scratch that!

Scratch that entire last post - as always - a nice long talk with Fabrizio made things clearer - and easier!:)

Though - I think I have a lot of very confused people around ME - who don't understand why on earth I would apply for a directing program - ah well - they don't really know me - do they?

oooooooh boy.....

I am --- overwhelmed.

There is the POSSIBILITY that I will achieve one of my most passionate dreams --- to live in England - to go to RADA - which would put me OH SO MUCH CLOSER to working - actually WORKING with the RSC. PLUS! I'd be in my BELOVED ENGLAND! THIS OTHER EDEN! THis sceptered isle. The home of the Troughtons, JLF, Andrew, Ellie, Francis, T. Mannion, G. Hick, Body, Rovert, Andrew Lloyd Webber - LOVE NEVER DIES - lol - GUMMIE PIGS! THe program only accepts three - I made it to the final 50 based on on essays and resumes - not I actually have to DIRECT for them - and I am more than a little rusty.

That being said - I actually - apparently made it INTO the CAP21 practicum - but they can UNlet me in - if they don't like the way I belt by May 27th. I took a lesson with their recommended teacher - and lo and behold - she had me belting. I'm not Idina Menzel - I doubt I'm going to be hired for GLEE - but I was belting. The RADA audition would be during the first two weeks of the CAP21 showcase/practicum. The practicum is NOT cheap - and it feels stupid to miss the first two weeks - and if I got INTO RADA - the practicum would be essentially pointless. But if I don't get into RADA - then the practicum is a GIANORMOUS stepping stone that would allow me to be seen by, work with, and get feedback from casting directors, agents, etc... and theoretically book jobs. AHHHHHHH! WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's frustrating because I have people telling me all the time how gorgeous my singing voice is, and what fabulous stage presence I have, and I even had a very picky dance teacher today tell me he was frustrated FOR me because my technique is fabulous and I have EVERYTHING - and he going to get to the bottom of it! Why I'm not cast. (He's also heard me sing...) There is so much to explore there - and I've worked so hard and made so much progress (in a field where the speed of molasses is so much progress - lol) - and I love it - I always have - I always will - but - if given the choice - choose the practicum OR RADA - choose RADA over basically anything - I'd choose RADA. I wish I knew if I was IN - it seem silly to forgo other opportunities on a 3/50 chance...at the same time - I feel I'm as competitive as anybody in that field. (touch wood.)

Twisted every way --- what answer do I give? (That is from Love Never Dies.)

The weirdest part is - I havent even really been accepted into ANYTHING yet. RADA has not accepted - and CAP21 accepted me but reserves the right to kick me out... So I might get both - I might one - I might get neither - it's overwhelming...befuddling...exciting...horrifying...scintillating...and a whole bunch of other oxymoronic adjectives.

Oh yes - and we haven't even gotten into FIDDLER ON THE ROOF fun!:)

I wish...

I wish I didn't want things so badly - I wish I didn't love so much - I wish I wasn't so jealous - I wish care - I wish I could be content with just being the supportive friends everyone is thankful to have - I wish I could change the world...

But I can't...

So I guess I'll just cry on my brothers couch...

I'm nervous - two big auditions tomorrow and Friday! Technically no audition is bigger than any other - but CAP21 FEELS more important to me - maybe because Fabrizio is involved - and - then OKLAHOMA! which - is big because I'm going to DC to hopefully get seen. But - I'm also excited to get out of a the city for a hot second and see my brother and Morgandigo. See pretty spring flowers - maybe meet my bro's mystery girlfriend! lol!

My brother also bought 4 tickets to see FIDDLER! That made me excited! I sold my 10 tickets without having to bribe anyone! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Went for a lovely spring walk n Fort Tryon park with Kat today - it's beautiful!:)

INTO FIIIIIIIIIIRE! ONWARD, HO!:)

HFEUAYFHSUYGGAH!

I wish I knew things in the future - and could interrogate the universe to find answers and direction. And since I cannot flat out ask the universe questions - I wish the journey towards discovering them was not so expensive. Sometimes, life feels like one big scam to get all of my (not so abundant) money. Pay for this, pay for that, pay to travel, pay to train, pay to perform, pay to rent an apt, pay to eat, pay to get new dance shoes, pay to get cloths, pay to be seen by casting directors, pay to direct a show, pay to learn a skill that will theoretically pay you later, pay to get experience using this skill that will theoretically pay you later, pay to maintain and build upon this skill to compete with others in the field, pay to meet the right people, donate your time to this cause and that cause and to meet the right people, pay for advice, pay for insight, pay to take class, pay to take the subway that runs less and less frequently, get your friends to pay to see you, pay to publicize, pay to get filmed, pay to to join a casting agency, pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay -AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I don't know why I fail so badly at ever GETTING paid. I'm PHENOMENAL at spending - and I don't even buy cloths or shoes...but you want to learn choreography for an audition - PAY to learn it - want a vocal coaching PAY for it - want to work with an accompanist - PAY for it - want to take class - PAY for it - want to be seen by a casting director PAY for it! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Stop making me pay and give me a job already!

I don't know what the problem is - I'm scared it's me. I don't want it to be me. But I'm tired of blaming the universe...maybe it is - and I wish I wanted to do something else other than theatre --- I wish I wanted to be a lawyer, or doctor, or accountant, or executive, or CEO, or nurse, or architect, or whatever - but the thought makes me want to puke --- I always say I know I"m good enough - but what if I'm not? what if I'm not good enough at anything... not at acting, singing, dancing, directing, skating...what if I'm just ordinary- subpar and disillusioned...

I hate that I can almost touch it --- for so long - I've been SO close to it all - but why can't I actually enter the land of milk and honey - I didn't break any stone tablet - and WHY - when I try to be supportive - does it blow up it in my face? I sit around and listen to everyone else cry about how they arent cast - and then they ARE ----------------------------------and I get evil and jealous and upset - and wonder - why not me? And it makes me want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed...

But I do - every day --- endeavoring to persevere...

Maybe ---I'll get cast in OKLAHOMA in DC.

catching up - why hello April!:)

Why hello on-line journal - long time no talk. Lots of exciting things have been happening - not a whole of time to type. To begin with - JP moved in - HOORAH! It's so fabulous to come home to someone you actually WANT to see and talk to. Such a change of pace!:) And the apt. is completely redecorated and redone - it's amazing - it feels like a proper home!

Secondly - I've been working as Fabrizio's assistant for an off-bway show he is choreographing AND for the book he is writing.

Thirdly - working on FIDDLER still. I'm ready for it to open - or to at least be doing run throughs!

Fourthly - I just turned in my application to be in the CAP21 industry showcase. It is open to anyone who wants to apply. So - I've written my three essays, applied for financial aid, and am now waiting to schedule a phone interview - and - (insert scared shudder here) - audition. Even weirder - I BELIEVE Fabrizio is on the audition panel - and I'm singing my song from LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA - and he is - well - the light in the piazza - hrmmmm - maybe I should sing to Stephane Lambiel. It's also going to make me feel even LAMER if I don't get in.

Fifthly - doing taxes. Yuck. Taxes make me sad. I definitely turn republican during tax season.

It's busy and I like it like that!:)