Dear Boys:
If you take a girl out on a first date here is a list of don'ts. (And this isn't that COY list of don't from"People Will Say We're in Love" from the Bway musical Oklahoma. NO! This is a REAL list of don'ts.) This is comprised by several of my friends and myself.
Do not - wear a costume. Even I find this weird.
Do not leave every fifteen minutes to smoke a cigarette when your date is a non-smoker.
Do not introduce yourself then exclaim that your job is being laid off.
Do not go dutch then ask your date to home with you half way through the meal.
Do not say you want to feed her ice cream and lick her between bites.
Do not re-enact every play you did in college - the anecdotes really aren't that funny.
Do not pretend to be a good pool player and then actually suck worse than your date. (Trust me - lining the balls up with the cue stick and then missing every time does not make you look cool.)
Do not introduce them to your crazy 60 year old friend named RL (which stands for Raving Lunatic) who tries to convince them the world should be taken over by water beetles.
Do not tell them you are waiting for something better to come along.
Don't tell them Kenneth Branagh is your favorite actor - and you love the Harry Potter movies - but didn't know Kenneth Branagh was IN a Harry Potter movie. We just think you are lame when you say that.
Do not take them to your office after hours. It really isn't romantic if the DATE doesnt work there.
Do not talk in a fake Irish accent.
Do not think we are bilingual if we say "Merci Beaucoup." (And really - do you not KNOW merci beaucoup. How do you not KNOW Merci Beaucoup? GO! STOP READING THIS LIST AND LEARN WHAT MERCI BEAUCOUP MEANS!)
Don't grab their armpit to demonstrate the pain that the Stewart in Macbeth might have felt when he died.
Don't ask "really" when they say they don't want to go home with you.
Don't keep asking them if they speak Syrian and introducing them to your Syrian friends in hope they will bond.
Do not talk about superheroes.
Do not ask them to go ghost hunting - do not mention ghost hunting at all - if you ghost hunt keep it to yourself.
Don't tell them your salary - especially if it's $50 a day.
Don't ask them to enter the woods with you.
Don't ask them if they want you to teach them how to give (insert sexual act of choice here.) The answer will ALWAYS be no - for EVERY girl!
Don't drop your pants in the middle of the living room while you are watching cartoon together.
Don't try and convince them of the movie GLADIATORs "Kung Fu" scenes 0r historical inaccuracy - especially when the date in question is an expert at Roman history.
Don't tell them Macbeth (the Scottish play) is one of the few Shakespeare plays that has supernatural elements - especially when the date is a Shakespeare expert.
Don't express complete disinterest when the dates talks about --- anything --- but do ask them if they want to go home with you. (Are we noticing a trend here?)
Don't ask them if dancers are better in bed.
Don't text them a love poem. Esp. if the love poem looks something like:
Hai! I Luv u. u so bootyful.
Slang is NOT hot to a girl!
Do not ask singers how "their high notes" are in bed. Not funny.
Don't insult Vampires. We know they are cheesey - but let us have our guilty pleasures. You're the one in a costume asking us to go home with you!
Don't drop the L word - we know you don't love us when you've not seen us yet without makeup and when we're in a bad mood!
AND FOR CRYING OUTLOUD! CANT A GIRL GO ON A FREAKING DATE AND NOT HAVE THE GUY ASK HER TO GO HOME WITH HIM AND THEM GET UPSET WHEN SHE SAYS NO! COME ON!
Now - here is what WOULD be nice...
Wear NORMAL cloths - maybe a step above normal - you know like you actually cared - but cared as though you were living in this century and are not a superhero or the like. Maybe some nice gray, black, or khaki pants - or nice fitted jeans - and a shirt - that brings out your eyes but you are still comfortable in. Take us out to a nice (but reasonable) dinner. A place where the food is nice but not too filling or expensive with flattering lighting. Engage us in lively conversation - express interest in our opinions and ideas - remember things we say. We will do the same for you. ALWAYS say you want dessert. Offer to pay but dont be offended if the girls offers. Ask the girl if she wants to go for a walk or something if the weather is nice. part ways (if it's going well - maybe apeck - one of those - you know you want more but I'll leave you waiting and hoping) - and let us go home - but follow up with a text making sure we got home o.k. DO NOT ASK US IF WE WANT TO GO HOME WITH YOU! IF YOU HAVE TO ASK THE ASNWER IS NO!!!!!!!!!!! If all this goes well - then we can think about the home thing - but master the first date first. Is it really - THAT hard?
I guess so. To Quote Henry V - "it is as easy for me, Kate, to conquer a kingdom as to speak so much French. I shall never move thee in French unless it be to laugh at me."
