anger/what I wanted to say!

For the past two weeks I've been KILLING myself trying to find an apartment that's under $2400 BELOW 59th street for my roommate - and failing miserably. I've seen all SORTS of exciting things - rooms that are 8X3 (WHAT!? That's not a ROOOOOOM! That's a small walk in closet) sixth floor walk-ups (not TECHNICALLY even LEGAL), bathrooms without sinks (You can use the KITCHEN sink to brush your teeth), tiny ovens that are less than half the size of a normal oven (forget baking cookies - no cookie sheets fit), railroad style aparments where you have to walk through your roommates room to get to your room or the bathroom, ALL winged which means there is no living room (I happen to really enjoy living rooms!), and all "just over your budget of $2400 coming in at $2600 a month - PLUS broker fees! YAY!!!!!) Every time I found anything ABOVE 96th street my "roommate" would say NO! Absolutely not. So I would continue AGAIN to look BELOW 59th - and EVERY broker would take me to the f-ing upper EAST side -where I said I didn't want to be - oh but it's only a FIVE AVENUE walk to the subway (really means ten blocks) and the subway they are talking about is the most useless subway for anything I need after the GJMand Z trains. It's the 6 train. Doesn't get me to auditions, doesn't get me to class, doesn't get me to my friends. Nada. To get anywhere I would have to transfer TWICE! So then they'd say - I just have to show you this apt. ABOVE 100th street - and it would be great and roommate would IMMEDIATELY say no. Of course, Roommate is doing ZERO looking and I found out about 20 minutes ago - hadn't even bothered to look at any of the videos or photos I took! Didn't even read the ROOM measurements I so painstakingly took! Just said, absolutely not, the commute would take me forever. I told him to HOPSTOP the commute (it makes out your commute and tells you how long it will take erring on the longer side.) He didn't do it! I told him the express trains would take LESS time - he said he didn't care. He wanted to be able to WALK to the places. So I told HIM to help find places and he said he knew "secret people" and I asked who are your "secret people" and he said "I can't tell you they are secret" and I said "well then you call your secret people." (Look as soon as someone starts talking about "secret people" they can't tell me about - I immediatley have horrible flashbacks to Batman who has "secret people" he couldn't tell me about when he was selling fucking iphone - and I just don't do well with "secret people.") And he said "o.k. I will." and then he never did. (Probably because ANYONE who talks to SECRET PEOPLE is CRAZY!!!!!!) I asked him WHERE he lived before, what the apt. was like, how many roommates, how much did he PAY, so I would have an idea of what he EXPECTED from an apt. thinking you know, he dug 8X3 rooms on 6th floor walk-ups as long as they were near NYU. He told me he couldn't tell me it was too long to type. (WTF! AGAIN! in the same vein as fucking SECRET PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!) I finally found out from a mutual friend he lived in a 2 bedroom apt. in Stuyvesant Town and they used the living room as a third bedroom. For the record - a CHEAP TWO BEDROOM is Stuytown is $3847. So what he was EXPECTING is $1447 OVEr our budget. I asked him what he WANTED form an apartment, he said anything as long as there is laundry. Let me tell you - NOTHING I looked at in his areas even came CLOSE to laundry! I mean - there weren't even sinks in the bathroom!!!!!

So - he went to this party tonight that I didn't go to because I'm having a nervous breakdown - freaking out in my own overdramatic way as I fear ELH Management is going to take me to housing court and try and take money I don't have - and that they are going to throw out all of my things in the apt. without telling me, even though I've been going back every day to check and see if they've returned any of my attempted contact and when I go those f-ing derelicts are still out front being as cordial as ever, and being sad because the sublet I found is a fifth floor walk up on 207th street which really isn't doing wonders for my desire to have an EASIER commute since I am not two stops FURTHER than my previous apt and the sink doesn't drain so I have to kneel down and brush my teeth/wash my face int he bathtub, and freaking out that I'm NOT going to find a place by Aug 1, and that I just want this all to be over with so I can focus on things that are important - like auditions - or stalking Sam - or the RSC - or not eating like pregnant woman as I try to drown my stress in chocolate bars, and how I waste my money as I pay $40 to join a no fee rental website and when I contact a NO FEE owner/broker they all want to charge me stupid f-ing fees or all of their listings are old and when I call they say "sorry - but we have this lovely FEE apt. for you," and how i miss having my things NOT in a suitcase, and just EVERYTHING! GAH! So I didn't go to this party.

And apparently at this party - a girl who roommate has a crush on said he was STUPID for not taking the dream apartment I said no to two ago, and pointed out that it was near her and not in a scary neighborhood. SO - at freaking 2:40 a.m. he contacts me and says "I'll take the apt. if it's still available or we should look in the same area, Eva told me it was good." WHAT!? I've been working my ASS off - NOT taking class - skipping auditions when necessary to find you a FREAKING apartment in MIDTOWN as you party with your friends in Long Island not even bothering to come to the city to help me look, and because Eva tells you to, it's magically all o.k.!? I kind of HATE you right now. I hate you for putting me through the past two weeks. I hate you for not listening to ME or LOOKING at the stuff I sent you - not looking at the website or the videos or descriptions or measurements. Not even e-mailing people or looking at postings on craigslist while I get rude e-mails back telling me that I am DESPISED because I want a true two bedroom with a living room in midtown for under $2400. I hurt from carrying around all of my shit with me as I run between Brooklyn, Chinatown, the east village, the upper eastside, midtown west, the UWS, and wherever I am staying walking up all of the f-ing fifth floor walk-up FOR YOU because you REJECT everything I find that is good! (And Yes ALLLLLL my stuff - dance cloths, shoes, music books, audition dress/shoes, curling iron, headshots, resumes, camera to take these VIDEOS YOU DIDNT WATCH! Then you IM me saying - Eva said I should live there. Sorry I didn't look at your videos, but Eva's place is nice, so I guess the area is nice. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I know I should just be HAPPY! YAY! You've come to your senses. But I kind of just hate you.

Especially when I have three very lovely people all being quite kind and offering to help look or or offering up their places as a new home. Sure they can't PAY as much as you, but at least they take the time to care about what I've seen/who I've contact, etc...

I think you've lost your chance. (of course I didn't tell you this - I just told you I had to go to bed and we'd discuss it in the morning.) But all of this - is what I WANTED to say!