entering 2012

The year 2012 - it strikes fear into the hearts of all those who believe in the ancient Mayan calendar. It strikes fear into me too - but not for the same reason.

I don't believe that the world is going to end in some cataclysmic disaster. Earth won't get split into two or be hurled out of orbit. But if it is - hey - at least I was there to see how it all ended.

What scares me so much more if my own little world. So much I want to make happen - so much I'm scared I won't.

For the first time in my life I feel old. Like - o.k. there is stuff that was supposed to be done by now. Why isn't it done? Things that range from the silly, trivial, and mundane to things that are survival skills and life milestones. I want to run backwards on the timeline - but I know that's not how it works. You gotta plug along forward. There's so much I want to learn and so little time to learn it. So many frustrating conversations that don't seem to contribute or enrich.

I hope my happy wishes and dreams come true for 2012.

scared.

There are lots of things scaring me right now. I guess they are scary - and exciting - and sad - and not sad at the same time.

Petrified I won't be able to make it work. Petrified I won't be able to make enough money doing anything. Petrified that my life of believing that I am meant for something is just a fake belief. Scared that I'll be just another sad story --- I reallllly don't want to be a sad story. I want to be a happy story of success and sparkles! Scared I'll never find romantic love. (Wasn't that supposed to have happened now?) Wasn't everything to have happened by now.

My friend I visited with tonight told me to set deadlines and make it all happen. It NEEDS to all happen in 2012. This needs to be the year I step up to the plate and make it work. And I'm horrified! And behind that horror - is a lot of excitement - ready to step into my spotlight and shine!:)

ready to sparkle again.

I feel ready to sparkle again. It only took three days of rejuvenation - but I feel like I'm ready to go out and conquer the world! Maybe it's the Goodspeed callback. Even thought the callback is for my declared choreographer foe - it still feels really nice to get a "final" callback for an awesome theatre!

So much to work on - so much I need to do and improve upon - so much I feel ready to do - it's a very strange paradox - feeling ready and completely unready all at the same time!

And - I'm DEFINITELY enjoying not having to wake up early!:) Just praying my body doesn't crash like it did last Christmas! That was so sad! I WANT TO BE HEALTHY!

Knock on wood!

random!

Just to give you an idea of how RANDOM casting/auditioning is -

Every day last week - I went in an audition for the SAME MAN behind the table - whether it was dance or singing - it was a choreographer who obviously just didn't like the way I walked into the room or SOMETHING. I couldn't do a thing right! Even the monitor unsolicited came up to me and said my dancing looked really great and it was really fun to watch me - but NOPE!

Then today - I went to the final chance to audition for this group of three shows (there are EPAs, ECC singer and ECC dancer calls for each show) - it was an ECC singer call. And I SUCKED. Like - it was the worse I've possibly ever sang my audition song. I almost ran out of the room out crying. But one of the guys behind the table (WHICH WAS LACKING THE MAN WHO HATES ME) said - "you dance? Wow - you really dance don't you? And you have a fabulous voice! Would you be willing to come to a dance call back if we asked you to?" Me in amazement because I thought I sucked - of course. Man behind the desk - great thank you! (He writes something on my resume as I walk out.)

So - I can go in and totally SUCK and get SOME sort of a positive response (I guess we gotta see if they ACTUALLY call me back to dance) - where I can KICK ASS every other day - but the man behind the desk just didn't like me for whatever reason. Of course now - if I DO get the dance callback - it will be for the choreographer - aka - the man behind the desk who hates me. But - what can you do I suppose? Just go in and do you best.

Perfect example of how random this world is!

caroling

I put together a christmas caroling event today and it worked! Seven of us - (two sopranos, three mezzos, one tenor, one bass who all actually sang in harmony!!!!!:)))) walked from the Time Warner Center to FAO Schwartz to the Rockefeller Christmas tree and sang carols! At the Rockefeller tree we even gained groupies who requested songs and watched out whole "concert!" Somewhere we are on several people's home videos and facebook "Our Trip To NYC" albums. I gotta say - it was kinda cool! And I can now check Christmas Caroling off of my holiday things I want to do one day! I think next year, we'll actually rehearse - and maybe even have a little "singer" choreography!:)

poem

[IF]
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Just rediscovered this poem - a very good poem for right now.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

(The infamous Pita Chip Incitident)

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,

(Stupid Other Soprano telling me I don't deserve my track and making me feel all weird about Mrs. Pearce)

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

(OH! Waiting for those magical phone calls!)

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

(Sound board op telling everyone I'm having mad kinky sex with him)

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

(The mean people)

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

(Just good advice all around)

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

(oh - Phelim...and the dream that will never be)

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

(everything I SAY I'm going to do but then never DO - action is eloquence!)

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

(gotta do it. Callback no callback - phone call - no phone call - criticism - praise.)

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

(Oh - so many)

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

(every audition one doesn't book)

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

(Again - auditions - amongst MANY other things)

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

(the antidote to exhaustion isn't necessarily sleep - it's whole heartedness)

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

(I have walked kings - kind of MY world - and I've had to learn to not let that be the first thing out of my mouth - people don't really respond well. Well - And I was in the same room as Prince Charles once! lol!)

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

(But if I love myself enough then loving you won't be so rough)

If all men count with you, but none too much,

(Gotta let go of this hero worshipping thing!)

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

(SO TRUE!)

--Rudyard Kipling