funny books.

Whenever I get into a funk and pick up a funny book - things seem to brighten up. I guess humor cures the soul. It also probably helps that my "funny books" are usually written by tremendously successful women in comedy like Tina Fey. This week - it's Mindy Kaling - who's show - the office - I've never actually seen, but her book sure is funny. (I HAVE seen her in movies, however, so I'm not completely unfamiliar with her.) These funny authors always seem to succeed through hard work, determination, and INGENUITY. They make their quirks their strengths and slip in some circuitous round about way. And - they keep on keeping on. And laugh the entire time while doing it! Suddenly all the situations I was angsty about become hilariously funny. Mindy Kaling wrote her own play since no plays existed for her type. She showcased her talents and then became - "the perfect amount of famous." Kinda lights a fire under my bum to get me to actually CREATE something. A cabaret whether it be with my roomie or just me. Signed up for some pay to play agent meetings. Signed up for model mayhem - which was MOSTLY to stroke my vanity - hoping some amazing photographer would want to take pictures of me dancing on the beach - but also you can occasional get paid print gigs. My dancer friends said photographers just LOOOOOOVE dancers because they can leap and twirl. Well I'll happily leap and twirl. And I actually think monitoring will help. You DO get to actually interact with and get to know the casting directors and directors and the like. So maybe being a familiar face will make them remember my abundant talent as well!: ) So in theory - and fingers crossed - things are on the up and up! (KNOCK ON WOOD!:))

Books

One nice thing about monitoring is, I get to catch up on some reading! Sometimes I forget how nice books can be.

a wish. and a vent. And a wish.

I'm scared. I'm really very very very scared. I'm scared of being poor. I'm scared of no one hiring me. I'm scared that I won't get enough work to qualify for insurance after my MFL insurance runs out. I'm scared that I'll never get hired again. I'm scared that I don't know why I'm cut from dance calls. I'm scared of not being able to figure "it" out - how to support myself AND audition. I'm scared I'll always be frustrated. I'm scared I'll never have stability. I'm scared I'll never be able to buy myself a Burberry coat. I'm scared I overestimated my talent. I'm scared of having a "real people job." I'm scared of being an adult.

I'm upset I was cut from a final callback I should not have been cut from today. I'm upset that people who I think are not nice people play the political game so well. I'm upset that I don't have a job. I'm upset I have given my all and more and have nothing to show for it except an empty container of ice emotional from an emotional eating fest. I'm upset that I know my ballet technique is the BEST of the girls who I am constantly called back with but for whatever reason I can't let it show. I'm upset that I feel I always need to be better.

I miss the days where nothing mattered and everything was fun. I miss the days where I was awesome and I was just a barrel full of amazing potential and promise. I wish that being ready willing and able was enough. I wish that I didn't have to worry about contract and how many equity and non equity contracts are available, what's pre-cast, how man insurance weeks something gives, what the puzzle pieces are, who has local housing, etc... I just want to be happy. And carefree. And to have dreams come true. Please job fairy - come my way. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I WISH I MAY I WISH I MIGHT HAVE THE WISH I WISH TONIGHT! When you wish upon a star and a dream is a wish your heart makes - faith trust pixie dust - JOB! PLEASE! HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I am an incredibly strong dancer/singer/actress - HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Second star to the right, north star, Orion Nebula, twinkle twinkle little star - HIRE ME!

Audition Ninja

This week I was an audition NINJA!!!!!!! I somehow managed to make it to every audition I needed to except 1 this week - which SOUNDS like it wouldn't be a ridiculous feat - EXCEPT there were 6 auditions every day - IN DIFFERENT BUILDINGS some 12 blocks apart! I was running through times square IN my ballet cloths! But no one stared because there were weirder things happening around me! No matter what - I feel awesome about it! And hopefully the end result will be some MAGICAL PHONE CALLS!!!! ( touch wood.) YAY POSITIVE ENERGY INTO THE UNIVERSE!

Oh yeah - and I even found time to go to an astronomy club meeting where I got to see the rings of Saturn through telescope! It was amazing!

Half birthday.

Today is my half birthday. On my REAL birthday I turned 30 - something that most people seem to fear, but I really didn't. In fact a lot of things fell into place when I turned 30. I finally got an equity performing job. I got closure with the RSC. I got a fabulous living arrangement. But as all neat little packages do - things started to fall apart a little - so at this half way mark to my next birthday - I'm going to get things back in line.

A - no more nutella sandwiches. Really - it's getting a little ridiculous.

B - I need to make getting an agent a priority. I need to find their open calls. I need to find their pay to play classes. I need to network and write letters. I say I'm not good at "networking" - then my friend C pointed out - alright Ms. Stalk Rovert Nnun and get a job on Broadway - I don't buy that for a second. Fair enough.

C - Must get at least THREE songs in my book that can count as belting. You know. For those days you go to a dance call - get kept - are standing in line to sing - and are told they want 16 bars of country gospel. Which definitely happened last week.

D - Goal is - if I don't have a performing job - be teaching at least 3 pilates classes a week by the time my unemployment runs out - so I can apply to actual pilates studios and actually make - money.

E- must find survival jobs. Ushering. Catering. Merchandise Selling. Whatever.

F - Loralee and I NEED to put on our cabaret in the next 6 months.

G - I must believe in myself as much as I did over the summer. Grateful for the good things that come my way. And happy to accept and overcome the challenges I encounter along the way. The heights of great men were not reached by sudden flight, but while their companions slept toiled upward in the night.

We are number 1 - all others are number 2 or lower

This was a very trying week. Lots of auditions that threw lots of very frustrating curve balls. (I.e. - going in to audition for FIDDLER and being given the choreography to A CHORUS LINE. Here's the thing with A Chorus Line. There are girls who LIVE for a Chorus Line -and every production of A Chorus Line has the same choreography and the same exact audition combination. There are many workshops to perfect this combination. Girl who LIVE for Chorus Line train this combination constantly. I do not. So - I really have no shot at all of going in for this musical. FIDDLER however - I do.) (I.e. #2 - two accompanists who could not play my music. Or more precisely one who COULD not - and one who WOULD not. The one who WOULD not - decided he didn't like the arrangement of my music, didn't play the measures he disagreed with, took my music OUT of my binder - wrote on it IN PEN - notes that HE liked - and said "people have been messing this up for years." Then sent me on my way. Um - EXCUSE ME - it's NOT your job the approve or disapprove of my music - and certainly to just NOT PLAY measures you don't like DURING my audition. If anything, do the rearranging BEFORE and WARN ME. GRRRRRRRRRRR!) And lots of very early mornings waiting out on sidewalks for two hours before buildings opened. (To be met with accompanist who just don't want to play my music apparently.) And very few words of encouragement from the "other side of the table." very few signs they are even hiring. Or looking. Or considering. Insecurities run rampant inside my brain! Super fun all around. I'd really like some good news on the professional front about now. Hello? Anyone there? PLEASE?

On the other hand - I've seen a lot of really great free or incredibly cheap theatre in the most unexpected placed. Friends who do equity showcases (which I get in for free with my card!) that are actually really good! It makes me proud to be their friend and happy to see great "fringe" theatre and new work being done! I've discovered comedy/improv at place like UCB and The Pit and The Magnet where for a mere $5 you get a evening of silliness and fun. AEA sometimes gives out free tickets so I get to see SIERRA tomorrow in an off-Broadway show - which I'm obviously very excited about.

I've also made some new friends who are awesome - and reconnected with some old friends - lots of Woman in White friends coming out of the woodwork which is really nice for me! One got me involved in a charity singing organization. It doesn't pay but it's nice to sing in a pressure free environment for people who just think you are the cat's pajamas!

And I rewatched Mystery Men. Because sometimes you just need to remember that we are number 1 - all others are number 2 or lower. And when you doubt your powers - you give powers to your doubts. And that you must lash out with every limb, like an octopus who plays the drums!:)