awkward feelings for today

9/11 is always a weird date.  The world trade centers are always a weird place for me.

My friends always want to go there when they visit, and tour companies always want me to lead tours there.

I always feel awkward because I feel like I'm supposed to feel all these emotions that I just don't feel.  I don't well up with tears at the thought of our fallen heroes.  I don't swell with hate at our enemies.  I don't feel an incredible sense of national pride for how we ROSE ABOVE IT ALL and came out more unified than ever.

I feel like tragedies happen every day - why do we care more about this one than others?

I feel like when we say "never forget" what we mean is "never forget to hate our enemies" of which I believe nothing good will come.  (I mean - maybe they don't deserve to be invited over for a potluck dinner, but remembering to hate is just - not a good thing.)

I feel people prove themselves heroic every day - in many ways.  And they never get recognition.

And I don't feel we rose above it all.  We didn't even initially go after the right people.  We injected ourselves with fear - but gave the Bin Ladens diplomatic immunity.  Our country is far more divided on issues now than it was 11 years ago.  In many ways he was regressed.

Maybe I just feel this way because it was also my dog's birthday.

I also saw how my friends who lived in NYC at the time were effected.  It wasn't pretty.

I do send love and healing thoughts into the world, and I respect people's feelings and emotions - whatever they might be.

And I think it bothers me everyone is posting about it on Facebook and crying and sobbing and "remembering."  By why feel more pride TODAY than any other day. Shouldn't we ALWAYS love our country?  Shouldn't we ALWAYS love our city?  Shouldn't we ALWAYS honor EVERY hero?

It reminds me of a passage from Ibsen's BRAND:

It isn't love of pleasure that is destroying us.
It would be better if it were.
Enjoy life if you will.
But be consistent, do it all the time,
Not one thing one day and another the next.
Be wholly what you are, not half and half.
Everyone now is a little of everything.
A little solemn on Sundays, a little respectful
towards tradition; makes love to his wife after Saturday
Supper; because his father did the same.
A little gay at feasts.  A little lavish
in giving promises, but niggardly
In fulfilling them; a little of everything;
A little sin, a little virtue;
A little good, a little evil; the one
Destroys the other, and every man is nothing.

MoMA

Today I went to the MoMA with a new friend  - then Loralee made us all macaroni and cheese for dinner and that was super fun.  It was a labor day well spent!  (PLUS - it helps new friend gets free admission into MoMA and enjoys taking photos of us imitating statues we see int he sculpture garden!)

Dark River

I haven't posted here for some time, mangily because I've been afraid of what I might post.  My mind hasn't exactly been "happy."  It's actually been way darker than it's been for a very long time, possibly ever.

It is a feeling a failure.  Complete failure at everything.

It is asking, how could I have worked so hard in the past week, been up at 6 a.m. every day, not home until 11 p.m., and still only made $28 for the ENTIRE WEEK.  How is it possible to work for five tour guide companies, 1 pilates studio, and actor's equity, and make $28?  How is it possible to be applying for jobs every week, both theatre and non-theatre, and have the sum total of my effort be - $28?  There are seriously people who beg on the subway that make more money than I do.

It is trying to be thankful that I keep making it so CLOSE to getting theatre work, being overridden by the disappointment of never getting the cigar.  And being frustrated that I don't know WHY.  Every single bit of feedback I've been receiving is exceedingly positive.  Be it my "look," my voice, my acting, my dancing.  It's all positive.  I can't figure it out.  I don't know what I should be doing differently.  What I can be doing differently.  I take classes, I switched coaches, I tried t.v. and film, I try changing songs in my audition book.  Nothing seems to work.  It's just a constant feeling of not being enough.

It is the feeling of being sad because all of my friends are away - out of town - very very out of town. It is the frustration of feeling like everyone else is moving on - and I am still in the same spot, despite my efforts to change and grow.  It's sitting alone on Friday and Saturdays, not having enough money to see a show or a movie, but having no friends in town aside from creepy guys who want you to keep them company while their wives are away.  (WHY ARE GUYS SO CREEPY?)  It's wanting to hang out with Kat, Cara, Courtney, Loralee, Jean-Paul, Reinking, anyone - and having them be in Washginton, Guam, California, Baltimore, Chataqua, LA.  And while I certainly have lots of fun acquaintances - none of them really are in my "group."  None of them are people I feel completely comfortable being ME with  - and I just want my friends.

It's feeling like I've completely failed at any attempt at love.  And wondering why every guy I date wants "more."  Or wants to use me as a "placeholder" until something"better" comes along.  And wondering, why am I not ever it?

It's a strange loneliness of every commenting on how happy and smiley I always am, but feeling this very very very dark undercurrent at all times.  It's weird at equity to be called an "angel from heaven" and "the girl who makes auditioning a pleasure" and to collect so many guy's phone numbers (Many of whom I later learn ARE MARRIED! GAH!) but to be so confused and lost and frustrated.

I wonder why I've spent days and weeks learning tours that I give once a month.  I wonder why I trained in pilates to NEVER be called in to teach.   I wonder why I'm a talented "triple threat" who is without work.  It's accepting I might have to become - gulp - a waitress - and still try to hold my head up high and smile and know that it's because I am in a completely monogamous and undying love affair with the cruel mistress that is theatre - and I think that the fight  for one breath of ecstasy is worth it.  And I can't have it any other way - silly silly girl that I am.

And it's being very sad that there was a time I seemed to make all of my wishes come true - and now being frustrated I can't make any of them come true.  I can't even make my freaking "wish" to work RETAIL AT APPLE come true.  How is that possible?

And yet - every day - I force myself to wake up and go into the fire once more, hoping that it will be the day the magic happens - and a beautiful wish comes true.

Reboot

I'm trying to reboot myself - which is hard to do if you're a human and not a computer.  And Life won't let you actually SHUT OFF then turn back on - and take the necessary time you need to do so.

At any rate - basically I have come to realize I will not get work in the chorus of a regional theatre show.  Why not?  Because there are no union contracts.  Which sucks.  In fact - last night I was offered a NON-EQUITY contract to perform in the Music Man with the BROTHEr of the dude who sings the role of Gandhi in Satyagraha - but of course I couldn't take it because its FREAKING NONEQUITY! (straight offer - didn't even have to auction - director knows me.)  So what I got to do is figure out how to make myself competitive with the girls auditioning for leads.  And figure out HOW to audition for leads.  It's a very strange process. I've learned a lot of strange things.   For starters - my voice is "too good."  Or too big.  Apparently they want "lighter" soprano.  I switched teachers, I didn't feel Mary was giving me what I needed.  So I've gone to a new teacher, who actually accompanied to class series I did back in February.  He plays many auditions (including Phantom of the Opera) so he knows what's up.  He said I was always put in the "maybe" pile - because I walk into the room and have a "quirky ingenue" look, but have this GREAT BIG OPERA VOICE - and the casting directors get confused.  He said it was better than the NO pile, but at the end of the day they'll have 15 "yeses" 15 "maybes" and the rest "nos."  The maybe's will ultimately end up in the no pile.  And the 15 "yeses" get called back.  So - we've been working on "speaking" more than singing - and not scaring the poor casting folk in the ittttty bittttty room with my extremely LOUD voice.  He also we through my book and got rid of all the songs I should NOT be singing, and gave me "replacement" songs that I should be singing, and roles I should be studying. (Some were from musicals I didn't even realize I should be thinking twice about!  Such a Nunsense.)  So this is an adventure - I hope it works.

I'm also auditioning for a master class series with a famous Broadway composer.  A friend of mine suggested it - and I told her I didn't think I was good enough - it was mostly for Broadway performers (no joke - Tony winners in this class.)  She pulled a few strings and got me an audition.  I'm petrified but if I DO get in - it will be a remarkable experience!

I'm also taking a film/t.v. commercial class so I can actual make USE of that old SAG-AFTRA card.  And I've joined monologue and song peer performance groups where we can try and new material and get feedback.  Its actually rather exhausting!  But hopefully there will be fabulous pay-offs.

All of this is while I"m trying to figure out how to piece enough jobs together to support myself - which is WAY more challenging than I feel it should be.  It's a JUNGLE out there!  I real jungle.

Not to mention on a wasted evening or two on bad dates.  I give up on that.  I'm going to marry a corgi.

June - you are weird!

June has been a bizarre month thus far.  It's been filled with a lot of hope - the results of which are yet to come to fruition - and a lot of encounters with reality - and a lot "I need to move ons."  The result of which is me feeling rather lonely and lost on a Saturday night.

There is a lot of hope for magical phone calls and e-mails, but thus far none have come.  And they won't come at 2:16 a.m. on an Saturday night/Sunday morning.

My amazing "Parallel career" looks like it might not be so AMAZING - which is rather disappointing.  Skeevey bosses who take more than 4/5 of the tour income from the guides while complaining how the business doesn't make money (I"m sorry - you make over $1000 a DAY AFTER paying your guides - and you do next to NOTHING except MAYBE answering a few phones and send some e-mails - how does that NOT MAKE MONEY?)  7000 a week on a SLOW week = 364000 a YEAR!  You CANT tell me you are LOSING money on that!  If that's the case - you need to SERIOUSLY rethink your business plan!  And  - I wish he sold what he says he sells - instead of "bending the truth."  It makes me sad.  Other companies are probably even worse.  At least he pays $75 for 90 minutes, other companies pay $12 an hour.  SHeeeeeesh.  Someone - please help me figure out how to make enough money to be happy - but still be able to perform.  Please.  Or just HIRE to me to perform.  I'm really good.  And I'm a triple threat.  My phone should be ringing off the hook!  PLEASE RING DAMN PHONE!  (OR DING E-MAIL BOX!)

Two weeks ago I broke up with a boy who I had been MAYBE nebulously seeing for 6 months.  It was a weird awkward relationship - but in the absence of Kat and Cara and Reinking and most of my friends, he became my best immediately present friend. But was a HORRIBLE boyfriend.  HORRIBLE.  And I couldn't' take it!  I guess I've always dreamed that my boyfriend would take me out to dinner at least ONCE and pay.     Or think of something fun to do - INITIATE a date of ANY KIND - a walk in the park, invite me to a party, take me to a show, go to a comedy club, go canning in central park, walk across the freaking Brooklyn Bridge, ANYTHING, but I had to initiate EVERYTHING - nor did he tell me I was pretty - or attractive- or sexy - or talented - or anything.    Nor did he make SOME sort of gesture that SOMEONE might interpret as somewhat romantic - at all.  This had none of that.  He was awkward and treated people similar to how he treated computers - and as a result lacked the romance and magic I want.  During our break-up - we decided we were better as friends.  His reasoning for not giving me romance was that every girl he HAD given romance to left him and never spoke to him again.  I told him that was ridiculous and I wouldn't do that, but he said he wouldn't give me romance and we should be friends, I said that was fine.  THen he promptly blocked me from everything.  So - er - I guess the reason none of the girls ever spoke to him again was because he blocked them?  At any rate, it just makes me really sad to have lost a friend as well.  And oddly, the only person who seemed to be around for me to cry to was Fat Conductor Man. I sat on his sofa as he made me pasta and I cried.  If someone had been observing they would have found this to be a VERY odd sight indeed.

Of course my old management company decides to bust out its debt collectors as well.  Just making it super fun!

And why won't anyone hire me for anything other than 9-5 jobs?  I keep applying to these jobs saying in my cover letter - can't work 9-5 Mon-Friday  Looking for weekend or evening work.  I'll even APPLY to the VERY SPECIFIC evening/weekend job - but what do I get back?  A letter with SOME excuse for why that job is no longer available, but they'd LOVE to have me in this OTHER position 9-5 Monday -Friday.  REALLY?  THERE IS NOTHING ANYWHERE OTHER THAN WAITRESSING THAT IS NOT 9-5 MONDAY-FRIDAY AND UNFLEXIBLE and AVAILABLE.  This is ridiculous.

RING PHONE RING!

Waiting for magical phone calls once more

When I'm waiting for magical phone calls I can't sleep.  And I can't wake up.  And I can't really focus on much else.  I TRY - but I fail.  I'm waiting for so many different kinds of magical phone calls at the moment I can't keep them straight.  Day Job, Real People Jobs, "Magical" jobs - COME ON SOMEBODY CALL ME! (Or e-mail - your choice!)

And while I APPRECIATE people texting and calling to remind me of dentist appointments or asking me to sign them up for an audition at AEA - all I really want is a JOB!  OF SOME SORT!  APPLE retail to the Bway - right now - I need a lifeboat!   HOJOTOHO HIYA!

Things.

I wish that things would always work out!  Auditions, jobs, relationships.  It just sucks when they don't.  When they DO - there is happiness and glitter and celebrations!  When they don't - there is just this bag of mixed every changing emotions where you stomach used to be, and it makes it hard to be a functional human being that people like being around.  Good thing I have such awesome tolerant friends!

Re: relationship - the thing making me lose sleep - I miss all the things that were good and comfortable. Naturally the moment I broke it off THAT's all I could remember - not the frustrating parts.  Emotions suck.  I wish these things were easy.  I hear stories of true love, where people bring out the best in each other and glow when they see one another, they encourage and support one another and make life monumentally better.  I see them doing super sweet nice things for one another and working together as a team and building upon each other's ideas!  I even see my own brother capable of doing this!  And yet I, in my ENTIRE LIFE, have never been able to make this happen.  I don't know if it's the fact I work in theatre, or my "passions" are strange (HEY! I LIKE HOCKEY!), or that there is something fundamentally wrong with me - incapable of being in a functional relationship - and it seems like a cruel joke that I believe so strongly in fairy tales and live in this operatic Shakespearean fantasy, yet in real life, have never experienced love or a functional relationship.

BUT - I have experienced a lot of other SUPREMELY wonderful things.  I've seen great astronomical events with a NASA scientist, I've worked as an equity actor, I assistant directed for my hero of heroes, I worked with the RSC, I shook hands with Salman Rushdie, traveled Europe, had a great education, been on a t.v. set, pet a giraffe, gone to a Broadway opening night part for a SHOW I WORKED ON, won a haiku contest, directed many plays, figure skated and drove a zamboni, been a news correspondent at the Olympics (Figure skating specialist), seen the Daily Show get filmed, Seen Niagra Falls, gone to the beach, laughed with amazing friends, and much more that I'm sure I could remember were I not so tired.  I've had so much magic for which I'm thankful for.  So many things that HAVE worked out.   I know life is a mix of good and bad, and I just hope I have more good than bad and that I know it!

And that one day --- I might find --- "the one."

YAY sappy love entry.

The End.

Real People Days

Today I passed my tour guide licensing exam (Which was the MOST ridiculous needlessly difficult impossible to study for exam on the history of the planet, I think it MIGHT top my senior year economics class of UM in needlessly difficult!), point being I can now apply for tour guide jobs throughout the city!  HOOOOORAH!  REAL PEOPLE THINGS!

I also taught a pay what you can pilates class and made $40  - which I consider an accomplishment!

And made a "real blog" post (over at my other "professional" blog.)

Got my logos for my dog walking business - so I can now design my website!

AND tomorrow I shall monitor then watch Venus transit in front of the sun!  WOOOOHOOOO!

Being a real person is hard!  BUt I'm glad I've found a series of things I actually really enjoy DOING!  I love interacting with people and helping people learn and being on my feet interacting.  Hopefully I can make this all work!

June!

May was a marathon!  Studying for tour guiding, trying to put together a VERY small dog walking company, working/training as an AEA monitor, auditioning, and doing La Traviata and Pinafore in Rep.!   I'm surprised I found any time to sleep!  I'm glad it's June and looking forward to summer adventures!

Baby steps

When you're so incredibly eager for life to TAKE OFF - it's hard to take baby steps - but those baby steps are very important towards building a solid foundation.  I feel like this past month has been all about baby steps.  I took the baby steps towards getting my tour guide license - (I hope to take the test Friday and I have my Peter Stuyvesant Tour "audition" on Tuesday.)  I took baby steps by training to be an equity monitor - which pays a "stipend" and helps me meet a lot of people and learn from them.  I took a managing your cash flow class that will - in theory - help me manage income once I actually GET income.  My blog was discovered by a major Broadway website (Not this blog - the other "professional one) - and they will be running a special on it and me in "a few weeks."  Hopefully once Amore is over I can start "Pay what you can" classes to go along with the blog.  I've looked into how to start my won (VERY low key) pet sitting business - just so if a friends knows a friend who needs an over night dog sitter - they can go to my website and see my rates - which I plan on making competitive!  (Man - I feel like I've been MASSIVELY jipped every time I dog sat the demon dogs!  Most pet sitting businesses charge $40 a NIGHT PER DOG!!!!!!!!  I got paid something like $100 for two weeks!  I figure I can get insured and set real prices and hopefully every now and then pick up an extra $40 for taking care of someone's roo.  I've secured a LITTLE funding for the cabaret Loralee and I want to do and have put together bits and pieces of a potential "Script" for it.  I've learned A LOT about how treat MYSELF like a business!  (business cards, thank you/follow up cards, newsletters, how to audition, how to deal with callbacks, how to deal with audition sides, etc...)  I've also learned that I CAN'T accept a non-paying/non-union that I can't be proud inviting industry to  - even if it IS for my BELOVED OPERA with a dozen of a my besets friends.  It's too time consuming and my time needs to be spend on my REAL CAREER(s).  

So this month has been slightly frustrating as I'm ready for everything to be OFF THE GROUND - but I think some very important steps were taken towards GETTING them off the found next month - and smooth sailing for July building up a solid "parallel career base" until my unemployment runs out in August.  Then it's sink or swim and hopefully I'll be swimming!

Cake

Today I bought a cake, that was way too expensive really for me to buy, but I bought it for my very good friend's birthday, who was trying to celebrate while we were having our final tech rehearsal for LA TRAVIATA.   So I bought this cake from a famous Italian Bakery (Venieros) which is right near the theatre.  After rehearsal all of my friends friends went to a pub, where we ate this cake, and shared it with the waitstaff who generously gave us dishes and utensils, and free shots.  (The cook came out and when we offered her a piece almost looked like she was about to cry of happiness!  It was so sweet!)  And I'll tell you what - every penny I spent on that cake was well well WELL worth it because for 30 minutes it brought so much delicious happiness to so many people!  And I think it helped make my friend's birthday very special and happy and "most marvelous."  YAY CAKE!

stream of conscious entry about new perspectives.

I feel like I've been looking at my career/careers from a new perspective lately - or MANY new perspectives.  The Actors Work Fund is an absolutely invaluable resource.  I wish all actors would take advantage of it.  Obviously - in the ideal world  - I'd jump from Broadway contract to Broadway contract, but, at least at this moment, that is not my reality.  So - they give me the tools I need to be a "real person" which I HOPE will also help with auditioning -because instead of NEEEEEDING THE JOB - I can walk in super relaxed and let the JOB NEED ME!  THis is by having fun sustainable jobs that invigorate me so if I don't get cast - I'll still be o.k.  Of course, it takes some time to build this career up, and my "parallel career counselor" keeps telling me to be patient, so I gotta breath.  But it's nice to know there are people who will help me, for FREE, figure out health care plans  that can work for me, and manage my money, and help me network and learn computer skills, etc...  It also has opened up new ways that I look at myself and work on audition material - and dancing (THANK YOU LISA G. NEW DANCE TEACHER EXTRAORDINAIRE!) - get and vocal coachings - and I even started writing the skeleton outline script for the cabaret Loralee and I keep TALKING about doing but never DO!  (I figure if I put it together - she'll just join in.)  I'm actually rather excited by the new ideas that have rattled out of my brain this past week!  I feel like such an entrepreneur!  (When I met with my parallel career counselor - that seemed to be the thing she was really impressed about too - and really encouraging.  She LOVED all of my tour guiding ideas - and was like - if you created that thing with the RSC you can create ANYTHING!) AND - reading Mindy Kalings book really showed me how putting on a little two person Cabaret can launch a career if done right to showcase your talents.  So that's entrepreneurial as well I suppose!  So - I hope this positive creative entrepreneurial energy continues and turns into something wonderful and happy!:)

Tour Guiding

I know it's far from perfect - and I've yet to actually lead a tour - all I've done is shadow and study thus far - but I'm actually extremely excited about tour guiding.  First off - it pays better  per hour than any other "survival job" I've had thus far.  Second of all - the hours are NOT DURING AUDITIONS, flexible in that its easy to find a cover and you tell the boss your availability, AND you can go off and create your own tours and be your own boss.  AND - if you get your official NY tour guide license - you can work for as many companies as you wish.  BUT - more importantly - it actually combines my two strengths/passions - HISTORY and PERFORMING.  (and in a way - directing, as you direct your own tour.)  I actually always have really loved studying history and researching history.  And then - to share this with other people via a 90 minute improvised monologue - that's just cool!  I'm having so much fun studying up on New York history and lore!  I love seeing the people on the tour get extremely excited about the history.  It's interesting meeting them all and hearing their stories - and seeing which historical figures and events really get them excited!  (Who know Hamilton Fish's third floor pipe organ would be one man's passion!  The ghost tours are particularly interesting, because one every tour, a few attendees have their own ghost encounters.  Now - I'm not really a believer in ghosts - but it's interesting hearing everyone's encounters!  One girl apparently is constantly haunted by a ghost who pinches her butt!  Another lady thinks she sees and hears her father playing piano at night.  Others see "orbs" in all of their photos.  Some have light switches go on and off like crazy with no explanation.  I can think of scientist explanations for everything aside from the butt pinching ghost, but I enjoy seeing them explain their experiences with such conviction. And who knows, maybe they exist.  "There are more things in heaven and earth Horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy!"  (Hamlet)  At any rate, I'm actually very excited about this survival job, and for the first time, I don't feel as though I'm in helpless despair about my financial future!  I might actually have found a job resource that makes me feel invigorated and excited and if I'm lucky, might, just might, pay the bills and let me still have time to audition!  Knock on wood!

time off and regrouping

Audition "season" is over - I put "season" in "" because there are ALWAYS auditions - just sometimes there are 7 a day - and sometimes there is 1 a week. We're closer the 1-3 a week phases now - which is o.k. - that's when I booked MFL. So we'll see what happens.

I'm taking the opportunity to learn things and figure things out - and these past two weeks I feel have been very successful! I found a new dance class that is helping me find a new audition technique which will hopefully help me be more successful at dance auditions! I'm excited to try it out tomorrow and the rest of this week!

I also discovered the Actors Fund Work Program - which will allegedly help me find a meaningful and fulfilling "parallel" career to my theatre career - as well as give me the tools to do so. I'm meeting with my very own person "Parallel Career" counselor in two weeks (that was the soonest they could manage) - but in the mean time, I went to a "job search" seminar where they taught us the proper way to make "real world resumes" and how to conduct ourselves in "real world interviews." I coincidentally HAVE a real world interview Saturday - for a tour guide job - but still.

I've also been working as an equity monitor for which you aren't paid - but receive a "stipend." That has been an interesting experience and a decent way to pick up a little extra cash. I've learned A LOT about he union and how auditions are run and WHY they are run the way they are run, which somehow makes the entire process less mysterious and makes me less up in arms about everything I thought was wrong. I also get to "pre sign" for 1 EPA for every full monitor shift I do - which means ---- I DONT HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 6 a.m. and wait not he sidewalk! It helps just a little!:)

Amore asked me to audition for one of their leads this weekend. Lol. I HIGHLY doubt I got it - as I had less than 24 hours to prepare an aria IN ITALIAN for them - which I have NEVER done before! But I had fun - and I guess I at least PERFORMED it well - because I got a huge standing ovation and large round of applause when I had finished - which I have NEVER seen happen at any audition really. I felt very triumphant. The aria was QUANDO MEN VO - which is a very funny aria - and I guess I'm good at being funny! lol. (Knock on wood.)

Still confused on how to actually get an agent - since these "pay to plays" which re allegedly designed to help people without showcases get an agent - to the best of my knowledge- aren't really looking. I looked at a few of the studios who offer "Pay to Plays' "success stories" sections on their websites - and was very discouraged to see that ALL of the success stories were in the aria of film and t.v. and webisodes. I didn't see ONE success story for musical theatre and only 1 for a straight play - which was the staged reading of a show. WHAT TO DO? I've been considering taking a "stage to screen" class - and maybe have SOME hope to get some commercial or under 5 work or SOMETHING. Because this is just getting silly - no equity contracts - no one signing - no way for NONequity to get seen - has to be SOMETHING I can do to get hired and/or slip throughout the cracks. Hopefully new dance audition technique will help - and working on a LOT of new music - so I can really zero in effectively on each singing audition and maybe get me some lead roles!

And in the mean time - get into shape, physically, emotionally, and vocally!:)

funny books.

Whenever I get into a funk and pick up a funny book - things seem to brighten up. I guess humor cures the soul. It also probably helps that my "funny books" are usually written by tremendously successful women in comedy like Tina Fey. This week - it's Mindy Kaling - who's show - the office - I've never actually seen, but her book sure is funny. (I HAVE seen her in movies, however, so I'm not completely unfamiliar with her.) These funny authors always seem to succeed through hard work, determination, and INGENUITY. They make their quirks their strengths and slip in some circuitous round about way. And - they keep on keeping on. And laugh the entire time while doing it! Suddenly all the situations I was angsty about become hilariously funny. Mindy Kaling wrote her own play since no plays existed for her type. She showcased her talents and then became - "the perfect amount of famous." Kinda lights a fire under my bum to get me to actually CREATE something. A cabaret whether it be with my roomie or just me. Signed up for some pay to play agent meetings. Signed up for model mayhem - which was MOSTLY to stroke my vanity - hoping some amazing photographer would want to take pictures of me dancing on the beach - but also you can occasional get paid print gigs. My dancer friends said photographers just LOOOOOOVE dancers because they can leap and twirl. Well I'll happily leap and twirl. And I actually think monitoring will help. You DO get to actually interact with and get to know the casting directors and directors and the like. So maybe being a familiar face will make them remember my abundant talent as well!: ) So in theory - and fingers crossed - things are on the up and up! (KNOCK ON WOOD!:))

Books

One nice thing about monitoring is, I get to catch up on some reading! Sometimes I forget how nice books can be.

a wish. and a vent. And a wish.

I'm scared. I'm really very very very scared. I'm scared of being poor. I'm scared of no one hiring me. I'm scared that I won't get enough work to qualify for insurance after my MFL insurance runs out. I'm scared that I'll never get hired again. I'm scared that I don't know why I'm cut from dance calls. I'm scared of not being able to figure "it" out - how to support myself AND audition. I'm scared I'll always be frustrated. I'm scared I'll never have stability. I'm scared I'll never be able to buy myself a Burberry coat. I'm scared I overestimated my talent. I'm scared of having a "real people job." I'm scared of being an adult.

I'm upset I was cut from a final callback I should not have been cut from today. I'm upset that people who I think are not nice people play the political game so well. I'm upset that I don't have a job. I'm upset I have given my all and more and have nothing to show for it except an empty container of ice emotional from an emotional eating fest. I'm upset that I know my ballet technique is the BEST of the girls who I am constantly called back with but for whatever reason I can't let it show. I'm upset that I feel I always need to be better.

I miss the days where nothing mattered and everything was fun. I miss the days where I was awesome and I was just a barrel full of amazing potential and promise. I wish that being ready willing and able was enough. I wish that I didn't have to worry about contract and how many equity and non equity contracts are available, what's pre-cast, how man insurance weeks something gives, what the puzzle pieces are, who has local housing, etc... I just want to be happy. And carefree. And to have dreams come true. Please job fairy - come my way. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I WISH I MAY I WISH I MIGHT HAVE THE WISH I WISH TONIGHT! When you wish upon a star and a dream is a wish your heart makes - faith trust pixie dust - JOB! PLEASE! HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I am an incredibly strong dancer/singer/actress - HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Second star to the right, north star, Orion Nebula, twinkle twinkle little star - HIRE ME!

Audition Ninja

This week I was an audition NINJA!!!!!!! I somehow managed to make it to every audition I needed to except 1 this week - which SOUNDS like it wouldn't be a ridiculous feat - EXCEPT there were 6 auditions every day - IN DIFFERENT BUILDINGS some 12 blocks apart! I was running through times square IN my ballet cloths! But no one stared because there were weirder things happening around me! No matter what - I feel awesome about it! And hopefully the end result will be some MAGICAL PHONE CALLS!!!! ( touch wood.) YAY POSITIVE ENERGY INTO THE UNIVERSE!

Oh yeah - and I even found time to go to an astronomy club meeting where I got to see the rings of Saturn through telescope! It was amazing!

Half birthday.

Today is my half birthday. On my REAL birthday I turned 30 - something that most people seem to fear, but I really didn't. In fact a lot of things fell into place when I turned 30. I finally got an equity performing job. I got closure with the RSC. I got a fabulous living arrangement. But as all neat little packages do - things started to fall apart a little - so at this half way mark to my next birthday - I'm going to get things back in line.

A - no more nutella sandwiches. Really - it's getting a little ridiculous.

B - I need to make getting an agent a priority. I need to find their open calls. I need to find their pay to play classes. I need to network and write letters. I say I'm not good at "networking" - then my friend C pointed out - alright Ms. Stalk Rovert Nnun and get a job on Broadway - I don't buy that for a second. Fair enough.

C - Must get at least THREE songs in my book that can count as belting. You know. For those days you go to a dance call - get kept - are standing in line to sing - and are told they want 16 bars of country gospel. Which definitely happened last week.

D - Goal is - if I don't have a performing job - be teaching at least 3 pilates classes a week by the time my unemployment runs out - so I can apply to actual pilates studios and actually make - money.

E- must find survival jobs. Ushering. Catering. Merchandise Selling. Whatever.

F - Loralee and I NEED to put on our cabaret in the next 6 months.

G - I must believe in myself as much as I did over the summer. Grateful for the good things that come my way. And happy to accept and overcome the challenges I encounter along the way. The heights of great men were not reached by sudden flight, but while their companions slept toiled upward in the night.

We are number 1 - all others are number 2 or lower

This was a very trying week. Lots of auditions that threw lots of very frustrating curve balls. (I.e. - going in to audition for FIDDLER and being given the choreography to A CHORUS LINE. Here's the thing with A Chorus Line. There are girls who LIVE for a Chorus Line -and every production of A Chorus Line has the same choreography and the same exact audition combination. There are many workshops to perfect this combination. Girl who LIVE for Chorus Line train this combination constantly. I do not. So - I really have no shot at all of going in for this musical. FIDDLER however - I do.) (I.e. #2 - two accompanists who could not play my music. Or more precisely one who COULD not - and one who WOULD not. The one who WOULD not - decided he didn't like the arrangement of my music, didn't play the measures he disagreed with, took my music OUT of my binder - wrote on it IN PEN - notes that HE liked - and said "people have been messing this up for years." Then sent me on my way. Um - EXCUSE ME - it's NOT your job the approve or disapprove of my music - and certainly to just NOT PLAY measures you don't like DURING my audition. If anything, do the rearranging BEFORE and WARN ME. GRRRRRRRRRRR!) And lots of very early mornings waiting out on sidewalks for two hours before buildings opened. (To be met with accompanist who just don't want to play my music apparently.) And very few words of encouragement from the "other side of the table." very few signs they are even hiring. Or looking. Or considering. Insecurities run rampant inside my brain! Super fun all around. I'd really like some good news on the professional front about now. Hello? Anyone there? PLEASE?

On the other hand - I've seen a lot of really great free or incredibly cheap theatre in the most unexpected placed. Friends who do equity showcases (which I get in for free with my card!) that are actually really good! It makes me proud to be their friend and happy to see great "fringe" theatre and new work being done! I've discovered comedy/improv at place like UCB and The Pit and The Magnet where for a mere $5 you get a evening of silliness and fun. AEA sometimes gives out free tickets so I get to see SIERRA tomorrow in an off-Broadway show - which I'm obviously very excited about.

I've also made some new friends who are awesome - and reconnected with some old friends - lots of Woman in White friends coming out of the woodwork which is really nice for me! One got me involved in a charity singing organization. It doesn't pay but it's nice to sing in a pressure free environment for people who just think you are the cat's pajamas!

And I rewatched Mystery Men. Because sometimes you just need to remember that we are number 1 - all others are number 2 or lower. And when you doubt your powers - you give powers to your doubts. And that you must lash out with every limb, like an octopus who plays the drums!:)

COME BACK CALLBACKS!

Where have all my callbacks gone!? Over the summer I got so many! Where are they!? COME BACK! I MISS YOU!

The good news is I've seen a lot of really fabulous theatre over the past few weeks. Very inspiring theatre! And hopefully one day - one day VERY SOON! I'll be IN an inspiring piece of theatre myself!

Lent

Well it's Lent. I'm not very religious - I'm definitely not Catholic - but I do think I need to give up some things to be happy and productive.

1 - I MUST give up obsessively checking audition update.com - it just causes angst and sadness and instead of focusing on the work I can be doing now towards reaching my goals - it makes me obsess over things in the past that I can't change or alter. I need to audition and then FORGET about it - and not dwell. Dwelling makes me sad.

2 - I must stop trying to change the system to fit me - and make myself either fit the system or work around the system.

3- I must stop criticizing myself and others so much and be supportive and positive. It's not for me to judge who is good or bad or deserves success. All I can do is focus on ME and work on making ME the best ME possible!

4-I must stop denying that I am not a kid - and grow up. Work. Fill out paperwork. Make phone calls. etc...

Mary says this is the year of being tested - and I can either be beaten down and turn bitter and lose or rise to the challenge willingly and cheerfully - do the work - do the work well - and plant seeds for the future! SO! Here I can - preparing myself ready for the good fight - with positive thoughts, a smile, faith, trust, and pixie dust!

voicey things

It always feels good when you walk out of the audition room and a boy standing in line says: "How does THAT voice come out of THAT body?" and then stares in wonder as you walk away. (I'm ASSUMING here that of course - he pictured a big fat opera singer singing behind the door! lol. But who knows!)

It also feel nice to hear the casting director running the audition seminar say you have a really "present" voice that is a "true gift." Now --- if only I could do something about that acting........(I'm fine in SCENES - in the weird 16 bars cut in an empty room that I always have trouble with - but we're making progress! Always aiming to become better than before!)

things I have learned the past few weeks

These past few weeks have been incredible learning experiences for me. A lot of lessons learned "the hard way." Some the not so hard way I suppose. Some just don't make sense.

For example - the entire way unemployment works - which I would expound upon but it's probably not wise to in an on-line blog.

How equity contracts work. How the union works - or doesn't work.

How extremely qualified I am to do so many things that happen between the hours of 9a.m. and 5 p.m. - and yet for some ridiculous reason I choose to not do them because I have the cockananyed idea I should work in THEATRE - and would rather take crap jobs that don't pay anything than do something that has integrity and pays - while waiting for ALL the stars to align correctly for my next big job. I never knew I was so qualified. Sometimes I wonder if I'm idiot for not just doing it. I probably am an idiot.

That apparently no work gets done after 5 p.m.

Applying in person is way better than sending in a letter.

I learned that boys are INSANE! And sometimes - they stalk you - and think they are dating you - and accuse you of cheating on them - event though you went on ONE DATE three weeks ago with them - had not fun - and haven't spoken to them since. (OBVIOUSLY - the only reason I would not talk to them is because I am CHEATING on them in this fake relationship they've created!) I also learned that in their minds - NO means - ask again in five minutes - or NO means - she actually means yes. Which I find highly disturbing.

I've also learned how incredibly kind people can be - and helpful. And how mean and selfish and insecure they can be.

I've learned a lot about my strengths as a performer - and my "type" - and what makes casting directors excited. I've learned a LOT of new music. And how difficult it is to TRULY learn the new music - not MUSICALLY - but textually! For someone as obsessed with the text of Shakespeare as I am - I've done a pretty darn crappy job of textually analyzing the lyrics of my audition songs! The workshop I'm doing taught me that - and taught me that when I DO analyze and apply - I can be pretty darn special! HOW COULD I - OF ALL PEOPLE - IGNORE THE TEXT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I've learned how important physical activity is for me - pilates can fix a back spasm.

I've learned that I can actually teach an hour long pilates class successfully.

I've learned that shows you did three years ago and contacts you made then - really CAN come back and help you in the future.

I've learned you can't change how people behave - you can only change how you react and deal with it.

That talent and being an awesome person don't always go hand in hand - but sometimes they do - and that is a wonderful thing!

I'm horrible at being an adult and need to get better.

I have a severe dislike of morning people.

That I have some pretty darn wonderful friends.

Trout

You have to love Trouters - my very strange - bizarre - unconventional - guardian angel...he ALWAYS knows when to e-mail...

The Equity Curse

Something MUST be down about the equity curse. It is just plain STUPID that you need your card to audition - and then it PREVENTS you from getting work.

I have my own stories of woe - TWO from this week! BANGS HEAD ON TABLE! (and I was told to not even AUDITION for the next (in July) "equity" production of Westchester because there are not "equity" contacts. Um....how can you be an "equity" production with not "equity" contracts? - granted the production is one I would NEVER be in because it's a big belty tappy everything I don't do musical - but still!)

But also - THREE GIRLS IN MY CAST now have the same problem. Two girls were offered roles in Westchester's July production (That only runs for three weeks), but only if they DONT take their equity card, which they are supposed to receive from the theatre on Thursday, and another girl was offered a role in one of the shows I was in final callbacks for - under the stipulation she doesn't take her card until September when that show is over - so she will be working for $300 a week before taxes for 5 months! If she TOOK her card as planned - they would take away her contract. Um - this is stupid. Just plain old stupid. And how does one fix this? I have no idea! But - if I have time once MY FAIR LADY closes - i'm gonna be getting my butt to those equity meetings held on our two show days - and I'm gonna speak my mind and try to find a solution - because being int he union should NOT PREVENT you from getting work!

GRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRRR! I am filled with frustration and rage over this!

At the very least I ask - that the production PLEASE at least post in their auditions if there are or are not equity contracts available! I mean - one girl in my cast was kept for 8 hours at an audition - after the audition -t he producer said - I see you're getting your equity card at the end of the week - is that true? Girl said yes - producer said: "Oh, sorry." That was it! I mean - DONT KEEP THE GIRL FOR 8 HOURS IF YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T GOING TO USE HER!

And let's not forget about that time I paid $250 on coaching for the Guenevere understudy in Camelot only to have the producer tell me there were no equity contracts! WHAT! You couldn't have told me that BEFORE asking me to learn two new songs and a very long set of sides?

COME ON PEOPLE! If someone is going to call out of work, skip a class, dedicate a day, spend money, etc... on an audition - you should at least be HIRING!!!!!!!!!!

Grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble...

I'm gonna go work for NASA.

gah!

Today I was offered money for sex - TWICE. By two different men. Ummmmm - do I LOOOOOK LIKE A PROSTITUTE? Do I dress like one? Do I ACT like one? Yes I need a job. NO! I'm not THAT desperate!

scary callback

It's always a bit disturbing to find out you were just in final callbacks with members of the BROADWAY COMPANY OF PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

I don't know whether to just be REALLY happy I was in their company - or really upset because --- I haven't been in Broadway's Phantom...or any Phantom for that matter....or any Broadway for that matter as a performer.

BLARGH! I hope they hire me even though I've not been in Broadway's Phantom!!!!!!! I'm still awesome - right?

I go to bed now...

In the first two days.

Well in the first two days of the New Year I have...

eaten a lot of pizza.

Studied the solar system rather intensely the NASA NYC representative at the Natural History Museum and the Carl Sagan series he recommended.

Wrote my proposal to take over the RSC.

Well - gotta keep yourself busy somehow.