the show

Today was a very important stepping stone - i didnt realize it was an important stepping stone - but - I don't even remember the last time I sang on a stage --- was it PIPPIN?  9 years ago?  Wow...it's funny because it feels like yesterday - but I am such a different person now than during pippin.  I mean - I havent shaved my head and gone punk or anything   - and I'm still full of pixified fancies  - but the way I view and experience theatre has changed quite a bit - and most of my fearlessness has been lost along the way.  So singing in front of people - on a STAGE - with LIGHTS and a MICROPHONE seemed completely foreign and horrifying - very different than even an audition room - where TECHNICALLY the stake are higher.  The natural lighting and practice room feel helps me pretend I'm just reinacting things in my living room - not "performing."  

Also, I of course have never sung with a microphone!  (actually I think that is a lie - I think I used one at Benjamin - if that counts.)  Anyway - Mary - while I love her to death - seems to lose her mother hen sensibility before a show - and outwardly showed much of what was secretly going on inside my head.  Little help was given about how to use the mic - just yelling at me about why i didn't know how to use it.  I was like - DUDE!  YOU KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE I'M NEW TO THIS!  I've never sung in a CABARET!  I mean - my last great performance was HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS in 6th grade or something like that... and my song is about sunlight and how BEAUTIFUL sunlight is - in the rehearsal room (and audition rooms and my living room) - I can see sunlight - with the THEATRE lights - all I saw was darkness and a huge light in my face that hurt to look at.  It was HORRIFYING!

So when I actually got up to sing - I think my inner monologue was something like "shoot - the mic is too low - I should adjust it - oh crap - the incredibly attractice accompanist is playing the intro - I need to sing - "I don't see a miracle shining from the sky" - wait - I'm supposed to be seeing my mom in my mind's eye - why does my mom look like an exit sign - shoot - I'm now at the part where I see the sunlight - "i know what the sunlight can be..." wait - where is the sun --- are my hands spazzing - I know my hands are spazzing - they should really stop spazzing - am I flat now - I don't ever go flat in this song - but I mind me flat now - what does mary say about not going flat - right pyramid - oh I'm not sure I"m doing it right - where is that sun why do I only see darkness - "out of somewhere I have something I have never had - where sad is happy" NOW I get to think about Austin -hehehehe - Austin makes me happy - oh - i'm laughing because he makes me giddy ---OH gotta keep singing ---- oh tis is the tricky rhythm part I always get wrong - listen for three notes - 1 -2-3-4 - GAH! I"M LATE!  I'm always early - "the light in the piazza - the light in the piazza" - DAMN!  Its so dark and now I think I'm too closeto the mic - and where is that sunlight - maybe I should just think about Austin - GAH!  KAT is in the audience - and she knows my Austin face - and she is gonna know whatever is on my face right now is not my Austin face - she's gonna see right through me - this sucks  - I actually have time to think about Austin and be giddy and have it be productive and I'm not it - "all I see it - all I want is tearing from inside - I see it - now I see it - everywhere..." GAH!  That note is easy - why does it suddenly feel hard - "everywhere it's everywhere it's everything and everywhere - " NOW I GET TO THINK ABOUT AUSTIN AGAIN!  "Fabrizio" - wait - why can't I breath - I'm all out of breath - and I'm supposed to send this note to Fabrizio - but why does Fabrizio look like a lighting booth with a very nice black woman in it?  ACK!  JUST KEEP SINGING "the light in the piazza' - GAH!  I CAME IN EARLY THAT TIME - 'my love.'  Well - THAT is over - I still have another song to sing - well - may as well just fun - wait - I'm supposed to sing this song to the audience - but I cant see the audience - do I just pick random spots and pretend they are people - oh look - I can kinda see the people in the front - oh look - and asian couple - i wonder who they are here to see - "he said my espophagus" OH DAMN!  That is the wrong verse - oh well - i can fix it easily - just switch some things around - no one knows this weird song about bronchial tubes....Oh - I see Kim's mom - she was nice enough to wear a hat - maybe I'll jsut sing to her ---"my epidermis filled him with glee" - why on earth am i standing up here caressing my own arms - is this sexy - or just bizarre -"to figure out why he loved every part of me" - oh this is the nice part where I get to strike a ballet pose - I do enjoy a ballet pose - "and yet not me as a whole" - gah - totally not in the moment there - who am I kidding I'm not in the moment for any of this - "He said 'twas just enormousmy appendix veriformous " - oh my token high note is coming up - I actually like my high note - this is the easiest part of this whole performance - YAY high note! " he LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED me."  Oh yay - high note - you worked unusually well - thank you high note - I do love you so ---  oh - I guess that's the end - I'll get off the stage now - hopefully I won't fall down the stage - 

Apparently is FABULOUS and I was RADIANT in the Piazza song (retarded pretty girl song) and HYSTERICAL in the physician (song about a girl in love with a gay doctor) - and my high note was beautiful - and kat couldnt tell my inner monologue was what it was - and she could see Austin - and I looked relaxed - the accompanist asked if it was really my "cabaret" debut - and  I said yes - and he was surprised - but I guess the TRUE test was some strangers (including the mystery Asian couple aforementioned) sought me out and said I did a good job - they have no obligation to tell me I was fabulous - where everyone else kinda does - 

I ordered the dvd - so I'll get to watch it and cringe at myself OVER and OVER - HOOOOORAY!

Of course - Kim was STUPENDOUS!  I know I shouldnt compare myself to her - especially because while very similiar we are also very different.  In my opinion - she is very much a sexual woman - dark chocolate fondue - where I'm more of a crepe suzette - light - and fluffy - with a dash of orange zest.  More importantly - KIM IS AN AMAZING human and I am so happy I met her!  And hope we continue to be FABULOUS friends!  we've gone through similiar things in the past few years, and oddly know a lot of the same people - and as aforementioned - share a lot of goals - and i feel very fortunate to have met her!

Her mom also paid for Kat's admission!  (Kat is in a bit of a financial bind - so that was so super nice of her!)

There is another girl named Anjelique who was STELLAR - she performed a Beyonce and an Amy Winehouse song - brought the house down!  She was Kat's favorite!  So inspiring to watch her!

Anyhow, I guess conquering the stage at the Triad is step closer to conquering the stage at the imperial theatre - and figuring out what I have to work on etc... in a nice safe environment before moving up to the major leagues.  

Also - I got a "GOOD" on Petite Allegro today in Nancys class!  THAT NEVER HAPPENS!  INCROYABLE!

the roommate search continues - and has now become quite dramatic ---  people are weird - and have ever weirder friends - people with crystal meth addictions, people with 2 dogs, people with 2 kat, people with grand pianos, people who want to pay only half the rent and stay only every other night (not even kidding!), 52 year men, etc... it all seems bizarre to me...

Maybe I should just get the conductor of Pinafore to be my sugar daddy and pay for everything - shudder ----

Anyway - I guess today I took one step closer to reaching my full potential as a performer!  It will be a long journey- and one that I think no artist actually ever completes  - but - progress should always be celebrated - so - I had a piece of chocolate!:)  WOOOOHOOOO!

Oh - AND - I should say - I feel super pretty in my dress.  I have no pictures!:-( but it was a very pretty dress my mom and I bought in France at les halles - the designer section - it was relatively very inexpensive - but a one of a kind dress that A) looks like it came out of the show light in the Piazza and B) Lookslike it was tailor made for me - I love it.  And the very attractive accompanist said "you look so pretty tonight!" SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  I AM PRETTY!

GRRRRRRRR TO ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE!

I AM PRETTY!:)

Fabrizio!:)

I am nervous and excited to sing tomorrow (today) ---

My song is rhythmically hard - and we all know how much I just LOOOOVE rhythm - and truly at excel at it!

I am excited to wear my pretty dress and sing to --- "Fabrizio" - (HRMMMMM - WHOOOOO could I be using as Fabrizio --- I have nooooo idea...not.................the understudy for Prince Eric in Mermaid - noooo - never!)

There is a girl named Kim in the workshop - who is completely awesome on every single level!  Her voice is STUNNING - and to be honest - intimidating.  I feel like an uncoordinated three year old next her.  She is such a marvelous person though, and we've become good friends in a very short period of time which is nice.  We know a lot of the same people - and are reaching towards similiar goals and have similiar inhibitions etc...

I also read way too much into everything - and am convinced that the fact I am third on the program means that Mary hates me --- I think she is just trying to keep Kim and I as far apart on the program as possible - because we are so similiar - and Kim is way better and her songs are a better closer - but you know - I have an overactive mind....blah mind - just be happy --- there is so much to rejoice for - just - be happy- and sing to Fabrizio!

Also - I think the conductor of Pinafore is hitting on me - which is super disturbing - though his is a bazillionaire - so I'm trying to figure out how to make him give me LOTS of money for directing projects or voice lesson or - life - or send me off on crazy expeditions to Expeditions to Europe - he insisted on driving me home tonight - even though he lives on 10th ave. and I live 180 blocks away.  DUDE - what is with guys in Pinafore going out of their way to see me home --- riding the train with me only to take it back downtown to where they live on 34th - driving me - this is soooooo bizarre!

PS - the conductor of Pinafore is an old british man ---- I do believe it is odd that I am more comfortable with old british men than anyone else ----- what a strange strange strange thing...useful at times - but strange...

Alright - well - I should go to bed - big day tomorrow - vocal concert - and Nancy - Nancy enjoys beating me up!  And it's FABULOUS!  I love Nancy!  I love Nancy because - as I've said before - she treats me the same as she treats her ABT and NYCB dancers - she holds me to the same level - gives me the same amount of feedback, reality checks, and encouragements.  It may not seem special to someone not in the ballet world - but IN the ballet world - it is very very very special - and I am so incredibly thankful.

The package is becoming more and more complete - more and more refined - not a finished product - but getting closer every day ---

My goals for this months (rest of october and November) = 

Eat well!  (I fell off the bandwagon in Europe and have been having trouble getting back on...)

Continue to explore "relaxing" into my voice and dance/performing TO somebody (It's always Sierra or "Fabrizio" - they seem to work best depending on the subject matter.)

Get my room in order/find furniture that isn't broken

Believe in myself 110%

Enjoy life and encourage my friends to be the best that they can be as well!  

Get my projects off the ground - because I can!  I remember when I was first trying to work at the RSC - and created the internship - someone - maybe Ken Fischer - said - that we didn't unlock a door - we took a crayon and drew a door where there wasn't one and opened it.  I CAN create doors - and WILL - I'm excited to see all that I will do and accomplish!

But for now - I'll just focus on my pretty dress and my two songs for the Cabaret!:)

knock knock knocking

PS - I'm knocking on wood for that entire last post!

maximus

It's fall - full fledged fall.

I love fall so much!  The world changing before your eyes in a myriad of warm inviting colors...cool crisp air...apples...baked goods...costumes...figure skating grand-prix...pumpkins...pumpkin EVERYTHING...I just adore pumpking!  PUMPKIN SEEDS!  pumpkin bread!  Pumpkin pie!  Pumpkin tempura!  Pumpkin Soup!  Pumpkin cookies!  Pumpkin Cheesecake!  Pumpkin curry!  I'm not sure I've ever met a pumpkiny food I didn't like.  And - last night - I CARVED A JACK-O-LATERN!  One side a happy face - one side and evil mean face - just like when I was a kid.

Today VLOG (group doing pinafore) had a costume sale to try and raise money - they sold old costumes and baked goods (YES - I MADE SEVEN DIFFERENT BAKED GOODS!)  to raise money for the show.   The smiling goofy faces of everyone as they tried on the costumes was beyond priceless.  I love watching people be silly - and the shear joy on their faces as they remember being 8 and trick or treating door to door - or pretending that THEY were a fairy princess.  I like to pretend its them seeing the world as I usually do - but it also reminds me of the happiness I feel when pretending I'M a princess.

And GLADIATOR IS ON TV!

Granted I've eaten so much sugar I have made myself sick

but last year this time I was so depressed I actually stopped eating - great that I got skinny - bad that I spent most of the day crying ---

This year - I've been the one being strong for others - helping them get through their emotional despair - I hope I can be there for them as well as they were there for me - 

It's strange - being the one that people come to for advice - but it's also good to have a clear understanding of what they are going through and be able to offer honest advice.  Letting new friends in - exorcising the bad ones --- 

I'm excited to sing in Pinafore and Mary's concert.  Hopefully I'll get to sing a lot more in the future!  I never would have imagined people would say I had a pretty voice - but it thrills me!  Maybe one day I will get paid for it!  WAHOOO!

I love being a Disney Princess!  My boss is really kind.  I just wish there was more work!

I hope this will be a marvelous fall!  A marvelous winter!  A marvelous spring!  And a marvelous summer!  I marvelous year full of accomplishments and positive happy steps forward!

guy who likes disney

Today I met a guy (A STRAIGHT GUY ONE WHOLE YEAR OLDER THAN MYSELF!!!!)  who is as obsessed with Disney as I am - if not more.  Crazy, huh?

I also apparently AM awesome at fosse dancing when given it amongst opera singers!

Everyone in Pinafore is so nice!  what a great group of people!

I also had lunch with a very cool girl from Mary's workshop.

Yay for meeting new awesome people!

sometimes...

Sometimes ---- you submit yourself for a nice opera singing ballet dancing show --- but get called in for a Chorus Line. Alrighty - well that IS exciting...

But my friends are amazing and taught me the choreography - so I'll be ready! YAY!

like a panther...

Is stalking a show once again...stalk stalk stalk...

his energetic fist should be ready to resist a dictatorial word

HMS Pinafore is so much fun! Everyone is so nice and loving and talented and supportive and intelligent - crazily intelligent. The girl who plays Josephine works in hedge funds and is starting her own financial advising company! I met another girl who is applying to Columbia and NYU for neuroscience! And such beautiful voices! It's really great!

The conductor always says I'm the "smiley" one - and he can't stop looking at me when he's conducting because I always look like I"m having so much fun. We had a preview performance for the G&S society today - he said "it was a pleasure watching you as always" at the end. I find this hysterical - since I feel like I have no idea what is going on. (everyone else went to school for music - or started in music but switched to - oh ---- neuroscience or calculus...) so I'm the only one who can't read music and has not sung in a choir since 9th grade...

But I get a beautiful dress - I'm apparently a very well dressed Vulcan woman! So I'm excited.

And then of course - I"m singing for Mary's showcase in two weeks! EEEEK! Get to sing LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA and THE PHYSICIAN. Oddly the Physician is harder for me - since I'm supposed to be sexy - and - I'm much better at acting like a retarded 28 year old than a sexy 28 year old apparently...

I did the evil deed today - and told the roommate she had to move. It's sad because she just moved in and I was so excited about her - but - I can't have someone who lies in the apt. Flashbacks of "I didn't use your efax account" "I didn't use your contact information"etc... are too vivid and it's been my experience with both Batman and Miss C. where there is smoke tehre is fire! So far - I've caught in her TWO MAJOR lies - plus found her in my room - "using the mirror" - she has boys over without asking or giving me a heads up - so I sit there on the sofa in my pajamas completely surprised - doesnt do dishes - leave the bathroom a freaking mess - hasnt unpacked yet - (because NOOOO WHy would I want to be able to sit down on my sofa? I dont want to do that - it's much better to store your UGG boots there!) - even after I asked her too - asked me to NOT cash her check until october 6th (Rent is due on the 1st) - just all these things which would be ok - if she didnt f-ing LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'm super proud of myself for standing my ground - and having enough respect for myself to say "I'm not going to tolerate it!"

But - to end this journal on a happy note - Nancy gave me "goods" on PETITE ALLEGRO! THAT NEVER HAPPPENS! so yay happy ballet class.

And = I've discovered the glory of the egg white omelette - and thank my friends for sharing awesome omelette recipes with me!

liar liar pants on fire.

I need to find a happy thought after the last 8 hours of the day ----

Took one of those AWFUL acting classes where everyone jsut cries for six hours - and well - i went in happy - I didnt want to cry.  I had to think of a relationship I tried to save - obviously I used Batman - but I'm so over it - it evoked almost no emotion.  The only emotion was egad was I stupid - this is really funny in retrospect.  I was chastized though for not digging deep enough to the pain.  Personally - I think NOT feeling the pain is a great personal accomplishment.  but six hours - EEEESH - of being in a room where people are screaming and crying and bawling and moaning I LOVE YOU and FORGIVE ME and COME BACK - puts you in an unDisney like state.  Even Sierra videos arent doing it for me.

THen I came home to find my new roomie had USED MY COMPUTER WITHOUT ASKING - and - had logged me out of all my applications like facebook and logged herself in WITHOUT ASKING...which is SUPER bizarre since she has a computer of her own!  Another smaller macbook.  WTF.  Then when I asked her about it - SHE LIED!!!!!  Something like this:

I asked her - did you use my computer? And she said no. And I asked - then why is facebook logged in as you? She said "Oh well I used it briefly a few days ago" me: "but - why is it logging now - and the last instant message says it was sent 2 minutes ago?" Her: That's weird. I don't know why. Me: and why when I go to refresh is it still logged in as you. i used it at 6 p.m. so if you used it a few days ago it should still be logged in as me." Her" That's weird. Me: (going to the 8 different facebook pages I have open) - look - when I hit refresh it goes to you homepage - it wasn't doing that at 6 p.m. Her: I don't know. Me: look - message to so and so - sent at 1:03 am --- 1:01 a.m 12:55 a.m. Her "Alright I did use it tonight. Me: Why did you LIE to me about it when I asked? Her: I don't know - I only used it for a second - Me: You used it for twenty minutes!!!!!!! Her: I don't know --- I didnt realize I used it for twenty minutes.  Me: but why did you lie?  Her:  I didnt realize I used you so recently - Me: alright - but why did you lie that's kinda sketchy her: I'm sorry I didnt know Me: skeptical confused look Her: how was your day?  Me:  Ok - I took an awful acting class and had ballet --- came home and used facebook - by the way - you need to do your dishes - there are dishes still in there that were there when I came back from England.  her:  Oh - I just leave them in there to soak.  Me: Yes - but you see - when you leave them in there we get bugs - Her: oh - but they need to soak Me: alright but some have been in there for a week, if you just rinse them off right away they dont need to soak, and nothing needs to soak for a week.  her:  oh ok - I'm sorry. Me: My friend is texting me about the Twillight movie - (then to avoid crying or punching exited into my room.)

And I mean - I think the problem isnt the LENGTH of time or WHEN she did it - but that she DID - AT ALL!

WORST OF ALL SHE LIED!  I have not felt so betrayed since ------- BATMAN.  and - whilst it is a SMALL thing to lie about - I have had serious trust issues since batman - so ANYTHING is a problem - but especially someone I'm living with to lie to blatantly to my face - how do I know what ELSE she is lying about?  Will lie about?  I can't truth her with my things - or anything.  I want to kick her out right now.  that is truly unexcusable in my book.  I've dealt with Chloe and batman and that is enough lying for me.  DO NOT LIE TO ME!!!!!!!  My white knight - Austin - said he learned thebest way to deal with people in ALL situations is to be straight forward - he is SOOOO correct!  I still remember the moment when he first started coaching me on seagulls - when he said he would meet me on Sunday at 5 - and he was THERE - and I was shocked because I was so used to Batman saying something then not following through.  It was the first time I realized how I had come to not believe what people said - and that I should because there are good people like Austin around.  Dammit - I should have just let sean stay here for no money instead of dealing with this shit.  yes - I cursed.  I'm ANGRY.

But nancy was LOVELY in ballet - and I get to be Ariel tomorrow so all is good if I can get to sleep.

yesterday

Yesterday I took tap with one of the Ariel understudies - and heck - surprisingly think I could tap as well as she!  She was super sweet and fun!:)

And the lead in Pinafore told me my voice was beautiful!:)  How strange ----- how strange indeed ---

I will actually write about my trip to England and France as soon as I have a moment to breath.