9/11 is always a weird date. The world trade centers are always a weird place for me.
My friends always want to go there when they visit, and tour companies always want me to lead tours there.
I always feel awkward because I feel like I'm supposed to feel all these emotions that I just don't feel. I don't well up with tears at the thought of our fallen heroes. I don't swell with hate at our enemies. I don't feel an incredible sense of national pride for how we ROSE ABOVE IT ALL and came out more unified than ever.
I feel like tragedies happen every day - why do we care more about this one than others?
I feel like when we say "never forget" what we mean is "never forget to hate our enemies" of which I believe nothing good will come. (I mean - maybe they don't deserve to be invited over for a potluck dinner, but remembering to hate is just - not a good thing.)
I feel people prove themselves heroic every day - in many ways. And they never get recognition.
And I don't feel we rose above it all. We didn't even initially go after the right people. We injected ourselves with fear - but gave the Bin Ladens diplomatic immunity. Our country is far more divided on issues now than it was 11 years ago. In many ways he was regressed.
Maybe I just feel this way because it was also my dog's birthday.
I also saw how my friends who lived in NYC at the time were effected. It wasn't pretty.
I do send love and healing thoughts into the world, and I respect people's feelings and emotions - whatever they might be.
And I think it bothers me everyone is posting about it on Facebook and crying and sobbing and "remembering." By why feel more pride TODAY than any other day. Shouldn't we ALWAYS love our country? Shouldn't we ALWAYS love our city? Shouldn't we ALWAYS honor EVERY hero?
It reminds me of a passage from Ibsen's BRAND:
It isn't love of pleasure that is destroying us.
It would be better if it were.
Enjoy life if you will.
But be consistent, do it all the time,
Not one thing one day and another the next.
Be wholly what you are, not half and half.
Everyone now is a little of everything.
A little solemn on Sundays, a little respectful
towards tradition; makes love to his wife after Saturday
Supper; because his father did the same.
A little gay at feasts. A little lavish
in giving promises, but niggardly
In fulfilling them; a little of everything;
A little sin, a little virtue;
A little good, a little evil; the one
Destroys the other, and every man is nothing.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
MoMA
Today I went to the MoMA with a new friend - then Loralee made us all macaroni and cheese for dinner and that was super fun. It was a labor day well spent! (PLUS - it helps new friend gets free admission into MoMA and enjoys taking photos of us imitating statues we see int he sculpture garden!)
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Dark River
I haven't posted here for some time, mangily because I've been afraid of what I might post. My mind hasn't exactly been "happy." It's actually been way darker than it's been for a very long time, possibly ever.
It is a feeling a failure. Complete failure at everything.
It is asking, how could I have worked so hard in the past week, been up at 6 a.m. every day, not home until 11 p.m., and still only made $28 for the ENTIRE WEEK. How is it possible to work for five tour guide companies, 1 pilates studio, and actor's equity, and make $28? How is it possible to be applying for jobs every week, both theatre and non-theatre, and have the sum total of my effort be - $28? There are seriously people who beg on the subway that make more money than I do.
It is trying to be thankful that I keep making it so CLOSE to getting theatre work, being overridden by the disappointment of never getting the cigar. And being frustrated that I don't know WHY. Every single bit of feedback I've been receiving is exceedingly positive. Be it my "look," my voice, my acting, my dancing. It's all positive. I can't figure it out. I don't know what I should be doing differently. What I can be doing differently. I take classes, I switched coaches, I tried t.v. and film, I try changing songs in my audition book. Nothing seems to work. It's just a constant feeling of not being enough.
It is the feeling of being sad because all of my friends are away - out of town - very very out of town. It is the frustration of feeling like everyone else is moving on - and I am still in the same spot, despite my efforts to change and grow. It's sitting alone on Friday and Saturdays, not having enough money to see a show or a movie, but having no friends in town aside from creepy guys who want you to keep them company while their wives are away. (WHY ARE GUYS SO CREEPY?) It's wanting to hang out with Kat, Cara, Courtney, Loralee, Jean-Paul, Reinking, anyone - and having them be in Washginton, Guam, California, Baltimore, Chataqua, LA. And while I certainly have lots of fun acquaintances - none of them really are in my "group." None of them are people I feel completely comfortable being ME with - and I just want my friends.
It's feeling like I've completely failed at any attempt at love. And wondering why every guy I date wants "more." Or wants to use me as a "placeholder" until something"better" comes along. And wondering, why am I not ever it?
It's a strange loneliness of every commenting on how happy and smiley I always am, but feeling this very very very dark undercurrent at all times. It's weird at equity to be called an "angel from heaven" and "the girl who makes auditioning a pleasure" and to collect so many guy's phone numbers (Many of whom I later learn ARE MARRIED! GAH!) but to be so confused and lost and frustrated.
I wonder why I've spent days and weeks learning tours that I give once a month. I wonder why I trained in pilates to NEVER be called in to teach. I wonder why I'm a talented "triple threat" who is without work. It's accepting I might have to become - gulp - a waitress - and still try to hold my head up high and smile and know that it's because I am in a completely monogamous and undying love affair with the cruel mistress that is theatre - and I think that the fight for one breath of ecstasy is worth it. And I can't have it any other way - silly silly girl that I am.
And it's being very sad that there was a time I seemed to make all of my wishes come true - and now being frustrated I can't make any of them come true. I can't even make my freaking "wish" to work RETAIL AT APPLE come true. How is that possible?
And yet - every day - I force myself to wake up and go into the fire once more, hoping that it will be the day the magic happens - and a beautiful wish comes true.
It is a feeling a failure. Complete failure at everything.
It is asking, how could I have worked so hard in the past week, been up at 6 a.m. every day, not home until 11 p.m., and still only made $28 for the ENTIRE WEEK. How is it possible to work for five tour guide companies, 1 pilates studio, and actor's equity, and make $28? How is it possible to be applying for jobs every week, both theatre and non-theatre, and have the sum total of my effort be - $28? There are seriously people who beg on the subway that make more money than I do.
It is trying to be thankful that I keep making it so CLOSE to getting theatre work, being overridden by the disappointment of never getting the cigar. And being frustrated that I don't know WHY. Every single bit of feedback I've been receiving is exceedingly positive. Be it my "look," my voice, my acting, my dancing. It's all positive. I can't figure it out. I don't know what I should be doing differently. What I can be doing differently. I take classes, I switched coaches, I tried t.v. and film, I try changing songs in my audition book. Nothing seems to work. It's just a constant feeling of not being enough.
It is the feeling of being sad because all of my friends are away - out of town - very very out of town. It is the frustration of feeling like everyone else is moving on - and I am still in the same spot, despite my efforts to change and grow. It's sitting alone on Friday and Saturdays, not having enough money to see a show or a movie, but having no friends in town aside from creepy guys who want you to keep them company while their wives are away. (WHY ARE GUYS SO CREEPY?) It's wanting to hang out with Kat, Cara, Courtney, Loralee, Jean-Paul, Reinking, anyone - and having them be in Washginton, Guam, California, Baltimore, Chataqua, LA. And while I certainly have lots of fun acquaintances - none of them really are in my "group." None of them are people I feel completely comfortable being ME with - and I just want my friends.
It's feeling like I've completely failed at any attempt at love. And wondering why every guy I date wants "more." Or wants to use me as a "placeholder" until something"better" comes along. And wondering, why am I not ever it?
It's a strange loneliness of every commenting on how happy and smiley I always am, but feeling this very very very dark undercurrent at all times. It's weird at equity to be called an "angel from heaven" and "the girl who makes auditioning a pleasure" and to collect so many guy's phone numbers (Many of whom I later learn ARE MARRIED! GAH!) but to be so confused and lost and frustrated.
I wonder why I've spent days and weeks learning tours that I give once a month. I wonder why I trained in pilates to NEVER be called in to teach. I wonder why I'm a talented "triple threat" who is without work. It's accepting I might have to become - gulp - a waitress - and still try to hold my head up high and smile and know that it's because I am in a completely monogamous and undying love affair with the cruel mistress that is theatre - and I think that the fight for one breath of ecstasy is worth it. And I can't have it any other way - silly silly girl that I am.
And it's being very sad that there was a time I seemed to make all of my wishes come true - and now being frustrated I can't make any of them come true. I can't even make my freaking "wish" to work RETAIL AT APPLE come true. How is that possible?
And yet - every day - I force myself to wake up and go into the fire once more, hoping that it will be the day the magic happens - and a beautiful wish comes true.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Reboot
I'm trying to reboot myself - which is hard to do if you're a human and not a computer. And Life won't let you actually SHUT OFF then turn back on - and take the necessary time you need to do so.
At any rate - basically I have come to realize I will not get work in the chorus of a regional theatre show. Why not? Because there are no union contracts. Which sucks. In fact - last night I was offered a NON-EQUITY contract to perform in the Music Man with the BROTHEr of the dude who sings the role of Gandhi in Satyagraha - but of course I couldn't take it because its FREAKING NONEQUITY! (straight offer - didn't even have to auction - director knows me.) So what I got to do is figure out how to make myself competitive with the girls auditioning for leads. And figure out HOW to audition for leads. It's a very strange process. I've learned a lot of strange things. For starters - my voice is "too good." Or too big. Apparently they want "lighter" soprano. I switched teachers, I didn't feel Mary was giving me what I needed. So I've gone to a new teacher, who actually accompanied to class series I did back in February. He plays many auditions (including Phantom of the Opera) so he knows what's up. He said I was always put in the "maybe" pile - because I walk into the room and have a "quirky ingenue" look, but have this GREAT BIG OPERA VOICE - and the casting directors get confused. He said it was better than the NO pile, but at the end of the day they'll have 15 "yeses" 15 "maybes" and the rest "nos." The maybe's will ultimately end up in the no pile. And the 15 "yeses" get called back. So - we've been working on "speaking" more than singing - and not scaring the poor casting folk in the ittttty bittttty room with my extremely LOUD voice. He also we through my book and got rid of all the songs I should NOT be singing, and gave me "replacement" songs that I should be singing, and roles I should be studying. (Some were from musicals I didn't even realize I should be thinking twice about! Such a Nunsense.) So this is an adventure - I hope it works.
I'm also auditioning for a master class series with a famous Broadway composer. A friend of mine suggested it - and I told her I didn't think I was good enough - it was mostly for Broadway performers (no joke - Tony winners in this class.) She pulled a few strings and got me an audition. I'm petrified but if I DO get in - it will be a remarkable experience!
I'm also taking a film/t.v. commercial class so I can actual make USE of that old SAG-AFTRA card. And I've joined monologue and song peer performance groups where we can try and new material and get feedback. Its actually rather exhausting! But hopefully there will be fabulous pay-offs.
All of this is while I"m trying to figure out how to piece enough jobs together to support myself - which is WAY more challenging than I feel it should be. It's a JUNGLE out there! I real jungle.
Not to mention on a wasted evening or two on bad dates. I give up on that. I'm going to marry a corgi.
At any rate - basically I have come to realize I will not get work in the chorus of a regional theatre show. Why not? Because there are no union contracts. Which sucks. In fact - last night I was offered a NON-EQUITY contract to perform in the Music Man with the BROTHEr of the dude who sings the role of Gandhi in Satyagraha - but of course I couldn't take it because its FREAKING NONEQUITY! (straight offer - didn't even have to auction - director knows me.) So what I got to do is figure out how to make myself competitive with the girls auditioning for leads. And figure out HOW to audition for leads. It's a very strange process. I've learned a lot of strange things. For starters - my voice is "too good." Or too big. Apparently they want "lighter" soprano. I switched teachers, I didn't feel Mary was giving me what I needed. So I've gone to a new teacher, who actually accompanied to class series I did back in February. He plays many auditions (including Phantom of the Opera) so he knows what's up. He said I was always put in the "maybe" pile - because I walk into the room and have a "quirky ingenue" look, but have this GREAT BIG OPERA VOICE - and the casting directors get confused. He said it was better than the NO pile, but at the end of the day they'll have 15 "yeses" 15 "maybes" and the rest "nos." The maybe's will ultimately end up in the no pile. And the 15 "yeses" get called back. So - we've been working on "speaking" more than singing - and not scaring the poor casting folk in the ittttty bittttty room with my extremely LOUD voice. He also we through my book and got rid of all the songs I should NOT be singing, and gave me "replacement" songs that I should be singing, and roles I should be studying. (Some were from musicals I didn't even realize I should be thinking twice about! Such a Nunsense.) So this is an adventure - I hope it works.
I'm also auditioning for a master class series with a famous Broadway composer. A friend of mine suggested it - and I told her I didn't think I was good enough - it was mostly for Broadway performers (no joke - Tony winners in this class.) She pulled a few strings and got me an audition. I'm petrified but if I DO get in - it will be a remarkable experience!
I'm also taking a film/t.v. commercial class so I can actual make USE of that old SAG-AFTRA card. And I've joined monologue and song peer performance groups where we can try and new material and get feedback. Its actually rather exhausting! But hopefully there will be fabulous pay-offs.
All of this is while I"m trying to figure out how to piece enough jobs together to support myself - which is WAY more challenging than I feel it should be. It's a JUNGLE out there! I real jungle.
Not to mention on a wasted evening or two on bad dates. I give up on that. I'm going to marry a corgi.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
June - you are weird!
June has been a bizarre month thus far. It's been filled with a lot of hope - the results of which are yet to come to fruition - and a lot of encounters with reality - and a lot "I need to move ons." The result of which is me feeling rather lonely and lost on a Saturday night.
There is a lot of hope for magical phone calls and e-mails, but thus far none have come. And they won't come at 2:16 a.m. on an Saturday night/Sunday morning.
My amazing "Parallel career" looks like it might not be so AMAZING - which is rather disappointing. Skeevey bosses who take more than 4/5 of the tour income from the guides while complaining how the business doesn't make money (I"m sorry - you make over $1000 a DAY AFTER paying your guides - and you do next to NOTHING except MAYBE answering a few phones and send some e-mails - how does that NOT MAKE MONEY?) 7000 a week on a SLOW week = 364000 a YEAR! You CANT tell me you are LOSING money on that! If that's the case - you need to SERIOUSLY rethink your business plan! And - I wish he sold what he says he sells - instead of "bending the truth." It makes me sad. Other companies are probably even worse. At least he pays $75 for 90 minutes, other companies pay $12 an hour. SHeeeeeesh. Someone - please help me figure out how to make enough money to be happy - but still be able to perform. Please. Or just HIRE to me to perform. I'm really good. And I'm a triple threat. My phone should be ringing off the hook! PLEASE RING DAMN PHONE! (OR DING E-MAIL BOX!)
Two weeks ago I broke up with a boy who I had been MAYBE nebulously seeing for 6 months. It was a weird awkward relationship - but in the absence of Kat and Cara and Reinking and most of my friends, he became my best immediately present friend. But was a HORRIBLE boyfriend. HORRIBLE. And I couldn't' take it! I guess I've always dreamed that my boyfriend would take me out to dinner at least ONCE and pay. Or think of something fun to do - INITIATE a date of ANY KIND - a walk in the park, invite me to a party, take me to a show, go to a comedy club, go canning in central park, walk across the freaking Brooklyn Bridge, ANYTHING, but I had to initiate EVERYTHING - nor did he tell me I was pretty - or attractive- or sexy - or talented - or anything. Nor did he make SOME sort of gesture that SOMEONE might interpret as somewhat romantic - at all. This had none of that. He was awkward and treated people similar to how he treated computers - and as a result lacked the romance and magic I want. During our break-up - we decided we were better as friends. His reasoning for not giving me romance was that every girl he HAD given romance to left him and never spoke to him again. I told him that was ridiculous and I wouldn't do that, but he said he wouldn't give me romance and we should be friends, I said that was fine. THen he promptly blocked me from everything. So - er - I guess the reason none of the girls ever spoke to him again was because he blocked them? At any rate, it just makes me really sad to have lost a friend as well. And oddly, the only person who seemed to be around for me to cry to was Fat Conductor Man. I sat on his sofa as he made me pasta and I cried. If someone had been observing they would have found this to be a VERY odd sight indeed.
Of course my old management company decides to bust out its debt collectors as well. Just making it super fun!
And why won't anyone hire me for anything other than 9-5 jobs? I keep applying to these jobs saying in my cover letter - can't work 9-5 Mon-Friday Looking for weekend or evening work. I'll even APPLY to the VERY SPECIFIC evening/weekend job - but what do I get back? A letter with SOME excuse for why that job is no longer available, but they'd LOVE to have me in this OTHER position 9-5 Monday -Friday. REALLY? THERE IS NOTHING ANYWHERE OTHER THAN WAITRESSING THAT IS NOT 9-5 MONDAY-FRIDAY AND UNFLEXIBLE and AVAILABLE. This is ridiculous.
RING PHONE RING!
There is a lot of hope for magical phone calls and e-mails, but thus far none have come. And they won't come at 2:16 a.m. on an Saturday night/Sunday morning.
My amazing "Parallel career" looks like it might not be so AMAZING - which is rather disappointing. Skeevey bosses who take more than 4/5 of the tour income from the guides while complaining how the business doesn't make money (I"m sorry - you make over $1000 a DAY AFTER paying your guides - and you do next to NOTHING except MAYBE answering a few phones and send some e-mails - how does that NOT MAKE MONEY?) 7000 a week on a SLOW week = 364000 a YEAR! You CANT tell me you are LOSING money on that! If that's the case - you need to SERIOUSLY rethink your business plan! And - I wish he sold what he says he sells - instead of "bending the truth." It makes me sad. Other companies are probably even worse. At least he pays $75 for 90 minutes, other companies pay $12 an hour. SHeeeeeesh. Someone - please help me figure out how to make enough money to be happy - but still be able to perform. Please. Or just HIRE to me to perform. I'm really good. And I'm a triple threat. My phone should be ringing off the hook! PLEASE RING DAMN PHONE! (OR DING E-MAIL BOX!)
Two weeks ago I broke up with a boy who I had been MAYBE nebulously seeing for 6 months. It was a weird awkward relationship - but in the absence of Kat and Cara and Reinking and most of my friends, he became my best immediately present friend. But was a HORRIBLE boyfriend. HORRIBLE. And I couldn't' take it! I guess I've always dreamed that my boyfriend would take me out to dinner at least ONCE and pay. Or think of something fun to do - INITIATE a date of ANY KIND - a walk in the park, invite me to a party, take me to a show, go to a comedy club, go canning in central park, walk across the freaking Brooklyn Bridge, ANYTHING, but I had to initiate EVERYTHING - nor did he tell me I was pretty - or attractive- or sexy - or talented - or anything. Nor did he make SOME sort of gesture that SOMEONE might interpret as somewhat romantic - at all. This had none of that. He was awkward and treated people similar to how he treated computers - and as a result lacked the romance and magic I want. During our break-up - we decided we were better as friends. His reasoning for not giving me romance was that every girl he HAD given romance to left him and never spoke to him again. I told him that was ridiculous and I wouldn't do that, but he said he wouldn't give me romance and we should be friends, I said that was fine. THen he promptly blocked me from everything. So - er - I guess the reason none of the girls ever spoke to him again was because he blocked them? At any rate, it just makes me really sad to have lost a friend as well. And oddly, the only person who seemed to be around for me to cry to was Fat Conductor Man. I sat on his sofa as he made me pasta and I cried. If someone had been observing they would have found this to be a VERY odd sight indeed.
Of course my old management company decides to bust out its debt collectors as well. Just making it super fun!
And why won't anyone hire me for anything other than 9-5 jobs? I keep applying to these jobs saying in my cover letter - can't work 9-5 Mon-Friday Looking for weekend or evening work. I'll even APPLY to the VERY SPECIFIC evening/weekend job - but what do I get back? A letter with SOME excuse for why that job is no longer available, but they'd LOVE to have me in this OTHER position 9-5 Monday -Friday. REALLY? THERE IS NOTHING ANYWHERE OTHER THAN WAITRESSING THAT IS NOT 9-5 MONDAY-FRIDAY AND UNFLEXIBLE and AVAILABLE. This is ridiculous.
RING PHONE RING!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Waiting for magical phone calls once more
When I'm waiting for magical phone calls I can't sleep. And I can't wake up. And I can't really focus on much else. I TRY - but I fail. I'm waiting for so many different kinds of magical phone calls at the moment I can't keep them straight. Day Job, Real People Jobs, "Magical" jobs - COME ON SOMEBODY CALL ME! (Or e-mail - your choice!)
And while I APPRECIATE people texting and calling to remind me of dentist appointments or asking me to sign them up for an audition at AEA - all I really want is a JOB! OF SOME SORT! APPLE retail to the Bway - right now - I need a lifeboat! HOJOTOHO HIYA!
And while I APPRECIATE people texting and calling to remind me of dentist appointments or asking me to sign them up for an audition at AEA - all I really want is a JOB! OF SOME SORT! APPLE retail to the Bway - right now - I need a lifeboat! HOJOTOHO HIYA!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Things.
I wish that things would always work out! Auditions, jobs, relationships. It just sucks when they don't. When they DO - there is happiness and glitter and celebrations! When they don't - there is just this bag of mixed every changing emotions where you stomach used to be, and it makes it hard to be a functional human being that people like being around. Good thing I have such awesome tolerant friends!
Re: relationship - the thing making me lose sleep - I miss all the things that were good and comfortable. Naturally the moment I broke it off THAT's all I could remember - not the frustrating parts. Emotions suck. I wish these things were easy. I hear stories of true love, where people bring out the best in each other and glow when they see one another, they encourage and support one another and make life monumentally better. I see them doing super sweet nice things for one another and working together as a team and building upon each other's ideas! I even see my own brother capable of doing this! And yet I, in my ENTIRE LIFE, have never been able to make this happen. I don't know if it's the fact I work in theatre, or my "passions" are strange (HEY! I LIKE HOCKEY!), or that there is something fundamentally wrong with me - incapable of being in a functional relationship - and it seems like a cruel joke that I believe so strongly in fairy tales and live in this operatic Shakespearean fantasy, yet in real life, have never experienced love or a functional relationship.
BUT - I have experienced a lot of other SUPREMELY wonderful things. I've seen great astronomical events with a NASA scientist, I've worked as an equity actor, I assistant directed for my hero of heroes, I worked with the RSC, I shook hands with Salman Rushdie, traveled Europe, had a great education, been on a t.v. set, pet a giraffe, gone to a Broadway opening night part for a SHOW I WORKED ON, won a haiku contest, directed many plays, figure skated and drove a zamboni, been a news correspondent at the Olympics (Figure skating specialist), seen the Daily Show get filmed, Seen Niagra Falls, gone to the beach, laughed with amazing friends, and much more that I'm sure I could remember were I not so tired. I've had so much magic for which I'm thankful for. So many things that HAVE worked out. I know life is a mix of good and bad, and I just hope I have more good than bad and that I know it!
And that one day --- I might find --- "the one."
YAY sappy love entry.
The End.
Re: relationship - the thing making me lose sleep - I miss all the things that were good and comfortable. Naturally the moment I broke it off THAT's all I could remember - not the frustrating parts. Emotions suck. I wish these things were easy. I hear stories of true love, where people bring out the best in each other and glow when they see one another, they encourage and support one another and make life monumentally better. I see them doing super sweet nice things for one another and working together as a team and building upon each other's ideas! I even see my own brother capable of doing this! And yet I, in my ENTIRE LIFE, have never been able to make this happen. I don't know if it's the fact I work in theatre, or my "passions" are strange (HEY! I LIKE HOCKEY!), or that there is something fundamentally wrong with me - incapable of being in a functional relationship - and it seems like a cruel joke that I believe so strongly in fairy tales and live in this operatic Shakespearean fantasy, yet in real life, have never experienced love or a functional relationship.
BUT - I have experienced a lot of other SUPREMELY wonderful things. I've seen great astronomical events with a NASA scientist, I've worked as an equity actor, I assistant directed for my hero of heroes, I worked with the RSC, I shook hands with Salman Rushdie, traveled Europe, had a great education, been on a t.v. set, pet a giraffe, gone to a Broadway opening night part for a SHOW I WORKED ON, won a haiku contest, directed many plays, figure skated and drove a zamboni, been a news correspondent at the Olympics (Figure skating specialist), seen the Daily Show get filmed, Seen Niagra Falls, gone to the beach, laughed with amazing friends, and much more that I'm sure I could remember were I not so tired. I've had so much magic for which I'm thankful for. So many things that HAVE worked out. I know life is a mix of good and bad, and I just hope I have more good than bad and that I know it!
And that one day --- I might find --- "the one."
YAY sappy love entry.
The End.
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