2009-2010

Wow - a year has gone by. In some ways it feels like a millenium and in some ways it feels like a single heartbeat. It has been a crazy year of growth full of highs and low, and many lessons learned from several amazing teachers - many journeys both physical and emotional - and many new friends made along the way.

There is a song in RENT called 525600 minutes - that asks the audience how does one measure a year. Of course - chronologically, it is easy to measure a year - but to measure the actual VALUE of a year - that is more difficult.

This is the year of Mermaid. All of the wonderful things that a little Disney mermaid taught me and gave me. It is a year where I found my (very soprano) voice. A year where I improved my dancing monumentally. Where I learned how much I can manipulate my physical appearance. A year where I took a few steps (albeit they small ones) towards getting a job that may one day because sustaining and/or a backup plan. (Yay party planning?) It is a year where I learned how to sort through friends - and keep the valuable ones, and treasure them, and do everything possible to be the best friend to them I can be. There is a line All's Well That Ends Well... Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none. - I think that about sums it up for me. It was a year od facing fears and overcoming them. A year of cheesy teen movies and home made cookies. A year of reuniting with intelligent witty lovely people and family. A year of random facts and bizarre books, exciting Broadway shows, board games, welcoming a friends first baby into the world. seeing a friend open in her THIRD Broadway show, a year of me actually performing, a year of me learning it is o.k. for me to be myself and that myself is enough, no need to put on facades, a year of seeing Sam Trouters in Julius Caesar, and a year of idea seed being planted. Next year - they will have to grow.

for 2010 - I want to book a theatre job! Just book it!

I want to be in the best physical condition of my life thus far.

I want to acutally make the things I say I want to do come to fruition (youtube video about evil ballet shoe anyone? Showcase for agents?)

I want to meet my boyfriend.

I want to be more relaxed about "going with the flow" of things

I want to explore - actually visit the people I say I'm gonna visit - and experience the world more fully. (Evan, Mo...)

I want to read more.

I want to see more live shows.

I want to keep the apartment beautiful - like an adult.

I want to become financially independent - (BOOK IT THEATRE JOBS! BOOK IT!)

I want to be a good friend to those I know and care about, and family member to my family.

I want to love everything I do, always look on the bright side of life, and search for the ridiculous in everything for I will surely find it.

2009 - Thank you for all you have to offer - all the lessons - all the gifts - all the friends!

2010 - Let's make this the best year thus far and ring in the New Year with a smile!

CHRISTMAS EVE!

You have to love Christmas Eve and Christmas Eve day - the last minute shopping - (and GROCERY SHOPPING - bizarrely one of my favorite activities in the world) - baking - and Christmas wrapping. Truly, I love Christmas Eve more than just about any other day. The excited happy anticipation of what the morrow will hold - presents, family, family's reaction to the presents you got them, the FOOD, the tree getting so much attention (I FINALLY put up the final candy canes), if you do venture out to - oh say - the beach - everyone saying MERRY CHRISTMAS or HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Christmas - there is a sadness, you know the moments are all fleeting, but Christmas EVE - you know they are still to come! This year was extra special because my dad made Beef Wellington - Yum-o! It was like having a Christmas dinner BEFORE Christmas dinner!

Who knows where this Christmas will rank on the overall scheme of Christmases. But I know I'm happy - I made my mint chip cookies (See previous entry) and have another bag of mint chips to make ANOTHER BATCH! OH BOY! OH BOY! And Traditional Christmas Sugar Cookies. AND - I'm taking on a relatively behemoth project of baking a maple walnut cake with maple cream cheese frosting. It smells delicious thus far, but who knows about the final result! I do wait with baited breath --- baited mainly to stop myself from smelling the cakes and eating them all now - before they are frosted!

Well - msnbc.coms Santa tracker says that Santa is right over my head - so I suppose I should go to bed. But I wanted to write about the glory that is Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas to one and all!:)

Mint Cookies

I love Mint Cookies. We make them every Christmas (since I was in 4th grade) - and it reminds me of everything that is good and happy!

I made them tonight - and ate two of them - and happiness abounded everywhere. So delicious. I wanted to share the recipe with anyone who might read.

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups sugar divided
3/4 cups vegetable oil
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 10 ounce package of Nestles toll house mint morsels

Combine flour, baking powder, and salt - set aside.

Mix 1 cup sugar, veg oil, beaten eggs, vanilla.
Gradually beat in flour mixture
Stir in mint chips.
Shape into balls using rounded teaspoons full of dough.
Roll in remaining 1/4 cup sugar and place on ungreased cookie sheet.
Baked at 350 for 8-10 minutes.
Cool completely on wire racks.

Please make them and enjoy! (AND - if you read this and happen to be allergic to dairy - may I suggest making them without chips (or with chips you can eat) and mint extract to get the minty deliciousness!

SNOW!

My flight was delayed for a "blizzard" which - in NYC - is better described as a light covering of snow - but apparently in DC is was a full out blizzard. I was bummed I couldn't go home, but it was also a nice opportunity to take some more dance classes!:) And in the process - I was asked by one of the teachers (Jeff) to dance with his "company"*** at Easter.

*** company is a term used VERY light loosely - it's really a group of dancers he likes that he asks to dance at homeless shelters on holidays and give those less fortunate a better day than they would have otherwise had. Occasionally he choreographs shows, but you have to audition properly for them, and he is not the only say in the casting.

Anyhow, New York was hysterical yesterday. You would have thought there was a hurricane or something. Fairway actually had employees directing traffic within the store, and shelves were empty from people panicking and grabbing food. Classes were cancelled (Fortunately - with the exception of Patti) all of my teachers braved the --- "storm" - and fun dancing was had for all.

I had a heart to heart with Jana - who told me the only reason she had never asked me to dance with her company was because she thought I didn't want to - but I was more than welcome to. Haha! All that worry for nothing. She also gave me insight about how to dress etc...for auditions. I'm a work in progress as always.

Anyhow - I need to go to bed - so I can go to the magical land of Christmas in Florida! And bake MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!

reuniting...

I've been reuniting with old friends - and it's been - comforting - lunch with Gina today, dinner with Mark visiting from Orlando last night (He paid for dinner! Amazing),and e-mailing Evan.

I've also been watching a lot of GLEE (as Gina says - Lea Michel's voice is like auditory crack) - working a lot - and being utterly knackered - trying to get my "in shape" body back after Pinafore, making a video for youtube based on Kat's 12 Days of Christmas. I'd like to do some other more intelligent Shakespeare educational youtube videos, but this is a relatively simple low stakes foray into the world on video editing. Who knows what will actually happen, but whilst not being seen at auditions, may as well be productive in other venues.

Looking forward to Christmas! And Mint Cookies!

???

Today Kat got a Job, Cara basically got a job, and Reinking decided she is definitely going to London.

Why do I suck.

Oh - and PS - went to the audition this morning - GUESS WHAT! I WASN'T SEEN! IEJfnCoub892P579235bc798234bcP#89RU#;IJEF

x-mas c.d.

THE CHRISTMAS CD IS RECORDED! HOOOORAY! It is a small victory - but it is an idea I had - that I said I was gonna do - that I actually did! HIP HIP HOORAY!

There is another Yeston Phantom auditioning tomorrow - it's equity - it's a one day EPA - I'm having a hard time convincing myself it's worth waking up for. I was barely seen at a three day non-equity EPA - sigh

And all I REALLY want to do - is eat mint chocolate chip cookies - fortunatley for me - mint chocolate chips are hard to find in NYC - I've yet to do it.

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about this getting seen conundrum. I've been harping on it for over a year - and no solution has arrived...I suppose lots of mailings - submitting myself - being amazing when I am seen - I don't know - I'm usually quite good at cracking these sorts of cases --- there must be an answer - I'm just not seeing it - I wonder what is blocking the way...

hugs and more...

Well I DID get the same hugging reception from Trevor as I did from Josh. All of my fears were but shadows and dust - Trevor does indeed love me - and explained the lack of correspondence and why I wasn't the best choice for A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC, etc... and I felt a lot better. The most ridiculous part was - I was actually standing outside the theatre CRYING before the show...silly...

Troughton, Trevor, Marcia, Josh, Andrew, JLF, Ellie, I still am part of their world. There was no shunning, no hating, no failing, just my own nightmares which I gave too much credit to - all silliness - but no more running - only reaching my full potential.

Some friends and I are recording our Christmas c.d. tomorrow!

I was actually seen at a singing audition! I was kept to dance - but SURPRISE! Was then immediately cut. Totally bizarre since everyone was a hot mess - being SINGERS - Kat went to the dance call and was kept - said they kept all people 5'2 and under - they are apparently casting the "kitten" in CATS - but who knows - one day - I'll crack this dance audition curse which seems to befuddle - everyone but the casting people...hrmmmmm...

Finally saw Twilight - what a ridiculously beautiful cast they have.

Have TWO princess gigs this weekend - yeah - I'm just rolling in the dough - lol. (I wish!)

Now - tis time for someone to hire me to do what I do REALLY well!:)

EVERYTHING WAS RAGTIME!

Yesterday - I was gang groped by four inebriated fat British men at the Pinafore cast party - only to NOT BE RESCUED - but groped by the guy who asked me out on a date - who kept saying "you're coming home with me tonight right" as he inappropriately grinded against me - I decided A) he just lost all chances of me actually going on a date with him and B) it was time to leave ASAP - as I put my coat on - I noticed one of the few people I liked in the cast was on the ground with one of the drunk british men on top of her - he had lost the ability to stand due to too much alochol - fallen over - knocked her down - and in the process of the fall - she banged her head on the food table - she ended up going to the ER and being fine - but EGAD! What an obnoxious group of old british men!

TODAY ---- I faced one of my fears! I went to RAGTIME! And it was ASTOUNDING! It was everything one could hope for in a show and more! Everyone should go see it IMMEDIATELY! I saw Josh in the audience - (he is in the show - but also acting as dance captain and associate director so he swung himself out to take notes) - and he came running up to me and gave me a HUGE hug - and I realized my fears were silly! Josh - and Marcia - and the entire professional theatre world hadn't shunned me! He welcomed me we open arms and we are going to get together and catch up properly over lunch or coffee! (Josh - FYI - is the person responsible for me meeting Austin...haha...but I've also AD-ed him as well as the director of Ragtime - both wonderful talented people who deserve nothing but the best in life!) Anyway - I'm glad I face my fear - and saw a fabulous fabulous show!

Next up - Trevor's show on Wednesday - I do not expect the same warm greeting - but it is something I needs must do...

oh geez

Oh geeez - so many shows I have to see in the next two weeks!! So little time! So little money!

Ragtime

night Music

Les Contes d'Hoffman

Nutcracker (with cara in it)

The Globe's Love's Labours Lost

Met's Mock Audition Panel

I give up all chance of seeing HAMLET

Facing fears

I have a fear that I am a failure - and all of these people I have been avoiding are merely evidence of that. Kristen, Trevor, Marcia, Josh...all people who I worked with when I was on track to be the greatest director ever - before getting lost, or side tracked, or failing, or whatever happened.

Well - this Sunday I am facing my fears --- I going to see their shows - and hopefully them (assuming I decide Nigh Music is worth the necessary $137 to spend.)

It scares me, but it's time I face my fears. I don't belong buffing floors at Steps and entertaining 4 year olds in knock off Disney costumes. I BELONG on Broadway. I BELONG in the professional theatre world - whether it's director or performing - it's where I belong. It's where I have always belonged. The only thing keeping me is fear and insecurity - and that needs to end ... now.

And now - I'd like to share Ariel's first lyrics in the Broadway LITTLE MERMAID:

This is where I belong
Beneath the clear wide blue here!
I feel completely new here in the world above!
It’s like my life was wrong
And somehow, now, at last I’m in
My own skin
Up here in the world above!

There’s so much light here
Light and space!
The sun’s so bright here
Upon my face!
It feels so right here
Warm as love...
Life seems to be
Almost calling to me
From this strange new world above!

back to NYC

First of all, what is with people on airplanes busting out three course meals? This one today isn’t SOOOO bad because it isn’t so smelly –but normally – eeeeesh! So bizarre to me –I feel bad for eating a sandwich! They bring out a freaking platter with turkey, potatoes, vegetables, coleslaw, salad, and bread!

Secondly, what is up with all the people against gay marriage? The one argument in the senate AGAINST gay marriage in NY was that it isn’t respecting religions where gay marriage is frowned upon. Aren’t we a free nation without a national religion? And weren’t we founded to free to practice whatever religion we chose HOW we chose? What about religions where gay marriage is allowed? What if someone just created one where everyone had to be gay and married? And who does it really hurt? This has got to be one of the stupidest internal debates the US has ever been involved in – and is a true testament to how ignorant, stubborn, and ridiculous so many people are. Whether gay people get married has ZERO impact on my life –or anyone else’s apart from theirs – so let them be. Don’t be lame people.

Well - I’m writing this on the plane on my way back to NYC. Ready to meet my new roommate – hope she is cool and we have lots of fun living together – and that we are able to help, support, and push one another to be the best that we can possibly be.

It’s always hard to leave home – sunshine – food – SPACE – relaxation – but it’s also always good to get back to my environment where I can make things happen. There is so much I want to do – but right now – I feel like I’m at an aquarium – and all the things I want to do are on the other side of the glass – how to get over?

At least I feel I’m getting back into physical shape – 10 days and almost chocolate free! (only chocolate was in the chips of mint chip ice cream!:))

And now – because I feel it’s an obligation - some memorable moments of being home since I last wrote:

-Watching the Michael Jackson movie with Meaghan, Ryan, and Lauren. I resisted seeing it – but it was a really interesting insight into Michael Jackson’s creative process and an opportunity to see 11 of the most amazing dancers I have ever seen! They personified “FIERCE.”

-Brunch with DSOA people – a Thanksgiving leftover party where I got to meet my friend Gina’s baby – Finn. I’m slightly disturbed that I wanted to treat him like a ROO – not a baby – but what can do. He was actually cute and managed to bring out a rare bit of maternal instinct in me.

-Sitting in Morgan’s dad’s tiki hut – and catching up with her – evidence that some people will always be there – no matter what the distance or how long time passes between talks.:)

-Discussing A DOLL’S HOUSE with my mom – it’s always nice to intelligently discuss theatre.

-Eating leftover turkey sandwiches – gotta love a brined perfectly smoked turkey!:)

-Realizing that one can have too much twinkle in their front lawn – or at lease too much for one outlet to handle.

-FINALLY GETTING A ROOMMATE! (Despite not being in NYC or meeting her – but the amazing Kat doing everything in my stead! Some friends are just ridiculous.)

-Being weirdly interested in the Tiger Woods scandal. I remember last year it was Bernie Madoff…quite a flip side of the coin! (and how interesting is it that 80% of people (according to a poll on NBC) are able to forgive Tiger and not let it diminish their opinion of him – but politicians are ruined – what does this say about society? I just find it intriguing…

The cheesy Thanksgiving entry...

Things I am thankful for:

My dad who will spend all day smoking a turkey!

My mom who will use her free vacation to take me to see Sam Troughton.

My brother - who my parents always said I would one day be thankful for - surprise - they were right.

All of my teachers.

All of my friends.

My many talents - which I am still honing - but will one earn me a living!:)

Ice cream and it's infinite deliciousness.

Disney - and all of it's happiness.

Shakespeare - and it's infinite depth - how you can return to every play over and over and discover new aspects and meaning and ways of understanding the characters.

Corgis - every time I see one I get happy.

Space Heaters - and air conditioners - depending on the season.

My health - (touch wood.)

My anorexic arms.

Cartoons and comics - which make us laugh.

Outdoor swimming pools.

iPhones and computers which link us instantaneously to knowledge.

Music.

Apple and pumpkin butter.

Olympic games which show us how amazing humans can be.

For epic movies like Gladiator and Ben-Hur.

Comforters to cuddle up in.

All the performance opportunities I've been given.

All the directing opportunities I've been given.

My education (which I'm finding a surprisingly rare commodity.)

- and on the opposite end of the spectrum - Hugh Jackman looking positively dashing in the movie AUSTRALIA on t.v. right now.

These were listed in no particular order and is by no means a complete list, but it's Thanksgiving, so I thought it seemed appropriate to make a list of gratitudes!:)

My name

I always thought I was the only one in the world with my name - but noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo - 11 years after me - another me was born - and now - she is showing up in google searches and facebook searches - and it makes me mad... I was always like tigger - the only one -grrrrrrrrrr! I'll just have to get super famous so the other me disappears into oblivion - and I shall reign the google SUPREME! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

FL

Wow - I am very fortunate to have so many great friends in Florida - but it is a bit overwhelming as well. I get off the plane and I already have messages from people wanting to meet up! ACK! I hope I can fit everyone in - and still relax! Everyone wants to take me to rocking clubs in Miami - I don't really like clubs - rocking or otherwise - anywhere - so hopefully I'll manage to convince them to do otherwise... I didn't even bring home clubbing cloths - lol! (Do I OWN clubbing cloths?)

My mom made her famous hockey puck burgers - which I love! Hoooooray!

TOmorrow - SWIMMING! OUTDOORS! Theoretically in SUNLIGHT!

I also got a "real" blog idea - since everyone keeps asking me for dance class advice - I thought I should make a website or blog about the various dance class in NYC -which ones are TRULY beginning appropriate and which are uber advanced classes in disguise - Like Yoda's begining class - which - is actually identical to his "advanced professional" level class. It won't so much be a this class is good and this class sucks site - but more of a "the is what you will get out of this class" so you really highlight the benefits of each class. I.e Yoda's class is excellent for a very advanced dancer with strong technique who wants to get "over their leg" and "square off" and/or work independently on a certain problem area for them. The class combinations themselves are more basic and slower than some other advanced professional classes, but many of the dancers in the class are the best in the world, and will be executing them with excellence, so an intermediate level dancer may easily get intimidated. Nancy's class is excellent for a very advanced dancer who wishes to work on turn out, pointed feet, posture, and and precision whilst doing intricate fast paced rhythmic combinations. I figure I can maybe have a few collaborators as well, different types and levels of dancers who give their own input. For instance Amanda IS an advanced professional ballerina, so her take on the classes would be different than mine - who considers herself a theatre dancer with a very strong ballet backgroun, which is different from Kat who considers herself a jazz dancer or Danielle who is a tapper or Kim who is an opera singer who is learning to dance for the first time. I know a lot of people who are intimidated to take class because they don't know what they are getting themselves into - I think this could be a valuable tool for them!:) Trying to think of a title - ideas?

OOOOOOOOH! And I'm looking at a big picture of my rooooo! HE'S SO CUTE. (was so cute?) THE PICTURE IS SO CUTE! LOL!:)

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

kicking off the week of thanks!:)

This is the week of gratitude (and gluttony.)

Thanksgiving!

I mope and whine and panic and vent an awful lot - but all truths be told - I have a LOT to be thankful for.

So we will start with being Thankful I get to go to Florida! And spend the Holidays in the warmth and theoretical sunshine.

Go swimming OUTDOORS!!! Rollerblade - see all my friends from high school both DSOA and PBCC-ers and a few people from NYC who migrated to work with two different ballet companies in South Florida!!! Take ballet at my old dance studio - watch my extensive Disney video collection which I've been lacking. (It is very difficult to PLAY Alice in Wonderland when you haven't seen the movie in 15 years...what are Alice's mannerisms - sayings - etc...)

And escape from New York - get out of bad habits - and into good habits! Healthier both physically and mentally.

And have a HUGE PIANO ALL TO MYSELF (when my parents are away)! I can pluck out songs to my hearts content and practice without worrying about a neighbor who would rather be living it up with Beyonce!

Space - Light - Sunshine - clean air - friends - family - I'm excited - and thankful.

And --- when I return - I apparently have a date waiting for me - with the non-idiot boy from Pinafore - who can actually discuss Shakespeare --- I find it hysterical how nervous he gets around me - it's interesting not being the pursuer - I feel so --- powerful!

And with that - I go to bed in hopes of waking of for Yoda's class before catching my flight. Gotta get as much ballet in as possible if I am to in Finian's rainbow! (Or Chava is a production of Fiddler...if I'd only get seen - Chava - ballet - legit singing - looks Jewish! IT'S ME!!!!!)

To sleep perchance to dream!:)

Hissy fit

PLEASE! I do not want mothers with 13 year old sons living in my apt. Or mothers with 4 year old daughters. Or Meth addicts. Or Pets. Or Couples. PLEASE! SOMEONE MY AGE-ISH! SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T DO DRUGS! Someone who is healthy - and doesnt lie - or steal - or say mean purposefully malicious things to get their way - I KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE! WHO ARE YOU! WHERE ARE YOU! COME TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the next 12 hours!

And it's official - I got fat - GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! BANGS HEAD AGAINST WALL! DAMMIT! WHere was my will power amidst those tables of sweets! GONE! GONE GONE GONE! BLAH! My mom is gonna give it to me when I get home and I am NOT looking forward to it.

I suck.

Curious things may happen on the subway...

A few noteworthy things happened today.

1) On my way to Pinafore - between the 72nd and 42nd street stop - I ran into the musical director for Phantom, Woman in White, and now apparently A Little Night Music, who in my previous post I mentioned I wanted to stalk. Hrmmm...universe...thank you... She got off at 42nd. Between 42 and 34th - a three year old child threw up on me. Hrmmm...universe...what are you trying to tell me?

2) Kim came to see Pinafore - and brought me a gianormous bouquet of beautiful flowers!

3) Lara came over for tacos and we had a wonderfully girly gossipy night before she returns home to Canada - sniffle - why do so many awesome people return home to Canada?

4) We scheduled the Christmas c.d. - and picked out our songs. Wahoo! Yay silliness but fun and productivity.

bucket list!

Things I want to do - yay bucket lists:

-Get a performing JOB (i.e. one that PAYS - and preferably get me equity points if not a card.)

-record a Christmas c.d. with my friends

-submit myself to NY filmed tv shows such as Law and Order, CSI, and Guiding Light

-Stalk and submit myself to all three of starfish pastie girl's commercial agents

-make my youtube minimovie about my evil ballet shoe. (This shoe really is evil - you have to hear to stories.)

-Start working on the Susan Choreography for Finian's Rainbow

-Stalk Kristen music director of Phantom

-Stalk Phelim

-Direct a small very well done play - preferably no more than four people

-Meet my dream man - wherever he may be hiding.

-Get tivo

-See Christmas Carol and New Moon

-Be enormously successfully and many various ways!:)

-Be more consistent turning out triple pirouettes.

-Finally put on the showcase Alena and I have been plotting.

-Sing many Duets with Kim

-Make my High Ds, Es, and Fs competitive with the "real" singers!

-Keep the apt. in tip top condition.

-learn to hate the junk food kept in the Opera world.

-Have many more intellectual conversations. (Good start today on Hamlet's inner Tao-ist - thank you Cederic! If your salmon is as good as your Shakespeare...there may be hope...)

-Love myself - ethnic nose and all!:)

-Travel someplace amazing and exotic with Liz - (she invited me to India....hrmmmmm...an Amelie and Jean-Benoit were talking about that as well --- and it's the home to Hindu, Ghandi, and Satyagraha..........intriguing)

-He surrounded by corgis - like the Queen of England!:) (Wanted a funny one to end the list.)

food centric

Kim is amazing.

After a rather trying day that involved a food fight with myself to try and blow off steam - Kim was on-line. We discussed our plans for auditions in the future - making them super fun - more of celebrations than chores! Additionally finding ways of getting seen, submitting, weasling, using our girlish charms. Whatever works. I can't believe no one has thought of bringing mini-trave version of board games like scrabble before!

I also appreciate Austin's work on "big gay italian wedding" so much more today than I did at the time. He taught a group of non-dancers how to dance. I thought - what - who can't do that choreography? It's just running around with some hip rolls. Well - I spent a good 40 minutes trying to teach a very sweet lady lawyer how to do a grape vine step and jazz square today. I'm not sure I actually succeeded. It even resulted in me COUNTING the music for her! I was like think of it rhythmically -ONE two THREE four FIVE six SEVEN EIGHT! I was like - who am I? Counting! Weird! Crazy! Amazing! Awesome! FINALLY! In return - she offered to take off my nickel broach from my cape so I wouldn't have to touch it - lol. Anyhow, now I understand what a feat it was for Austin to teach 20 actors who have never danced before actual DANCE moves.

I think that conductor man gave up on me. Phew. It makes me feel a little bad to make him sad - not necessarily because I have any feelings towards him whatsoever - but I don't like making people sad in general. However, I think another member of the cast may have asked me out on a date. He asked me if I would like to come over so he could cook salmon for me --- huh - I'll take some free salmon. He's also one of the few people who is not an idiot in the cast. Incroyable.

I also took a long bath! It was so nice! So relaxing! So calming!!!! So nice on my muscles! Sigh! Soon I'll be in Florida - and swimming around like a mermaid - and sitting in hot tubs! AND I CANT WAIT FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER! My dad and I have already begun plotting and planning! SMOKED TURKEY! Chestnut stuffing! gravy with fried sausage! JUST KIDDING about the last one - lol! Food Network recommended it.

And HOPEFULLY - HOPEFULLY HOPEFULLY - my subletter problems will the solved when I wake up tomorrow.

Ferrip.

Thank goodness for Ferrip - who brings happiness and calm throughout the land.

KEYBOARD WHERE ART THOU!

I want to cry.

I want the keyboard back. I didn't even know it was leaving! I feel so --- naked. I used that thing every day! Warm up --- how to ---- warm up--- I am --- so - lost.... so confused...She apologized for the awkward seizing after it happened --- but ---- it doesn't change the fact that --- I have no way of knowing my pitches --- my notes - practicing my scales --- ahhhhh! SOOOOOOOOB! No warning! No nothing! BLAAAH! WAHHHH! BOOOO! SOOOOB!

I want a subletter who is --- someone I theoretically would want to live with. And doesn't try to get me to lower the rent to $600. SUBLETTER WHERE ARE YOU!?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Why do all the potential yous flake out - come on! I know you are out there somewhere! We don't have to be lovers - just get along and pay rent!

I want a performing job that PAYS - and not in the currency of "be the conductor's eye candy."

Job! I know you are out there! I am READY for you! Just take me already!

And why do I have weird mysterious rashes - that even the dermatologist can't diagnose. And why does everyone keep asking me about it! BLAH! GO AWAY STUPID RASHES!

So I'm cranky - and frustrated. And - staring at the empty spot where the keyboard was! BLAH!

when Mary's away --- the voice will play.

So - my voice --- sounds GREAT during my lessons and directly after my lessons - however - Mary being in italy - it falls down the tubes and make me cringe. BLAH.

At least I know there is potential - but egad - consistency - PLEASE!

sundayness

Pinafore reached a new level of ridiculous last night - when they informed us A) we do not have a SUnday show and B) We have to strike the set ourselves next Sunday - I WORK at 6:15 so there will be no set striking for me. One disgruntled old lady wearing a rather disturbing "kooky cousin" sexy alien costume said "well then you won't get cast in the next show!" Oh - darn...I was So looking forward to paying lots of money to be stalked - picketed - poked by the ladies standing next to me - and being surrounded by mass quantities of junk food.

I did an Alice in Wonderland tea party yesterday -it was the hardest party I've ever worked - the kids were - not fun. The parents were great - but the kids were mutinous. They would cry because they wanted to dance, then cry because they didn't want to dance. Then they'd cry because they wanted to eat cupcakes - but then they'd cry because they didn't want to eat cupcakes - all they really wanted to do was hide under the table. My boss was there and she wanted to run the party her way - and also take pictures for her website - which involved asking me to leave the action mid-limbo to take a posed picture. Which made the kids cry more - What a headache! But I need the money - and there are worse ways to make money - and things that pay way less an hour. So I'm thankful to get work at all.

I am also thrilled that I FINALLLLLY got a day off. I've not had much of a chance to breath and organize life and most importantly SLEEEEEP for more than 5 hours. Do laundry! YAY clean leotards!

Now --- if ONLY someone would answer my craigslist ad...

Moses

I am very fortunate to have so many wonderful people around me, and for that I am very thankful. At the same time, it is very difficult to balance out all of the demands which come with this.

People constantly get aggravated that you don't have time for them - the constant "but it's just one night, you can go to work hungover." All of those one nights, one dinners, one drinks, one game of pool, one show,add up rather quickly - monetarily - calorically - SLEEP-WISE - energy-wise, etc... To be the best I can be require me to not honor most of these requests.

It's frustrating because it would be more fun to have lunch with an old friend or go out drinking with the cast of Pinafore or bake cookies with Kat and Cara than go home and sleep - but that is what I need to do. I'm sure I make equally unreasonable demands, but it sure would be nice to have one of Hermione Granger's special necklaces that make it possible for her to be in two places at once.

Opening night of Pinafore was pretty good - Sir Joseph forgot a verse of his song and exclaimed SHIT in the middle of it - which was problematic since a huge plot point in act two is Captain Corchoran saying "damn me" in front of Sir Joseph who can't abide foul language - but what can you do. The way I see it, he took one for the team, now I'm not so nervous about my little mistakes (or big ones for that matter.) Otherwise - it was a super fun performance - and I danced my jazz squares and sang my high notes with pride!

We were pickets by the musicians union. I wish someone would tell us TRUTHFULLY why - but they won't. It always bothers me when I'm not informed. I think I'm addicted to information. The iphone helps me feeds my constant need for random knowledge - as does my beloved laptop. When I am kept in the dark I am annoyed. Apparently we might say something that will be used against us in court - but hey - if we are being picketed - shouldn't we have a right to know why? What if I agree with the musicians? Shouldn't I have the right to walk out? Ah well. I highly doubt I'd agree with the musicians on the matter - but one never knows.

Reinking was offered HAIR in London. Do you see my jealous drool on the computer screen? I find it a cruel irony that so many of my friends manage to work in England, and alas, I do not. Sigh.

The director of Pinafore in his rousing (?) pre-show speech said "Moses could not follow his people to the promised land." I guess I feel like that with London. But also, I think that actually articulates what I have been most unsatisfied with in directing. It's hard to explain - but when the show open - you move on as a director - you can give no more - you participate no more - you aren't part of the fun on stage - you just sit there and hope no one messes up too badly or that your vision has been realized to it's fullest potential - but you just LOOK at it - from a mountain - far away - you don't actually get to taste the milk and honey. I can say - it is definitely more fun to be on stage than off. Though - there is also something irreplaceable about creating a world in your imagination and watching it come to fruition on stage. I don't think one should ever have to choose between the two. I do truly believe you succeed in both worlds. For me, at the moment, it would be nice to succeed in one...but all in good time - all in good time.

I also still need a roommate. I find it extremely disconcerting that NO ONE is replying to my craigslist ads- and the people I know are all crazy! And piano girl - sadly - doesn't think she is going to move out of her family home anymore. SIGH! Anyone know of anyone who needs a really nice Manhattan home? It is really nice - huge - furnished - sunny - surround sound speaker!? No...? Sigh - thought it was worth a shot...maybe another time.

onions and parfaits.

My favorite line of conversation today:

Lady in Pinafore: Don't you find it odd that the Irish are portrayed so poorly in Ragtime when the novel it is based on was written by an Irishman?

Me: Really? Doctorow doesn't sound very Irish.

Lady: Well he is.

Me: I'm going to look it up. (pause for the iphone to operate it's magic.) He was born in the Bronx of Russian Jewish Decent.

Lady: Oh - I wonder why I thought he was Irish...oh it's about time for us to go on...

I have to say - all of this stupidity makes me miss directing - I forgot how good I am at all this dramaturgy and theatrical analyzation stuff --- and it's funny watching people be confused - wait - aren't you the ballerina who wants to be a Disney Princess - where does this other side come from?

To quote Shrek: I'm like an onion - onions have layers!:)

e lucevan le stelle

Just watching Classic Arts Showcase - Pavarotti just sang what I believe is my favorite tenor aria - E lucevan le stelle - but to be honest - I never knew the exact translation of the words - I just knew it was his final love letter to Tosca in Jail. They had subtitles on the tv. and the last lyrics are:

My dreams of pure love,
forgotten forever! All of it's gone now!
I die hopeless, despairing, and never before
have I loved life like this!

or

Now, my dream of love has vanished forever.
My last hour has flown, and I die hopeless!
And never have loved life more!

At any rate - it reminded me of my post a few nights ago where I talked about last fall - and how strange the pain was almost addicting -

But Pavarotti is brilliant - and just got a five minute standing ovation - and is now doing a reprise of the song - which I will sit back and enjoy...

You only give when you love (I read it on the box for my tea...)

Just skimmed over some old blog entries - it feels so weird how things that happened six months ago feel like yesterday...some things that happened yesterday feel like six years ago.

The old lady who stands to my left in Pinafore asked me why it always looked like I was daydreaming - I didn't realize I was so obvious about it...I guess it's exaggerated because - I can't look at the conductor, and by default the director who is next to the conductor, and I try not to look at her - because she has a habit of hitting my left arm and begging me to return her overdramatic facial expressions or complain about the wig she has to wear - which happens to be almost an exact replica of Ariel's in the Little Mermaid. I'm jealous of hers! Where I look like I escaped from SHOW BOAT! So - I have the girl to the right of me - and the sky...to look at - lol.

Meanwhile - a guy in Pinafore came up and said "I'm impressed by how much you know about Shakespeare - I don't know anyone who can talk about it like you." (duh.)

And then another girl and I had a beautiful conversation about Hinduism and it's different incarnations in India and South America. So I'm not too worried my brain has leaked out.

Too bad my gut is leaking out. All this singing means instead of taking three dance classes a day - I only take 1 - and instead of eating my healthy meals on time - i eat whatever is available at the theatre at 10 p.m. at night when I decide I can wait no longer for dinner. Tonight - we had a healthy main course of caramel corn, with a side of thin mint girlscout cookies. I feel like barfing just thinking about it. Damn opera singers - keeping caramel corn and thin mints around...dancers would never! LOL! So weird trying to belong to both worlds.

Kat and I had some really funny ideas for our Christmas c.d. we are attempting to make for fun today. We are rewriting the 12 days of Christmas. We were in Whole Foods - and apparenlty I laughed so loud it disturbed the other diners. It feels good to have my atomic laugh back.

I'm also reading a fantasy book - taking a break from the "random historical facts" genre - and reading about vampire hunters. It lacks - a lot - but is good brain candy for the time being.

Also - boo Sasha Cohen for dropping out of Skate America - I thought you were made of sterner stuff! I was so looking forward to seeing her new programs - she hasn't even announced the music yet! It makes you wonder...

Anyhow - I need sleep - it is a very valuable and treasured commodity nowadays - just like protein and vegetables! haha!

TWO WEEKS UNTIL SMOKED TURKEYS!

Don't mess with me and the bard!

I felt as though I was having an out of body experience all day. Things like - how strange this subway - what kind of people ride the subway - how strange ballet class - tendus eh? - how strange - sushi - It seemed as though I was floating outside my body looking in rather than inhabiting it myself.

This November is SO different than last Novemeber. In many ways - last November I was completely numb to everything - the most tantalizing piece of chocolate cake held no joy. (An involuntary anorexic - made so out of supreme depression?) In many ways this same depression - made me feel everything tenfold - happiness - sadness - frustration - you name it - I was an emotional mess laughing one minute bawling hysterically the next - aware of nothing yet aware of everything at once. A tap teacher once told me that people have a "pain body" and they get comfortable in it - almost enjoying the sensation of being in pain. In a sick demented way - I DO miss that. I miss the ability to not eat - I miss the ability to feel things so acutely - I miss the self discovery of every moment as I tried to articulate what I felt - I miss everyone flocking to me at all points in time to make sure I am ok - I miss the feeling of conquest every time I put a certain person in misery as well and the camraderie that built between people - very dark- very strange - but very alive - and yet dead at the same time. A schmorgesborg of contradiction.

This year - I seem to be the stable one - now paying back my truest friends by being their "rocks" as they break down on an hourly basis. It's strange the feeling of responsibility - and how that makes you, in a many ways, grow up. There are things that frustrate me and annoy me and make me want to punch people, but as a whole, I am happy. I am in a show, I just gave a vocal concert, I love my friends, I think I'm making progress with my career (at least training wise - right now there is literally nothing to audition for - not even belting tap dancing shows.) It makes me look at everything so differently. In many ways - far more logically and rationally - seeing a pumpkin doesn't send me into fit of elation - seeing a batman symbol doesn't drive me to hysterics. More of a calm enjoyment of the world - a more sedate frustration - trying to float down the river instead of paddle desperately upstream. In many ways - I love it - but I do miss the not eating --- haha.

Today we had tech for Pinafore - well - tech day 1. Went surprisingly smoothly and I confided in a friend what was making me uncomfortable - so we avoided the issues together - (she said she had noticed it and was wondering what was going on and thought it was awkward.) More importantly - I had an hour long Shakespeare conversation with four guys who call themselves thespians. Oh little did they know when they brought up Shakespeare what would happen... little did they know. One of them actually said "I don't feel that Shakespeare is relevant to our lives today and should never be presented." Aho! Aho! No no! No no! I'll leave the rest of this conversation to your imaginations! It was then followed by "Death and burial isn't an issue in Titus Andronicus." Ummmmmmm - A) I don't remember how this came up B) MY THESIS WAS ON THAT! (well my final paper for what was called my "thesis course." "What can we tell about how Elizabethans viewed death and burial in ancient Rome based on Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus." So - yes - imaginations once more. He then said "Romeo is a putz and I hate the play Romeo and Juliet." Imaginations. He then mentioned social change and Phillip Glass (Satyagraha anyone?) Imaginations again. Then - in a SUPERBLY bizarre chain of events - he asked if he could try a ballet lift with me. I gave his a skeptical look but said he could try. (Boy looks like - well - is my brother used to be "crappy toothpick" - he looks like "crappy rubberband.") So we do the lift - and he fails many times - before saying "I suck - I have no muscles." I can't tell if he was trying to show off - or just being weird - or trying to make me stop schooling him in Shakespeare...some old guy eventually joined the conversation and was like "wow - you know you stuff." (DUH!)

This is maybe why I don't get boys...blah...

Hrmmmm - MAYYYYYYYBE this is the best way to rid myself of the Pinafore problem "talk the creepy person to death about Shakespeare" - most excellent idea if I do say so myself!

Sleep well all of you out there in blogger land.

the show

Today was a very important stepping stone - i didnt realize it was an important stepping stone - but - I don't even remember the last time I sang on a stage --- was it PIPPIN?  9 years ago?  Wow...it's funny because it feels like yesterday - but I am such a different person now than during pippin.  I mean - I havent shaved my head and gone punk or anything   - and I'm still full of pixified fancies  - but the way I view and experience theatre has changed quite a bit - and most of my fearlessness has been lost along the way.  So singing in front of people - on a STAGE - with LIGHTS and a MICROPHONE seemed completely foreign and horrifying - very different than even an audition room - where TECHNICALLY the stake are higher.  The natural lighting and practice room feel helps me pretend I'm just reinacting things in my living room - not "performing."  

Also, I of course have never sung with a microphone!  (actually I think that is a lie - I think I used one at Benjamin - if that counts.)  Anyway - Mary - while I love her to death - seems to lose her mother hen sensibility before a show - and outwardly showed much of what was secretly going on inside my head.  Little help was given about how to use the mic - just yelling at me about why i didn't know how to use it.  I was like - DUDE!  YOU KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE I'M NEW TO THIS!  I've never sung in a CABARET!  I mean - my last great performance was HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS in 6th grade or something like that... and my song is about sunlight and how BEAUTIFUL sunlight is - in the rehearsal room (and audition rooms and my living room) - I can see sunlight - with the THEATRE lights - all I saw was darkness and a huge light in my face that hurt to look at.  It was HORRIFYING!

So when I actually got up to sing - I think my inner monologue was something like "shoot - the mic is too low - I should adjust it - oh crap - the incredibly attractice accompanist is playing the intro - I need to sing - "I don't see a miracle shining from the sky" - wait - I'm supposed to be seeing my mom in my mind's eye - why does my mom look like an exit sign - shoot - I'm now at the part where I see the sunlight - "i know what the sunlight can be..." wait - where is the sun --- are my hands spazzing - I know my hands are spazzing - they should really stop spazzing - am I flat now - I don't ever go flat in this song - but I mind me flat now - what does mary say about not going flat - right pyramid - oh I'm not sure I"m doing it right - where is that sun why do I only see darkness - "out of somewhere I have something I have never had - where sad is happy" NOW I get to think about Austin -hehehehe - Austin makes me happy - oh - i'm laughing because he makes me giddy ---OH gotta keep singing ---- oh tis is the tricky rhythm part I always get wrong - listen for three notes - 1 -2-3-4 - GAH! I"M LATE!  I'm always early - "the light in the piazza - the light in the piazza" - DAMN!  Its so dark and now I think I'm too closeto the mic - and where is that sunlight - maybe I should just think about Austin - GAH!  KAT is in the audience - and she knows my Austin face - and she is gonna know whatever is on my face right now is not my Austin face - she's gonna see right through me - this sucks  - I actually have time to think about Austin and be giddy and have it be productive and I'm not it - "all I see it - all I want is tearing from inside - I see it - now I see it - everywhere..." GAH!  That note is easy - why does it suddenly feel hard - "everywhere it's everywhere it's everything and everywhere - " NOW I GET TO THINK ABOUT AUSTIN AGAIN!  "Fabrizio" - wait - why can't I breath - I'm all out of breath - and I'm supposed to send this note to Fabrizio - but why does Fabrizio look like a lighting booth with a very nice black woman in it?  ACK!  JUST KEEP SINGING "the light in the piazza' - GAH!  I CAME IN EARLY THAT TIME - 'my love.'  Well - THAT is over - I still have another song to sing - well - may as well just fun - wait - I'm supposed to sing this song to the audience - but I cant see the audience - do I just pick random spots and pretend they are people - oh look - I can kinda see the people in the front - oh look - and asian couple - i wonder who they are here to see - "he said my espophagus" OH DAMN!  That is the wrong verse - oh well - i can fix it easily - just switch some things around - no one knows this weird song about bronchial tubes....Oh - I see Kim's mom - she was nice enough to wear a hat - maybe I'll jsut sing to her ---"my epidermis filled him with glee" - why on earth am i standing up here caressing my own arms - is this sexy - or just bizarre -"to figure out why he loved every part of me" - oh this is the nice part where I get to strike a ballet pose - I do enjoy a ballet pose - "and yet not me as a whole" - gah - totally not in the moment there - who am I kidding I'm not in the moment for any of this - "He said 'twas just enormousmy appendix veriformous " - oh my token high note is coming up - I actually like my high note - this is the easiest part of this whole performance - YAY high note! " he LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED me."  Oh yay - high note - you worked unusually well - thank you high note - I do love you so ---  oh - I guess that's the end - I'll get off the stage now - hopefully I won't fall down the stage - 

Apparently is FABULOUS and I was RADIANT in the Piazza song (retarded pretty girl song) and HYSTERICAL in the physician (song about a girl in love with a gay doctor) - and my high note was beautiful - and kat couldnt tell my inner monologue was what it was - and she could see Austin - and I looked relaxed - the accompanist asked if it was really my "cabaret" debut - and  I said yes - and he was surprised - but I guess the TRUE test was some strangers (including the mystery Asian couple aforementioned) sought me out and said I did a good job - they have no obligation to tell me I was fabulous - where everyone else kinda does - 

I ordered the dvd - so I'll get to watch it and cringe at myself OVER and OVER - HOOOOORAY!

Of course - Kim was STUPENDOUS!  I know I shouldnt compare myself to her - especially because while very similiar we are also very different.  In my opinion - she is very much a sexual woman - dark chocolate fondue - where I'm more of a crepe suzette - light - and fluffy - with a dash of orange zest.  More importantly - KIM IS AN AMAZING human and I am so happy I met her!  And hope we continue to be FABULOUS friends!  we've gone through similiar things in the past few years, and oddly know a lot of the same people - and as aforementioned - share a lot of goals - and i feel very fortunate to have met her!

Her mom also paid for Kat's admission!  (Kat is in a bit of a financial bind - so that was so super nice of her!)

There is another girl named Anjelique who was STELLAR - she performed a Beyonce and an Amy Winehouse song - brought the house down!  She was Kat's favorite!  So inspiring to watch her!

Anyhow, I guess conquering the stage at the Triad is step closer to conquering the stage at the imperial theatre - and figuring out what I have to work on etc... in a nice safe environment before moving up to the major leagues.  

Also - I got a "GOOD" on Petite Allegro today in Nancys class!  THAT NEVER HAPPENS!  INCROYABLE!

the roommate search continues - and has now become quite dramatic ---  people are weird - and have ever weirder friends - people with crystal meth addictions, people with 2 dogs, people with 2 kat, people with grand pianos, people who want to pay only half the rent and stay only every other night (not even kidding!), 52 year men, etc... it all seems bizarre to me...

Maybe I should just get the conductor of Pinafore to be my sugar daddy and pay for everything - shudder ----

Anyway - I guess today I took one step closer to reaching my full potential as a performer!  It will be a long journey- and one that I think no artist actually ever completes  - but - progress should always be celebrated - so - I had a piece of chocolate!:)  WOOOOHOOOO!

Oh - AND - I should say - I feel super pretty in my dress.  I have no pictures!:-( but it was a very pretty dress my mom and I bought in France at les halles - the designer section - it was relatively very inexpensive - but a one of a kind dress that A) looks like it came out of the show light in the Piazza and B) Lookslike it was tailor made for me - I love it.  And the very attractive accompanist said "you look so pretty tonight!" SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  I AM PRETTY!

GRRRRRRRR TO ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE!

I AM PRETTY!:)

Fabrizio!:)

I am nervous and excited to sing tomorrow (today) ---

My song is rhythmically hard - and we all know how much I just LOOOOVE rhythm - and truly at excel at it!

I am excited to wear my pretty dress and sing to --- "Fabrizio" - (HRMMMMM - WHOOOOO could I be using as Fabrizio --- I have nooooo idea...not.................the understudy for Prince Eric in Mermaid - noooo - never!)

There is a girl named Kim in the workshop - who is completely awesome on every single level!  Her voice is STUNNING - and to be honest - intimidating.  I feel like an uncoordinated three year old next her.  She is such a marvelous person though, and we've become good friends in a very short period of time which is nice.  We know a lot of the same people - and are reaching towards similiar goals and have similiar inhibitions etc...

I also read way too much into everything - and am convinced that the fact I am third on the program means that Mary hates me --- I think she is just trying to keep Kim and I as far apart on the program as possible - because we are so similiar - and Kim is way better and her songs are a better closer - but you know - I have an overactive mind....blah mind - just be happy --- there is so much to rejoice for - just - be happy- and sing to Fabrizio!

Also - I think the conductor of Pinafore is hitting on me - which is super disturbing - though his is a bazillionaire - so I'm trying to figure out how to make him give me LOTS of money for directing projects or voice lesson or - life - or send me off on crazy expeditions to Expeditions to Europe - he insisted on driving me home tonight - even though he lives on 10th ave. and I live 180 blocks away.  DUDE - what is with guys in Pinafore going out of their way to see me home --- riding the train with me only to take it back downtown to where they live on 34th - driving me - this is soooooo bizarre!

PS - the conductor of Pinafore is an old british man ---- I do believe it is odd that I am more comfortable with old british men than anyone else ----- what a strange strange strange thing...useful at times - but strange...

Alright - well - I should go to bed - big day tomorrow - vocal concert - and Nancy - Nancy enjoys beating me up!  And it's FABULOUS!  I love Nancy!  I love Nancy because - as I've said before - she treats me the same as she treats her ABT and NYCB dancers - she holds me to the same level - gives me the same amount of feedback, reality checks, and encouragements.  It may not seem special to someone not in the ballet world - but IN the ballet world - it is very very very special - and I am so incredibly thankful.

The package is becoming more and more complete - more and more refined - not a finished product - but getting closer every day ---

My goals for this months (rest of october and November) = 

Eat well!  (I fell off the bandwagon in Europe and have been having trouble getting back on...)

Continue to explore "relaxing" into my voice and dance/performing TO somebody (It's always Sierra or "Fabrizio" - they seem to work best depending on the subject matter.)

Get my room in order/find furniture that isn't broken

Believe in myself 110%

Enjoy life and encourage my friends to be the best that they can be as well!  

Get my projects off the ground - because I can!  I remember when I was first trying to work at the RSC - and created the internship - someone - maybe Ken Fischer - said - that we didn't unlock a door - we took a crayon and drew a door where there wasn't one and opened it.  I CAN create doors - and WILL - I'm excited to see all that I will do and accomplish!

But for now - I'll just focus on my pretty dress and my two songs for the Cabaret!:)

knock knock knocking

PS - I'm knocking on wood for that entire last post!

maximus

It's fall - full fledged fall.

I love fall so much!  The world changing before your eyes in a myriad of warm inviting colors...cool crisp air...apples...baked goods...costumes...figure skating grand-prix...pumpkins...pumpkin EVERYTHING...I just adore pumpking!  PUMPKIN SEEDS!  pumpkin bread!  Pumpkin pie!  Pumpkin tempura!  Pumpkin Soup!  Pumpkin cookies!  Pumpkin Cheesecake!  Pumpkin curry!  I'm not sure I've ever met a pumpkiny food I didn't like.  And - last night - I CARVED A JACK-O-LATERN!  One side a happy face - one side and evil mean face - just like when I was a kid.

Today VLOG (group doing pinafore) had a costume sale to try and raise money - they sold old costumes and baked goods (YES - I MADE SEVEN DIFFERENT BAKED GOODS!)  to raise money for the show.   The smiling goofy faces of everyone as they tried on the costumes was beyond priceless.  I love watching people be silly - and the shear joy on their faces as they remember being 8 and trick or treating door to door - or pretending that THEY were a fairy princess.  I like to pretend its them seeing the world as I usually do - but it also reminds me of the happiness I feel when pretending I'M a princess.

And GLADIATOR IS ON TV!

Granted I've eaten so much sugar I have made myself sick

but last year this time I was so depressed I actually stopped eating - great that I got skinny - bad that I spent most of the day crying ---

This year - I've been the one being strong for others - helping them get through their emotional despair - I hope I can be there for them as well as they were there for me - 

It's strange - being the one that people come to for advice - but it's also good to have a clear understanding of what they are going through and be able to offer honest advice.  Letting new friends in - exorcising the bad ones --- 

I'm excited to sing in Pinafore and Mary's concert.  Hopefully I'll get to sing a lot more in the future!  I never would have imagined people would say I had a pretty voice - but it thrills me!  Maybe one day I will get paid for it!  WAHOOO!

I love being a Disney Princess!  My boss is really kind.  I just wish there was more work!

I hope this will be a marvelous fall!  A marvelous winter!  A marvelous spring!  And a marvelous summer!  I marvelous year full of accomplishments and positive happy steps forward!

guy who likes disney

Today I met a guy (A STRAIGHT GUY ONE WHOLE YEAR OLDER THAN MYSELF!!!!)  who is as obsessed with Disney as I am - if not more.  Crazy, huh?

I also apparently AM awesome at fosse dancing when given it amongst opera singers!

Everyone in Pinafore is so nice!  what a great group of people!

I also had lunch with a very cool girl from Mary's workshop.

Yay for meeting new awesome people!

sometimes...

Sometimes ---- you submit yourself for a nice opera singing ballet dancing show --- but get called in for a Chorus Line. Alrighty - well that IS exciting...

But my friends are amazing and taught me the choreography - so I'll be ready! YAY!

like a panther...

Is stalking a show once again...stalk stalk stalk...

his energetic fist should be ready to resist a dictatorial word

HMS Pinafore is so much fun! Everyone is so nice and loving and talented and supportive and intelligent - crazily intelligent. The girl who plays Josephine works in hedge funds and is starting her own financial advising company! I met another girl who is applying to Columbia and NYU for neuroscience! And such beautiful voices! It's really great!

The conductor always says I'm the "smiley" one - and he can't stop looking at me when he's conducting because I always look like I"m having so much fun. We had a preview performance for the G&S society today - he said "it was a pleasure watching you as always" at the end. I find this hysterical - since I feel like I have no idea what is going on. (everyone else went to school for music - or started in music but switched to - oh ---- neuroscience or calculus...) so I'm the only one who can't read music and has not sung in a choir since 9th grade...

But I get a beautiful dress - I'm apparently a very well dressed Vulcan woman! So I'm excited.

And then of course - I"m singing for Mary's showcase in two weeks! EEEEK! Get to sing LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA and THE PHYSICIAN. Oddly the Physician is harder for me - since I'm supposed to be sexy - and - I'm much better at acting like a retarded 28 year old than a sexy 28 year old apparently...

I did the evil deed today - and told the roommate she had to move. It's sad because she just moved in and I was so excited about her - but - I can't have someone who lies in the apt. Flashbacks of "I didn't use your efax account" "I didn't use your contact information"etc... are too vivid and it's been my experience with both Batman and Miss C. where there is smoke tehre is fire! So far - I've caught in her TWO MAJOR lies - plus found her in my room - "using the mirror" - she has boys over without asking or giving me a heads up - so I sit there on the sofa in my pajamas completely surprised - doesnt do dishes - leave the bathroom a freaking mess - hasnt unpacked yet - (because NOOOO WHy would I want to be able to sit down on my sofa? I dont want to do that - it's much better to store your UGG boots there!) - even after I asked her too - asked me to NOT cash her check until october 6th (Rent is due on the 1st) - just all these things which would be ok - if she didnt f-ing LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'm super proud of myself for standing my ground - and having enough respect for myself to say "I'm not going to tolerate it!"

But - to end this journal on a happy note - Nancy gave me "goods" on PETITE ALLEGRO! THAT NEVER HAPPPENS! so yay happy ballet class.

And = I've discovered the glory of the egg white omelette - and thank my friends for sharing awesome omelette recipes with me!

liar liar pants on fire.

I need to find a happy thought after the last 8 hours of the day ----

Took one of those AWFUL acting classes where everyone jsut cries for six hours - and well - i went in happy - I didnt want to cry.  I had to think of a relationship I tried to save - obviously I used Batman - but I'm so over it - it evoked almost no emotion.  The only emotion was egad was I stupid - this is really funny in retrospect.  I was chastized though for not digging deep enough to the pain.  Personally - I think NOT feeling the pain is a great personal accomplishment.  but six hours - EEEESH - of being in a room where people are screaming and crying and bawling and moaning I LOVE YOU and FORGIVE ME and COME BACK - puts you in an unDisney like state.  Even Sierra videos arent doing it for me.

THen I came home to find my new roomie had USED MY COMPUTER WITHOUT ASKING - and - had logged me out of all my applications like facebook and logged herself in WITHOUT ASKING...which is SUPER bizarre since she has a computer of her own!  Another smaller macbook.  WTF.  Then when I asked her about it - SHE LIED!!!!!  Something like this:

I asked her - did you use my computer? And she said no. And I asked - then why is facebook logged in as you? She said "Oh well I used it briefly a few days ago" me: "but - why is it logging now - and the last instant message says it was sent 2 minutes ago?" Her: That's weird. I don't know why. Me: and why when I go to refresh is it still logged in as you. i used it at 6 p.m. so if you used it a few days ago it should still be logged in as me." Her" That's weird. Me: (going to the 8 different facebook pages I have open) - look - when I hit refresh it goes to you homepage - it wasn't doing that at 6 p.m. Her: I don't know. Me: look - message to so and so - sent at 1:03 am --- 1:01 a.m 12:55 a.m. Her "Alright I did use it tonight. Me: Why did you LIE to me about it when I asked? Her: I don't know - I only used it for a second - Me: You used it for twenty minutes!!!!!!! Her: I don't know --- I didnt realize I used it for twenty minutes.  Me: but why did you lie?  Her:  I didnt realize I used you so recently - Me: alright - but why did you lie that's kinda sketchy her: I'm sorry I didnt know Me: skeptical confused look Her: how was your day?  Me:  Ok - I took an awful acting class and had ballet --- came home and used facebook - by the way - you need to do your dishes - there are dishes still in there that were there when I came back from England.  her:  Oh - I just leave them in there to soak.  Me: Yes - but you see - when you leave them in there we get bugs - Her: oh - but they need to soak Me: alright but some have been in there for a week, if you just rinse them off right away they dont need to soak, and nothing needs to soak for a week.  her:  oh ok - I'm sorry. Me: My friend is texting me about the Twillight movie - (then to avoid crying or punching exited into my room.)

And I mean - I think the problem isnt the LENGTH of time or WHEN she did it - but that she DID - AT ALL!

WORST OF ALL SHE LIED!  I have not felt so betrayed since ------- BATMAN.  and - whilst it is a SMALL thing to lie about - I have had serious trust issues since batman - so ANYTHING is a problem - but especially someone I'm living with to lie to blatantly to my face - how do I know what ELSE she is lying about?  Will lie about?  I can't truth her with my things - or anything.  I want to kick her out right now.  that is truly unexcusable in my book.  I've dealt with Chloe and batman and that is enough lying for me.  DO NOT LIE TO ME!!!!!!!  My white knight - Austin - said he learned thebest way to deal with people in ALL situations is to be straight forward - he is SOOOO correct!  I still remember the moment when he first started coaching me on seagulls - when he said he would meet me on Sunday at 5 - and he was THERE - and I was shocked because I was so used to Batman saying something then not following through.  It was the first time I realized how I had come to not believe what people said - and that I should because there are good people like Austin around.  Dammit - I should have just let sean stay here for no money instead of dealing with this shit.  yes - I cursed.  I'm ANGRY.

But nancy was LOVELY in ballet - and I get to be Ariel tomorrow so all is good if I can get to sleep.

yesterday

Yesterday I took tap with one of the Ariel understudies - and heck - surprisingly think I could tap as well as she!  She was super sweet and fun!:)

And the lead in Pinafore told me my voice was beautiful!:)  How strange ----- how strange indeed ---

I will actually write about my trip to England and France as soon as I have a moment to breath.

PASTRIES

OFF TO ENGLAND!  And PARIS!

Hopefully I won't come back looking like and Eclaire!  or a gummy pig!

It will be good to get away!  get out of old bad habits - old ruts - old states of mind.

Just come back refreshed and rejuvinated!  Ready to Take on the WORLD once more!

Hopefully INSPIRED.  Hopefully I will find my song - and my dance - and my excitement - love of life and joyfulness - confidence - assertiveness - etc...

And when I get back I will have a new roomie (as well as my old roomie for a few days.)

And hopefully princessing will pick up - it's so much fun!  And pays well!  I'd love to get relatively consistent work doing that!

And I'll spend October getting into shape for Nov. December, Jan, Feb, March - "audition season" - and I will book jobs left and right!:)

But for now - I have the Starship Pinafore - which I hope all my friend will come and see - (though I am urging varying degrees of innebriation for full enjoyment!) and EUROPE!  And then - who know what the future holds!  Hopefully many years of happiness!:)

I'm still reading the King Arthur book.  I must say - there is a lot to learn from the Knights of the Rount Table and their questing!  The rules of knighthood, the lessons learned, the honorable way to meet challenges, and how to acquire, process, and apply knowledge.   Great book! Everyone should read it!

Au Revoir!

I'll eat an extra pastry for you - whoever might be reading!:)

BLAH..................

..is having one of those - don't want to get out of bed - or leave the house days...blah....................

Gay men suck.  well - not all obviously - just the ones running the workshop - they just love to zap the life out of me - fun.

enough

One of the "life concepts" I have been working on is the idea that I am "enough" - just as I am.

Sometimes I truly believe I am.  The world, the stars, the planets, all seem in line up and I feel nothing but joy, calm, peace, and elation.  

More often than not, however, I feel inadequate at best...utter failure at worse.  

I wonder - as vain and superficial and trivial as it might sound - have I never actually had a real boyfriend.  What is it that makes boys say "friend" instead of "girlfriend."

And I wonder why I seem to have a nagging tendency to come in second - at skating competitions, award ceremonies, etc...I remember once, I believe it was in fifth grade, I won THREE second place awards at the end of the year award ceremony at benjamin.  I won MORE awards than anyone else, but they were all second place...Chorus, Theatre, and Creative Writing...

At Interlochen I was runner up for the scholarships in EVERY class I took.

Science Fair I forget if I came in second or third - but I do know it wasn't first.

at DSOA I "won" the history award - but it was really a second place award - a girl named Alicia had a higher avg. score than me - but the teacher gave me the award because she knew how much it meant and Alicia won an award in every other class.

I seemed to specialize in 4th, 3rd, and 2nd at Debate tournments - but never number 1.

I did win ONE skating tournament - but I have more silver medals than any other...

What about me says number 2 instead of number 1?

I'll make it to the final ROUND of an audition - but then not get the phone call.

What gives?  How can I be enough if I'm always coming up JUST short?

Even more disturbing is that I find myself settling.  Being ecstatic i am sailing on the 'starship pinafore" - where I don't get paid.  

Additionally - if I am "enough" why are people always telling me I have to be more.  I don't sing pop - but then everyone says "but in this business you have to." 

I have a very special voice - it hits notes very few people can reach and sounds damn good doing it - and a lot of shows NEED those notes!!!!  Why can't I just work on at least making those STRONG and CONSISTANT before "needing" pop.  Or a "belt."  Or a "rock song."

I am GREAT at ballet and contemporary dance, good at jazz and theatre - and pathetic at tap and hip hop.  But I "need" tap and hip hop.  Oh yes - and Latin.

I am pretty  - but I'm never the "pretty girl" in the group that hits on... and everyone is always trying to get me to change my hair - be blonde, go darker, go shorter, go curlier - why don't you blow dry it?

I feel I'm smart and cultured - on top of having a comprehensive knowledge of the Shakespeare Cannon and Puccini Operas - I'm suppose to know every movie that has come out since 1980 and be able to quote it verbatim.

I feel I'm intelligent and read a good amount of literature and news stories - but they are somehow never the ones other people read...or the one that comes up in conversation - gotta read more!

I feel I'm skinny - but I don't have a six pack and people like to remind me my thighs are a litttttle bulky.

I speak French - but not fluently with perfect grammar - well enough to get around but I aint fooling anyone.

Don't get me wrong - I have plenty to be thankful for - and AM thankful for it.  I just wish I could be stellar - astonishing - at something - or that I could have my chance to shine - or that I could just be more comfortable and confident in my own skin - know who I am - know what my boundaries are - and stick to them and not care what anyone else in the world thinks.

Any hypocritically - I wish the world would love me unconditionally for all of these things that I am - and that represent me.  Not criticize - not ask for more - just accept - and nurture - and help me grow into the best ME I can be.

I suppose IIII have to accept myself first - because "if I love myself then loving you won't be so rough"

But right now - I could just use a hug - and/or a phone call - and some ecstatic elated screaming - and a huge smile on my face.  

I need to be enough...

PRINCESSING!:)

Today I had my first "party with a princess" training session!  WHAT A FUN JOB!  

Today was a Sleeping Beauty Party - I didn't actually get to dress up, I worked as Sleeping Beauty's assistant.  The girl I was working with was really sweet - as was the family hosting the birthday party.  They also had the world's most GORGEOUS apartment!  I think it was bigger than our house in Florida.   There was a walk in closet almost the size of my room!  It even had an "island" of drawers in the middle - like a store would have!  It was crazy!  And they fed us delicious pizza and cake - hrmmmm - princesses eating pizza...

Anyhow, I'm super excited about this job and I hope it all works out and I can get lots of work being a Party Princess! It pays well and is fun!:)  Sure beats buffing floors at Steps!  LOL!

Wish I could say I had as much fun in tap - I just find tap so damn boring - but alas - doing the back flips in the audition yesterday left me sore sore sore - so tap it was - not to mention - tap is SUPER good for me!

No word from South Carolina - I know they probably won't call ANYONE until Tuesday at the earliest -but you know me and my obsessive mind - I can't help but go over everything I wish I had done better - "performed" more "enunciated" more - relaxed more - waltzed better - etc...Well - I suppose it's all a learning experience.

No auditions this week which is weird - then - next week - ENGLAND and FRANCE!  Which is also weird ---

I'm more than a little nervous about going back to the RSC - I have VERY mixed emotions - on one hand - I love it more than words can ever express - on the other hand - I am extremely hurt that despite all the love passion and dedication I put towards it - in the end - I ultimately can't REALLLLLLY be a part of it - I also feel ashamed because - I feel I had such high expectations - at least IIIII had high expectations of myself - and after WIW - it all kinda fizzles into one depressed gunky gloop - and I'm not really sure I want the RSC rubbing that in my face.

All that being said - how different this fall is from last fall. (I KNOW I've said that before.)  But it does truly amaze me.  Even if South Carolina doesn't work out - I'm still in HMS Pinafore, I still did Austin's show - I'm a working princess! LOL!  And when I'm SEEN at auditions - I'm proud of the work I put forth.  I have finally found some mentors - there is the lovely Mary my voice teacher, the lovely Nancy (female Yoda) who has truly taken me under her wing in such a fabulous way - where as Yoda at one point accepted me into his circle - perhaps more as a way of getting back at Batman than anything else - Nancy says - hell - we are gonna get you working on the Broadway - and she pushes me, prods me, yells at me, and encourages me the same way she does her NYCB and ABT students.  Constantly - STAND UP TALL, POINTE THOSE FEET, MAINTAIN YOUR TURN OUT, PULL YOUR ARMS IN, PIQUE NOT RELEVE, WORK ON YOUR FIFTH POSITION, ALL YOUR TOES ON THE FLOOR, BE TALLER THAN TORI, JUMP REALLY JUMP, HIGHER!  GET YOUR LEG HIGHER!  it is the harping on she reserves for professionals - and I can feel myself improving leaps and bounds because of it!  And of course - Austin - who has given me so much in terms of self respect, confidence, experience, skills, and a sense of calm - tact - diplomacy - patience - and how to turn every negative experience into something positive and enriching.  I am so thankful for these three people.

I should also say Reinking - I can want to strangle her at time - but she is a valuable resource who has gone out of her way helping me find music, work on harmonies, and how to present myself in an audition room.  Kat who is always there to listen and be supportive and extremely helpful in EVERY possible way.  Alena - who is a constant creative drive and loving giving spirit who motivates me to be the best I can be every day!  And of course - Nathan - who is simply Nathan and I love him for it.

So hopefully - and i'm knocking on 8000 things made of woods - things are on an upswing - projects will start coming to fruition - and goals will be finally be reached!

I am thankful for a sound mind and fully functioning body - what wonderful things those are!  "what a piece of work is man, how noble in reason..."

 

update

Just for anyone curious - made it through two more rounds in my callback - now just waiting for the telephone to ring...

I've been close before - so Im not gonna celebrate until I actually GET a job - but getting this far in an audition open to equity is still an accomplishment!  See - when I'm SEEEEEEEEEEN I do ok....(touch wood.):)

Harmonizing

...on the upside - I also learned how to harmonize so I will be ASTOUNDING tomorrow at my callback!:)  (touch wood.)

avril

Remember that time I had a panic attack in the middle of my audition class - while being forced to sing Avril Lavigne?

Oh right - that happened today ---

fingers crosse and touching wood

OOOOOH!  Another My Fair Lady Call Back!  I'm nervous!  

But before anyone gets TOOOO excited - they had an "invited" call today AND are having TWO days of Local EPA's - so - while it is great to be called back - I'm waiting to open the champagne until I have a contract in front of me.

cue Gospel Music - OH HAPPY DAY!

TODAY I was SEEN for an EQUITY SHOW!  And made it through 3 vocal cuts (after they asked me if I could make my voice sounds MORE operatic!!!!!) and a dance call where I got to do FOUETTES!

Here's to hoping I actually BOOK IT!:)

South Ferry

Austin got me drunk today.  Damn him.  More tipsy than drunk.

We had tech rehearsal today - it was very challenging since our dancing space was reduced to a depth of five feet.  yes - five feet boys and girls - I can't even lay myself down on it - haha.  So our dancing are now very horizontal and rechoreographed - making it harder to remember the steps - and - stay on the rhythm.  But we shall do it!  And we shall be BRILLIANT!

Everyone is really and welcoming in the cast.  I had a lot of fun - but then again - I'm just overjoyed to be in ANYTHING and get experience.  

Right - well - it's back to Staten Island for a 10 a.m. call!  And no 1 train service to South Ferry.  Awesome!  (You know I love it!)

Pinafore

Today was cool because I was offered a role in the ensemble for the Village Light Opera's production of HMS Pinafore.  It was my very first opera audition!  YAY!

Also - I sang my "mock audition for WICKED" in my audition workshop and KICKED ASS if I must say so myself.  I wanna brag and revel now because next week begins "POP song" week - and well - as Austin says - its a good opportunity to work on things I'm bad at and am uncomfortable doing.  (For the record - I got to sing my favorite song to sing in the WORLD from Little Mermaid - Beyond My Wildest Dreams - in an operatic style with an altered high B ending for Wicked - so I was rather comfortable with that.  Pop belt - hahahahahahahahaha!)

AND OFF TO STATEN ISLAND for tech rehearsal for Austin's show!  

continuing

I continue to be thankful for Austin.  He makes me haaaaaaappppppppppy.  Somehow he always knows just what to say to calm me down or put my mind to rest or make me dance disco awesomely.  (touch wood.)

Audition workshop - not all I thought it would be.  And they are making me sing an Avril Lavigne song.  Blah...

I love my voice teacher Mary though - she is amazing - and so helpful and comforting.

I am officially a Disney Princess for Party with a Princess.  I have my first training party - which is paid - on the 19th!  They said I can play Belle, Show White, and Sleeping beauty - and they'd get me blue contacts (and of course a wig) for Ariel.

Yup - show on Saturday - woohoo.

different pumpkins

How different this onset of Fall is from last onset of Fall...

I am thankful.  Scared.  Excited.  Encouraged.

Phelim's Twitter message is just this - I like it:

Energy

Creation

Openess

Optimism

Love

He apparently has that taped to his door.  All good things.  I love Phelim - even though I've never met him.  His work astounds.

Thank you thank you thank you

I am thankful - at this exact moment in time - for Austin.

I was sad - very very very sad - and then - he made me very very very happy.

He put me in a show and he has in just a few days pushed me to become a better dancer and performer than I knew I could be - and I am thankful.

I don't even think he is aware of how much hope he gave me - but he has - so thank you world for Austin.  Thank you universe for at least giving me a little emotional jumper cable - and a teacher - and a mentor of sorts.  Thank you!

Along with this - I need to throw out a thank you to Kat as well - who has been a most marvelous partner in crime - all crimes - of Mermaid obsessions to helping me disco dance and tap - to helping rent voice rehearsal rooms and sign into auditions and watch Disney Channel and look for theatres and read drafts of Giraffes.  So yes - I am verrrrrrrrrrry thankful for Kat too!

I hope the feeling continues and grows - and happiness will just abound everywhere!  There is a director (Who I admire greatly named Declan Donnellan) who says in our moments of most supreme happiness we are also experience a profound sadness for we know the feeling cannot and will not last.  Not that is is my moment of most supreme happiness - but there is most certainly an ebullience of sorts - and a fear that the ebullience will disappear back into the muck.  For now - I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the starbust of smiles and inspirations.

Thank you.

:-)