June - you are weird!

June has been a bizarre month thus far.  It's been filled with a lot of hope - the results of which are yet to come to fruition - and a lot of encounters with reality - and a lot "I need to move ons."  The result of which is me feeling rather lonely and lost on a Saturday night.

There is a lot of hope for magical phone calls and e-mails, but thus far none have come.  And they won't come at 2:16 a.m. on an Saturday night/Sunday morning.

My amazing "Parallel career" looks like it might not be so AMAZING - which is rather disappointing.  Skeevey bosses who take more than 4/5 of the tour income from the guides while complaining how the business doesn't make money (I"m sorry - you make over $1000 a DAY AFTER paying your guides - and you do next to NOTHING except MAYBE answering a few phones and send some e-mails - how does that NOT MAKE MONEY?)  7000 a week on a SLOW week = 364000 a YEAR!  You CANT tell me you are LOSING money on that!  If that's the case - you need to SERIOUSLY rethink your business plan!  And  - I wish he sold what he says he sells - instead of "bending the truth."  It makes me sad.  Other companies are probably even worse.  At least he pays $75 for 90 minutes, other companies pay $12 an hour.  SHeeeeeesh.  Someone - please help me figure out how to make enough money to be happy - but still be able to perform.  Please.  Or just HIRE to me to perform.  I'm really good.  And I'm a triple threat.  My phone should be ringing off the hook!  PLEASE RING DAMN PHONE!  (OR DING E-MAIL BOX!)

Two weeks ago I broke up with a boy who I had been MAYBE nebulously seeing for 6 months.  It was a weird awkward relationship - but in the absence of Kat and Cara and Reinking and most of my friends, he became my best immediately present friend. But was a HORRIBLE boyfriend.  HORRIBLE.  And I couldn't' take it!  I guess I've always dreamed that my boyfriend would take me out to dinner at least ONCE and pay.     Or think of something fun to do - INITIATE a date of ANY KIND - a walk in the park, invite me to a party, take me to a show, go to a comedy club, go canning in central park, walk across the freaking Brooklyn Bridge, ANYTHING, but I had to initiate EVERYTHING - nor did he tell me I was pretty - or attractive- or sexy - or talented - or anything.    Nor did he make SOME sort of gesture that SOMEONE might interpret as somewhat romantic - at all.  This had none of that.  He was awkward and treated people similar to how he treated computers - and as a result lacked the romance and magic I want.  During our break-up - we decided we were better as friends.  His reasoning for not giving me romance was that every girl he HAD given romance to left him and never spoke to him again.  I told him that was ridiculous and I wouldn't do that, but he said he wouldn't give me romance and we should be friends, I said that was fine.  THen he promptly blocked me from everything.  So - er - I guess the reason none of the girls ever spoke to him again was because he blocked them?  At any rate, it just makes me really sad to have lost a friend as well.  And oddly, the only person who seemed to be around for me to cry to was Fat Conductor Man. I sat on his sofa as he made me pasta and I cried.  If someone had been observing they would have found this to be a VERY odd sight indeed.

Of course my old management company decides to bust out its debt collectors as well.  Just making it super fun!

And why won't anyone hire me for anything other than 9-5 jobs?  I keep applying to these jobs saying in my cover letter - can't work 9-5 Mon-Friday  Looking for weekend or evening work.  I'll even APPLY to the VERY SPECIFIC evening/weekend job - but what do I get back?  A letter with SOME excuse for why that job is no longer available, but they'd LOVE to have me in this OTHER position 9-5 Monday -Friday.  REALLY?  THERE IS NOTHING ANYWHERE OTHER THAN WAITRESSING THAT IS NOT 9-5 MONDAY-FRIDAY AND UNFLEXIBLE and AVAILABLE.  This is ridiculous.

RING PHONE RING!

Waiting for magical phone calls once more

When I'm waiting for magical phone calls I can't sleep.  And I can't wake up.  And I can't really focus on much else.  I TRY - but I fail.  I'm waiting for so many different kinds of magical phone calls at the moment I can't keep them straight.  Day Job, Real People Jobs, "Magical" jobs - COME ON SOMEBODY CALL ME! (Or e-mail - your choice!)

And while I APPRECIATE people texting and calling to remind me of dentist appointments or asking me to sign them up for an audition at AEA - all I really want is a JOB!  OF SOME SORT!  APPLE retail to the Bway - right now - I need a lifeboat!   HOJOTOHO HIYA!

Things.

I wish that things would always work out!  Auditions, jobs, relationships.  It just sucks when they don't.  When they DO - there is happiness and glitter and celebrations!  When they don't - there is just this bag of mixed every changing emotions where you stomach used to be, and it makes it hard to be a functional human being that people like being around.  Good thing I have such awesome tolerant friends!

Re: relationship - the thing making me lose sleep - I miss all the things that were good and comfortable. Naturally the moment I broke it off THAT's all I could remember - not the frustrating parts.  Emotions suck.  I wish these things were easy.  I hear stories of true love, where people bring out the best in each other and glow when they see one another, they encourage and support one another and make life monumentally better.  I see them doing super sweet nice things for one another and working together as a team and building upon each other's ideas!  I even see my own brother capable of doing this!  And yet I, in my ENTIRE LIFE, have never been able to make this happen.  I don't know if it's the fact I work in theatre, or my "passions" are strange (HEY! I LIKE HOCKEY!), or that there is something fundamentally wrong with me - incapable of being in a functional relationship - and it seems like a cruel joke that I believe so strongly in fairy tales and live in this operatic Shakespearean fantasy, yet in real life, have never experienced love or a functional relationship.

BUT - I have experienced a lot of other SUPREMELY wonderful things.  I've seen great astronomical events with a NASA scientist, I've worked as an equity actor, I assistant directed for my hero of heroes, I worked with the RSC, I shook hands with Salman Rushdie, traveled Europe, had a great education, been on a t.v. set, pet a giraffe, gone to a Broadway opening night part for a SHOW I WORKED ON, won a haiku contest, directed many plays, figure skated and drove a zamboni, been a news correspondent at the Olympics (Figure skating specialist), seen the Daily Show get filmed, Seen Niagra Falls, gone to the beach, laughed with amazing friends, and much more that I'm sure I could remember were I not so tired.  I've had so much magic for which I'm thankful for.  So many things that HAVE worked out.   I know life is a mix of good and bad, and I just hope I have more good than bad and that I know it!

And that one day --- I might find --- "the one."

YAY sappy love entry.

The End.

Real People Days

Today I passed my tour guide licensing exam (Which was the MOST ridiculous needlessly difficult impossible to study for exam on the history of the planet, I think it MIGHT top my senior year economics class of UM in needlessly difficult!), point being I can now apply for tour guide jobs throughout the city!  HOOOOORAH!  REAL PEOPLE THINGS!

I also taught a pay what you can pilates class and made $40  - which I consider an accomplishment!

And made a "real blog" post (over at my other "professional" blog.)

Got my logos for my dog walking business - so I can now design my website!

AND tomorrow I shall monitor then watch Venus transit in front of the sun!  WOOOOHOOOO!

Being a real person is hard!  BUt I'm glad I've found a series of things I actually really enjoy DOING!  I love interacting with people and helping people learn and being on my feet interacting.  Hopefully I can make this all work!

June!

May was a marathon!  Studying for tour guiding, trying to put together a VERY small dog walking company, working/training as an AEA monitor, auditioning, and doing La Traviata and Pinafore in Rep.!   I'm surprised I found any time to sleep!  I'm glad it's June and looking forward to summer adventures!