PASTRIES

OFF TO ENGLAND!  And PARIS!

Hopefully I won't come back looking like and Eclaire!  or a gummy pig!

It will be good to get away!  get out of old bad habits - old ruts - old states of mind.

Just come back refreshed and rejuvinated!  Ready to Take on the WORLD once more!

Hopefully INSPIRED.  Hopefully I will find my song - and my dance - and my excitement - love of life and joyfulness - confidence - assertiveness - etc...

And when I get back I will have a new roomie (as well as my old roomie for a few days.)

And hopefully princessing will pick up - it's so much fun!  And pays well!  I'd love to get relatively consistent work doing that!

And I'll spend October getting into shape for Nov. December, Jan, Feb, March - "audition season" - and I will book jobs left and right!:)

But for now - I have the Starship Pinafore - which I hope all my friend will come and see - (though I am urging varying degrees of innebriation for full enjoyment!) and EUROPE!  And then - who know what the future holds!  Hopefully many years of happiness!:)

I'm still reading the King Arthur book.  I must say - there is a lot to learn from the Knights of the Rount Table and their questing!  The rules of knighthood, the lessons learned, the honorable way to meet challenges, and how to acquire, process, and apply knowledge.   Great book! Everyone should read it!

Au Revoir!

I'll eat an extra pastry for you - whoever might be reading!:)

BLAH..................

..is having one of those - don't want to get out of bed - or leave the house days...blah....................

Gay men suck.  well - not all obviously - just the ones running the workshop - they just love to zap the life out of me - fun.

enough

One of the "life concepts" I have been working on is the idea that I am "enough" - just as I am.

Sometimes I truly believe I am.  The world, the stars, the planets, all seem in line up and I feel nothing but joy, calm, peace, and elation.  

More often than not, however, I feel inadequate at best...utter failure at worse.  

I wonder - as vain and superficial and trivial as it might sound - have I never actually had a real boyfriend.  What is it that makes boys say "friend" instead of "girlfriend."

And I wonder why I seem to have a nagging tendency to come in second - at skating competitions, award ceremonies, etc...I remember once, I believe it was in fifth grade, I won THREE second place awards at the end of the year award ceremony at benjamin.  I won MORE awards than anyone else, but they were all second place...Chorus, Theatre, and Creative Writing...

At Interlochen I was runner up for the scholarships in EVERY class I took.

Science Fair I forget if I came in second or third - but I do know it wasn't first.

at DSOA I "won" the history award - but it was really a second place award - a girl named Alicia had a higher avg. score than me - but the teacher gave me the award because she knew how much it meant and Alicia won an award in every other class.

I seemed to specialize in 4th, 3rd, and 2nd at Debate tournments - but never number 1.

I did win ONE skating tournament - but I have more silver medals than any other...

What about me says number 2 instead of number 1?

I'll make it to the final ROUND of an audition - but then not get the phone call.

What gives?  How can I be enough if I'm always coming up JUST short?

Even more disturbing is that I find myself settling.  Being ecstatic i am sailing on the 'starship pinafore" - where I don't get paid.  

Additionally - if I am "enough" why are people always telling me I have to be more.  I don't sing pop - but then everyone says "but in this business you have to." 

I have a very special voice - it hits notes very few people can reach and sounds damn good doing it - and a lot of shows NEED those notes!!!!  Why can't I just work on at least making those STRONG and CONSISTANT before "needing" pop.  Or a "belt."  Or a "rock song."

I am GREAT at ballet and contemporary dance, good at jazz and theatre - and pathetic at tap and hip hop.  But I "need" tap and hip hop.  Oh yes - and Latin.

I am pretty  - but I'm never the "pretty girl" in the group that hits on... and everyone is always trying to get me to change my hair - be blonde, go darker, go shorter, go curlier - why don't you blow dry it?

I feel I'm smart and cultured - on top of having a comprehensive knowledge of the Shakespeare Cannon and Puccini Operas - I'm suppose to know every movie that has come out since 1980 and be able to quote it verbatim.

I feel I'm intelligent and read a good amount of literature and news stories - but they are somehow never the ones other people read...or the one that comes up in conversation - gotta read more!

I feel I'm skinny - but I don't have a six pack and people like to remind me my thighs are a litttttle bulky.

I speak French - but not fluently with perfect grammar - well enough to get around but I aint fooling anyone.

Don't get me wrong - I have plenty to be thankful for - and AM thankful for it.  I just wish I could be stellar - astonishing - at something - or that I could have my chance to shine - or that I could just be more comfortable and confident in my own skin - know who I am - know what my boundaries are - and stick to them and not care what anyone else in the world thinks.

Any hypocritically - I wish the world would love me unconditionally for all of these things that I am - and that represent me.  Not criticize - not ask for more - just accept - and nurture - and help me grow into the best ME I can be.

I suppose IIII have to accept myself first - because "if I love myself then loving you won't be so rough"

But right now - I could just use a hug - and/or a phone call - and some ecstatic elated screaming - and a huge smile on my face.  

I need to be enough...

PRINCESSING!:)

Today I had my first "party with a princess" training session!  WHAT A FUN JOB!  

Today was a Sleeping Beauty Party - I didn't actually get to dress up, I worked as Sleeping Beauty's assistant.  The girl I was working with was really sweet - as was the family hosting the birthday party.  They also had the world's most GORGEOUS apartment!  I think it was bigger than our house in Florida.   There was a walk in closet almost the size of my room!  It even had an "island" of drawers in the middle - like a store would have!  It was crazy!  And they fed us delicious pizza and cake - hrmmmm - princesses eating pizza...

Anyhow, I'm super excited about this job and I hope it all works out and I can get lots of work being a Party Princess! It pays well and is fun!:)  Sure beats buffing floors at Steps!  LOL!

Wish I could say I had as much fun in tap - I just find tap so damn boring - but alas - doing the back flips in the audition yesterday left me sore sore sore - so tap it was - not to mention - tap is SUPER good for me!

No word from South Carolina - I know they probably won't call ANYONE until Tuesday at the earliest -but you know me and my obsessive mind - I can't help but go over everything I wish I had done better - "performed" more "enunciated" more - relaxed more - waltzed better - etc...Well - I suppose it's all a learning experience.

No auditions this week which is weird - then - next week - ENGLAND and FRANCE!  Which is also weird ---

I'm more than a little nervous about going back to the RSC - I have VERY mixed emotions - on one hand - I love it more than words can ever express - on the other hand - I am extremely hurt that despite all the love passion and dedication I put towards it - in the end - I ultimately can't REALLLLLLY be a part of it - I also feel ashamed because - I feel I had such high expectations - at least IIIII had high expectations of myself - and after WIW - it all kinda fizzles into one depressed gunky gloop - and I'm not really sure I want the RSC rubbing that in my face.

All that being said - how different this fall is from last fall. (I KNOW I've said that before.)  But it does truly amaze me.  Even if South Carolina doesn't work out - I'm still in HMS Pinafore, I still did Austin's show - I'm a working princess! LOL!  And when I'm SEEN at auditions - I'm proud of the work I put forth.  I have finally found some mentors - there is the lovely Mary my voice teacher, the lovely Nancy (female Yoda) who has truly taken me under her wing in such a fabulous way - where as Yoda at one point accepted me into his circle - perhaps more as a way of getting back at Batman than anything else - Nancy says - hell - we are gonna get you working on the Broadway - and she pushes me, prods me, yells at me, and encourages me the same way she does her NYCB and ABT students.  Constantly - STAND UP TALL, POINTE THOSE FEET, MAINTAIN YOUR TURN OUT, PULL YOUR ARMS IN, PIQUE NOT RELEVE, WORK ON YOUR FIFTH POSITION, ALL YOUR TOES ON THE FLOOR, BE TALLER THAN TORI, JUMP REALLY JUMP, HIGHER!  GET YOUR LEG HIGHER!  it is the harping on she reserves for professionals - and I can feel myself improving leaps and bounds because of it!  And of course - Austin - who has given me so much in terms of self respect, confidence, experience, skills, and a sense of calm - tact - diplomacy - patience - and how to turn every negative experience into something positive and enriching.  I am so thankful for these three people.

I should also say Reinking - I can want to strangle her at time - but she is a valuable resource who has gone out of her way helping me find music, work on harmonies, and how to present myself in an audition room.  Kat who is always there to listen and be supportive and extremely helpful in EVERY possible way.  Alena - who is a constant creative drive and loving giving spirit who motivates me to be the best I can be every day!  And of course - Nathan - who is simply Nathan and I love him for it.

So hopefully - and i'm knocking on 8000 things made of woods - things are on an upswing - projects will start coming to fruition - and goals will be finally be reached!

I am thankful for a sound mind and fully functioning body - what wonderful things those are!  "what a piece of work is man, how noble in reason..."

 

update

Just for anyone curious - made it through two more rounds in my callback - now just waiting for the telephone to ring...

I've been close before - so Im not gonna celebrate until I actually GET a job - but getting this far in an audition open to equity is still an accomplishment!  See - when I'm SEEEEEEEEEEN I do ok....(touch wood.):)

Harmonizing

...on the upside - I also learned how to harmonize so I will be ASTOUNDING tomorrow at my callback!:)  (touch wood.)

avril

Remember that time I had a panic attack in the middle of my audition class - while being forced to sing Avril Lavigne?

Oh right - that happened today ---

fingers crosse and touching wood

OOOOOH!  Another My Fair Lady Call Back!  I'm nervous!  

But before anyone gets TOOOO excited - they had an "invited" call today AND are having TWO days of Local EPA's - so - while it is great to be called back - I'm waiting to open the champagne until I have a contract in front of me.

cue Gospel Music - OH HAPPY DAY!

TODAY I was SEEN for an EQUITY SHOW!  And made it through 3 vocal cuts (after they asked me if I could make my voice sounds MORE operatic!!!!!) and a dance call where I got to do FOUETTES!

Here's to hoping I actually BOOK IT!:)

South Ferry

Austin got me drunk today.  Damn him.  More tipsy than drunk.

We had tech rehearsal today - it was very challenging since our dancing space was reduced to a depth of five feet.  yes - five feet boys and girls - I can't even lay myself down on it - haha.  So our dancing are now very horizontal and rechoreographed - making it harder to remember the steps - and - stay on the rhythm.  But we shall do it!  And we shall be BRILLIANT!

Everyone is really and welcoming in the cast.  I had a lot of fun - but then again - I'm just overjoyed to be in ANYTHING and get experience.  

Right - well - it's back to Staten Island for a 10 a.m. call!  And no 1 train service to South Ferry.  Awesome!  (You know I love it!)

Pinafore

Today was cool because I was offered a role in the ensemble for the Village Light Opera's production of HMS Pinafore.  It was my very first opera audition!  YAY!

Also - I sang my "mock audition for WICKED" in my audition workshop and KICKED ASS if I must say so myself.  I wanna brag and revel now because next week begins "POP song" week - and well - as Austin says - its a good opportunity to work on things I'm bad at and am uncomfortable doing.  (For the record - I got to sing my favorite song to sing in the WORLD from Little Mermaid - Beyond My Wildest Dreams - in an operatic style with an altered high B ending for Wicked - so I was rather comfortable with that.  Pop belt - hahahahahahahahaha!)

AND OFF TO STATEN ISLAND for tech rehearsal for Austin's show!  

continuing

I continue to be thankful for Austin.  He makes me haaaaaaappppppppppy.  Somehow he always knows just what to say to calm me down or put my mind to rest or make me dance disco awesomely.  (touch wood.)

Audition workshop - not all I thought it would be.  And they are making me sing an Avril Lavigne song.  Blah...

I love my voice teacher Mary though - she is amazing - and so helpful and comforting.

I am officially a Disney Princess for Party with a Princess.  I have my first training party - which is paid - on the 19th!  They said I can play Belle, Show White, and Sleeping beauty - and they'd get me blue contacts (and of course a wig) for Ariel.

Yup - show on Saturday - woohoo.

different pumpkins

How different this onset of Fall is from last onset of Fall...

I am thankful.  Scared.  Excited.  Encouraged.

Phelim's Twitter message is just this - I like it:

Energy

Creation

Openess

Optimism

Love

He apparently has that taped to his door.  All good things.  I love Phelim - even though I've never met him.  His work astounds.