HFEUAYFHSUYGGAH!

I wish I knew things in the future - and could interrogate the universe to find answers and direction. And since I cannot flat out ask the universe questions - I wish the journey towards discovering them was not so expensive. Sometimes, life feels like one big scam to get all of my (not so abundant) money. Pay for this, pay for that, pay to travel, pay to train, pay to perform, pay to rent an apt, pay to eat, pay to get new dance shoes, pay to get cloths, pay to be seen by casting directors, pay to direct a show, pay to learn a skill that will theoretically pay you later, pay to get experience using this skill that will theoretically pay you later, pay to maintain and build upon this skill to compete with others in the field, pay to meet the right people, donate your time to this cause and that cause and to meet the right people, pay for advice, pay for insight, pay to take class, pay to take the subway that runs less and less frequently, get your friends to pay to see you, pay to publicize, pay to get filmed, pay to to join a casting agency, pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay pay -AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I don't know why I fail so badly at ever GETTING paid. I'm PHENOMENAL at spending - and I don't even buy cloths or shoes...but you want to learn choreography for an audition - PAY to learn it - want a vocal coaching PAY for it - want to work with an accompanist - PAY for it - want to take class - PAY for it - want to be seen by a casting director PAY for it! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Stop making me pay and give me a job already!

I don't know what the problem is - I'm scared it's me. I don't want it to be me. But I'm tired of blaming the universe...maybe it is - and I wish I wanted to do something else other than theatre --- I wish I wanted to be a lawyer, or doctor, or accountant, or executive, or CEO, or nurse, or architect, or whatever - but the thought makes me want to puke --- I always say I know I"m good enough - but what if I'm not? what if I'm not good enough at anything... not at acting, singing, dancing, directing, skating...what if I'm just ordinary- subpar and disillusioned...

I hate that I can almost touch it --- for so long - I've been SO close to it all - but why can't I actually enter the land of milk and honey - I didn't break any stone tablet - and WHY - when I try to be supportive - does it blow up it in my face? I sit around and listen to everyone else cry about how they arent cast - and then they ARE ----------------------------------and I get evil and jealous and upset - and wonder - why not me? And it makes me want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed...

But I do - every day --- endeavoring to persevere...

Maybe ---I'll get cast in OKLAHOMA in DC.