pixie dust!

Wasn't seen at Finian's Rainbow dance call - I cried.  It is a show that wants legit ballet dancers.  GAH!

I feel all I ever do in this blog at the moment is whine.  I'm waiting for something amazing to happen.  I waiting to get kept, called back, HIRED, be loved, meet someone who is amazing and excites and challenges me intellectually and/or artistically, some sort of divine inspiration, or the magical meeting of minds and collaborators.  Where is everyone and everything hiding?

Alena and I are going to look at a theatre for our showcase.  her parents are going to put down money to rent the theatre which is AMAZING!.  However, I worry that we wont be able to get together a group of people who are actually talented enough to put together a worthy showcase.  I worry I'm not ready.  My voice is good, but needs fine tuning - I feel very inadequate due to lack of training - even though i dont actually believe I am inadequate.  I'm so confused about everything dance right now - except for ballet.  Yoda --- and Female Yoda --- are great.  Everything non-ballet just makes my head spin - in a bad way.  Auditions are so infuriating with never being seen but waiting around for hours and hours and hours.  And everyone keeps telling me - you have to pay your dues.  But I feel - I DID pay my dues!  I paid it doing all those poorly paying assistant directing jobs where I was treated like crap but did more work than almost anyone on the production team.  (FYI - WIW was an AMAZING assistant directing job where I was treated fabulously!)

I also feel a little forsaken by Rovert.  In my paranoid head I think he hates me and that is why he hasnt responded to my letter about ADing A Little Night Music - or really - anything he's done in the past three years in NYC.  I thought I did a good job - but maybe I didnt?

So what do I do?  Where do I go?  Am I too spread out?  If so - what should I focus on?  I know the answer needs to come from inside myself - but no one seems to be able to offer any outside opinions.  It makes me want to scream scream scream scream scream scream scream!

Then, socially, I've come to realize a lot of people have been using me - using me to cover their work shifts, to help them get jobs back after they are fired, etc... And I'm a little tired of it.  So I find I keep throwing hissy fits - instead of laughing all the time (My laugh used to be infamous - you could hear it in the stairwell if I was in the girls dressing room) - I just cry and hissy all over the place.  BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  What is up with me?  This isnt who I am!  I am a happy fun loving adventurous creative hard working person with a crazy laugh!  I want the good times back!

So I'm seeking something wonderful - something wonderful to happen - all I need is faith and trust - and a little bit of pixie dust!

BLAH

BLAH -----

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!

This has been an annoying few days -

I've had food poisoning - which involved a lot of puking - I ate a peanutbutter and jelly today - Now I feel sick again - 

I subbed at work for this guy for three weeks - because he said he would sub for me in July when I go to Sanibel - but now - he is quitting work study so he can't - and the other guys who owed me shifts just thought of a thousand excuses why he couldnt do it  - the other guy who can sub is also going away - this sucks - I am super mad.

BLAH BLAH BLAH!

At least the red wings are going to the championships ---

update

Sorry I've not written anything in so long.  I've been very busy trying to re-assess my "training"/ approach to auditions - I think with some success - it's just frustrating and difficult - but also exhilirating with a healthy helping of feeling you are actually accomplishing things.  A lot of people have given me really good insight and advice - which is so great. 

I've also picked up my Buffy the Vampire Slayer watching - which - I know isnt really in the same category as the above paragraph   - but its fun.  And to my credit - Joss Whedon  - the director and creator - have some of the most effective and inventive filming techniques I've ever seen - and the script writing is hysterical, witty, and creative.

I saw Mermaid again tonight - Sierra is so magical on stage.  But the audience was rather rude - talkative - and the goup sitting directly behind me decided they should bring mcdonals to the theatre and eat it only during the quiet numbers - BLAH!

Hung out with Reinking alst night -we made and ate chocolate cupcakes - yum - watched "the nanny diaries" whichw as a cute movie - and made plans to go to the natural history museum - where I can finally se the display that started the entire "is pluto a planet or not" debate.  

And of course we are cheering for the Red Wings!  Woohoo!

So I spoke with Yoda today about how to best get the dance training I NEED for these Broadway auditions - what are the best classes etc...  He said that STEPS was actually NOT a good place and I SHOULD go to Broadway Dance Center - because the jazz teachers are CURRENTLY choreographing for Broadway and professional theatres.  (The ones at Steps all choreographed 20 years ago - so what they are doing is not CURRENT and therefore - ultimately - not nearly as helpful in an audition setting.)  He recommended some courses he would recommend - and reminded me that HE teaches there too - so perhaps I should consider working there instead.  Haha.  The problem is - they dont have nearly as good a work study program.  You only get 1 discounted class for every hour you work - and the discount is not nearly as good.  At steps I get unlimited $3 classes for 4 and a half hours of really easy - kinda enjoyable - work.  Blah.  So how do we work this out --- think think think.

I also found that BDC is doing this summer theatre summer intensive: http://www.bwydance.com/workshops/mtpp/index.shtml  It looks AMAZING - and you get to work with all kinds of current choreographers, get voice classes, acting classes, AND A SHOWCASE in front of AGENTS!  But you arent supposed to be older than 25.  Blah.  So - I figure I might apply - and see what happens - and if I get in - worry about the money.  

Also - my friend in Mermaid said he would start helping me NOW with the Mermaid audition dances - help me get the EXACT style etc... Mermaid auditions are in late July.  So - hopefully - I'll be perfectly groomed by then - between Mary - and Austin - and my tap teacher Derek said he would help me with the tapping as well.  German ooohed and ahhhed over my newly found chest voice - but said "in truth - your voice can sound really bad - but I like that - I dont like the opera - but I like your - under the sea or whatever you call it - Mermaid.  It is much better - and think in just four lesson.  Four.  You get that part."  Well - I dont know how I feel about that "in truth your voice can sound really bad part - or the I dont like the opera part - but - since the goal here IS to be in The Little Mermaid - I'll take the compliment in THAT arena.  

I also got four tickets to see ABT perform all balanchine this afternoon.  I went with Amanda and two others girls from ballet - who are super sweet and fun to be around.  It was a pleasant afternoon.  Until I tried Patti's class again - and ended up in tears.  GAH!  I either have manic depressive disorder or a tear duct problem - nobody should cry as many times in a day as I do!

Adam Lambert did not win American Idol.  It's ok.  I think Kris Allen needed the win - Adam will be a superstar no matter what.  Kris is not lacking in talent - Adam - in my opinion - is just a phenomenon.  I'm not going to begrudge a genuinely good guy of his happiness - even if vote for the worst is behind it.  

Kat and Cara came over last night - we watched hockey and Idol and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Finally in Season 5 things are starting to get good.  

Plotting Planning and Train Rides.

So I am writing this entry on the train –

 

It is rather an annoying train ride – I usually find train rides incredibly zen and peaceful – put on my beloved atonal music, stare out the window, and cleanse my brain.  This train is crowded and full of whining children.  Then again, I suppose at the moment I’m a whining child, I’m just whining in audible silence.

 

So I’ve had a wee bit of a nervous breakdown these past few days – but the good kind.  The kind where you realize something needs to be fixed, you want to fix it, and how to fix it.

 

So for me, what needs to be fixed is my training.  I have talent, but its very unrefined.  Well not VERY unrefined, but unrefined enough to make me be cut instead of kept at auditions.

 

What I have observed is people who graduate from BFA programs have the skills to adapt to any choreographers style WELL ENOUGH to be kept.  They also have a comprehensive “audition book” with many many styles of music – songs that are perfect for a 1940s musical, a rock musical, a Disney musical, an Adam Guettel Musical, etc… and they are all very well rehearsed and prepared – able to be busted out at a moment’s notice.  Then – when/if they are called back after singing their perfect song, they are prepare to adapt well enough to the dance.  Or – if they are kept after the dance – they are prepared to sing the perfect song.  All I have is a bunch of overused high soprano songs, Part of Your World, and a whole lotta ballet that can’t easily be molded to other types of choreography.  Blah.

 

So what is a girl to do?

 

Well, ideally I’d build a time machine – and go back in time – magically make me get into every Musical Theatre Program I auditioned for, and you know – get an MFA  But alas, HG Wells fiction has yet to become science.

 

So, instead, Ive decided to give myself a simulated accelerated MT BFA program.

 

At Michigan, they spend a few weeks on a specific dance style.  They learn how to do it well enough to make it through a dance audition.  Sure – they won’t be the fiercest Fosse dancer out there – but they can do it well enough that they can get hired.  So – I’m going to spend two weeks doing a different style of dance.  I’m going to DESPISE some of these weeks.  For instance – I really dislike Fosse.  Hip Hop makes me cry.  But – in addition to taking ballet and Jana – I’m gonna take to focus on a different style for two weeks at a time.  Like banana week – only with dance.  Hip Hop two weeks! 

 

Mary is a really great voice teacher and she has amazing connections. There isn’t really a WHOLE lot I can do there except practice what she gives me.  (Ironically I am now at the Philadelphia stop – where I once auditioned for Ariel!:))  I suppose I COULD try to practice different styles on my own  - but I just have no idea how to do it.  We started working on my “chest voice” during the last lesson.  It was scary.  My chest voice is all shy.  She told me “Its your money so we can work on whatever you want to work on – but I’m going to be honest with you and say that I don’t think your belt with ever become anything hireable.”  And I asked – well – what does Ariel do?  She said “she mixes – you can probably get a pretty good mix, but belting isn’t going to happen.”  And I said – I’m happy if I never belt a note – as long as I can sing PART OF YOUR WORLD the way its SUPPOSED to be sung.  So – we are working on mixing.  When you belt – you ONLY use your chest voice.  Its what makes it sound loud and brassy.  When you mix you use about 30% chest voice – and 70% head voice.  It’s a mind game for me – because I want to keep busting into my “legit soprano” – but we made a lot of progress!:-)   She then went on about my soprano voice and how that is my bread and butter – and is ridiculous that it sounds like that without a whole of training and practice – I think she may have just been massaging my ego – but it felt nice!:)

 

She also recommended an acting class to me.  I’m going to check it out.  She also suggested that perhaps my problem in dance auditions is “tension” – that is one of my biggest problems in singing.  I think she may be right.  I tend to hold all my tension in my left hand.  (It’s a VERY strange place to hold tension I know – but even Yoda is like – WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT LEFT HAND! )    At any rate – it makes the lines all look weird and the positions imprecise.  This acting class is supposed to help with that.  So – I’ll check it out.  Its an open class – none of that must sign up for a month’s worth.  It is also recommended by one of the major casting agencies – so it would be a good resume booster.

 

So yeah – that’s the plan.

 

Anyhoo – Last night was JP’s birthday – I ate a lot of Greek Food – lol.  Kat, Cara, and I dressed up as the eels from the little mermaid.  (Kat is obsessed with one of the Eels – Flotsam.) 

 

AMANDA IS BACK!  YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!  She was in Yoda’s class yesterday – so that was fun. 

 

GO RED WINGS!:)

SURPRISE!  I was cut from WICKED.  As I'm cut from EVERY FREAKING DANCE CALL!  I went to the bathroom and cried - then saw a girl I knew vaguely from steps on my way out and cried again.  Saw kat and cried. It's not so much that dancing in the chorus of Wicked is my dream job - as it is general frustration with the world.  I recognize I have not yet masted the skill necessary for being kept at an audition much less acquiring a job on Broadway.  I can accept that.  What frustrated me is people's general unwillingness to acknowledge this and help.  People who are suppose to be my TEACHERS tell me the reason I"m not kept is because of my leotard, or height, or shape, or hair color, or whatever.  My friends at the audition say "you never know what they are looking for" etc... etc...  sometimes it IS true - they need all the girls to be 5'7 and fit into a pre-existing costume.  However, there is something inherently WRONG if one is NEVER kept - even for original productions!  I think everyone has been brainwashed into this - support eachother and feel great about yourselves - say you are fabulous and the only reason you dont book a job is because your teeth are too big.  This does NOT make me feel good.  Accomplishing things and getting BETTER makes me feel good.  

I video-ed myself doing the Wicked choreography.  To be honest, I look fairly awful doing it.  I dont even recognize the steps.  The lines are all completely wrong, my hands are doing something funky, my head is often down when its supposed to be up, I'm not closing in a nice fifth position, movements are choppy, and positions are imprecise.  Oh I THINK I'm doing EXACTLY what the choreographer said - but I'm nowhere close.  I wouldnt keep me!  And I'm FURIOUS that NO ONE BOTHERED TO TELL ME I SUCK!  I mean - I'm in two or three classes every day.  Yoda and female Yoda have no problem telling me I suck and making me better  As a result, my ballet is pretty darn fierce.  (For a non-ABT ballerina.)  BUT WHAT ARE THE JAZZ AND CONTEMPORARY TEACHERS DOING?  The rhythm AINT the problem!  Why do't they tell me I have trouble adapting to the style and help.  I mean - I know I dont really pay for class because I work at Steps - but - I buff those floors!  And I want my 4.5 hours worth of floor buffing corrections!!!!  I want to know HOW to fix my psychotic hands - HOW to adapt to styles - HOW to make my head look in the right direction - etc...  I don't need someone to tell me how wonderful I am - I need a really mean hockey coach who tells me what a sissy I am  and makes me cry (which is not hard to do) and doesnt put up with any of my bullshit - but gets me to do the steps CORRECTLY and PRECISELY!  What is with this freaky hippie love we are all fabulous stuff?  And what is even more sickening is - EVERYONE JUST EATS IT UP!  They are like - I am fabulous I have no idea why I'm not kept - it must be because they only wanted tall blondes.  And when I insinuate that there may be a non-physical reason that I am not kept - it ruins their little bubble and they get mad - and cry - and I'm like STOP CRYING AND DOING SOMETHING!  But what to do I DONT KNOW!  I dont want to get a job because they want a medium sized brunette - I want to get a job because I am SUPER FIERCE.  I just want to be SUPER FIERCE. I CAN be super fierce - I just need GUIDANCE!  

So Kat and I went to see Little Mermaid to make ourselves feel better.  I thought - heck i need to see Sierra before she leaves.  We get there and SIERRA'S UNDERSTUDY IS ON!  GAH!  Not that I was disappointed - I knew Sierra's understudy was super fierce and is in fact taking over for Ariel - and I was TOTALLY planning on seeing her - in a few months ------ now I"m gonna have to see the show again within the next two weeks to see Sierra - I think this makes me officially creepy.  Kat LOVED the show so much.  That made me happy.  Understudy was FABULOUS.  STUNNING voice - she can belt so fabulously  - marvelous actress - great dancer - the most impossibly perfect abs known to woman - and the prettiest face I think I've ever seen - just the perfect Ariel.  I'm insanely jealous - but also enjoyed her performance immensely.  I also -------- bootlegged the performance on my recorder - so I can study the understudy's ever vocal nuance.  MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  

I got home and German asleep - but he WOKE UP for me - joy - and came out for chatting and staring - ugh - and said he was sad that I hadnt sung in a while - and after much prodding so I played my practice session from earlier in the day - and he informed me I have a lot of work to do and the last part of PART OF YOUR WORLD (where I belt) sounds "pretty bad actually."  Excellent.  I soudn pretty bad.  That was a GREAT way to end the day.  

I also ended up in the stairwell with Batman today - he ran away from me.  It was hysterical - he could not run fast enough.  Kinda pathetic actually.  Kinda sad too.  But it gave me my emotional ammo for the next week - so I'm good to go - tears, laughter, whatever - I'll be able to summon you at my will!  MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I also saw Batman's sisters ex-boyfriend -(He went through a similiar Batman family experience with the sister a few months prior so we have a special bond)  we shall call him W - W just got back from doing the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang tour.  I told him of my dance call woes - and he actually had some good advice to offer.  He said "you tend to move really big - so make your movements smaller and more precise."  This is the opposite of most people's problem- so in auditions they keep saying STEP WIDER -I dont really need to step wider - I just need to step controlled.  And he also said to pay a lot of attention to where the movement originates - the shoulder - the elbow - the hand.  That dictates the style - and is probably why I THINK I look one way - but end up looking another  I am putting my arm above my head - but if you lead with your shoulder you get a completely different looks than leading with your elbow or hand.  I thought that was helpful and something to focus on.  

Well tomorrow is a big day - two dance classes, work, voice lesson, and possibly and audition for a little night music directed by Rovert.  The reason I hesitate - is because the casting director is the casting director for Mermaid and Phantom.  I'm not right for any roles in Night Music - AND - I dont have a "perfect" audition  together yet.  Mary and I are working towards that - but for the moment - its not  a complete package - and I want to present myself to them in the best possible light - because those are my two shows man!  Phantom I can sing the heck out of - and Mermaid - well - need I go on about my love of mermaid.  

Not to mention - tomorrow is game 7 of the Red Wings/Ducks series - WINGS MUST WIN!  (otherwise their quest for Lord Stanley's Cup will be over - and that will just be depressing.)  WE MUST DEFEND OUR TITLE WITH HONOR!  Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah!:)  May the legend of the Octopus live on!:)

gah/

Goals for my Wicked Audition tomorrow:

To take LARGE steps.

TO REACH my arms.

To FOCUS and not look in the mirror.

SEAGULLS TO THE RESCUE!

So today I went to the South Pacific Dancer Call - here is what the call asked for: 

Please be warmed up and ready to dance when the call begins. Men: Sneakers or jazz shoes. Women: Heels and flats.

Ensemble Dancers (M/F): Any ethnicity. Ensemble members play a variety of physical types within the world of the show. Movement ability, musicality and good physical storytelling is essential. All must sing well. Ensemble includes (but is not necessarily limited to) the following: 

Henry:
45 – 70. DeBecque’s premiere servant. Islander with dark, aboriginal features. His watchful wisdom provides security to the household.


Marcel:
35 – 45. Henry’s assistant. Also an islander. Actor will cover Henry. 


Bloody Mary's Assistant:
Tonkinese, 28 - 33. Actress understudies the principal roles of Bloody Mary and Liat. Seeking a strong mezzo who moves well. 


Nurses:
Caucasian women, 22 - 35. Variety of looks and body types. Well-educated, tight-knit group. They should embody the openness and generosity of the period.


Sailors:
Caucasian and African American men, 18 – late 30s. For these characters, seeking real-looking Marine bodies. Skinny is good. Coming from all social classes, they are the heart and soul of the musical, serving their country with open and innocent spirits. Idealistic young men committed to this adventure.

Notice - NOWHERE does it say ANYTHING ABOUT TAP!  NO TAP!  NOT A TAP CALL!  NO TAP!

So I get there - and go in the room - and the choreographer says "Surprise - it's a tap combination - I didn't want to put tap on the audition notice because I didn't want you to know."  (WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?)  SO there I am  in the room - learning a tap combination.  I have three choices - I can run, I can cry and be miserable, or I can just say what the hell - I"m gonna look ridiculous no matter what - may as well have fun.  Turn out - he says - now throw all your tap technique out - you're nurses who don't know how to dance - just kinda picking it up.  (EXCELLENT!  I can TOTALLY throw my tap technique out - the whole two steps I know!)  And then he has 8 counts of improv where we are supposed to make him laugh.  (EXCELLENT!  I can't improv tap - but I sure can do one crazy tap dancing seagull impersonation!)  So I legitimately had a blast - laughing at myself - how ridiculous it all was - I dont think I stopped smiling through the entire call.  It got down to my group of 3 - and I smiled and laughed my way through - during my "Improv Solo" I busted out some seagull - and I made them laugh - I was the only girl who made them laugh!  (I practice my seagull!!!!!) And they apparently really liked me!  They didnt keep anyone - nor were they making piles - but apparently they liked me - so  I consider this a huge victory!  ANd I had fun.

New Plan - or rather - first or revised plan

I watched the U of M musical theatre showcase last night - one thing that struck me was that only one girl sang legit - the rest belted their faces off - some more successfully than others - and - among the GIRLS - they all blended together.  (THe guys showed much more diversity - but more on that tonight - I just need to get some other stuff out now.)

So - basically - I feel extraordinarily inadequate having not received the formal training that these musical theatre program students have/had.  They were such complete packages - some more impressive than others - but all very well put together.  I feel like a piece of marble that someone has been hacking away at - but does not yet belong in the museum.  So - obviously - I didnt get IN to any MT programs - so yeah - can't do that - so I have to make my own.

So here is my plan.

Voice Lessons: JP and Mary - when Mary goes to Italy - which seems to be often - I'm gonna try Reinking's teacher - who is half the price.

Group Voice: Broadway Dance Center offers group voice lessons for $18 - seem like a decent deal.  Going to try those - see what they are about.

Dance: Yoda and Female Yoda for Ballet obviously - and Derek for Tap - I'm going to try two new theatre dance teachers - and maybe - shudder - skip Jana so I can take Latin - which is very important for dance auditions - and I - kind suck at it.

Acting: Mary is very helpful - but I need to find something to help me with this.  I know I"m supposed to be this great director and all - and not NEED acting classes - but to be honest - I'm actually very bad at acting myself.  Maybe not acting in the sense of scene work - but I seem completely incapable of acting while SINGING.  And one can always use work on acting acting.  There is this place called Stage Door Connections which offers workshop with industry folk and casting directors.  A lot of people who I trust recommend them.  (THey are who I'm taking the WICKED workshop from.)  So - I'm going to keep an eye on them and see which look the most helpful and sign up.  STEPS also offers workshops - and since I get an extreme discount from them - I'm going to start taking those too.  

Alena and I are working on OUR showcase - so hopefully that will help meet industry people.  I just want to be prepared for when I do - why am I not Sierra Bogges NOW!?  lol.

Cool things about the past few days!:)

Cool things about today:

Lunch with Alena - made lots of exciting progress regarding our showcase!  HOOOORAY!

Saw a Little Mermaid event with Kat.  

Got to use my new recorder to record my singing whilst buffing floors - I really think Mary is helping my voice.  I'm very picky - so there is a lot that is driving me CRAZY about my singing at the moment - but it's getting better - so that's good.  

The Red Wings won - bringing the series to an even 2-2 - GO FRANZEN!

Reining got me a ticket to the UM MT showcase tomorrow!  WOOHOO!  (she had to use cunning since only MT alumni are allowed to go.)

Cool things about yesterday:

AMAZING voice lesson - his the G above high C  - and actually got "into the moment" for the first time - I cried whilst singing IF I LOVED YOU.  I've never been able to conjur up emotions on cue - most excellent.  As a result I hen went to the South Pacific audition and was able to conjur up my emotions again - instead of being all nervous about hitting notes.  Woohoo! 

Yoda gave me a correction in the BIG class - which sounds lame- but it's actually a really big deal.

Adam Lambert made it to the final 3 on American Idol!:)

Cool things about Tuesday:

Kat's birthday - Kat and I dressed up as Mermaid characters --- Jean-Paul was a Pirate  - Cara was Cara - German was a kinda creepy observer.  We ate fondue and danced around and sang and played a drinking game called Turtle which was hysterical.  Good times all around.

So there is the update. 

I'm still obsessed with --- figuring everything out - haha - re: career - but hey - that  is a GOOD thing to be obsessed about!)

starfish

Well - I wanted this entry to be entirely about how I saw Starfish pastie girl at steps today and had a happy convulsion on the floor.  Or how I got to go home and sing for three hours in the middle of the day - sang through Mermaid and Wicked and some King and I.  Or how Cara came to Yoda's class and kept me company - and Mrs. Yoda had a really supportive conversation.  Or how Danielle helped me with words of encouragement during Patti's class.  All those things DID happen.

Sadly - as I go to bed - the predominant thought in my head is how a friend broke my heart.  This friend (female) - was dating another friend of mine (male).   They broke up - and female friend has seemed to become vengeful.  In her attempts to get back at male - she said some of the most hurtful things that could have ever been said to me - low blows to say the least - in fact - some of the words - meant to teat me and other friends apart - echoed the manipulative lies told Batman said when he wanted me and Casey and his sister to all hate each other.  Female friend knew this.  The fact she would bring it up - was heart breaking.    

Worse - she claimed that any hurt I felt regarding Batman was invalid because we weren't dating.  How DARE she judge my emotions - what I gave to Batman - what I felt good bad or ugly - and say that I don't know what it is like to be hurt?  And she said and that I was a bad friend for taking male's side - when that was not what I did at all.  I told her to not send hateful emails or behave in any rash ways - but apparently because I refuse to NOT talk to male friend I'm an awful person.  Esp. when she blacklisted Batman.  It is NOT the same thing at all!  Male friend has served as my vocal coach for the past five months - I've known since I was 14 - he has proven a valuable trustworthy friend - he makes mistakes - but he learns from them - and has always been there to help me - AND my friends - And female friend.  No one likes Batman - and those who did found themselves fucked over.  I understand she is hurt - but what she asks is unfair.  Then in what felt like a last minute attempt to get me to blacklist male friend - she told me male friend said all these awful things about me behind my back- but refused to tell me what they were.  The worst part of this is - when I begin to think that I finally have a good supportive healthy group of friends - someone has to try and tear it apart like in such an ugly hateful low way.  I had wanted to remain friends with them both - but can I be friends with someone who can have such little respect for my feelings to say such awful things  about me and people I love?  I already lost one very close friend this year - I can't bear to lose another.  I have done EVERYTHING in my power to try and be supportive and loving of both - but I find myself here - once again - heartbroken - trying to rebandage a wound I thought was healing.  Female friend ripped open every stitch with such hurtful words.  I understand she is upset - she was hurt very badly too.  I do not condone male friends hurtful actions - however - I do not believe they were done with malicious intents - and that he is truly sorry - and he has enriched my life so much I simply cannot blacklist him.  I hate feeling like a horrible person -I try so hard to be a good person - why does it always end up such a mess!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  I don't know if female friend reads this or not - female friend if you do - know I love you very dearly - but you have to know how much your words affect me  - I want to support you - but you can't say those things - it kills me inside.

How would YOU handle the situation?  Please - if you have input give it!

I can't sleep because I was crying so hard - not even watching Mermaid is helping --- 

batman decieves yoda

Today Yoda remembered he liked me - which was fabulous - talked about Broadway - ballet etc...

Unfortunately - this also resulted in Yoda saying - "I heard from our friend (Batman)  He should be returning to class in a week and a half - he's been in INDIANAPOLIS which is why he hasn't been in class."  Me:  oh...... really?  (thinking WTF HE ISNT IN INDIANAPOLIS!?!?!?!?!?!?!  HE'S BEEN TAKING TRESSOR!  I SEEEEEEE HIM!  My GAY BOYS SEE HIM!)  Yoda: Yes - it's for his business - iphones - he sells them you know - he has to pay all of his family's bills - the father doesnt help at all!  Me: oh really?  wow...  (in my head - WHAT!  YOU DO REALIZE HE HAS NEVER SOLD A SINGLE IPHONE USES MY CONTACT INFORMATION AND 'PAYS' THE BILLS BECAUSE HIS DAD GAVE HIM A $30,000 loan to start his "business" - which instead of STARTING A BUSINESS - HE USES TAKING FREAKING 16 and 17 YEAR OLDS TO BROADWAY SHOWS AND LYING ABOUT IT!!!!! AND TAKING $100 cab rides out to NJ to see these freaking 17 year olds - or - buying ipods which he CANT USE BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE A COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!)  Anyway -  Yoda: "his mother ruined his life you know - someone needs to get him to talk - tell what he is really feeling."  Me: yeah - ---- (in my head: WHAT THE FUCK I GOT HIM TO TALK!  I LISTENED TO HIS BULLSHIT ABOUT HOW HE THINKS HE IS BATMAN AND IS UPSET NO ONE SUPPORTS HIS MISSION TO BECOME A SUPERHERO AND HOW HE ONLY DOES BALLET FOR SUPER HERO TRAINING - AND HIS BULLSHIT ABOUT HOW ---- well - his feelings towards - Casey - Me - Amanda - his lies about his business - his family - his dance career - heck - even what he eats - or movies he sees - or dance shoes -  EVERYTHING!!!!!)  Yoda: well - I guess we'll see him soon - it will be good to have him back.  Me: yeah - well - i tried to be as good a friend as possible - so Little Mermaid audition are coming up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT I DIDNT TELL YODA THE TRUTH!  I just - remained out of it - I decided it was better to fein ignorance to not get pulled in - but HOW CAN BATMAN STILL  - GAH!  I DONT EVEN TALK TO HIM!  OR SEE HIM!  GAH GAH GAH!

Fortuantely - Italian food ice cream - JP - Kat - and Cara - make life better - and of course - two hours of singing WICKED in the STEPS lofts as I buffed floors!