entering 2012

The year 2012 - it strikes fear into the hearts of all those who believe in the ancient Mayan calendar. It strikes fear into me too - but not for the same reason.

I don't believe that the world is going to end in some cataclysmic disaster. Earth won't get split into two or be hurled out of orbit. But if it is - hey - at least I was there to see how it all ended.

What scares me so much more if my own little world. So much I want to make happen - so much I'm scared I won't.

For the first time in my life I feel old. Like - o.k. there is stuff that was supposed to be done by now. Why isn't it done? Things that range from the silly, trivial, and mundane to things that are survival skills and life milestones. I want to run backwards on the timeline - but I know that's not how it works. You gotta plug along forward. There's so much I want to learn and so little time to learn it. So many frustrating conversations that don't seem to contribute or enrich.

I hope my happy wishes and dreams come true for 2012.

scared.

There are lots of things scaring me right now. I guess they are scary - and exciting - and sad - and not sad at the same time.

Petrified I won't be able to make it work. Petrified I won't be able to make enough money doing anything. Petrified that my life of believing that I am meant for something is just a fake belief. Scared that I'll be just another sad story --- I reallllly don't want to be a sad story. I want to be a happy story of success and sparkles! Scared I'll never find romantic love. (Wasn't that supposed to have happened now?) Wasn't everything to have happened by now.

My friend I visited with tonight told me to set deadlines and make it all happen. It NEEDS to all happen in 2012. This needs to be the year I step up to the plate and make it work. And I'm horrified! And behind that horror - is a lot of excitement - ready to step into my spotlight and shine!:)

ready to sparkle again.

I feel ready to sparkle again. It only took three days of rejuvenation - but I feel like I'm ready to go out and conquer the world! Maybe it's the Goodspeed callback. Even thought the callback is for my declared choreographer foe - it still feels really nice to get a "final" callback for an awesome theatre!

So much to work on - so much I need to do and improve upon - so much I feel ready to do - it's a very strange paradox - feeling ready and completely unready all at the same time!

And - I'm DEFINITELY enjoying not having to wake up early!:) Just praying my body doesn't crash like it did last Christmas! That was so sad! I WANT TO BE HEALTHY!

Knock on wood!

random!

Just to give you an idea of how RANDOM casting/auditioning is -

Every day last week - I went in an audition for the SAME MAN behind the table - whether it was dance or singing - it was a choreographer who obviously just didn't like the way I walked into the room or SOMETHING. I couldn't do a thing right! Even the monitor unsolicited came up to me and said my dancing looked really great and it was really fun to watch me - but NOPE!

Then today - I went to the final chance to audition for this group of three shows (there are EPAs, ECC singer and ECC dancer calls for each show) - it was an ECC singer call. And I SUCKED. Like - it was the worse I've possibly ever sang my audition song. I almost ran out of the room out crying. But one of the guys behind the table (WHICH WAS LACKING THE MAN WHO HATES ME) said - "you dance? Wow - you really dance don't you? And you have a fabulous voice! Would you be willing to come to a dance call back if we asked you to?" Me in amazement because I thought I sucked - of course. Man behind the desk - great thank you! (He writes something on my resume as I walk out.)

So - I can go in and totally SUCK and get SOME sort of a positive response (I guess we gotta see if they ACTUALLY call me back to dance) - where I can KICK ASS every other day - but the man behind the desk just didn't like me for whatever reason. Of course now - if I DO get the dance callback - it will be for the choreographer - aka - the man behind the desk who hates me. But - what can you do I suppose? Just go in and do you best.

Perfect example of how random this world is!

caroling

I put together a christmas caroling event today and it worked! Seven of us - (two sopranos, three mezzos, one tenor, one bass who all actually sang in harmony!!!!!:)))) walked from the Time Warner Center to FAO Schwartz to the Rockefeller Christmas tree and sang carols! At the Rockefeller tree we even gained groupies who requested songs and watched out whole "concert!" Somewhere we are on several people's home videos and facebook "Our Trip To NYC" albums. I gotta say - it was kinda cool! And I can now check Christmas Caroling off of my holiday things I want to do one day! I think next year, we'll actually rehearse - and maybe even have a little "singer" choreography!:)

poem

[IF]
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Just rediscovered this poem - a very good poem for right now.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

(The infamous Pita Chip Incitident)

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,

(Stupid Other Soprano telling me I don't deserve my track and making me feel all weird about Mrs. Pearce)

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

(OH! Waiting for those magical phone calls!)

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

(Sound board op telling everyone I'm having mad kinky sex with him)

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

(The mean people)

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

(Just good advice all around)

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

(oh - Phelim...and the dream that will never be)

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

(everything I SAY I'm going to do but then never DO - action is eloquence!)

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

(gotta do it. Callback no callback - phone call - no phone call - criticism - praise.)

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

(Oh - so many)

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

(every audition one doesn't book)

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

(Again - auditions - amongst MANY other things)

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

(the antidote to exhaustion isn't necessarily sleep - it's whole heartedness)

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

(I have walked kings - kind of MY world - and I've had to learn to not let that be the first thing out of my mouth - people don't really respond well. Well - And I was in the same room as Prince Charles once! lol!)

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

(But if I love myself enough then loving you won't be so rough)

If all men count with you, but none too much,

(Gotta let go of this hero worshipping thing!)

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

(SO TRUE!)

--Rudyard Kipling

I seek him here I seek him there!!!

Fix taxes - check

Discover Actors Access to SUBMIT MYSELF for roles - check

Discover Wagners Ring Cycle - check

Make brave attempt to learn how to read "chord tabs" to accompany myself when singing/learning music - check (attempt being the key words here.)

Two auditions - check

Clean Apartment almost singlehandedly so it looks pretty for Loralee's parents - check

Grocery shop for turkey day (and life - need something more than a block of cheese in the fridge - check

Much needed catch up time with good friends and being treated to a most delicious crabcake dinner - check

Set up official "opera" voice lesson with Pat Nixon - check

Listen to Slate's Political Gabfest and discover what's actually happening re: occupy wallstreet and Obamacare by reading and comparing different articles - check

It's been a very busy two days "off." Didn't manage to take dance class. Didn't manage to actually PRACTICE singing (unless you count warming up for an audition and then auditioning twice on the same day). Boo me. My neighbors I'm sure are thankful. Trying to distract myself from obsessive checking my e-mails - hoping for a miracle. Sigh. I guess I thought PM would write back and make the impossible happen. But I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. If it is even easy. Why does he constantly elude me! is he the Scarlet Pimpernel? I suppose so. That would make sense. That demned elusive pimpernel!

in review

Well - it's certainly been a big week. Excitingly stressful? I guess productive things I did were auditions and actually sending my letter to PM. Of course, now I'm panicking he'll never read it - or respond. Also - Mary's out of town for a while, so I found the lady who originated the role of Pat Nixon in Nixon in China (who is also our Eliza's voice teacher) and asked her for some lessons. This is also good because Mary is always telling me if I want to do OPERA - I have to find someone else. She only does musical theatre. Pat Nixon has obviously been very successful in opera AND ALSO been on Broadway numerous times. SHE SWITCHES! SUCCESSFULLY! So I thought it might be good to give her a try while Mary is away. Esp. since Mary and I decided I need to audition for the Met Opera Chorus. It's probably the most ridiculous goal ever - but EVERYONE - and I mean EVERYONE tells me I should try. I've scoffed it off as being the most quixotic idea anyone has ever had. Not only do you have to be AMAZING and know HOW TO READ MUSIC - and sing in Italian, French, German, Russian, English, Sanskrit, and who knows what else, you also have to basically wait for someone to die. It might be easier to become a Supreme Court Justice. Once you're in the Met Chorus - YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO LEAVE! $100000 a year starting contract. To sing at the freaking MET! I mean - you will hold onto that job with every sinew of your body. But - I finally figured - why not try? The WORST - the absolute WORST that can happen - is I can grow exponentially as a musician. That is never a bad thing. It will help me in whatever I do - musical theatre - opera - directing - dance - etc... (Though is just makes me detest reggaeton even more - now that I know what makes GOOD music - or am beginning to learn what makes GOOD music - I realize even more how HORRIBLE reggaeton is! LOL!) At any rate - point is - we'll see is Pat Nixon can whip me into shape where Mary can't while Mary is away.

I also am taking a course on GAME THEORY via iTunesU - as recommended by Matt. It's a surprisingly good and exciting course taught by a very passionate British professor.

The show has also been very dramatic. Aside from fat soprano evil - one of our guys needs hip surgery and is out of the show - he needs to be replaced. It's very sad - because he was actually nice and peppy. Another guy rolled his ankle and was out of the show tonight. Meaning our poor male swing had to do TWO tracks! Also - one of our girls fractured a metatarsal in her foot - and another one was hit by a car! But they are both still doing the show! The most amazing part about this is - it seems to have made every appreciate how much they love performing - and now instead of "opting out" - they are FIGHTING to perform - not the best circumstances for this - but and interesting phenomenon. I think they are able to stop trying to be "cool" and just let their quirky wonderful performance loving selves come out!

I also discovered Wagner. Or rather - the Ring Cycle - it's very cool. And stuck in my head!

things

Enriching activities of the day:

Saw "The agony and ecstasy of Steve Jobs" at the public theatre with Matt - followed by falafels and lively conversation about capitalism vs. communism.

Started reading John Adams (composer) autobiography.

Practiced piano scales and arpeggios.

Made a list of things I was to say to PM - which will obviously be whittled down - but hey - it's a start.

pleasantries.

Well - you gotta love going to your afternoon audition appointment, only to have a friend of your tell you that she spoke with the fat soprano from MFL that morning, who decided to badmouth me the entire time, not knowing who she was speaking to was my friend. Wow. Such DELIGHTFUL people. They actually have a count down as to how many shows until we are finished and never have to perform this production again. Ummmm....excuse me. Again. Am I missing something. Do we WANT to be unemployed? I'm so confused. Also, gotta love the boy who won't talk to except on stage about how angry he is about how I handled those damned pita chips, wanting my dad's help with a legal housing issue now. Um.....no. You don't get to be a total dick to me all week making me cry and have to leave the theatre and sit in a parking lot - then ask for my dad's help. Maybe you should think about that BEFORE you a dick. I'm sorry it will cost you $250 to have a lawyer send a letter on official letterhead. I'm sorry that when you went on as Doolittle you didn't have your lines memorized so they had to cut half of a scene. I'm sorry you are so miserable you can't let go of a stupid pita grudge. I'm sorry that despite being 30 you can't handle a situation better than a 6 year old. My hope for you if that you let go of whatever anger management issues you have - and can be happy. Also - it REALLLLLLLY isn't funny that at this point - everyone is singing in different keys - and none of them are the RIGHT key. It's really not funny. And when I suggest a music rehearsal, while you all are laughing about how much you suck, you probably shouldn't tell me I'm a horrible person. I care about my work - and want to make it good. Candace had the best come back which I should have said. "Well I'm sorry that you all suck." Loralee also suggested - "well then you better go home and learn your shit on your own."

But - that's besides the point of my life. I am so glad I am bitter and miserable with everything in my life. Perhaps I should be - I know in the past I have been. But now I am putting my foot down and refusing. I am a beautiful smart talented girl - and I am going to have an enriching experience - despite my cast's best efforts to stop it! They don't have to like me. They are welcome to sing off key and be miserable - but I will not.

I will be happy to perform every day and give the crowd a fabulous the best I can give on that day.

When I'm backstage - I won't talk to them, I will listen to my podcasts, learn music, or read my brand new book - John Adams' (composer) biography.

When I'm away from the theatre - I will hang out with my FRIENDS - who are awesome - and engage in activities with are productive and enriching - seeing shows/operas - taking classes - learning music - learning piano/music theory - putting together a Christmas caroling group - read the newspaper - watch the news - laugh as much as possible - audition - direct - perform - collaborate - be silly - and challenge myself constantly - the heights of great men were not reached by sudden flight, but while their companions slept toiled upward in the night.

I've been here before - and I know how to handle it. You can hate me for not buying into your negativity and not complaining about how horrible it is to have a job- and not trying to get someone fired for eating your pita chips - or getting the job your friend didn't - or for not thinking Herman Caine is the best option for president - or not believe Lady Jane is a character in Richard III - for not being content to sing off key and out of harmony - but I will be o.k. And if I'm lucky - I'll be more than o.k. I'll be happy healthy and successful - grow as a person and as an artist.

And I'm learning from you. I'm learning what I value in my friends and in myself. I'm learning how lucky I have been to work with people who love theatre up to this point - and have taught me in the importance of a true collaborative project - and how to be proud of your part whether you are Eliza or chorus girl #5. I feel lucky for doing shows at VLOG and AMORE so now that I am PAID and actually given costumes I dont have to provide myself - or a set I didnt have to help build - I don't take it for granted. I'm happy I can appreciate a good production and good creative team - so I can appreciate a good show when I'm in one. I'm grateful for all the blah internships I did so I can appreciate what the techies do for us. I'm grateful I didn't go to school for theatre - so I actually have a brain. I'm grateful I found Mary - who is a wonderful voice teacher and acting coach - and also taught me how to handle the fragile egos of other performers - and understand that when they are mean to me - it has more to do with their own insecurities than anything I am actually doing.

And I'm grateful that for four perfect hours today - the world was perfect. I was watching Satyragraha - with one of my best friends - dead center orchestra - PM just accepted my facebook friend request - and the world disappeared into a beautiful meditation about the "athletes of the spirit" who hold pleasre and pain, profit and loss, victory and defeat to be the same, then brace yourself ready for the fight. And isn't that all we can do -brace ourselves for the fight - whatever our fights may be - and mine is not let the negativity bring me down - and they won't.

Guten Nacht.

Also...

For the record - one of the techies was kinda moping about thinking the same things I was - so I showed him PM's blog - and he also was inspired! (And he is not a let's go see weird experimental theatre kinda guy. IT's just - the ideas in the blog are THAT awesome!)

banishing the pita chips

I'm still just confused. I'm obviously not getting something. Maybe I'm too stupid. Maybe I"m too inexperienced. But I don't hate my job. I don't wake up dreading performing. I don't want to "opt out" of numbers. I'm not THRILLED that in two weeks I'll not have to perform for a month. I don't count down the minutes during a show and when I'm finished breathe a sigh of relief because I'm done and can now go decorate my apartment. I have very little desire in getting anyone kicked out of equity or getting a stage manager or two fired. I don't count the seconds until I can get out of my costume and head home. I'm not super psyched we have no more understudy rehearsals. (Ummm - what happens if we have to go on and haven't rehearsed for two months? Even the RSC and Bway rehearses understudies at least once a week!!!!!!!!!! Usually twice!!!)And I really don't care THAT much about pita chips. ARGHHHHHHH! I'm going to go CRAZY!!!!!! CRAAAAAAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How on earth have these people managed to make a great job into a living hell? I'm SO confused. And why would you WANT to do that? Why! When the universe gives you a gift like a performing job - why not be happy?

But - that's exactly it - why not be happy - so that's the last I'm going to say about that. Instead - I'm going to talk about all the COOL thingsI did today.

I listened to Slate's policial gabfest - which was MOST amusing this week - as we've have a rather hysterical group GOP hopefuls in the media. Perry and Cain are both every comedian's dream - but they make even a regular newscast seem like SNL! I also listened to the "culture" gabfest - which analyzed how hollywood seems to make us think there is something inherently wrong with us if we don't get our happy endings. I think this is true - but in my hippie dippie mode that I'm in right now - I'm also thinking happy endings are all in the eye of the beholder. I know some people who the 99% would say should be OVER THE MOON with happiness - but they aren't because they don't have a baby - or haven't won an oscar - or don't have a boyfriend - or have only starred in 5 Broadway shows instead of 6 - or because the critics panned their latest work - never mind their 3 Tony awards and numerous past accomplishments. And some people - who are in a wheelchair and find joy in every moment in life - and say things such as, "I'm glad I broke my neck. If I never broke my neck I wouldn't have met such amazing people, gotten into directing, or discovered stand-up comedy." So - girl on her fifth Broadway show and featured role on an HBO show SHOULD by all reasonable accounts have the happy ending - but the happier one is the girl in a wheelchair. Ultimately - we are responsible for our own experiences - and happy endings are in the eye of the beholder. Granted - I PRAY I'll never go through something as traumatic as a life altering injury - and would MUCH rather be the girl on her fifth Broadway show. I think ultimately it comes down to how Michelle Kwan ended her autobiography. We all have good and bad in lives, and if we're lucky, we'll have more good than bad. It we're REALLY lucky, we'll know it. (Therefore - cultural gabfest people - I think we all ultimately write and put our own spin on our own fairytales.) I'm going to do my darndest to make mine a happy one.

I also listened to Capitol Steps - a musical political satire show - on the bus up to Tarrytown. It only comes out on holidays - so I was a bit late listening to the Halloween episode. No matter - it still literally made me laugh out loud. Esp. the BOOK OF MORMON/GOP candidates parody.

I cleaned my apt. Which was MUCH needed.

I worked on my piano chord inversions - which scare me.

I worked on the new opera aria I'm learning - Ah, non credea Mirarti. It's in Italian - which makes it scary.

I took (much much much needed) pilates and had a much needed catch-up session with Cara over some delicious soup!

I found my long lost friend Sara's blog - which is actually rather amazing! She made homemmade poptarts and documented it! I may have to try this myself. Her commentary on the experience was hysterical. She also posted a rather long entry about whales - which I found extremely funny, witty, and educational! I'm going to cut and paste a bit - but before I go - I'd just like to point out - one of these whales is estimated to have been 211 at the time of its death - which meant it saw Thomas Jefferson AND Bill Clinton as President - that is - if it ever ventured to DC - which I doubt it did. Still - it's very crazy to think about!

Sara’s entirely bias Bowhead Profile:

• These giants live in the arctic, those scratches are from crashing into ice sheets to make blowholes.
• Bowheads live alone under the frozen expanse, solitary and peaceful for most of their adult life.
• They are notoriously skittish. A wave-slap against a boat’s prow a quarter-mile away is enough to send them trundling to the deep.
• Recent research indicates they may be some of the oldest creatures on the planet. Estimates surmise they are over 200 years old.

Possibly the oldest creatures – how cool! How mysterious! It explains rather a lot of their anti-human behaviour in my mind too.

After all, it wasn’t that long ago whaling was an exotic imperialist hobby and dastardly big business (though some would say it still is when there are stories like this in the world).

Leaving the politics to one side however, I found an article about a bowhead carcass found in 2001 which had old, ivory harpoon heads lodged in its skin.

[Totally pointless footnote, how do you post 48 frozen whale eyeballs? How big of a box is that and what do you put on the customs declaration? These are the things that keep me up at night.]

If the harpoon heads and eyeball dissection prove they are that old, it’s hard to imagine what all they have witnessed in 200 years. Reminds me of Darwin’s tortoise.

Now, in Saraland, a little imaginative history says a sow of 200 could easily have witnessed the harpooning of family members in Victorian expeditions. Quite likely she would have been chased herself at least a few times in the remaining centuries. Their trepidation regarding ships and humans in that context is more than understandable. I’d be pretty freakin’ skittish too.

Yes, it’s anthropomorphizing a bit, but I’m not totally crazy. I may love me some whales and invent little histories, but it’s not like I’ve named them [or have an uncontrollable urge to put a tiny sweater on them. ahem. crazy pet people. *shudder*]

It also feels like the seeds of a Disney movie: some Bambi-esque tale of survival and distrust.

Of course in modern-day ultra-PC Disney world, the orphaned baby bowhead would make friends with some Inuit child.

They’d probably have a swimming montage, and a reggae duet.

Fin-tacular high-fives aside, it does make me wonder. After a hundred years of being hunted, how long would it take you to trust humans in the water? It may be generations to us, but the world is a different place under the Arctic seas, where centuries stretch to the frozen horizon.

OH! One more thing before I go - as I entered my apt. building - a lady walked in carrying a Met program. I asked her what she saw and she said SATYAGRAHA. (Insert my reaction here.) She said "Oh so you're into opera." Me: Yes. Satyagraha is my FAAAAAVORITE. Her: It's very powerful - it took me a bit to get into it but once I did - it's just fabulous. (she disappeared behind one of the fire doors as I waited for the elevator - SQUEEEEEEELING that someone in my building LISTENS TO SATYAGRAHA AND LIKES IT! WAIJIADUHAWUIDHAWUDHAWUYDHA~ EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

orca whales

The universe, I have found, gives us little gifts along the way to help get us through the bad and frustrating days. (That almost rhymes.) Today, I ran into two of my WIW friends on my way to an audition, and it was so wonderful to just have positive happy productive conversations with them.

Yesterday, the gift was PM's (those are someone's intitials) blog. It was a particularly yucky day at work, but fortunately I had brought my computer. I found this very strange blog. I don't understand most of it. It's doodle, drawing, crazy quotes, prompts, and philosophies that are even more rounds about than my own way of thinking! He is truly theatre' s mad scientist! Perhaps life's mad scientist. But totally inspirational - at all times! (at least in his blog.)

He seems to truly experience life - and celebrate all of life's eccentricities and beauties - and totally believes that you are responsible for your own experiences. He lives by the "two feet" rule - which is - if you are in a place where you are not learning or contributing - you have two feet - walk away. (He later had an entry about how this is not a politically correct rule - as some people don't have two feet - and some people are in wheelchairs, so he changed it to the rule of mobility.) At any rate - it got me thinking- that I can definitely be having a much more fulfilling experience in life than I am at the moment.

Since MFL started - I spend most of my days with 20 year old girls who want NOTHING more in life than to get married - and spend all of their time planning their yet to be had weddings - or their friends weddings. Or complaining about how horrible it is to be in a show instead of planning a wedding. So what's a girl to do who - doesn't have a wedding to plan for herself OR any of her friends. Not even a bridesmaid outfit to pick out.

Well for starters, there is a band room. The band and I get along, and they let me use their band room. I started taking piano lessons so I can become a better musician, and hopefully learn to sigh sing by understanding how notes relate to one another, but have had trouble finding time to practice. Well - on our breaks - I can go and use the piano and practice - and the "reed" player has been kind enough to come and correct me and make sure my "homework" is correct.

PM seems to constantly be inspired by quotes or prompts. He'll find a quote - and use it as a prompt - and then write about why this quote speaks to him. I really enjoy this idea. It just helps you organize your thoughts. (And heck - might help me write a letter or a tweet to him one day.) For example - I know I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Satyagraha - but I have a hard time concisely and rationally explaining why. It just seems like a good communication skill. So I might work on that. I know I also crave some sort of conversation about politics or media or new or social events - so it might be good to just have these conversations with me myself - if no one else wants to have them with me.

I am in NYC - so I have the capability to take classes. I ALMOST signed up for an improv class, but one of my WIW friends told what I should REALLLLLY be doing is taking actors access classes, because you get to work with and show your work to agents and casting directors -which will actually help you get jobs. So I am definitely going to sign up for one of those!

I've also fallen slack on actually practicing my singing and warming up every day. I need to do that! I know I can sing everything in MFL without warming up - but I owe it to myself and my instrument to warm up and challenge it. And find time to work on those arias. And learn the music to chorales I might actually get to one day sing in and be paid for. (Beethovens 9th - The Messiah - Mahler's 4th - Carmina Burana, etc...) The MFL band told me about community chorale societies that I can at least use as a learning tool until I figure out how to get paid. (This isnt a TOO distant possibility - as I have an opera friend who said she will get me an appointment with her agent who books her these jobs at LINCOLN CENTER to sing with the NY Philharmonic - BUT - the agent audition consists of singing an aria and SIGHT SINGING - so I have to be somewhat more proficient at that first. Hence the piano/music theory lessons.) And just learning music is such a wonderful experience. And hopefully I can meet some wonderful intelligent people!

And of course - I have my wonderful podcasts and iTunesU! I found several music theory courses on iTunesU - yay free music lessons! I also found a new favorite political podcast to keep up with current events - Slate's Political Gabfest. It's wonderful. Interesting, entertaining, has a left, right, and center representative. Definitely a winner in my book.

I also called up my old friend Matt - because he's smart - and interesting - and curious - and NOT in theatre. I thought I needed some friends outside of theatre/opera - so we are hanging out next week.

At any rate - I don't know if this entry makes any sense - I'm insanely tired - and a mix of incredibly inspired - and ready to walk away if I hear one more thing about stolen pita chips. And I'm watching Orca Whales swim to Gregorian Monk chants on classic arts showcase - methinks it is time to go to bed!

things I'd like to tell me cast part deux

Some more things I would like to tell my cast:

If you have an issue with something you should address it directly. Don't talk about it for days/weeks behind someones back letting the anger fester. It is totally counterproductive to everything!

If you dislike the way Pickering drives the van to and from Westchester - offer to drive it yourself. We are supposed to rotate drivers - but since no one else wants to drive - Pickering sucks it up and does it himself.

If you don't like someone entering your dressing room - tell the person entering your dressing room.

Read the equity rule book before spazzing about equity rules.

Just because the stage manager doesn't do everything you request - doesn't mean the stage manager isn't doing their job. The stage manager isn't there to give you a massage. The stage manager is there to make sure everyone and everything gets on stage and can be seen and heard.

If someone steals your food, talk to them about it.

If you do decide to talk to someone about an issue - whatever you do - do not do it passive aggressively on stage. Esp. if you are older than I am. Grow up.

Just because someone forgets a line - does not mean they are senile and incompetent at life. It means they forgot a line.

Speaking of which - why is it o.k. for Rick Perry in your opinion to have his campaign brain fart - and you respond by saying "poor guy" but an actor forgets a line and they basically no longer deserve to live.

Hermain Caine is NOT the best of all the evils. Uzbekibekibekistanstan is not a country. And really 9% federal tax on top of a 8.7% state tax on everything. You think that's o.k. All of you "we don't get paid enough and can't afford to eat out - so we sit inside during our four hour breaks and eat blocks of cheese?"

I do understand how great Satyagraha is. Well - maybe I never will - but I'm pretty sure I grasp it at least as well as you do.

Will you please fire your agent already who doesn't get you audition appointments, never mind WORK, but spends lots of time telling you how fat, ugly, and untalented you are. I want to punch you every time you whine about it.

I'm fairly certain the Rockettes don't suck. I've seen the show twice - neither time did it make me speechless with how ghastly it was.

If we have a talk back with a bunch of high school students - you should try to keep the answers positive. "I hate all of them" is not realllllly an appropriate answer to "What is your favorite song to sing in the show." "We have to whistle backstage ugh" not really the BEST answer to "are the sound effects live or pre-recorded." "We have to change wigs so many times and it's really annoying" is not the answer I would have chosen for what's the most challenging aspect of the show - but oh well - you never handed me the mic.

I mean - I guess it's cool you suspect your foot is broken, but you want to dance through the pain - I guess that means you're dedicated or heroic or something...??? Stupid???? I mean --- maybe I'd do the same thing - hard to tell...

It's not really cool to set "traps" for the food thief. That kinda feels a little mean to me.

That tech guy who drives you and from Tarrytown to get your pumpkin spice latte - learn his name.

Please remember theatre is supposed to be enjoyable. TRY to have a LITTLE fun while here. Just a little. That's all I ask.

Say hello to the band. They're cool!:)

Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

I LOVE YOU SATYAGRAHA!

I saw Satyagraha again tonight - it was even BETTER than I remembered it - if that was possible. And viewing it as a MUSICIAN this time - made the experience completely different. That music is HARD! And the singers NEVER leave the stage! No getting a sip of water - blowing your nose - coughing - clearing your throat - warming up/trilling - just go! Wow. The music is so gorgeous. The direction is so impeccable! And I saw so many more layers than I did before! Maybe its age and wisdom - maybe it's now having been IN an opera - maybe it's experience - I don't know - but today it was so much more glorious! I feel so ALIVE having seen it! Like my life blood has been revived! At the end Phillip Glass walked onto the stage and my friend who was with me and I were screaming and whooping and hollering like 12 year olds at a Justin Beiber concert. It was amazing! Just gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous! I am so thankful for moments like that - and days like today!:)

funny things

Today was a very funny day - almost the opposite of yesterday - and I loved my cast! But I'm much much much too tired to type out the funny - and it wouldn't come out as well in the typed blogosphere as in real life anyhow. Just know - it was funny.

Things I would like to tell my cast

Alright cast - some things I would like to say to you:

No - I didn't wake up this morning dreading a two show day. I woke up this morning VERY EXCITED TO PERFORM IN TWO SHOWS!

If you want to talk about what a horrible actor Kenneth Branagh is - you should probably do it while I'm not in the room.

The same goes for Andrew Lloyd Webber's composing. And then - don't tell me I'm lying when I said I worked with him on WIW. I'm not going to defend myself - it's pointless - you'll believe what you want to believe.

If you don't know who Rovert is - you really need to do your research.

There is no Lady Jane in Richard III.

It is stupid to mark understudy rehearsals. We are lucky to have them. Don't half ass it.

I'm not thrilled we are done with understudy rehearsals for the rest of the run. If I'm thrown on Jan. 29th - I would like to have had a rehearsal in the past 3 months.

On Broadway - understudies do NOT rehearse with costumes and props. Trust me. I ran the rehearsals. And - no WIW was not an anomaly. My best friend it on her 4th Bway show - understudying every time - and never even got to practice with the "baby bump" she had to wear in HAIR- must less costumes and props and the FULL CAST there - only understudies.

There is more to life than being angry your friend/acquaintance just booked a Broadway show while you are "stuck" in Westchester. If you are going to be like that - you're in for a VERY VERY VERY long ride. You are working on a contract that runs longer than most Broadway shows. Be happy for yourself. Be happy for your friend. Work hard.

You can get hired without an agent. So if you have an agent who calls you fat, ugly, untalented, pompous, etc... you should get rid of that agent instead of giving them your paycheck.

I really want to punch all of your as you sift through bridal magazines. Yes I know you are all (ALLLL - I mean - EVERY PERSON BUT ME IN THE CAST) in LOOOOOOOOOVE, engaged, or married, but I really want to barf - and shoot myself - or cry - as we plan weddings, reception, and look for baby cradles, and plan our yet to exist babies third birthday parties. I know I am old and bitter because no prince - or even close to a prince has come to whisk me off my feet - or even walk next to me - forget the whisking - but twelve hours a day of wedding planning and knitting baby blankets is SOOO INANE!

Please learn to spell. Though it does make it easier for me to win when playing bananagrams!:)

Don't be mean to the crew.

Learn the crew's names.

Say hi to the band/orchestra. They are cool people.

Other soprano lady - I do not know what is eating you - but you can really stop doing everything in your power to make me feel like shit. And really - when I walk into the green room to heat up my frozen meal dinner - you don't have to tell me all of my qualities that you don't think are good qualities to have. Who does that?

It's always a bad idea to tell the stage manager they don't know what they are doing...

You all wonder why you are so tired - well - if you TURNED THE LIGHTS ON in the dressing room - the LIGHT might help you stay awake...just saying...

Dogs just are better than cats. I'm sorry. I'm right. You're wrong here. And if you wave a kitty in front of my face - you will not get my oooohhhhing ahhhhhing and roo-ing - no matter how hard you try. Same goes with babies.

It's realllllly weird to walk into someone's dressing room just to sniff their nutella...then steal a handful of crackers and leave. It's just odd!

It's also odd to moon people right before they walk on the stage.

I am soooo happy to have a job - a great fun EQUITY performing job - but I realllllly miss my friends...it's nice to feel loved...and definitely excited to see SATYAGRAHA with my AMORE friends on TUESDAY! It will be a very very happy day!:)

what I've been up to

Well - it's been a pretty crazy few weeks. I went on for the role I understudy in MFL, I found a dead mouse in my radiator, I've come VERY close to getting hired for jobs AFTER MFL ends - but so far no cigar - sad face - that will change - I've started taking piano lessons to try and become a better musician, Loralee had her birthday, there was Halloween (My costume was retweeted as an awesome opera costume by the Met!), I am a finalist in a corgi haiku contest (which I'm oddly serious about - I thin it's because I have a LITTLE control over the voting - unlike auditions - where you have very little control over the final voting by the creative team), I made my first trip to the Met this season, I made some awesome NON-theatre friends, I've acquired TWO stalkers (One of whom write me mystery poems trying to make me guess who he is ---- I'm scared....), I've given love advice to MANY people (WHY do they come to me? I'm a love failure!), I made chocolate pomegranate cookies, learned how to make drums out of giant Californian gourds, played in the snow, seen a very bad movie about Shakespeare - or more specificaly - about NOT Shakespeare, cried, and laughed a lot. October - you were a very full month. I hope November is equally if not even more awesome.

energy

I don't know if I've ever been so inspired as I am right now to keep on challenging myself to become a better performer. I'm not really sure why - nothing really happened. I guess that I really love performing every night and I want to keep on doing it and I feel a fabulous energy within myself. Mary and I are working on belt songs - can't stop me from working on my working on my opera because I just adore it (and it's been my auditory escape from dressing room weirdness). I'm having a hard time fitting dance class in - just because the schedule is crazy - but I'll do it! Maybe one day - I'll find a good acting class. I just want to be the best that I can be!:) But now I need to go to bed - early morning audition. Wahoo!

post audition - luck be a lady with me!

I forgot about the joyous post-audition wait. Oh post audition wait - how tortuous you are. You flirt with me - promising success and joy and happiness - but play coy - will you call or will you not call. AND - you have my number but I don't have yours - so I have no choice but to wait or distract myself while I wait. And - see other auditions while I wait for you to call me and say we are official. Of course - there is always horrifying thought that you won't ever call - in which case - I simply have to write you off and say I was too good for you - and wonder if I am too good for you why am I not WITH you. Oh post audition - you are a cruel mistress - and all I can say is LUCK BE A LADY WITH ME!

Also - I think one of the best things I saw this week was Reinking's face when I told her a girl tried to convince me there was a Lady Jane in Shakespeare's Richard III. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. It was a fight I chose to not even fight. I asked "do you mean Lady Anne?" "no no Jane." "are you sure?" "Yes." "Well let me check in my complete works. No Lady Jane listed." "Well - she's only in two scenes - she might not be listed." "Oh. I guess I didn't know that." Me fighting that fight would only cause trouble in an already bizarre dressing room. It is not the type of place you want to whip out - anything I'd whip out in that fight. Delicate egos need to be massaged. And - I will let you know - I am perfectly confident in my knowledge of Richard III. I don't need to prove to anyone that I know it better than they do. I know - at the end of the day - when the RSC comes around - Boydy will say that I'm with the company. And all is well.

my room.

Things I can see while lying in bed that make me happy ---

One of the advantages (Perhaps the only advantage?) of having a small bedroom is you feel like all of your favorite things are hugging you lie in your bed on a sunny saturday morning - (You should probably be outside enjoying the weather - but the week was so darn exhausting - all I can do is rest in bed!) And as I lay here - I can see -

-My Woman in White opening night plaquw

-ticket to see Morte D'Arthur with Sam, Nixon in China, Satyagraha, and The Little Mermaid

-A postcard with the Shakespeare Quote - Now Heavens Send Thee Good Fortune

-Map of Stratford Upon Avon

-A wishing stone from Ireland given to me by Reinking

-A Giant Conch given to me by Kat and Cara

-My autographed program of Nixon in China (signed by John Adams - composer)

-my dinglehopper (Mermaid thing)

-Little Mermaid plaque with my name on it

-A mermaid incense burning given to me by Reinking

-collection od shells from Sanibel

-poster for the Zefferelli Romeo and Juliet

-Glass chess set given to me by the cast of RIII that I directed

-Small duplicate of the Rose Window of Notre Dame in Paris

-Picture Frame Cara made me

-my Corgi calendar (That has a VERY cute wet corgi running on the beach for the month of October.

-Tibetan Bowl Drum

-Garland of Origami Swans Candace made for me

-A Shoe collection that would make Blair jealous

-Poster of the 2001 RSC History tetralogy

-collection of Fairy wings

-Celtic Mug Gina bought for me

-a sparkly prop Tiara I got from Amore

-My collection of stuffed animal cows

My collection of sparkly headbands (Blair Watch out)

-My Woman in White opening night POSTER (As opposed to plaque)

-The flower crown I wore in Iolanthe

It's a wee bit small - but a good room!:)

-And LOTS of sunshine.

Crazy day!:)

Today was one CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY day!

I had to be at the audition center by 8:30 a.m. I was in such a hurry (and out of practice) I managed to FORGET MY DRESS! AND my dance tights! I had my leotard, dance shoes, dress shoes, but no dress or tights! Loralee TRIED to bring me my tights, but I ended up auditioning before she could. FORTUNATELY - GOSSIP GIRL was on last night so I was feeling especially Blair-like - and was rather dressed up for my "street cloths." The last audition I did since booking MFL was a disaster! AND - the MFL dressing room messes with my brain in a not so amazing way. It's very odd and weirdly competitive - negative - strange. So I was seriously doubting myself. PLUS - I was auditioning for a director I used to A.D. - which made me realllllllly nervous - you know - having to prove to her I belonged on THIS side of the table. I was very nervous - and I forgot my dress. A girl in my cast was there - and she came up to me and said - "all they (audition panel) want to do is talk to eachother - so make sure you get their attention before you start.) Ah - I think this implied she did not get the reaction she wanted. I"m not sure if she was trying to psyche me out - or help me. That being said - it gave me a challenge. I LIKE challenges. I put on I AM THE WIFE OF MAO TSE-TEUNG on my headphones right up until the moment I went in the room - so I couldn't hear ANYONE else or anything else. I went to China and became a CRAZY PSYCHO CHINESE DICTATOR! It' s a weird battle cry - I know - but it helps me remember that I am ME - I am enough just as I am - I am the wife of mao tse-teung and when I appear the people hang upon my words! You WILL listen to me and I will be awesome! It helps me focus and get in the zone and be battle ready. Sometimes it works better than others - auditioning - for me - it a battle within my brain - I am my own worst enemy - I can psyche myself out by worrying about others - or just focus on myself. When I do the latter - the results are usually good - when the former - not so much. Today - fortunately - the result was good. i went in the room and sang my song probably better than I ever have! I was so pleased and had SO much fun in the room. The director commented on my "sassy legs." And the accompanist is actually the accompanist for Mary's workshops - and she gave me a HUGE thumbs up when I finished and when I talked to him later said I sounded really great. That made me SO happy! It gave me MUCH needed confidence. They asked me to dance - and then I read the breakdown and they said to bring TAP SHOES! ACK! GAH! SO I had to run home and get my tap shoes! And then - when the call started - the combination was MERCIFULLY ballet and I didn't need to tap shoes. (AND - I got my tights from Loralee.) They asked me and a girl on the tour of Wicked to come back and tap on Friday - shudder - TAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAPTAPTAP! I couldn't escape it! But - I've been whining that I feel out of shape and not challenged - now I have a HUGE challenge. Gotta fake it until I make it - and wake up early next two days to take tap before going to my matinees of MFL! And I am just so exceedingly happy I got over my weird confidence demons to audition to the best of my ability today - even WITHOUT my dress!:) And I'm glad to be grouped in with a girl on the WICKED tour. The casting director told us he just love us both so much and would love to have us tap. (He might not love me so much after this - I've been BAD about tap. I've actually WORKED a LITTLE on belting - and can do a fake mixed belt - but tap - shudder - anything outside of the seagull tap dance will be exciting to say the least.) It would be an amazing job to have - but we will see. If I lose out on it because of tap - it mean A) I should actually take TAP - and B- it's understandable. I'd be sad if I was cut on ballet. Something I'm SUPPOSED to be good at.

Well - we don't know what the future holds. I was just glad to put in a good strong showing!:) Judges will score how they will - I'm competing against myself!:) And today - in my opinion - I won!:) (Knock on wood for this ENTIRE entry!)

Then I GOT TO HANG OUT WITH BILL! Bill Loralee and I went to see LION KING in 3-D (my first time seeing it on the big screen) - then I got a slice of pizza they each got a slice of cake/pie. We laughed and had a wonderful jolly good time! It was MUCH needed and refreshed me for the incredibly challenging exciting fun week ahead! Hopefully I'll be victorious!:)

weird entry about theatrical magic.

I love theatre. I just had to say that. I am so lucky I get to perform 5 days a week! (for now at any rate.) I love creating magic! I love creating an illusion. I loved it when I was working as a Disney Princess - I love it being a Cockney - I loved it being a sparkly fairy - I love it being a Chiquita Banana. I often wish the magic that happens on stage - the characters - the costumes - the MUSIC (ESPECIALLY THE MUSIC) existed off the stage. Is it wrong that I so prefer the fantasy to reality? Probably. But at this moment I don't care. I get to wear a big hat go to Ascot for ten minutes 5 nights a week. That's pretty darn cool. And if I'm (the production) is successful - so will the audience.

He's just my Bill.

I woke up this morning desperately missing my friend Bill. This is strange because Bill, can actually be very annoying and immature most of the time. But today - I just woke up craving his company. I figured out why. He is one BOUNDLESS mass of energy who just wants to talk a million miles per minute 24/7 about how awesome opera and Gilbert and Sullivan opera. He will talk about his favorite performers, his favorite songs, his favorite shows, his favorite renditions of each aria/character/show, obscure facts about the composer, his concepts for when HE directs the shows, his glee at being cast in cameo roles at Amore even though he can't sing, his joy in acting as a videographer for amore, his plans to make at home movies, his plans to composer, how he can play 8 instruments (kind of) and plans to learn more, about how to properly pronounce the words of operas/operettas in each language, how to read music, how to count rhythm, how to costume shows, you name it he will talk about it. His energy can often be repelling because it is so overwhelming, but today that is what I want. I truly appreciate it today! It SO much nicer than "ugh, do we have to be here? i have no energy? I don't know how I'll make it through this number or that number. ugh this show is so boring. ugh so many costume changes. Ugh the van suck. Ugh I just want to go to sleep. Ugh can we go home yet?" I want BILL and his billion suns worth of enthusiasm. It is infectious. When you are with him - you want to discuss brilliant things as well! And you want to be enthusiastic about what you are doing. He even makes scrambled eggs from a dive diner at 1 a.m. sound like a gourmet meal. Wherever he is - he will bring happiness and excitement. I miss Bill. And I will try to channel Bill and hope I can bring his infectious enthusiasm to my show - and hopefully have people talking about how wonderful things are! (First I'll have to get them to keep the freaking LIGHTS on in the dressing room - they like to have it "dark." Weird.) I miss Bill...

I just need to become the STAR so I can have my OWN dressing room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

almost press night

It's almost time for my first professional PRESS night! I wonder if any reviews will talk about the INCREDIBLE Mrs. Hopkins! (More than likely - they will write about the INSANE Lord and Lady Boxington who distract everyone in the Ascot scene. Both me and Lord Boxington seem to act high as soon as we put those very large hats on - and can't stop laughing about EVERYTHING - when we are supposed to be stone faced and snobby! Here's hoping we can hold it together during the next show!)

Cast is getting a LITTLE less negative. I've been battling them with Disney Princess attitude all over the place. Finally today - I said something as everyone was complaining about having to do TWO shows. I said something like - I'm thrilled! I GET to do two shows! I love performing and I'm so lucky to get to work on such a beautiful sow!" After I said that - attitudes all around seemed to change which was nice. They were like - oh yeah --- that is cool. Amazing how soon we forget how lucky we are!

Pickering and I went out to dinner tonight (everyone brought their food). Turns our he was the THIRD person VLOG was considering to direct IOLANTHE - which I found hysterical. He's a very sweet 65 year old man who has the same love of all theatre that you wold find in an eager high schooler. He's done many Broadway shows and his "survival" job was playing piano at a nightclub for SALVADOR DALI! WHAT? That's AMAZING!

I've also made friends with the tech crew and the musicians - who are all super sweet - and really the people you want to be friends with! If you stay on their good side they totally have your back! All of the girls were complaining about a backstage light being out but they didn't want to talk to the manager because he was evil. So I said I'd ask - I did - and lo and behold - the light was reinstalled. I hope I STAY on their good side!!! At least the lighting, sound, and props people are impressed that I've spent time on "their end" - I'm not just a crazy actor.

Our audiences seem to LOVE the show. I enter for bows from the audience. As I was waiting outside in the lobby, an old Italian woman who had left to use the bathroom - grabbed my hands and started crying and said THANK YOU ITS BEAUTIFUL. I found this a really sweet touching moment. A couple of ladies asked me if I could change the cockney accent because it was hard to understand - I giggled and explained - that was the point - the cockney and horrible and hard to understand - which is why the English should learn to speak properly! We've had genuine standing ovation every night - and using my incredible stalking skills - I found a few blog entries that gave us raves - even calling us Broadway's post out in Westchester. Truly - the leads are incredible - perfect for the roles - and the dancers are ridiculously athletic and amazing. Intimidating to me - but wonderful for the audience! Costumes are gorgeous - set gorgeous. Just beautiful.

I'm very glad I have Loralee and her boyfriend to come home to. They are such positive people. Cara and Kat also surprised me one morning and brought me telescope binoculars. Miss Danielle guested me into her dance class. I had a wonderful voice lesson with Mary. I'm very happy I have good friends at home, and I'm in a theater where I CAN go home at the end of the day. I think without that - I would go crazy. After the wonderful people I met in CARMEN, it's strange to be around this group of (dancer girls). Maybe it will get better. I asked Mary and some other friends the best way to deal with everything - and they said to be loud by example and behaviour - be incredibly nice to the techies, etc... and I think it's working - it certainly makes me feel happy because I can tell it makes THEM happy! I also leave the conversation/room the MOMENT any "gossip" or angry venting starts. I don't want to get dragged into any of that. I want to see the good in everyone - partly because that's the nice thing to do - and partly because - it's a small small world - theatre - you don't know who you'll work with again and who will be helpful in the future. I hope I can earn people's respect as a fellow performer! (Or even better - that I already have it and can maintain it or build upon it!) As I've said before, I'm there for the WORK - and every day I go in and put in a good day's work and I'm very proud of that! Onwards and upwards from here!:)

crazy girls

So this SHOULD be the blog entry where I write about how WONDERFUL everything is...but sadly - my overwhelming emotion is the "young" people in my cast are a bunch of spoiled brats with a sense of entitlement that would impress Blair Waldorf.

But before I go off about that - I should say something I feel VERY proud about is that every day I have gone in and put in an extremely good days work. To the best of my knowledge - this has been recognized by the creative team and older cast members. Both of the directors (or rather the director and choreographer) have complimented my acting numerous times. The director even praised me in front of the entire cast, which made me feel very proud, and pulled me aside and told me "I knew you could play this role (Mrs. Pearce) and you are proving me right." This made me feel exceedingly happy as the role of Mrs. Pearce (which I understand) is SO AGAINST MY TYPE it's not even funny. I play young glittery fairies. Mrs. Pearce is an old stern head of the house staff maid. The lady who actually plays Mrs. Pearce was out for all but the last two days of rehearsals, so I played the role throughout all of rehearsals. I recently learned how ridiculously lucky this was, because the best of my understanding, I will be the only understudy the creative team sees and works with. I am told they "leave" after we open, and understudy rehearsals start the next week. The music director and his assistant keep talking about my "opera training" which cracks me up - since I actually have none, and the music director mentioned that he thought I would sound beautiful singing Eliza's songs (he's right - lol) and that he wanted to talk to his friend who works with the NYGilbert and Sullivan society (an EQUITY G&S group about me.)

The older cast members are where I have found my kindred spirits. The lady I understudy is a HUGE John Adams (composer) fan - and saw Nixon in China a few times. As did the lady playing Mrs. Higgins, who happens to be a member of Mensa, and she brings me videos to watch and publications to read. The man who plays Doolittle is very similiar in that he brings me podcasts and c.d.s to listen to and tells me stories of his "life in theatre" which makes me feel as though I am back at the RSC. Pickering, Higgins, and Eliza are also incredibly kind wonderful people, as are the "crew" (i.e. stage management, lights, props, sound.)

However, the girls with whom I share a dressing room - make me want to scream. I come to this production having worked at VLOG and Amore where I had to freaking help build the set and sew my own costumes, I have WORKED as a dresser, stage manager, lighting designer, props person, producer, assistant director (aka - director bitch), dramaturg, front of house, etc... I have worked with some of the best companies and directors in the world, and I have worked with some of the worst, I have tried to self produce/fill every role in a theatre, and I have been the lead in an opera. So I come to this production - thrilled to be performing in a professional theatre, excited to create "magic" for the audience - for the show is TRULY one of the most elegant productions I have ever seen. (Kat and Cara were SHOCKED when I said I loved the directors, had NOTHING to criticize, AND that is is a traditional production sung in English where people aren't dressed in tin foil or something else weird and artsy.) And these girls - you would think they were having cavities filled. EVERY second all they can talk about is how HORRIBLE everything is. But not just that - they throw diva fits. For example, our very first run through with costumes and back stage crew, a costume was not put where it needed to be. So this girl THREW HER SHOES at the the dresser who was trying to help! SHE THREW HER SHOES and started shouting about how this is NOT acceptable! WHO THROWS THEIR SHOES AT PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?! IT was the FIRST time we ever even worked with costumes, how was the dresser even supposed to know where the costume was supposed to be!? Do NOT throw your shoes at ANYONE nikita kruschev on CRACK! Also, our transporation van broke down (well - it didn't break down really - that's another reallllly long story) - but point is - we dont have a van, so the theatre has been paying for our round trip train rides. At $18 a head, I think that's pretty generous. PLUS - they pay for the taxis from the train to the theatre. However, THIS apparenlty isn't good enough because one of the girls lives in BROOKLYN and the train only goes to Grand Central station (MIND YOU - THE VAN ONLY GOES TO 50th STREET - which has less trains than Grand Central) and she threw a diva fit about how she needed a special car/transportation to get her home because it took her an HOUR. WTF!? From Grand Central it takes MEEEEEEE an hour too! SHUT UP and DEAL WITH IT! We aren't in minnesota - BE HAPPY! We had to stay late for a photo shoot. Mind you, I'm vain and LOVE having my photo taken (see facebook) - but these girls threw a FREAKING FIT over having to stay and hour for photos during our FOUR AND A HALF HOUR DINNER BREAK! And during the group shot - they shouted mean things at the photographer such as "did you see the show - if you did you would know this isn't a pose in the show" or "You should watch the show." I mean - GUYS - we WANT PUBLICITY photos to be taken! We want the show to sell! PEACE OUT! Then these girls - who are NON-equity - starting bitching the the stage manager about how it was AGAINST the equity rules - so IIIIIII - as the "Equity Deputy" had to site the rule book that said no equity rules were being broken. And just EVERYTHING to them is horrible - the costumes, the wigs, the hours we have to be there, the fact the "have" to perform, or they "have" to dance, or how they are already sick of the show and we have FOUR HORRIBLE MONTHS OF THIS SHIT TO GO. (UMMMM - would you RATHER be working at anthropologie as a retail assistant - because THATS what you were doing the day before rehearsals started - stop bitching and be HAPPY you get to PERFORM and BE PAID! Or else - GO BE ON WALLSTREET and at least make decent money for your misery!) It drives me INSANE! Fortunately - I can escape with Mrs. Higgins, Mrs. Pearce, or Doolittle. A few of the tech crew said they appreciated me being nice to them, and I said - I've put in my time as a techie - and they said OOOOOH! Now it makes sense! When I said something about the costumes not being so bad (in fact - they are rather beautiful) one of the girls yelle at me about how I was WRONG - and I wouldnt be saying that if I had as many quick changes as her! (For the record - as a "singer/non-dancer" I am exempt from all the scene changes for some reason, tehrefore have less quick changes - but also manage all the "quick changes" with myself and the other singer/non-dancer - who is LOVELY. It's really just the dancers. GAH!

But overall - the show is BEAUTIFUL - its a gorgeous production -and the leads are PHENOMENAL! We've had standing ovations every night, and huge audience reactions - laughing, sighing, gasping, swooning, they seem really into it. The stage is a thrust stage, which is what the RSC uses, and it is therefore my favorite - and the production is just wonderful - in all my snobbery - I wouldn't change a thing!

I just hope dressing room life gets better...

too busy to blog...for tonight!

I think it is cool I was hired for MFL as a "singer/actor" not a dancer. I just hope I live up to expectations!

30

I know I'm supposed to be all scared about being 30 - but truthfully I'm not at all. I am happy. Happier than I've been in a very long time. The month before I turned 30 - gave me a lot of intangible gifts I've been seeking for a very long time. Peace with the RSC - a new apt. - some really fabulous friends - a performing JOB - and more! As a result - I'm incredibly excited about what the next year will bring. The professional goal is consistent performing work, to start getting a "fanbase" for pilates/beginning dance classes I teach, to get my blog up and running again, and create the one act opera JP, Eva, and I have been plotting. The personal goal is to find love (if that can even be goal I suppose more of a hope), to continue to strengthen the amazing friendships I have already made and meet even more people who enrich my life and challenge me, to continue to experience NYC as a "tourist" - taking advantage of all the city has to offer instead of sitting in my room watching re-runs of Gossip Girl, and to continue to learn through podcasts, meetup groups, and iTunesU courses. I would also love to find a way to become involved with UNESCO - and help keep the arts and sciences in congress' mind when they reallocate the numbers on the national budget. They aren't necessary for survival - but they make survival necessary. And on the homefront - Loralee and I are hoping to have our apt. a complete home by the end of the month! Here's hoping!

It's always hard to leave Florida - but at least this time - I have a lot of wonderful and exciting things to look forward to! Including - my MASQUERADE BALL! Hoorah! Here's to making 30 the most awesome year yet in all the best possible ways!:)

nerdom

I suppose I have always been a nerd - but since I've had a week to sit on my sofa and do nerdy tihings, I've actually realized how nerdy I am. I left my apt. only to go to a few pilates classes (don't wanna get flabby), go to an astronaut lecture, and go on a historical walking tour of lower Manhattan where I refrained from correct the Shakespeare quote the tour guide used. I caught myself up on the news, researched arts funding in the US and the world (HOW did I not know about UNESCO until tonight!?), and became addicted to SciFri the podcast. I listened to one act operas, watched the Vienna State orchestra and ballet company on t.v., and had some on-line music theory lessons with Candace. (Since I don't know my voice part yet for MY FAIR LADY, and I couldn't sing anyway, we decided to just work on the theory of chords. Of course, I wanted to work on NIXON IN CHINA chords - which are notoriously difficult. She kept giving me easier pieces and chords.)

Of course - this means I also havent done any of the things I desperately need to do - get a hold of housing works (though to my credit I did call them a lot - I just somehow was never near my phone when they called back) to have them come pick up my sofa and other goodies from the old apt. And drop off my keys to the old management company (which is in bumblefuck brooklyn - blech), go to Bed Bath and Beyond and pick up the other stuff Loralee and I agreed we needed for the apt, and other goodies like that. Make my dentist appointment. All the not fun things I would rather not think about - but of course - have to. Hopefully I'll get a hold of housingworks tomorrow. Still dont feel healthy though, which is freaking me out! I WANT TO BE HEALTHY! NO MORE GUNK IN MY NOSE OR SORE THROAT! BE HEALTHY! HEALTHY IS GOOD!

a little nightcap.

So just when I got to actually REALLY like auditioning (I mean - REALLY like - everything but the waking up early part) - I no longer have to audition. Except for things that start in February. Crazy! Or of course, Broadway things - because when you get one of those - you gotta go! And instead of being all stressed out in BATTLE mode or COMPETITION mode - waking up everyone really to make everyone hear me roar - I feel relaxed - and calm - and peaceful. It's a weird feeling...

I think my body knows what is going on and decided to collapse and get sick as well. BOO body! Just because you dont have to wake up and sing super pretty every morning does NOT give you permission to get sick! You always do this! STAY HEALTHY! HEALTHY IS GOOD! You better be feeling better when I wake up!!!!! BECAUSE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MEET NASA ASTRONAUTS IN THE MORNING!!!!!

I like lists!

This week I

-visited the HIGH LINE for the first time where I drank from water fountains that recited poetry!

-ate peekytoe crab dumplings at the Spice Market with the director of Iolanthe

-belted

-didn't die in Manhattan Mini storage

-went to book club (where we read the book BECOMING MADAME MAO)

-hung up some hanging wall shelves from IKEA

-listened to Stephen Hawking disprove the existence of a creator on Discover Channel.

-listened to five operas I have never heard before (in hopes of finding the one to direct)

-got hired for my first professional performing job

-finally went to astronomy club where I got to look through a telescope for the first time and see the perseid meteor shower.

Come one Dover!

I GOT MY MAGICAL E-MAIL. (who knew - it comes via e-mail not phone call.) It feels oddly - normal? People want to celebrate with me, but I'm kinda...calm? I think the main reason for this is that I am still so traumatized by the contract that was taken away from me that I am paranoid the same thing will happen again. I think this theatre is much more on top of their game though. (TOUCH WOOD!) As soon as my INK is on the contract - THEN I will pop open the bubbly!:) I also think I'm experiencing what Trouters described when he was cast as Romeo. You get all excited - YAY! Then you think - oh crap! This is going to be hard and scary. It's only a week of rehearsals, which is NOT a lot to learn an entire show! EEEEEK! I'm basically a put-in. (My understanding is - the rest of the cast performed this EXACT show before - a few weeks ago - and it is now transferring to the new theatre, and I am taking over at track of an actress who didn't, for whatever reason, do the transfer. I'm PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING they put me as a first soprano and not a mezzo. Mezzo = ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sort of at the mercy of whoever I am replacing I suppose. And LOTS of choreography to learn. PLUS I HAVE LINES! WITH A COCKNEY ACCENT! EEEEP! (I have a cameo part as a drunken cockney street woman/friend of Alfred Doolittle.) So the whole ordeal just as scary as it is exciting. (Though, as aforementioned, after I INK IT, I think it will be FAR more exciting than scary!) I'm up for the challenge. I think I've improved enough as a musician to carry my own part - even if it isn't first soprano. I just can't listen to the soundtrack and get first soprano in my head. (PLEASE LET ME BE FIRST SOPRANO!)

But don't get me wrong, it's an incredibly exciting contract! The director has even directed on Broadway! He seems to work a lot, so if I do a good job and he likes me, I might work a lot too! (Touch wood and cross fingers!) It's a LONG contract, which is apparently very enviable A) because it's always nice to be employed and B) It means I will qualify for health insurance. It's a contract where I can still live in the city and go to other auditions, do other projects, teach pilates, direct whatever one act opera we come up with, and basically still carry out evil plans galore! AND - there is a Christmas hiatus which means I can go home!:) It's also apparently a very good regional theatre. Even Reinking was impressed. The guy who was the original Jekyll/Hyde in Jekyll and Hyde works there a lot as a director and performer. AND - it's MY FAIR LADY. I mean - who doesn't love MY FAIR LADY!? I COULD HAVE DAAAAAANCED ALL NIGHT! I COULD HAVE DAAAAANCED ALL NIGHT! And stiiiiiiil have beeeeggggged for moooooooore!:)

So - here we go! Tighten up you dance belts! We're going INTO THE FIRE! HOPEFULLY a soprano fire but we'll be ready for ANYTHING!

I GOT A JOB! I WILL SOON BE WORKING ACTRESS! And they are already building my costumes!

This also makes me feel MUCH more justified in quitting my job at STEPS. Truly though, how could I continue after my magical night with Boydy? When I first wrote to Boydy, I wrote that I would be happy to clean toilets for the RSC, and he responded with "I'm going to make sure you never have to clean toilets." WTF self - REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE! You are Boydy's guest - you are with the company - and worth so much more! Capable of so much more. Ready for so much more. I'm not sure I can ever put into words what that night gave back to me --- released in me - how it empowered me - but that's o.k. It doesn't need to spoken - it needs to be acted upon - and I feel I am doing that. And I am SO THANKFUL the universe gave me those few hours of much needed Boydyness and Trouterness. Thanks to that - I now feel I am free and able to fly and reach my full potential!:)

nervous

No really...as I listen to Annie - why was I not called back for Grace? The SOPRANO? I'm scared of belting...wobbly knees and all! I want to just go in and sing it operatically - because that's what I do best! ACK! I'm scared and want to hide under my covers. But I won't. INTO FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!

I WANT TO SHINE!

I seriously think I'm going to go insane. Or maybe I AM in sane. I am seriously going to go insane if I don't receive a magical phone call soon! I am obsessively checking the website that say whether or not casting offers have gone out. I fell as though I have been holding my breath waiting to exhale. I know I should just CALM DOWN - but I can't - the excitement is too much - the possibility - the hope. I've been SO CLOSE! IT'S TIME TO BE THERE! COME on phone! RING!

BTW - I can belt now. I don't know what happened. It's no ethel merman - but it passes well enough for a dance call or something.

BLAH! BUT RING RING RING RING RING RING RING!

I've been trying to distract myself by doing apartmenty things, doctor appointments, bill paying, paperwork, figuring out the muscles for musicians dance classes with Cara and JP, and an original one act opera to direct with JP, his friend Athena, and my friend Eva, learning new music for myself, the usual dance classes, sadly - there aren't many auditions this week - just my ANNIE callback (COME ON NEWFOUND BELT ! LET'S GET ME A JOB!) All of which SHOULD mean - I am BEYOND busy - yet - my stupid brain just thinks - RINGRINGRING!

I am seriously going to go INSANE!

Even hanging out with Michael who is visiting from Germany, or the director of Iolanthe, or visiting the highline for the first time, doesn't seem to distract me! BLAAAAAH!

It's so exciting - so nerve-wracking - so hopefuly! PLEASE HOPE COME TO FRUITION FOR ONCE! Let me not just BELIEVE it can happen - let me WITNESS it happen! Everyone keeps saying if I don't get it - there's something better waiting int he wings - but I'm done with waiting int he wings - I'm ready to take center stage! Ready willing and able! LET ME SHINE!:)

conspiracies...

It's nice to have things happening - and conspirators to conspire with. I hope some of these projects see it all the way through to fruition. The amore opera group seems really enthusiastic and gung-ho - so we'll see! It may just all work out!

stir crazy

IS GOING CRAZY WAITING FOR EVERYTHING! MAGICAL PHONE CALLS LEASES CABLEGUYS! JUST - AMAZINGNESS HAPPEN ALREADY! THANK YOU!

Just around the riverbend

Hoping for magical phone calls of MANY kinds - jobs - callbacks - apt. leases being approved - come on magical phone calls! I know you can do it!

And so many exciting things happening - my friend Eva and I on a quest for a brand new one act opera to be produced by fat conductor man and Amore Opera directed by MOI! for this coming Spring - Loralee and me planning our cabaret FINALLY - dance class for opera singers coming to a studio near you in two weeks! (Studio near you if you live in NYC). Cool lead for the "Persephone project." Manhattan Mini Storage coming to pick up all my crap on Sunday. CABLE coming Saturday! (With tivo so - I can record weird operas for MYSELF!)

And I did my big girl stuff today - like forwarding my mail. I'm bad at big girl stuff - I'm much better at being a fairy princess - but big girl stuff has to happen for the glitter to happen as well.

And other goals to becoming a better performer!

-I need to take a monologue class - so I can go to these straight theatre auditions and be awesome!

-I need to do the "pay to play" workshops with the casting directors so they get to know me and know how awesome I am!

-I need to put together a video reel - so I can put it on-line and people can see how awesome I am.

-Try to get an agent - who will get me awesome appointments for leads in shows so I can book work! YAY! Work is good!

It's just around the corner ! I can feel it! COME TO ME!!!!!!

hungry

I am SO HUNGRY for amazing things to happen. I am so hungry to book a paying show. I am so hungry to do meaningful work - whether it be teaching dance to opera singers, performing at the Met, directing "fairies and scaries" Shakespeare excerpts in the park - I am salivating for everything to happen! I can hardly stand it. So many awesome scary exciting and hopefully enriching changes happening. I can feel it in my blood and in my bones - his excitement this drive this need this confidence - and a HUGE silver lining. Maybe I'm still on a high from Friday - or maybe Friday gave me the push I needed to fly - but I am so ready to take flight and SOAR! It's gonna happen and happen soon!:)

a wonderful conspiracy

Today the world conspired against me in a most wonderful way. I got lost in Central Park. How? I will never know. I walk through that park on a multi-daily basis - just because I like to. I swear - walls popped up that were never there before, paths took me in weird windy directions. I was angry and pissed off and confused - when the park finally spat me out - I crossed the street - and there was Boydy. I am fully convinced the universe created this labyrinth just to make this meeting happen. And for the next 7 hours - I was with "Michael" and a beautiful princess and respected RSC member "with the company" who didn't have to pay for her house seat - and it was wonderful.

Too bad I can't say the same for Sam. :-( He performed well, but man, was he in a dark place. It breaks my heart because he has always been an angel to me. I wish he was happier at the moment.

But - I wasn't his guest tonight, as I was during R&J. Tonight I was Boydy's. And it was natural - like I never missed a beat, and it was wonderful, and happy, and home.

Thank you universe and/or central park - for giving me what I have needed for a very very very long time. Thank you thank you thank you. It's always nice to end the night flanked between Boydy and Trouters. Nice...and VERY rare - I'm actually not sure that's ever happened before. It was nice.

too much to compute

What a WEIRD two weeks. I think just about everything happened except me ACTUALLY getting a job.

I was with Sam - then Sam got hurt - now Sam is very sad - and I don't get to hang out with him. Sam shouldn't be sad.

I've slept in 6 different beds. (And no...not THOSE kinds of beds...)

I've beat down a little bitchy man who thought he and his boyfriend could best my dad.

I'm been denied. I've been almost approved. I been cut. I've been callbacked. I've been up for leads of shows I was cut in the first round for. I've been apologized to by a producer for the fact everyone on the creative/production team BUT the director liked me. I've learned so much music. I've throw out so much. I've FOUND so much. I've been VERY hot. I spoke in an English accent. I've eaten almost no protein to my dismay. I've been praised. I've been insulted. I've been lied to. I've seen humans at their bitchy worst. I've seen people being incredibly kind and giving. I dressed up as Severus Snape to see Harry Potter. I saw the current US space program end. I saw people care more about Amy Winehouse than Norway - or the Space Program or Rupert Murdoch or possibly Harry Potter. I've packed a HUGE bedroom up and am making it fit into a smaller bedroom - esp. thanks to bed bath and beyonds special space saving hangers and shoe racks. I've been the LEAST emotional person in a situation - which is TRULY rare for me. I look forward to being settles so I can focus on my career and my friends - and just be happy.