Beckett

My current facebook status is a Beckett quote:  "To find a form that accommodates the mess, that is the task of the artist now."

I have made a mess.  I am trying to find a form to accommodate it.

I keep making all these allegories in my head to my mess - Florinda of Visigothic Spain, Hilde in "The Master Builder," hell even Buffy in season three of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  In that season - Buffy laments to Willow: "I think horrible is still coming.  Right now, it's worse.  Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying."

Buddha once wrote:

Do not pursue the past.

Do no lose yourself in the future.

The past no longer is.

The future has not yet come.

Looking deeply at life as it is

in the very here and now,

the practitioner dwells

in stability and freedom.

We must be diligent today.

To wait until tomorrow is too late.

I do spend way too much of my life pursuing the past.  I'm not sure why - perhaps there is some comfort in it.  Perhaps I'm trying to figure out what went wrong.  Or what went right.  In this case - it all began with a lie --- it seemed a harmless enough lie.  It involved a person - three years ago - refusing to give me their phone number.  What I didnt know was - this lie was only the beginning of an impenetrable jungle of lies that I would try to hack through for a  better part of my life over the next few years.  

Now it feels every day, the mess gets worse and worse and worse and worse. 

The worst part is - I have no one who I can talk to about it -because everyone just gets mad that I'd be upset about such a blatant asshole.  To that - I refer - stupidly - to Julie Jordan in Carousel.  Sometimes its possible for someone to hit you very hard, and have it not hurt at all.

But hell, even Billy Bigelow had his redeeming qualities.  This one - I'm not so sure does...

But hey - let's see - went bowling with Amanda, ate puppy chow with Casey and Davin, watched a lot of Buffy with Kat, ate crazy Asian food with Phil and the Europeans, am now being stalking by friends overprotective scary mother, watched the Oscars - go Beyonce and Hugh Jackman, have discovered a new ballet teacher who kicks my butt and makes me turn out, finished reading my book about Pluto - need a new book - met Giles from Buffy, Kat was eternally happy, bought a new Yumiko leotard because they make ME eternally happy, and that's really about it - had pancakes for lunch.

I need a new book - suggestions?  I think Amanda is bringing me East of Eden.

Now - a closing Beckett quote: Where I am I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know.  I can't go on.  I'll go on."