a wonderful conspiracy

Today the world conspired against me in a most wonderful way. I got lost in Central Park. How? I will never know. I walk through that park on a multi-daily basis - just because I like to. I swear - walls popped up that were never there before, paths took me in weird windy directions. I was angry and pissed off and confused - when the park finally spat me out - I crossed the street - and there was Boydy. I am fully convinced the universe created this labyrinth just to make this meeting happen. And for the next 7 hours - I was with "Michael" and a beautiful princess and respected RSC member "with the company" who didn't have to pay for her house seat - and it was wonderful.

Too bad I can't say the same for Sam. :-( He performed well, but man, was he in a dark place. It breaks my heart because he has always been an angel to me. I wish he was happier at the moment.

But - I wasn't his guest tonight, as I was during R&J. Tonight I was Boydy's. And it was natural - like I never missed a beat, and it was wonderful, and happy, and home.

Thank you universe and/or central park - for giving me what I have needed for a very very very long time. Thank you thank you thank you. It's always nice to end the night flanked between Boydy and Trouters. Nice...and VERY rare - I'm actually not sure that's ever happened before. It was nice.

too much to compute

What a WEIRD two weeks. I think just about everything happened except me ACTUALLY getting a job.

I was with Sam - then Sam got hurt - now Sam is very sad - and I don't get to hang out with him. Sam shouldn't be sad.

I've slept in 6 different beds. (And no...not THOSE kinds of beds...)

I've beat down a little bitchy man who thought he and his boyfriend could best my dad.

I'm been denied. I've been almost approved. I been cut. I've been callbacked. I've been up for leads of shows I was cut in the first round for. I've been apologized to by a producer for the fact everyone on the creative/production team BUT the director liked me. I've learned so much music. I've throw out so much. I've FOUND so much. I've been VERY hot. I spoke in an English accent. I've eaten almost no protein to my dismay. I've been praised. I've been insulted. I've been lied to. I've seen humans at their bitchy worst. I've seen people being incredibly kind and giving. I dressed up as Severus Snape to see Harry Potter. I saw the current US space program end. I saw people care more about Amy Winehouse than Norway - or the Space Program or Rupert Murdoch or possibly Harry Potter. I've packed a HUGE bedroom up and am making it fit into a smaller bedroom - esp. thanks to bed bath and beyonds special space saving hangers and shoe racks. I've been the LEAST emotional person in a situation - which is TRULY rare for me. I look forward to being settles so I can focus on my career and my friends - and just be happy.

weird week.

dear douchebags of the world - stop taking your personal battles out on me!

we are all fighting our own personal battles as we try to go about our daily lives. Looking for new apartments, family troubles, friend troubles, boyfriend/girlfriend troubles, health troubles, job troubles, self esteem troubles, money troubles, worries, hopes, wishes, things we'd rather be doing, etc... but please - I beg of your - don't take it out on me.

Boss at Steps - I don't know what your problem is - whatever it is - get over it now.

Stupid guy whose lease I'm taking over - your boyfriend is a law student/intern - not a lawyer - don't pretend he is - and I'm trying to HELP you - don't be a bitchy gay man. AND - you are making two girls cry - that's not the way to be! Just ASK me "did you send the application in" don't get all legal and weird.

Guy in my vocal workshop who crushed my legs with his chair and then didnt apologize or move despite the fact I SCREAMED in pain - (the girl behind me had to move so I could back up) I know you SAID there was something outside of class bothering you that you can't let go - but that is not a reason to physically hurt me.

And what's incredible is - at the same time - there are so many people being wonderful and helpful and kind. A guy who gave me free English dialect coaching even though I was cut before they got to reading the scene, my friends who are helping me pack, friends who meet you in the park with gelato, friends who help you sign up for auditions, the ones who leave a simple facebook message when you need it.

It's been a weird week. A very weird week. Full of very strange uncharacteristic ups and downs and all arounds.

I am SO READY TO HAVE A PERFORMING JOB! BEYOND READY! BEYOND WILLING! AND BEYOND ABLE! Come on universe! let's get it done!

2 weeks notice

Methinks it's time to put in my 2 weeks notice at Steps - I'm always in auditions (whether or not the auditions are casting or simply required calls is another matter entirely) so I don't take even 1/5 as many dance classes as I used to, I'd probably be better off just making money doing a real job at night, and I got into a fight with my boss over whether or not the fans were on. The fans were ON - you could see them - you could hear them - and she kept trying convince me they were off. It was insane. I finally said she was right, the fans weren't on. She said o.k. and walked away. I think she is on drugs. It's just too stupid for words.

misc.

What a WEIRD few days. Between Trouters (who was wonderful both on stage and off - but is now in the hospital), new apartments, vocal workshops, auditions, and trying to figure out how to move everything and how much it will cost - I might be going slightly insane.

Yesterday I had a DISASTEROUS audition for CAMELOT - I thought I would have time to print a resume after I signed in (because there was no printer where I was staying) but the kinkos was closed due an emergency flooding so I had to get my friend Danielle to drop off a resume at AEA for me - and I just auditioned horribly and was cut. (they were actually CUTTING - that RARELY happens - they usually just say - thank you - and call or don't call - but they made a cut to dance right there.) I was like crap - I suck! Then I went to the dance call today, and ended up getting called back for Guenevere. Now the CASTING notice says they are only looking for a Guenevere UNDERSTUDY who will also PLAY Nimue - a WATER NYMPH/mermaidy character who ends up being the destruction of Merlin. WAIT! WATER NYMPHY MERMAIDY OPERA SINGING BALLET DANCER! OH COME ON! JUST GIVE IT TO ME!:):):) lol! I hope I book it!

So hanging out with the RSC was entirely - weird. And normal. And wonderful. And strange. But here is the STRANGEST part. I have too much BLAIR in me! They all went to this pub - that is really not a good pub - I've been several times and think it is just shite. And they kept talking about how wonderful it was and it was just the best place ever, and I think if I was in ANYONE's company EXCEPT Sam's - I would have left. But - several RSC members - it turns out - are huge fans of JOHN ADAMS operas! And Sam apparently based Brutus on Richard Nixon! Sam was everything Sam should have been - too bad he got hurt the next day.....:-( Very sad. And the actress who played JULIET is one of the best actresses on the planet. She was freakishly amazing. (As was Sam as Romeo - AND the people playing Lady Capulet Lord Capulet and Mercutio. Lady Capulet made me cry. Since when does THAT happen?) And there was this little 11 year old black girl who kept asking the ushers where she could meet the actors and the ushers didn't know. I pulled her aside and told her to find me after the show, I was meeting Sam. Her eyes got SO BIG! She met me - turns out she is a violinist, budding opera singer, a HUGE R&J fan - she saw the Ballet at ABT, the Opera at the Met, and every movie, but this was her first time seeing the play and it was by FAR her favorite!:) She proudly showed me her full collection of autographs afterwards! So cute! Sam said he would try and get me into the dress rehearsals for the other shows so I don't have to pay a BAZILLION dollars. Apparently no one in the cast or crew gets free seats to anything either - not even BOYDY was in the theatre!!!!! WOW! I just hope Sam is o.k., I've not heard anything from him - just the newspapers.

The new apartment is QUIET! IT's so ridiculously wonderful! Just trying to figure out how to set up my room so ---- it fits my oversized life in it.

But my current bouncy state is due to the callback! I feel very proud - because I was cut before then I came back with a vengeance. The casting director for Mary Poppins also said "wow" when I was done - and everyone in the hallway said it sounded fabulous - but I don't think Poppins is actually casting. It's a required call. HOWEVER - she also casts PHANTOM OF THE OPERA and HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING - and DID cast the Little Mermaid - back in the day. I AM SO READY TO BOOK A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

anger/what I wanted to say!

For the past two weeks I've been KILLING myself trying to find an apartment that's under $2400 BELOW 59th street for my roommate - and failing miserably. I've seen all SORTS of exciting things - rooms that are 8X3 (WHAT!? That's not a ROOOOOOM! That's a small walk in closet) sixth floor walk-ups (not TECHNICALLY even LEGAL), bathrooms without sinks (You can use the KITCHEN sink to brush your teeth), tiny ovens that are less than half the size of a normal oven (forget baking cookies - no cookie sheets fit), railroad style aparments where you have to walk through your roommates room to get to your room or the bathroom, ALL winged which means there is no living room (I happen to really enjoy living rooms!), and all "just over your budget of $2400 coming in at $2600 a month - PLUS broker fees! YAY!!!!!) Every time I found anything ABOVE 96th street my "roommate" would say NO! Absolutely not. So I would continue AGAIN to look BELOW 59th - and EVERY broker would take me to the f-ing upper EAST side -where I said I didn't want to be - oh but it's only a FIVE AVENUE walk to the subway (really means ten blocks) and the subway they are talking about is the most useless subway for anything I need after the GJMand Z trains. It's the 6 train. Doesn't get me to auditions, doesn't get me to class, doesn't get me to my friends. Nada. To get anywhere I would have to transfer TWICE! So then they'd say - I just have to show you this apt. ABOVE 100th street - and it would be great and roommate would IMMEDIATELY say no. Of course, Roommate is doing ZERO looking and I found out about 20 minutes ago - hadn't even bothered to look at any of the videos or photos I took! Didn't even read the ROOM measurements I so painstakingly took! Just said, absolutely not, the commute would take me forever. I told him to HOPSTOP the commute (it makes out your commute and tells you how long it will take erring on the longer side.) He didn't do it! I told him the express trains would take LESS time - he said he didn't care. He wanted to be able to WALK to the places. So I told HIM to help find places and he said he knew "secret people" and I asked who are your "secret people" and he said "I can't tell you they are secret" and I said "well then you call your secret people." (Look as soon as someone starts talking about "secret people" they can't tell me about - I immediatley have horrible flashbacks to Batman who has "secret people" he couldn't tell me about when he was selling fucking iphone - and I just don't do well with "secret people.") And he said "o.k. I will." and then he never did. (Probably because ANYONE who talks to SECRET PEOPLE is CRAZY!!!!!!) I asked him WHERE he lived before, what the apt. was like, how many roommates, how much did he PAY, so I would have an idea of what he EXPECTED from an apt. thinking you know, he dug 8X3 rooms on 6th floor walk-ups as long as they were near NYU. He told me he couldn't tell me it was too long to type. (WTF! AGAIN! in the same vein as fucking SECRET PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!) I finally found out from a mutual friend he lived in a 2 bedroom apt. in Stuyvesant Town and they used the living room as a third bedroom. For the record - a CHEAP TWO BEDROOM is Stuytown is $3847. So what he was EXPECTING is $1447 OVEr our budget. I asked him what he WANTED form an apartment, he said anything as long as there is laundry. Let me tell you - NOTHING I looked at in his areas even came CLOSE to laundry! I mean - there weren't even sinks in the bathroom!!!!!

So - he went to this party tonight that I didn't go to because I'm having a nervous breakdown - freaking out in my own overdramatic way as I fear ELH Management is going to take me to housing court and try and take money I don't have - and that they are going to throw out all of my things in the apt. without telling me, even though I've been going back every day to check and see if they've returned any of my attempted contact and when I go those f-ing derelicts are still out front being as cordial as ever, and being sad because the sublet I found is a fifth floor walk up on 207th street which really isn't doing wonders for my desire to have an EASIER commute since I am not two stops FURTHER than my previous apt and the sink doesn't drain so I have to kneel down and brush my teeth/wash my face int he bathtub, and freaking out that I'm NOT going to find a place by Aug 1, and that I just want this all to be over with so I can focus on things that are important - like auditions - or stalking Sam - or the RSC - or not eating like pregnant woman as I try to drown my stress in chocolate bars, and how I waste my money as I pay $40 to join a no fee rental website and when I contact a NO FEE owner/broker they all want to charge me stupid f-ing fees or all of their listings are old and when I call they say "sorry - but we have this lovely FEE apt. for you," and how i miss having my things NOT in a suitcase, and just EVERYTHING! GAH! So I didn't go to this party.

And apparently at this party - a girl who roommate has a crush on said he was STUPID for not taking the dream apartment I said no to two ago, and pointed out that it was near her and not in a scary neighborhood. SO - at freaking 2:40 a.m. he contacts me and says "I'll take the apt. if it's still available or we should look in the same area, Eva told me it was good." WHAT!? I've been working my ASS off - NOT taking class - skipping auditions when necessary to find you a FREAKING apartment in MIDTOWN as you party with your friends in Long Island not even bothering to come to the city to help me look, and because Eva tells you to, it's magically all o.k.!? I kind of HATE you right now. I hate you for putting me through the past two weeks. I hate you for not listening to ME or LOOKING at the stuff I sent you - not looking at the website or the videos or descriptions or measurements. Not even e-mailing people or looking at postings on craigslist while I get rude e-mails back telling me that I am DESPISED because I want a true two bedroom with a living room in midtown for under $2400. I hurt from carrying around all of my shit with me as I run between Brooklyn, Chinatown, the east village, the upper eastside, midtown west, the UWS, and wherever I am staying walking up all of the f-ing fifth floor walk-up FOR YOU because you REJECT everything I find that is good! (And Yes ALLLLLL my stuff - dance cloths, shoes, music books, audition dress/shoes, curling iron, headshots, resumes, camera to take these VIDEOS YOU DIDNT WATCH! Then you IM me saying - Eva said I should live there. Sorry I didn't look at your videos, but Eva's place is nice, so I guess the area is nice. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I know I should just be HAPPY! YAY! You've come to your senses. But I kind of just hate you.

Especially when I have three very lovely people all being quite kind and offering to help look or or offering up their places as a new home. Sure they can't PAY as much as you, but at least they take the time to care about what I've seen/who I've contact, etc...

I think you've lost your chance. (of course I didn't tell you this - I just told you I had to go to bed and we'd discuss it in the morning.) But all of this - is what I WANTED to say!

Trout

I love Trouters! I hope he lives up to all past Trouter experiences. I love him and all he stands for! He is awesome! I hope he only grows more awesome in my perception - because it's good have symbols of all things wonderful that periodically drift in and out of your life - especially whe you really need them!:)

Crazy week.

It's hot. VERY hot. I've actually been told it isn't that bad - and I guess it's only 82 - but I'm sweltering every time I go outside during the day. I also have this weird thing against sweating. I really hate it. So, when I start sweaty after one block - I declare - it's too darn hot!

But I'm apartment hunting in this too darn hot weather - trying to find a new home. It's been a frustrating quest - but I believe it's because A) I made the mistake of telling everyone my sad tale - so they all think I'm desperate and will just take the first thing they offer me - WRONG B) I started looking four days before June ended - so I was being shown all the July 1 rentals that weren't rented because they sucks and C) There is a holiday weekend so allegedly all the management companies are down for business until the 5th. So - hopefully on the fifth, there will be awesomeness for me to look at. Not the crappy mccrappersons apartments they were showing me I've seriously never seen apartments so crappy - not that any of my friends lived in - not that I've been shown on any apartment hunting quests - and they were all super expensive. Seriously - there is not ONE TRUE two bedroom with a living that isn't a railroad style apartment that has a full sized stove that is under $2400 in all of Manhattan that isn't my block!? I don't believe it. Kat and Cara's place is $1600. Rent can't have gone up THAT much in one month people!!!!!!!! And don't tell me nothing like that exists in midtown - since I know perfectly well there is a true two bedroom with laundry in the building TWO elevators and a 24/7 doorman on 49th and 8th for $2600. I mean - take away the doorman and the laundry and surely there is something for $2400 or lower. AND - I offered to look in the area I used to live in the heights- where two bedrooms are supposed to be abundant in the $1800 range. GAH! So July 5th - I can't wait for YOU!

Also...boys...if you take me out on a date --- you can't tell me you think I'm fabulous but when I says something about how I wake up early and sing high notes, say - "oh yeah - I'd be annoyed if my roommate did that , but not if you did." My early a.m. high notes are part of me dude. NEXT! Stalker also has been contacted all of my friends trying to get me to go to his place for 4th of July. The letters are so not slick. They've been forwarded to me. THings like "I know (author of this blog) LOVES flame grilled burgers, and I'm planning on making them. She also loves ice cream, and I'll be providing lots of that. Do you think you and (author of this blog) would want to come over? If not, could I join you for your plans, whatever they may be?" Wow.

All of that aside, there was lots of good stuff this week. I saw a really funny comedy show. One of my dad's colleagues took me to see Sierra's new show! AND SHE HUGGED ME afterwards. I'm dorky enough to get excited about that. I have a Sunday brunch planned with Reinking and her friends, and my friend from Carmen invited me to spend Fourth of July with her and her boyfriend watching the fireworks off of Riverside Park with their ice cream maker and their homemade ice cream! That will be most marvelous! Also had a much needed Gossip Girl marathon with Kat. And - ALL WEEK I've been able to sleep - a blessing and a curse! it's funny - when having dinner with my dad's friend - she said something like "the line is drawn the first time you have to call 911." I mean - I've been calling 911 for over a year! Usually 311 because I know there are people who need TRUE urgent care who need 911 - but I just kind of thought - oh I guess this is life in New York, you call 911 and 311 all the time. But that's not the case. Kat's place is actually QUIET and I can sleep! INCROYABLE! I also met three new friends! Which is wonderful! Three people whoI hope will bring lots of happiness into the world! One was a lady who is in Phantom of the Opera - and she was showing me an apartment, but we started talking and became friends and are now trying to actually get people together to put on a show! It was as though we've been looking for each other to help get each other's ideas off the ground! I hope it works! Another was a tango dancer who apparently wants to show me and my friends great free outdoor tango this summer. And another is a fashion student at FIT who loves opera - and I might actually end up living with. Crazy world.

That's all for now. Time to do some pilates!