a wish. and a vent. And a wish.

I'm scared. I'm really very very very scared. I'm scared of being poor. I'm scared of no one hiring me. I'm scared that I won't get enough work to qualify for insurance after my MFL insurance runs out. I'm scared that I'll never get hired again. I'm scared that I don't know why I'm cut from dance calls. I'm scared of not being able to figure "it" out - how to support myself AND audition. I'm scared I'll always be frustrated. I'm scared I'll never have stability. I'm scared I'll never be able to buy myself a Burberry coat. I'm scared I overestimated my talent. I'm scared of having a "real people job." I'm scared of being an adult.

I'm upset I was cut from a final callback I should not have been cut from today. I'm upset that people who I think are not nice people play the political game so well. I'm upset that I don't have a job. I'm upset I have given my all and more and have nothing to show for it except an empty container of ice emotional from an emotional eating fest. I'm upset that I know my ballet technique is the BEST of the girls who I am constantly called back with but for whatever reason I can't let it show. I'm upset that I feel I always need to be better.

I miss the days where nothing mattered and everything was fun. I miss the days where I was awesome and I was just a barrel full of amazing potential and promise. I wish that being ready willing and able was enough. I wish that I didn't have to worry about contract and how many equity and non equity contracts are available, what's pre-cast, how man insurance weeks something gives, what the puzzle pieces are, who has local housing, etc... I just want to be happy. And carefree. And to have dreams come true. Please job fairy - come my way. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I WISH I MAY I WISH I MIGHT HAVE THE WISH I WISH TONIGHT! When you wish upon a star and a dream is a wish your heart makes - faith trust pixie dust - JOB! PLEASE! HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I am an incredibly strong dancer/singer/actress - HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HIRE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Second star to the right, north star, Orion Nebula, twinkle twinkle little star - HIRE ME!