeing Geoffrey Rush on stage - he is definitely a hero of mine - I also am consistantly impressed by Lauren Ambrose - who I saw play Juliet in SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK - I believe two years ago - and she was STUNNING - and it takes a lot to impress me as Juliet.  She was great here too.  We also were sitting in BOX SEATS - which made me feel special.  We got the cheap student tickets - but got to feel all glamourous!:)

Tomorrow I'm getting my rash checked out - FINALLY - (even though hot derma-man is out of town - and it would have been soooo nice to wait until his return - ah well )- and my teeth cleaned.   I'm also supposed to have lunch with Mattiller - so that should be fun - he is always good for expanding the mind.  

to bosch or not to bosch ---- I want Yoda back!

What is with me - I'm SITLLLLLL in a poopy mood!  

It may have SOMETHING to do with the fact my back is spasming, I have a weird itchy rash, and feel the oncomings of a cold - but - really - it's just the seemingly unliftable glooooooom.  

I took this ex-NYCBallet dancers class today - it was actually really good - and really empty.  I had a lot of fun in that - and the teacher was really encouraging.  Then I had lunch with Amanda - and we saw two corgis out of the window.  Then I went for a walk - but the weather was cold and gloomy so that wasnt the BEST idea - then I took my usual contemporary class and I talked to the teacher about choerographing for our showcase - she seemed VERY tentative - but agreed as long as it wasn't during "the busiest week of her life."  That was slightly discouraging - but understandable.  I head back from a few theatres, only one is available for any of the dates we were aiming for - and that was only the EARLIST date - which is undesirable as well - but some suggested OTHER theatres we look into.  So we'll do that.  

I guess I just wish someone would hire me for something cool.  I know that sounds so nebulous and infantile.  I just feel have a fabulous set of skills.  Talking to Amanda and my friend Alena (from UM) reminds me of all my fabulous directing ideas.  (Sometimes I take a mental step back and think - dang - how did I think of that - I'm a genius!) However, I've yet to find a venue or outlet to let these ideas come to fruition.  I am a great dancer and great singer and do a Shakespeare monologue well enough.  I look good enough.  I speak French!  I'm smart and a fabulous researcher!  I have a curiosity of life - both the large epic events in current society and history as well as small inane silly stories that show the miniscule moments that make life so fabulous.  I'm we read.  I have a decent grasp on world and US politics.  I'm a fabulous pastry cook.  I can do a little gymnastic tumbling. I'm a good ice skater and roller blader - and I'm sure I'd be fabulous on heelies.  I've worked with some truly amazing people who have taught me a lot.  I am well travelled and know people from all over the world!  (I learned how to say I would like chocolate ice cream in both Russian and Italian today!)  I am cultured in virtually of all the arts - experienced in everything from stage management to printmaking to sewing to performing - to script writing -  to playing the flute - to singing in Italian to even touching into Balinese dancing. I've been to many museums, can speak intelligently about the works the museums contain, whether it be air and space or classical and contemporary art.   I have great marketing ideas for my shows and theatre.   I believe I have at least passable people skills. I'm a go-getter!   So why can't I even get hired as an usher or a restaurant hostess. I'm very confused.  I feel I woudl be an asset to just about anything but a cleaning or styling service.  How could I make myself an assistant director on Broadway and work with the RSC  - but can't seem to function now - with all those amazing experiences under my belt.  Did I use up all luck?  Is the world so different?  Am I so different?  

I think that the gloom and doom comes from the fact that Yoda showed me that world I used ot belond to - and still do ---- he invited me back in - and I was like YES _ THIS IS IT!  And I was super happy for those few days I was there - even if ballet isnt necessarily my world - just that meeting of minds and talent produces and energy that is unique and indescribable!  Yoda himself keeps saying the world is different, so that world I dream of isn't really possible - part of it is the economy, part of it is the size of America/ the world - so you no longer have just one theatre producing all the great works, you have hundreds of creators peddaling their wares.  Balanchine was able to produce 400 ballets!  If ANyone was allowed to produce THAT MANY - surely you'll get one or two good ones!  There were some heinous ones apparently, that Balanchine was able to forget about.  These days its different.  I just have to figure out how to survive in THIS society.  How to be taken in a completely different direction and be ok with it - and roll with the punches.  And that goes for every aspect of life.  Otherwise I'm jsut gonna sit here as a depressed blob of yuck - which can be fun I suppose - but you know... the other thing is more fun.

I find even more befuddling is - inside I feel like this gross storm cloud - but the German dude said "I want to live with you because you smile all the time," and people keep telling me I have this inner light - and that I"m always bubbly and happy - so - I wonder what OTHER people's big inner storm clouds feel like.

I guess the difference is - I don't see much of a point in staying in bed - because that doesn't help anything.  Instead I just keep on trying to figure out how to make something work.  That doesn't mean I dont frustrated and want to decapitate puppies and what not.  However, hopefully Charlie and I will make the showcase work.  I'll keep going to auditions. Try to find some way of weasling my way onto Addam's family ---- and meeting peope - and trying to have fun....  I"m lucky to have Amanda Kat and Cara - who all like to have bizarre conversations about heironymous bosch or 18th century France and Shakespeare - yeah

I'm just venting - and listening to Les Mis in German - hahahaha....

And in the star wars movies - yoda isnt ALWAYS around - Luke has to go off by himself and Yoda is only there at the moments when he is needed most - so off I go - to whever Luke Skywalker goes -------

The Mopey Entry

Sometimes I get scared I'm actually depressed - for some reason today I have mopey and miserable since waking up.  Part of it might be I have really bad nightmares in the doggie house that just sit with me all day like loathesomely pungent putrid yellow cloud of doom.    Last night I dreamt about being shot, and sexually abused, and my dead dog coming back as a zombie.  So I woke up pretty miserable - and wasn't able to shake it.  I went to tap - and was all pissy and starting crying when the teacher gave me this teeny tiny correction - (not like bawling crying - but the tears that well up in your eyes because you are frustrated but refuse to let drop kind of crying.)  Then I went home and moped about, until Amanda started IMing me - which put me in a slightly better mood - but then I went to Steps for Jana's class - and Batman and family were there - so then - booooooom gloom and sadness again.  And it hasn't gone away - despite the fact I ate abnormal amounts of chocolate and took a bath with a lovely lavendar scented bath ball that I bought from LUSH whilst reading The Tales of Beedle the bard - and finally got a subletter for my apt.  Joy.  GAH - I SOOOOO wish Eternal Sunshine of the Spotles Mind were real!  Maybe on Wednesday I'll go see Mermaid - that seems to be the antidote for all things sad.  Or maybe I'll go see Exit the King since Geoffrey Rush is the epitome of all things amazing - and it has a LITTLE more depth ------ and less tap dancing!  always a plus in my book!  I may even stage door and quote some Casanova Frankenstein for him.  Haha!  Or Quills!  or Javert!  or Barbosa!  I really am a Geoffrey Rush fanatic! He is amazing!:)

I e-mailed a bunch more theatres today about the showcase, and made a list of possible songs and numbers.  Charlie and I divided up tasks and figured out which choreographers we were each going to approach about helping, and which music directors.  I believe we've also decided we are going to charge everyone to be IN it - but let them all have equal stock in the ticket intake - so - they will all have to pay $100 to be in it - but it we make $3000 in ticket sales they will get it all back, if we make $30 in ticket sales, they will only get $1 back.  Lots of incentive for them to run out and get people to buy tickets!

I also made a dentist appointment - because Dental Hygiene is a good thing!

I suppose tomorrow I should write to the director of the Adams Family and the four different locations the famous actress told me to send it.  Yay for being proactive since there are NO auditions this week for me to attend.

I also discovered that hot dermatologist is super lame - and his favorite activity is "watching tv" and what he wants to do in NY is meet the cast of LOST and supermodels.  And he looks super skeevy and greasey in his friendster photos - so - alas - it was not meant to be.  I am hoping for someone whose activities range a little beyond "watching tv" and whose ambitions are a little more than meeting the cast of LOST.  Greg tells me its illegal for a doctor to date a patient anyways - so just as well I am dumping him from our imaginary relationship in my head.

too many goodbyes

Today was a sad day - 

The Europeans left - sniffle - and I had to say goodbye to Casey.  Its funny because I truly thought I would hate Casey.  I have shamefully spent a great part of the last year hating Casey.  I didn't know Casey, but I had heard things about Casey and knew she was dating Batman - and that was al enough for me to hate her.  (Ironically - turns out she had broken up with Batman in June, and he had been lying about their continuing relationship for over six months!  When she "broke up" with him in February again, it was more of a reiteration of the fact, and a - I'm never speaking to you again because you are creepy than a heart breaking break-up.  The whole thing is so fucked up.)  But in reality Casey is an intelligent caring talented young woman - full of vivacity and life - witty insight - and good book recommendations - and a partner is the crime of eating huge amounts of desserts!  She has turned out to be one of the best friends I could hope for during the six weeks she stayed, and unexpected but brilliant surprise.  We went for a very long walk through central park, discussed the arts and their role in society, etc... It was a good talk, and I think we both got a bit misty at the end.  Goodbye is always sad, but she will be back.  In June I believe.  

Before that, I e-mailed a bunch of theatres inquiring about their availability and costs for our "senior showcase."  I also e-mailed some of the UM MT patrons that I know asking for advice, and hinting at monetary help.  So that was overall quite productive.  I recruited Kat to help with the grunt work, such as ordering postcards and helping with mailings.  She is super good at that kind of stuff.  After I hear back from the theatres, I can set a date then approach choreographers, etc... about donating their time to make all of us performers look fierce!

Charlie and I are going to meet tomorrow discuss fundraising options.  The project should cost about $3000, which isnt THAT much considering, but still more than either of us have.  We are considering charging people to be IN the showcase, which I actually don't think is a heinous idea.  I think people would do it actually - but that is still approx $100 a person is we have 30 people to break even.  Fun fun fun - this is always the FUN side of theatre.

Also, all my dance teachers are currently out of town, except Jana.  (I saw her showcase yesterday, btw, with kat, cara, and my friend Drew.  It was very interesting...the first three pieces were very "jana' - music akin to Apocalytpica, angsty circular movements, dark lighting, etc...  The last piece reminded me of "The Wild Party" by Joseph Moncure March - completley UN Jana.  My friend Dan was in that piece, and I have never seen him dance better so that was exciting.)  Anyways, all my dance teachers are out of town - so I am FORCING myself to take tap.  Because - dammit - if the words "do you tap" are the only thing standing between me and a JOB - why on earth would I not do everything in my power to tap.  If Yoda can take me to dinner, I can tap!  That's all I have to say.

And I am so loooooking forward to taking a LOOOOOONG hot bath afterwards, and reading THE TALES OF BEEDLE BARD which I have found chilling on my nightstand in the doggie house.  Something to look forward to!:)  And maybe it will cure this stupid rash that my leftover vanos doesnt seem to be helping!  BLARGHLEBOTS!

no lunar lander

Firstly, I find it HUGELY disconcerting how hard it is to motivate me to take a jazz, theatre, or tap class.  The thought of those jazz warm-ups makes me want to just eat a large pice of cake instead or something.  They don't warm you at all.  They kind of hurt to be honest.  I don't feel as though I am increasing body awareness, flexibility, strength, or rhythm.  I don't really know what I"m doing...isolating my hips to music that is turned on way too loudly while the teacher screams "WORK IT!  WORK IT! YEEEEEAH!"  And all these girls are "working it" wearing their skimp booty short and sports bra tops screaming and making weird macaw or rainforest bird noises.  It is just too weird for me.  

And tap is just sooooo demned boring.  I mean - if you are GOOD at tap - I imagine it is super fun.  But at MY level, its an hour and a half of tapping your toes up and down 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8- and 2-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 and 3-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 GAHHHHHHHHH!  The monotony!  And the shoes hurt and the music lame and teachers never understand why you can't do it - because it is SOOOO easy - (for them - since they are fierce!)

Patti Wilcox's class is different - her class is really fun and productive and helpful!  And she is a fabulous teacher!  However, she is currently out of town.  But so is Yoda now - and a the other ballet teachers I take from, siiiiiiiiigh - so - I feel like I should explore theatre dance and tap - but I'd rather just - I dunno - read....or sleep.

Anyhow - lots of good plotting going on for Charlie and My "Senior showcase."  Hopefully it will work!  I'm excited!

Went to an audition today - sang a song from Mermaid - big mistake - the pianist had no clue what was going on - haha - but I had fun.  At the end they said "That was great - do you tap?"  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  But I ran into Alena, and old friend from Michigan there.  She wants to be a theatre pirate.  Very fun.

Tried to research Lunar Lander - failed to find anything but porn sites.  

Went to ballet.  Batman was there.  He now apparently wants to be Santa Clause and bring gifts to little children - or so I overheard.  He aint my Santa!  Yoda said to me: "I'll see YOU when I get back, we'll have another evening."  Megan jumps with giddyness.  Evenings with Yoda are inspiring.  I guess I just enjoy eating with old smart famous talented English men.  I always have.  It's where I feel the most comfortable.  Odd............

Then I WANT to go home and make puppy chow (A digustingly delicious concoction of chex cereal, peanutbutter, chocolate, and powdered sugar...) but this girl convinced me to get dinner with her - where she proceeded to talk to me about how I can CURE Batman - and I was like AH HELLLLL NO!  I got my hot dermatologist - one day he'll accept my facebook friend request.  And in the mean time, maybe I'll take advantage of this bizarre rash forming under my boob.  (I blame the demon dogs - they are EVIL EVIL EVIL!)  I can see me now ---- I hot dermatologist - I have this rash ---- perhaps you can look at it?  As I lounge in a sultry manner unlacing my corset.......But yeah - talk of the batman really made my steamed mussels not taste so good.  If I had my druthers - I'd never have to see him or hear about him again, but alas, he is there, his sister is there, his mother is there, they are part of my life whether I want them to be or not - even if it is in the awkward evil glaring yet somehow avoiding eye contact walk a little too fast when passing by each other don't stand near each other completely silent state - which is perhaps worse than it was before - I can't tell.  Make me cry on an hourly basis or- make me feel awkward and uncomfortable....

At any rate, tomorrow I"m gonna go see The European Subletters dance in Jana's show - and hopefully the show will be fierce - then Kat and Cara are coming over for puppychow and comfort activities!  YAY!

Now - hopefully I"ll make myself go to theatre dance class - blargh -------

Cake

I had cake for dinner.  I just had to put that out there.  Its not something I'm proud of - but hey - its almost time for Casey to go back to Canada - so cake it was.  And it was deeeee-licious.

Charlie and plotted and planned for our showcase to get agents.  So far everyone we've spoken to has been really supportive, and I think we can actually get agents to come and give us appointments and - JOBS!  We're gonna model the showcase after all the college showcases, and I'm gonna talk to some of the UM MT patrons and ask for help, both monetary and just general advice wise.

So - my to do list:

Audition audition audition

Write to director of Adams Family

Apply to Josie's to be a hostess

Put showcase stuff into action

Help with Gina's baby shower

See Jana's show

See Reinking's show

See the Ariel understudy - aka starfish pasty girl - play ariel March 18

Get in touch with Ariel's voice teacher for voice lessons

Class class class

Ask kristen about music for Giraffes Cant Dance (Is anything actually happening???)

Dentist Appointment

Hair appointment

Follow up appointment in a month with hot dermatologist

Take lots of Tap and Theatre dance class during Yoda's absence

Research and write about my two MARODDITIES topics (Lunar Lander - who wanted to be the first tranvestite on the moon and perform Swan Lake there with the martians as well - and the man who sells Pecans on 68th and Bway.)

Seriously contemplate grad school for journalism - and if the answer is YES - start practicing for the GMATs NOW

Get JP to help me make my damn video to send to casting agents - so I can get HIRED!!!!!

GET NEW ROOMIE PRONTO (suggestions, craigslist, posting at Steps and AEA, and emailing friends doesnt seem to be working?)

Have fun!:)

PHEW - busy busy busy - but hey - to quote LEGALLY BLONDE the MUSICAL - which oddly has been my inspiration these past few days "No I can't take the day off - I just think of the pay off"

Now - I need to sleeeeep so I can audition in the morning (YAY I'M GONNA SING A MERMAID SONG IF I'M SEEN!!!!!  Since they are auditions Beauty and the Beast!!!!!!) and take TWO classes, and walk these demned dogs ($350 - just htink - $350....) and do all the other exciting things I have to do - I mean - researching Lunar Lander can't wait!!!!!!

There's so much light here!

So TODAY - I walked into the dance studio and Yoda waved enthusiastically to me - which is VERY strange - seeing as - before he wouldnt talk to me - and kicked me out of class...but today - it was a flamboyant HELLO!  So I walked into class - and who stands next to me - but - M. GOMES!    GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!  THE MOST AMAZING MALE BALLET DANCER ON STAGE TODAY!  This tall handsome talented hispanic man, just - being brilliant next to me.  AHHHHH!  Whenever I see ABT performances - I always try to make sure HE is the male lead because he is SOOOO BEAUTIFUL to watch.   And he was NEXT TO ME.  GAH!  Not only that - the entire class was freaking ABT people!  It was about three "crazy old ladies,"  a very sweet extremely talented girl named Morgan, and ABT.  ABT PRINCIPLES and SOLOISTS and I was freaking out.  These past two days have been CRAZY INSANE because I feel like I did at the RSC only with BALLET people!  I mean - ABT is the RSC of ballet.  Yoda isnt really Rovert or Boydy, but he is at least John Barton or Cis Berry!  And here they all were - just - being their amazing selves.  And normally, when an ABT-er is in class, they ignore me as the girl in the booty shorts and brightly colored leotards - the obvious theatre dancer pretending to be a ballerina - or - the girl who hangs out with that weird guy.  But today was different - because today YODA WANTED ME TO BE THERE!  And we talked after class - and before class.  I came back in the evening to take contemporary - and Yoda was there teaching HIS evening class.  After our classes were over, he talked to me and Casey and two lovely boys from the class - about English chocolate - and told me he would bring me back MARKS AND SPENCER GUMMY PIGS when he gets back from England!  GUMMY PIGS!  REMEMBER THOSE!  THE PINK GOBS OF GOOEY HAPPINESS I used to beg people to send me?  Its crazy - its all coming back to me.  The brilliance of being around these talented driven intelligent caring generous people - the wine - the gummy pigs - the stories - the delightful struggle to figure out how to make our marks on the arts world - and - as I walked to physical therapy - I started singing a little mermaid song - "the world above" - the opening lyrics (And ironically the first notes Ariel sings) "This is where I belong..." WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

In all of this - I can't forget to mention  - my contemporary dance teachers are amazing as well!  

And --------------- some friends and I have formed an "audition tree" so we rotate who wakes up at the butt-crack of dawn to sign everyone in for these auditions.  Should make life much more bearable on that front!  Since - you know - waking up at 4;30 or 5:00 in this DELIGHTFUL weather to sit around for five hours only to not get seen isnt exactly my idea of fun... blarghlebots!

Right - off to bed I goooooo!

dinner with yoda i had.

Life is a very funny thing.  The moments of most exquisite joy often have an undercurrent of extreme sadness.  What you think it fabulous true is often only an illusion of crudely constructed smoke and mirrors.  What you think is drab, is in fact sturdy and dependable, therefore beautiful beyond description.  People who we think are our friends are the ones who run, and people who we think we will hate end up being the ones who support us and give us strength, wisdom, and courage.

The past 8 months have been filled with what we young'uns like to call "fuckwattage."  It almost all involves a boy - who - naturally isn't worth any of it.  In fact, it is MORE so the case here than with basically any boy in history.  Cara frighteningly said she would pick Sir Percival Glyde over him, which I might have to agree with.  

At any rate, it has all gone to hell.  Eight months of exciting incredible drama and comedy led up to this, but the pinnacle crowning moment came a month and a half ago.  We have a ballet teacher, sometimes referred to as Yoda.  So a ballet agent came and asked Yoda if he could recommend a strapping young lad to do a Nutcracker, and Yoda referred boy.  Boy did Nutcracker, but refused to pay the ballet agent the 10%  "finders fee" from his "salary."  Agent sent many notices, and boy didn't pay. So the agent came to the dance studio all livid before class and said YODA WHY DID YOU RECOMMEND THIS IRRESPONSIBLE NITWIT TO BE IN MY NUTCRACKER WHEN HE WONT PAY ME MY 10% FINDERS FEE.  In an embarassed rage, Yoda pointed to ME - who he has always associated with boy - and said "you know what you can do, you can leave right now."  I had done NOTHING other than foolishly been the best friend to boy that boy could ever imagine, even though boy had done nothing but shit on me, use me, drain me, and beat me emotionally for months.  (I have tried to type that story here sooooo many times, but it is so long and ridiculous and upsetting I fail.)    Now, instead of boy saying I'll pay the freaking agent, or don't kick my friend out, or I'll help you talk to Yoda after class, or when he's in a better mood, or even give a reassuring look, boy pulled down his baseball cap and turned away.  He then HID!  HE HID!  Three girls I didn't even KNOW came running out of the room to see if I was ok - which I wasn't - I was heaving and sobbing - and Amanda quickly joined.  Cara came and skipped her class to try and comfort me.  Casey and Davin decided to boycott the class until I was let back in, as did the others suffocating me with support. After class, boy STILL did not offer to help.  He did not offer to help for FOUR DAYS - and that was only because NO ONE would talk to him because he behaved so selfishly and cowardly.  Finally, he mumbled to Yoda, can my friend come back to class, and Yoda said "yes that's fine."  Now - he and Yoda are supposed to be super tight.  He is supposed to be Yoda's protege.  Yoda apparently offers to take him out to dinner, and comps him into EVERY class so he doesnt have to pay, buys his dance class, and gets him jobs.  You would think - he wouldnt put up much of a fight to ask Yoda if his best friend could come back to class.  But the fights was agonizing.  Girlfriend broke up with him, dance partner stopped dancing and talking to him, people wouldnt come to class.  It was ridiculous. At any rate, once I was back in, he said "I'm mad at you, why wouldnt you talk to me."  and I said "because you HID when I was kicked out for something you did."  And he said "I had the choice between you and Yoda and I chose Yoda."  And I said "Let me ask you something - do you think I did anything to deserve getting kicked out of class" he said No "do you think Yoda was right in kicking me out" -no - "do you want to be a ballet dancer" "no" - "So why would you side with someone who you know is in the wrong, especially when its due to your actions," "This is getting really old" - "How on earth are you ever going to be Batman if you can't stand up to a 77 year old who can't walk."  And that was the last I actually spoke to him.

The story is MUCH more complicated than that.  Boy's relationship with Yoda is very tricky, Yoda's relationship with the world it very tricky, my relationship with boy is very tricky.  Up until this point, everytime I went to talk to Yoda, he would tell me to go away.  This is because he only talks to ballet dancer who are really fabulous and in or on their way to fabulous companies.  I am not that.

At any rate, Casey and Amanda decided they were gonna get in good with Yoda all on their own  without Batman's help.  And - they DID IT!  IT was amazing!  And suddenly - Yoda started talking to me.  He learned that I wanted to be on Broadway and had no delusions of ABT.  So he invited me to this class where I could meet a very famous actress who is workshops to do a show with - THE DIRECTOR OR SATYAGRAHA AND DOCTOR ATOMIC!  SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!  And said - I could talk to said famous actress and see if she could help me get in touch with the director.  Well - That happened today - after- might I add - two INCREDIBLY productive auditions - FOR WHICH I WAS ACTUALLY SEEN HAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLELUJAH!   I went to class, actress was there, and we talked and she had really fabulous advice about how to meet director and what positions were still available on the show that I could fill.  It was LOVELY and AMAZING!  Then - AFTER CLASS - YODA - the man who kicked me out of class - TOOK ME AMANDA AND CASEY OUT TO DINNER at this super fancy Italian restaurant of happiness and yumminess.  And we talked about EVERYTHING - and I had these INCREDIBLE flashbacks to my days at the RSC and working with Rovert!!!!!!!  (Yoda happens to be English as well!)  His stories were magnificent and it turns out he was a Broadway song and dance man and Broadway is where his true passion lies.  He was so inspirational - the entire dinner was akin to having a huge brain massage.  He had really useful things to say such as "Be prepared to be steered in a different direction than you thought you wanted, and to be ok with that" and to roll with the punches and let fate take its toll - have the skills and be prepared.  He had fabulous example stories of both triumph and success.  He talked about the difficulties he had running his dance school, how the war affected the outlook of all the artistic revolutionaries in the 1970s (from Balanchine to Rovert), to his thoughts on a National Theatre/Ballet company, he even had advice on how to handle the demned NYSTATE TAX!  It was funny witty informative zen - everything I needed to "stoop and build'em up with worn out tools."  It was such a breath of fresh air and reminded me of everything I love in life and theatre - and all the things I want to do and accomplish and create!  And he had insight on what would be needed to do it -but still gave me the challenge of achieving it - and he seemed to believe I could!  He said "I see you dancing on Broadway the stage - not the street!"  LOL!  Additionally he had brilliant stories about celebrities (one person who wanted to be the first transvestite on the moon!) and English Royalty and the Russian Mafia.  And - he got us all drunk - on white wine - just like I had at the Dirty Duck!  SIGH!

And I find it soooooo intriguing - how life - can in fact steer you in a completley different direction.  One minute I'm kicked out of class, next minute I'm eating mushroom ravioli talking about the queens corgis!  

And I truly have to say, Amanda, Casey, Kat, Cara, - what fabulous people to have in life in general. 

And on a final note - I CAN LOVE AGAIN!  haha!  I randomly picked some dermatologist off of my blue cross blue shield doctor finder website.  I didnt give much more thought than - he's close to the dance studio.  And - he walks in - and I turned into a retarded giggling school girl.  Kat and Cara now jokingly call him DERMA-MAN who fights crime with the acne cream in his tool belt and his cape made of an abnormally large facial cleansing wipe!  DOOO DOO DOOOOOO!  I suggested we steer clear of superheros - and Amanda - that punny girl - said - hehe "steer clear - get it."  Anyhoo turns out DERMA-MAN has a facebook.  I wonder if he'll accept my friend request.  

So - the past two days - A) Met Derma-man - b) SEEN AT TWO AUDITIONS c)Met famous actress with link to beloved director d)dinner with Yoda e)not enough sleep in my life - so away I gooooooo!

Things that make me want to cry

So - this month I've been rescheduling and rescheduling my days to come home and show my apt. to potential subletters, and so far, everytime, no earlier than an HOUR before our scheduled meeting, I've recieved an EMAIL - not a text ot call - and EMAIL - from the person explaining how they already found a place, or were under the weather, or whatever, and couldnt come.  So I'm here freaking out because I have NO ONE TO RENT THE DAMN ROOM for March, and along come three people who were all coming to view the apt today.  So - I get Casey and Kat to come over and help make the apt SPOTLESS.  Not easy when you have THREE EUROPEANS staying here.  I had to clean the kitchen three times in the past 24 hours, and scrub the tub twice, despite my pleading to A)BE AWAKE by 1 when the people were coming and B) BE CLEAN.  No BAKING PIZZA.  So - anyways - I get everyone awake, the apt. beauteous - even spent $70 on a vaccuum cleaner to get all those crumbs.  And at 12:40 I get an email saying they arent coming.  ANd I want to shoot myself, because I STILL have NO ONE to live in the room.  And I stressed out about cleaning so much.  GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I want to cry.  And - then the girls decided they wanted to bake scones, and the kitchen is once again - a DISASTER!!!!!!!  BLARGH!

But all is ok - because I'm suppose to sit the demon dogs - so I'm thinking PHEW - at least I'll have some extra money to tide me over and help me pay rent.  But - I get a text saying due to the impending snow storm - the doggie owners - are leaving TODAY so I have to come today - and they are staying away an extra week - oh and BTW - THEY FORGOT TO LEAVE THE MONEY! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

SO FRUSTRATED! 

Additionally, my audition song is from Carousel.  I sound really pretty singing it.  But what do I do when I audition FOR Carousel.  Ugh.  I've been trying out sample songs - and just want to hurl things at my computer instead.