Sometimes I truly believe I am. The world, the stars, the planets, all seem in line up and I feel nothing but joy, calm, peace, and elation.
More often than not, however, I feel inadequate at best...utter failure at worse.
I wonder - as vain and superficial and trivial as it might sound - have I never actually had a real boyfriend. What is it that makes boys say "friend" instead of "girlfriend."
And I wonder why I seem to have a nagging tendency to come in second - at skating competitions, award ceremonies, etc...I remember once, I believe it was in fifth grade, I won THREE second place awards at the end of the year award ceremony at benjamin. I won MORE awards than anyone else, but they were all second place...Chorus, Theatre, and Creative Writing...
At Interlochen I was runner up for the scholarships in EVERY class I took.
Science Fair I forget if I came in second or third - but I do know it wasn't first.
at DSOA I "won" the history award - but it was really a second place award - a girl named Alicia had a higher avg. score than me - but the teacher gave me the award because she knew how much it meant and Alicia won an award in every other class.
I seemed to specialize in 4th, 3rd, and 2nd at Debate tournments - but never number 1.
I did win ONE skating tournament - but I have more silver medals than any other...
What about me says number 2 instead of number 1?
I'll make it to the final ROUND of an audition - but then not get the phone call.
What gives? How can I be enough if I'm always coming up JUST short?
Even more disturbing is that I find myself settling. Being ecstatic i am sailing on the 'starship pinafore" - where I don't get paid.
Additionally - if I am "enough" why are people always telling me I have to be more. I don't sing pop - but then everyone says "but in this business you have to."
I have a very special voice - it hits notes very few people can reach and sounds damn good doing it - and a lot of shows NEED those notes!!!! Why can't I just work on at least making those STRONG and CONSISTANT before "needing" pop. Or a "belt." Or a "rock song."
I am GREAT at ballet and contemporary dance, good at jazz and theatre - and pathetic at tap and hip hop. But I "need" tap and hip hop. Oh yes - and Latin.
I am pretty - but I'm never the "pretty girl" in the group that hits on... and everyone is always trying to get me to change my hair - be blonde, go darker, go shorter, go curlier - why don't you blow dry it?
I feel I'm smart and cultured - on top of having a comprehensive knowledge of the Shakespeare Cannon and Puccini Operas - I'm suppose to know every movie that has come out since 1980 and be able to quote it verbatim.
I feel I'm intelligent and read a good amount of literature and news stories - but they are somehow never the ones other people read...or the one that comes up in conversation - gotta read more!
I feel I'm skinny - but I don't have a six pack and people like to remind me my thighs are a litttttle bulky.
I speak French - but not fluently with perfect grammar - well enough to get around but I aint fooling anyone.
Don't get me wrong - I have plenty to be thankful for - and AM thankful for it. I just wish I could be stellar - astonishing - at something - or that I could have my chance to shine - or that I could just be more comfortable and confident in my own skin - know who I am - know what my boundaries are - and stick to them and not care what anyone else in the world thinks.
Any hypocritically - I wish the world would love me unconditionally for all of these things that I am - and that represent me. Not criticize - not ask for more - just accept - and nurture - and help me grow into the best ME I can be.
I suppose IIII have to accept myself first - because "if I love myself then loving you won't be so rough"
But right now - I could just use a hug - and/or a phone call - and some ecstatic elated screaming - and a huge smile on my face.
I need to be enough...
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