Productivity!

Today was actually productive for once! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Obviously I went to dance class - always productive.  But more importantly - A)Me and my composer friend actually had a conversation about GIRAFFES CANT DANCE - so that may actually start going someplace now!  And B) My fellow work study/floor buffing buddy Charlie and I have decided to have a showcase so we can show agents how super fierce we are - and get appointments for auditions - so we are actually seen - then get hired to be big Broadway stars.  Charlie has a BEAUTIFUL deep voice, and I have a beautiful soprano voice, so its alllll good!:)  It started because we were working together and discovered we look just like Sebastian and Ariel!  And sing like them too!  So - we are going to have so much fun putting our showcase together and being the stars we are!

No Maroddities were found, or even searched for, but everyone I tell the idea to thinks its cool, and I'm going to have fun doing it!  And hey, maybe one day I can make a play out of it!  The way Marley and Me became a book/ became a movie!:)

Oh the paths we wander.

Think think think

So - I've been a bit frustrated with my productivity levels lately.  It's not that I've not been TRYING to be productive, but the state of the world is making productivity difficult.  Few jobs, lots of hopefuls, no money, etc... And alas - I seem to have no interest in doing anything the world diems useful - or at least - worth its money.

So I've been thinking about what non-theatre job might appeal to me on some level.  Journalism keeps rearing its head.  I love weird news stories.  I spend hours on the internet searching for tales of glow in the dark kittens, found meteor bits, newly discovered fish species with see -through heads, balsamic vinegar thieves, run away zambonis, etc... I love books about Pluto, or how Longitude was Discovered, Freakonomics, The Radioactive Boyscout, etc... And I love learning!  I feel journalism would be a fabulous way to keep learning about life's funny quirks and miracles and potentially make moo-la.  And it will be fabulous.

So I was looking at journalism grad programs in NYC (because I'd LOVE to stay in NYC and continue to audition - one day jobs may even open up!) and talking to Matt-choo about the idea.  He suggested I start my own blog and try writing stories myself - try writing for free - see if I like it or if I'm any good at it.  So - I've decided - in my spare unproductive time - I'm gonna become an unofficial journalist!  Matt-choo and I decided my blog should be called maroddities.  And I shall scour the planet for funny yet educational stories - worth of the "ig-nobel" prize (Google it) or Darwin Awards (google it) or just - fun entertainment!  I'm excited.

This is also good because the deadline has passed for all the Fall 2009 applications, so it will give me practical in the field experience for the Fall 2010 applications!  Hoooray!

In non-journalist news - 

Today - infamous ballet teacher and I - had a - gasp - conversation - and it was FUN!  Hooray!

And I learned - AUSTRALIAN ice cream is not nearly as good as GROM.  SIGH - Grom and yumiko leotards may just be my life's true loves.  

HAPPY MARDI GRAS!

Last night - as you could probably tell - I was rather - er - um - depressed?

Well - waking up was indeed hard - but I wanted to assure everyone today was most marvelous.

Amanda, Casey, and I had a fabulous ballet class together.  The teacher (yes infamous teacher) was in top form telling us stories and FINALLY helping me with my spastic arms.  I was doing triple pirouettes, and - well - the class isnt at Steps - so I can avoid all evilness - its at this other much smaller studio.  There are only about 7 people in the class, so you feel as though you are getting a private lesson.  Everyone in the class is super nice.  Amanda brought me EAST OF EDEN of to read as my next book.

Then - it was MARDI GRAS!   YAY CELEBRATION!  Jean-Paul, Kat, Casey, and I went to Dallas BBQ were we - ate and drank like college students and had fabulous fun conversations.  JP is gonna get me to sheet music to "AM I IN YOUR LIGHT" from Doctor Atomic, so I can join in his Juilliard friend opera jams!  (Speaking of singing, when I came home to practice my singing - I FINALLY BELTED PART OF YOUR WORLD!  FINALLY!!!! AND IT WAS FIERCE!  OH JOY OH RAPTURE UNFORSEEN!)  We came home, yelled HAPPY MARDI GRAS out the window, then watched Buffy.  

It was technically unproductive in the sense, I didnt get a job nor did write assistant directing letters, but I did get really good dance help and learned to belt, and - was put in a much much better mood!  That's always good!:)

Beckett

My current facebook status is a Beckett quote:  "To find a form that accommodates the mess, that is the task of the artist now."

I have made a mess.  I am trying to find a form to accommodate it.

I keep making all these allegories in my head to my mess - Florinda of Visigothic Spain, Hilde in "The Master Builder," hell even Buffy in season three of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  In that season - Buffy laments to Willow: "I think horrible is still coming.  Right now, it's worse.  Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying."

Buddha once wrote:

Do not pursue the past.

Do no lose yourself in the future.

The past no longer is.

The future has not yet come.

Looking deeply at life as it is

in the very here and now,

the practitioner dwells

in stability and freedom.

We must be diligent today.

To wait until tomorrow is too late.

I do spend way too much of my life pursuing the past.  I'm not sure why - perhaps there is some comfort in it.  Perhaps I'm trying to figure out what went wrong.  Or what went right.  In this case - it all began with a lie --- it seemed a harmless enough lie.  It involved a person - three years ago - refusing to give me their phone number.  What I didnt know was - this lie was only the beginning of an impenetrable jungle of lies that I would try to hack through for a  better part of my life over the next few years.  

Now it feels every day, the mess gets worse and worse and worse and worse. 

The worst part is - I have no one who I can talk to about it -because everyone just gets mad that I'd be upset about such a blatant asshole.  To that - I refer - stupidly - to Julie Jordan in Carousel.  Sometimes its possible for someone to hit you very hard, and have it not hurt at all.

But hell, even Billy Bigelow had his redeeming qualities.  This one - I'm not so sure does...

But hey - let's see - went bowling with Amanda, ate puppy chow with Casey and Davin, watched a lot of Buffy with Kat, ate crazy Asian food with Phil and the Europeans, am now being stalking by friends overprotective scary mother, watched the Oscars - go Beyonce and Hugh Jackman, have discovered a new ballet teacher who kicks my butt and makes me turn out, finished reading my book about Pluto - need a new book - met Giles from Buffy, Kat was eternally happy, bought a new Yumiko leotard because they make ME eternally happy, and that's really about it - had pancakes for lunch.

I need a new book - suggestions?  I think Amanda is bringing me East of Eden.

Now - a closing Beckett quote: Where I am I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know.  I can't go on.  I'll go on."

Exciting Two Days

The past few days have been filled with wonder and excitement.  Alright - perhaps I'm using the art of hyperbole, but I have done some cool things.  I went the to MOMA - where I was THRILLED to see they were borrowing my favorite painting from the TATE in London - Cy Twombly's Leda and the Swan.  My face just lit up as I went running to it.  It was nice to have that sort of glee again upon seeing an image of any sort.  I was also excited to see Rothkos and Pollocks.  Their special exhibit was by Marlene Dumas.  Personally, I found the exhibit void of emotion, but Amanda seemed to think it was the most stimulating collection of paintings she had ever seen, so I suppose there was a lot in it.  Amanda is one of the most incredible people I have ever met, and her brain works very differently than mine, but in a complimentary manner.  She sees things from a very modern, down to earth, woman power perspective, with an eye for TRUE contemporary art that is pushing the boundaries.  I tend to have a more classical dreamy idealistic outlook.  So its great to discuss art, literature, and life with her.  

I also saw the movie CORALINE which was very beautiful, not the most intellectually intriguing movie, but the animation was chock full of Tim Burton imagination - and perhaps some video game influence.  I swear I was put into wii nintendo's Legend of Zelda for the last half hour. 

 Today I went to the museum of sex with Casey and Davin.  It was surprisingly educational.  I guess I had never CONSCIOUSLY wondered about things such as - how do banana slugs reproduce, and what could a Dolphin use its blowhole for besides - you know - breathing - but it was fascinating to find out.  There was also an intriguing exhibit about sexuality in film, which documented how audiences viewed sex, sexy, and scandal throughout the ages.  I'm not sure I learned anything I didnt know before, but it was interesting to see it all displayed chronologically.  Then - the exhibits got a bit scary, with "real dolls" and what not.  

Then I went to see my friend Laura Ovcjak perform.  She is a musical genius and everyone who can should check out her myspace page, www.myspace.com/lauraovcjak and hear her beautiful beautiful music.  She has such a joyous spirit and it just pours out on stage.  I can't wait until her c.d. comes out so I can listen to her music on my iphone!:)  YOU GO LAURA!  Her concert was so much fun, I went with a bunch of friends.  After she performed, a bluegrass trio went on - and they were amazing as well.  I would never have thought to go see a bluegrass trio on my own, but their music was very calming, yet fun, I wish I could have gotten up and danced to it!  we were all so pleasantly surprised.  Nothing like enjoying live buegrass while munching on the venues freshly made chocolate chip cookies!

Then we all went out to a pub, which I havent done in FOREVER.  It felt so amazing!  Jean-Paul brought his friends, one of whom is now in nursing school.  It was great to talk to him about his experiences ACTUALLY saving lives (as opposed to running around pretending to be Batman) and basically just have good old fashioned fabulous conversations over drinks and nachos!

And Jean-Paul is going to help me make a video to send to casting directors, since I"m not actually SEEN at any auditions, I figures I'd just accost them.  If there is one thing I'm good at, its stalking!   So I'll weasle my way in somehow.  No word from the Lincoln Center ushering people.  Big Sad Face.  But I shall keep on hoping!  I'm STRONG OF HOPE!:)

Additionally - Casey, Amanda, Davin, and I have been having FABULOUS lunches where yumminess is consumed and Amanda teaches us about all these crazy contemporary European Architects and filmakers we never heard of - and I quote Shakespeare - haha.  We also inevitably end up visiting book stores - we al bought books today and are excitedly discussing them.  Both Amanda and I are reading THE PLUTO FILES about how Pluto was demoted and Davin is reading a book about the first dome build in Italy.  It is super fun to compare facts and what we learned.  Davins late night fact was a bit morbid however - to make way for the courtyard of santa maria del fiore...they had to dig up bodies because there was a cemetary upon the place where they wished to build.  

Good times good times.  Trying to get over a very deep hurt, but there are fabulous people around to help, so its all gonna be alright!  And it is great to be intellectually stimulated again!:) Evil plots are abounding!:)

Valentine's Day

In retrospect, today will have been an amazing and ironic Valentines Day - however at the moment it feels on the bitter side of bitter sweet.  

I got to sleep in, then I was awakened by my phone ringing.  It was an old male friend who at one point I was madly in love with, asking if I wanted to grab lunch.  I DID want to grab lunch, but alas, I had promised Casey I would attend ballet with her, so I had to decline.  Me and said boy made plans for Monday night instead.  I'm a little curious as to why said male decided to call TODAY - but I'll pretend it is purely serendipitous.

Ballet class was the first time Casey and I had taken class TOGETHER with Batman.  Before we arrived at the dance studio, we had agreed to be each other's Valentines - and grab lunch and cupcakes after class.  Class was awkward, wonderful, torturous, and victorious all at the same time.  Mainly, we danced fabulously, and Batman left twenty minutes early - feigning a limp - after he attempts at standing behind us and rapping failed to make us lose focus.  Go us!  HOWEVER, I can tell he is hurting.  He has every right to be hurting, as one friend said "he made his bed and now he has to lie in it," but I still HATE seeing someone, ANYONE in pain due to my actions.  It is, however, irrevocably clear that for me to live a productive life where I don't break down crying on a daily basis, I cannot have anymore contact with this "superhero," as his one true superpower is hurting me (and others who he claims to "love" as family, friends, or otherwise) - even when I'm not talking to or looking at him. 

At any rate, Casey and I had a lovely lunch/cupcake outing.  Then right before work, me and the French girl living with me conversed in French.  It is so fabulous being able to practice another language!  Now - I need to learn Norwegian and Korean.  The Norwegian girl speaks perfect English, but the Korean girl speak hardly a word, but she is a BEAUTIFUL dancer and really sweet person.  

I also finished reading the TWILIGHT series today.  I can now move on from Vampires!  WAHAY.  It is nice to be able to understand what everyone is talking about when they say they are on "team Jacon" or "team Edward," but I am certainly ready to move on!  I am considering for my next book to tackle, a book about the planetary committee and how they decided to downgrade Pluto from a planet.  Though I myself do not excel in the sciences in a school setting, I do find them a fascinating topic.  Plus, I like to alternate between fiction and non-fiction, so I can feel as though I am actually LEARNING not simply escaping.

I had dinner with Ferrip last night.  He expressed interest in trying to compose the music for GIRAFFES CANT DANCE.  Since I've not heard a whisper from the other compose, I sent him the latest draft. It was be awesome to work with him on the project!  He began NYU as a piano major, and has nearly identical music tastes to me, so it could be a really fabulous partnership.

No progress has been made on Macbeth, other than fantasizing in my head.  Hey, that's where Richard Chess began, so it isn't necessarily bad, just feels rather unproductive.  The bottom line is NOTHING can happen without money, and that is not really in existence for me at the moment.  The economy is doing so poorly that people aren't throwing their money at unknown/ emerging artists.  However, no army can stop an idea whose time has come, so I suppose I shall keep endeavouring to persevere.  I interviewed to be an usher at Lincoln Center, that was I can actually make some money of my own AND watch/ listen to beautiful symphonies on a nightly basis - which would be amazing!  So here's to hoping.

And here's to hoping that I soon accept the sweeter side of this bitter sweetly ironic Valentine's day!  I love my friends - they are incredible! 

.  

trilingual

I just wanted to acknowledge how cool my newly international apt. is.  I have a girl from Norway and a girl from France (recently relocated to Quebec) staying with me, and we definitely all just read three different newspapers each in a different language.  And the French girl and I try to only speak French to one another - so perhaps my grammar will improve!

Additionally - it is really great to be able to come home to two beautiful happy confident intelligent supportive girls!  It is so pleasant to laugh and relax with your roommates, instead of living in fear.  It also keeps my mind off of any negative thoughts etc...  I can't help but wonder how different life would have been if I had a roommate like these two girls for the past four months.  I hope the new subletter, whoever they turn out to be, will be equally fabulous.

I also saw SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE today.  Its a really great movie, and a clever concept.  It tells about what life is like in India for the lower caste citizens through memory flashbacks of an 18 year old boy who on the Indian version of WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.  He can answer each question due to an event in his past, not because he is a genius.  It is a bit like a "hip" - easier to understand -  Salman Rushdie novel.   So, if you want to learn about India or just watch an exciting movie, go!  Both SLUMDOG and MILK are amazing Indie films which I HIGHLY recommend.  

Waking up at 5 for auditions you arent seen for - not so much - lol!:)

GAH

I would just like to say I got signed into an audition at 6:40 and am number 91!!!!!!!!  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!  HOW DO THEY SIGN UP SO EARLY!?

a speed bump

It must be noted at the moment that auditioning can be very frustrating.  Mostly when a theatre is doing a season in which you know you would be amazing, but you can't get seen because there are 678 equity actors ahead of you.  Insert evil growl here.

Ah well - when the going gets tough the tough get going eh?

Its also frustrating when you are trying to sublet your apt, but everyone who says they are going to come up to view the apt. cancelled half an hour after they are supposed to come.  Its really aggravating because you plan your day around being home at a certain time, then, you want to kick yourself.  

Hrmmmm - I wish I had loads of super cheery information to throw in here, but to be honest I'm a little frustrated today.  But that's ok - it means I care.

I did record myself singing some songs from MUSIC IN THE AIR - and was very pleased.

And I've met people from Canada, Korea, and Noway in the past two days.  I love meeting people from other countries.  I guess mass media has made the world a much smaller place, so they all seem very American - except the Korean girl who can't really speak English.  She has a sweet soul though, you can tell.  And she is a fierce ballerina.  

Part of a Macbeth Conversation

I do wish I had save the whole thing - we are totally missing the Lady Macbeth section - this is the second half of the witches discussion... I just like Shakey conversations and feel they are worth mentioning.

 You have to read it in the comments sections blogger is being weird...

Bucket List of Noteworthy albeit ultimately trivial occurances

Some cool things about the past few days:

A) Amanda and I are ACTUALLY working on Macbeth! AMAZING!  I'm SUPER excited!

B) I discovered cookies at Levain Bakery - I think they may just make one ascend to Heaven.

C) Casey and Davin recieved David Howard hats - these are very coveted and given out only to very special.  It is awesome seeing the two of them impress the ballet big wigs without the help of self proclaimed super heroes.

D) A girl I work with at Steps invited me to a really fun vocal concert tonight.  The concert consisted of various students of the voice teacher of the girl who currently plays Ariel in the Little Mermaid.  My friend introduced me to said teacher who agreed to give me lessons when she returns from a month hiatus in Italy.  (Aka - March.)  WATCH AND YOU'LL SEEEEEE....SOME DAY I'LL BEEEEEE...PART OF YOUR (breath) WOOOOOOOOOOOORLD!

E) The Met FINALLY offered me an interview to be an usher!  (I know you thought I was going to say star of Aida.  Sorry to disappoint.)  SUPER EXCITED!  HOPEFULLY I'LL PAID for watching awesomeness.

F) Kat, Cara, Casey, and I had a brilliant hour-ish long online discussion of Satyagraha and why it is fabulous!  Brain --- working --- yay!:)

G) I have potential subletters coming to look at the apt tomorrow so I actually cleaned for once!  YAY!

H) I'm Almost done with the third book of Twillight.

I) Saw Marley and Me with Reinking.  MARLEY AND ME IS NOT A FEEL GOOD MOVIE!  DO NOT LET THE CUTE PUPPY FACES MAKE YOU THINK OTHERWISE.  However, afterward, Reinking talked about HAIR rehearsals, which was fascinating.  Sounds like the director has a great process and they will be using the space in really innovative ways.  Most Marvelous!

J) I'm up way too late to wake up for my morning ballet class - but I shall endeavour to persevere.  

Conclusions

This past week has been a very unexpected yet delightful week of conclusions - and  - since where the is a conclusion there is inevitably a beginning, a week of what I hope will prove to be delightful new beginnings.

Well first of all, I went to two Little Mermaid auditions.  I was cut at both of them, but I also believe they liked me/ thought I had potential at both of them.  I also LEARNED a lot at both (and preparing for both), so I am happy to say that neither was a waste of time.  

At the "Ariel" call, they worked with me quite a bit, but ultimately wanted me to belt a High E.  I have a lot to offer as Ariel, but at this moment in time, belting is not part of my package.  So, I will work on that.  Megan R. gave me a few belting pointers, and the name of her voice teacher.  I'm gonna try and take a few lessons with him, and hopefully at belting to my repertoire.  It would help not only for Mermaid, but also for - well - basically every musical theatre audition in the world.

The dancer call, I learned A) I need to mambo and B)They were looking for a girl 1 inch shorter than myself and REQUIRED that they have swing experience.  So I can't be too upset about being cut.  Preparing for it was a lot of fun.  It also got me off my lazy butt and learning to tap dance.  Sadly, the seagull tap dance on which I worked so hard, was not included in the audition, but hey, I still had a lot of fun pretending I was a seagull and SQUAWKING around steps! LOL!

I was also amazed at how many incredible supportive people I have around me, rooting for me, etc...  I feel so lucky!

So, while my musical theatre focus of the past few months may not have panned out perfectly, I learned a lot, can now focus on OTHER musicals, and had a lot of fun.  Not bad if I must say so myself.

Now, I was hoping to never mention this in a blog again, but since it has consumed so much of my brain for the past three years, I figured I may as well give it a proper conclusion as well.

There is a boy, who we shall call Batman, because he delusionally believe he is Batman. I have had a huge "crush" - at time I would even say have been in love with Batman for a long time now  - more than I would like to admit.  Its strange because I've dated other boys, but for some reason kept foolishly giving my heart over to him.  Even when Batman acquired a Canadian girlfriend, my hoped were not diminished.  However, since acquiring said girlfriend, Batman and I became very very close - I believed we were best friends in the truest sense of the word.  However, in early November, it became clear that the friendship was one sided, and he was using me, in basically every way a person can be used.  I was devastated, and confronted him about this on MANY occasions, and we would make up, he would apologize and say he was changing, but, as is the case with most humans, did not follow through with this promise.  In fact, his actions became more and more hurtful, not just to me but to his mentor/dance teacher, girlfriend, dance partner, and family.  The more I would try to distance myself the more he would attempt to draw me in, and I was often persuaded to give him "another chance." However, last Saturday, he did something so hurtful to all of the above mentioned people and myself, that we all "dumped" him of our own accord - without consulting with one another - or even knowing each others full stories.  (and just to update the story, girlfriend moved to NYC two weeks ago.)  On Tuesday, girlfriend, dance partner, and I had lunch, and realized we had all dumped him, irrevocably, and have since become reallllllly great friends.  We compared stories and are absolutely horrified by truths and lies we have discovered.  Additionally, we are completely in shock that he is not in jail due to illegal business scheming - though for him - pleading insanity would probably work - as he is a mental case I'm not even sure the most esteemed psychiatrist could help.  Pathological liar, delusional, multiple personalities, borderline schizophrenic, selfish, post traumatic stress syndrome, weird Freudian parental issues, etc...  I used to feel bad and think, but I'm his only friend, I had to be there for him, but alas, that feeling has been completely negated.  

I am so very thankful though that girlfriend, dance partner, and dance teacher has all gone through the same "Batman" experience, and we are all there to laugh about it, and support each other through it.  Not to mention, girlfriend and dance partner are two of the most amazing people I have met.  Girlfriend is constantly amazing me by her dedication, determination, passion, and incredible work ethic.  Being in class with her pushes me in new ways, inspires me to never skip an audition, and additionally, not take rejection from auditions seriously, get up up, and focus on the next element.  Dance Partner is so intelligent and reminds me of my days at Michigan when I would sit in my room and analyze Shakespeare all day.  In fact, dance partner and I DO sit around an analyze Shakespeare, Beckett, political speeches, current events, etc...  Its fabulous.  In fact, we are inspired to put together a production of Macbeth, which incorporates LOTS of dance, and also elements of the emerging music scenes in Brooklyn.  We believe combining up and coming bands, contemporary/lyrical dance, and Shakespeare will bring in a broader audience and breath new life into the play.  Its really great to be challenged intellectually again, and pushed artistically.  It reminds me of the days Sara and I used to plot ways to take over the RSC and brood over our BRILLIANT productions of Richard III or Merchant of Venice!

So - while it may have been a dragged out painful journey, I am very glad I've become close to these two people who reinvigorate my life with happiness and purpose!:)  So I must close the door to the Batmobile, which, at this point, is surprisingly easy to do, and move on the thespian life I believe I was always born to have, but towards which I have often lost focus.  

So here is to a productive week of auditions, new production plots, new friends, old friends, and joy all around!:)