I feel all I ever do in this blog at the moment is whine. I'm waiting for something amazing to happen. I waiting to get kept, called back, HIRED, be loved, meet someone who is amazing and excites and challenges me intellectually and/or artistically, some sort of divine inspiration, or the magical meeting of minds and collaborators. Where is everyone and everything hiding?
Alena and I are going to look at a theatre for our showcase. her parents are going to put down money to rent the theatre which is AMAZING!. However, I worry that we wont be able to get together a group of people who are actually talented enough to put together a worthy showcase. I worry I'm not ready. My voice is good, but needs fine tuning - I feel very inadequate due to lack of training - even though i dont actually believe I am inadequate. I'm so confused about everything dance right now - except for ballet. Yoda --- and Female Yoda --- are great. Everything non-ballet just makes my head spin - in a bad way. Auditions are so infuriating with never being seen but waiting around for hours and hours and hours. And everyone keeps telling me - you have to pay your dues. But I feel - I DID pay my dues! I paid it doing all those poorly paying assistant directing jobs where I was treated like crap but did more work than almost anyone on the production team. (FYI - WIW was an AMAZING assistant directing job where I was treated fabulously!)
I also feel a little forsaken by Rovert. In my paranoid head I think he hates me and that is why he hasnt responded to my letter about ADing A Little Night Music - or really - anything he's done in the past three years in NYC. I thought I did a good job - but maybe I didnt?
So what do I do? Where do I go? Am I too spread out? If so - what should I focus on? I know the answer needs to come from inside myself - but no one seems to be able to offer any outside opinions. It makes me want to scream scream scream scream scream scream scream!
Then, socially, I've come to realize a lot of people have been using me - using me to cover their work shifts, to help them get jobs back after they are fired, etc... And I'm a little tired of it. So I find I keep throwing hissy fits - instead of laughing all the time (My laugh used to be infamous - you could hear it in the stairwell if I was in the girls dressing room) - I just cry and hissy all over the place. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What is up with me? This isnt who I am! I am a happy fun loving adventurous creative hard working person with a crazy laugh! I want the good times back!
So I'm seeking something wonderful - something wonderful to happen - all I need is faith and trust - and a little bit of pixie dust!
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