This November is SO different than last Novemeber. In many ways - last November I was completely numb to everything - the most tantalizing piece of chocolate cake held no joy. (An involuntary anorexic - made so out of supreme depression?) In many ways this same depression - made me feel everything tenfold - happiness - sadness - frustration - you name it - I was an emotional mess laughing one minute bawling hysterically the next - aware of nothing yet aware of everything at once. A tap teacher once told me that people have a "pain body" and they get comfortable in it - almost enjoying the sensation of being in pain. In a sick demented way - I DO miss that. I miss the ability to not eat - I miss the ability to feel things so acutely - I miss the self discovery of every moment as I tried to articulate what I felt - I miss everyone flocking to me at all points in time to make sure I am ok - I miss the feeling of conquest every time I put a certain person in misery as well and the camraderie that built between people - very dark- very strange - but very alive - and yet dead at the same time. A schmorgesborg of contradiction.
This year - I seem to be the stable one - now paying back my truest friends by being their "rocks" as they break down on an hourly basis. It's strange the feeling of responsibility - and how that makes you, in a many ways, grow up. There are things that frustrate me and annoy me and make me want to punch people, but as a whole, I am happy. I am in a show, I just gave a vocal concert, I love my friends, I think I'm making progress with my career (at least training wise - right now there is literally nothing to audition for - not even belting tap dancing shows.) It makes me look at everything so differently. In many ways - far more logically and rationally - seeing a pumpkin doesn't send me into fit of elation - seeing a batman symbol doesn't drive me to hysterics. More of a calm enjoyment of the world - a more sedate frustration - trying to float down the river instead of paddle desperately upstream. In many ways - I love it - but I do miss the not eating --- haha.
Today we had tech for Pinafore - well - tech day 1. Went surprisingly smoothly and I confided in a friend what was making me uncomfortable - so we avoided the issues together - (she said she had noticed it and was wondering what was going on and thought it was awkward.) More importantly - I had an hour long Shakespeare conversation with four guys who call themselves thespians. Oh little did they know when they brought up Shakespeare what would happen... little did they know. One of them actually said "I don't feel that Shakespeare is relevant to our lives today and should never be presented." Aho! Aho! No no! No no! I'll leave the rest of this conversation to your imaginations! It was then followed by "Death and burial isn't an issue in Titus Andronicus." Ummmmmmm - A) I don't remember how this came up B) MY THESIS WAS ON THAT! (well my final paper for what was called my "thesis course." "What can we tell about how Elizabethans viewed death and burial in ancient Rome based on Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus." So - yes - imaginations once more. He then said "Romeo is a putz and I hate the play Romeo and Juliet." Imaginations. He then mentioned social change and Phillip Glass (Satyagraha anyone?) Imaginations again. Then - in a SUPERBLY bizarre chain of events - he asked if he could try a ballet lift with me. I gave his a skeptical look but said he could try. (Boy looks like - well - is my brother used to be "crappy toothpick" - he looks like "crappy rubberband.") So we do the lift - and he fails many times - before saying "I suck - I have no muscles." I can't tell if he was trying to show off - or just being weird - or trying to make me stop schooling him in Shakespeare...some old guy eventually joined the conversation and was like "wow - you know you stuff." (DUH!)
This is maybe why I don't get boys...blah...
Hrmmmm - MAYYYYYYYBE this is the best way to rid myself of the Pinafore problem "talk the creepy person to death about Shakespeare" - most excellent idea if I do say so myself!
Sleep well all of you out there in blogger land.
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