It may have SOMETHING to do with the fact my back is spasming, I have a weird itchy rash, and feel the oncomings of a cold - but - really - it's just the seemingly unliftable glooooooom.
I took this ex-NYCBallet dancers class today - it was actually really good - and really empty. I had a lot of fun in that - and the teacher was really encouraging. Then I had lunch with Amanda - and we saw two corgis out of the window. Then I went for a walk - but the weather was cold and gloomy so that wasnt the BEST idea - then I took my usual contemporary class and I talked to the teacher about choerographing for our showcase - she seemed VERY tentative - but agreed as long as it wasn't during "the busiest week of her life." That was slightly discouraging - but understandable. I head back from a few theatres, only one is available for any of the dates we were aiming for - and that was only the EARLIST date - which is undesirable as well - but some suggested OTHER theatres we look into. So we'll do that.
I guess I just wish someone would hire me for something cool. I know that sounds so nebulous and infantile. I just feel have a fabulous set of skills. Talking to Amanda and my friend Alena (from UM) reminds me of all my fabulous directing ideas. (Sometimes I take a mental step back and think - dang - how did I think of that - I'm a genius!) However, I've yet to find a venue or outlet to let these ideas come to fruition. I am a great dancer and great singer and do a Shakespeare monologue well enough. I look good enough. I speak French! I'm smart and a fabulous researcher! I have a curiosity of life - both the large epic events in current society and history as well as small inane silly stories that show the miniscule moments that make life so fabulous. I'm we read. I have a decent grasp on world and US politics. I'm a fabulous pastry cook. I can do a little gymnastic tumbling. I'm a good ice skater and roller blader - and I'm sure I'd be fabulous on heelies. I've worked with some truly amazing people who have taught me a lot. I am well travelled and know people from all over the world! (I learned how to say I would like chocolate ice cream in both Russian and Italian today!) I am cultured in virtually of all the arts - experienced in everything from stage management to printmaking to sewing to performing - to script writing - to playing the flute - to singing in Italian to even touching into Balinese dancing. I've been to many museums, can speak intelligently about the works the museums contain, whether it be air and space or classical and contemporary art. I have great marketing ideas for my shows and theatre. I believe I have at least passable people skills. I'm a go-getter! So why can't I even get hired as an usher or a restaurant hostess. I'm very confused. I feel I woudl be an asset to just about anything but a cleaning or styling service. How could I make myself an assistant director on Broadway and work with the RSC - but can't seem to function now - with all those amazing experiences under my belt. Did I use up all luck? Is the world so different? Am I so different?
I think that the gloom and doom comes from the fact that Yoda showed me that world I used ot belond to - and still do ---- he invited me back in - and I was like YES _ THIS IS IT! And I was super happy for those few days I was there - even if ballet isnt necessarily my world - just that meeting of minds and talent produces and energy that is unique and indescribable! Yoda himself keeps saying the world is different, so that world I dream of isn't really possible - part of it is the economy, part of it is the size of America/ the world - so you no longer have just one theatre producing all the great works, you have hundreds of creators peddaling their wares. Balanchine was able to produce 400 ballets! If ANyone was allowed to produce THAT MANY - surely you'll get one or two good ones! There were some heinous ones apparently, that Balanchine was able to forget about. These days its different. I just have to figure out how to survive in THIS society. How to be taken in a completely different direction and be ok with it - and roll with the punches. And that goes for every aspect of life. Otherwise I'm jsut gonna sit here as a depressed blob of yuck - which can be fun I suppose - but you know... the other thing is more fun.
I find even more befuddling is - inside I feel like this gross storm cloud - but the German dude said "I want to live with you because you smile all the time," and people keep telling me I have this inner light - and that I"m always bubbly and happy - so - I wonder what OTHER people's big inner storm clouds feel like.
I guess the difference is - I don't see much of a point in staying in bed - because that doesn't help anything. Instead I just keep on trying to figure out how to make something work. That doesn't mean I dont frustrated and want to decapitate puppies and what not. However, hopefully Charlie and I will make the showcase work. I'll keep going to auditions. Try to find some way of weasling my way onto Addam's family ---- and meeting peope - and trying to have fun.... I"m lucky to have Amanda Kat and Cara - who all like to have bizarre conversations about heironymous bosch or 18th century France and Shakespeare - yeah
I'm just venting - and listening to Les Mis in German - hahahaha....
And in the star wars movies - yoda isnt ALWAYS around - Luke has to go off by himself and Yoda is only there at the moments when he is needed most - so off I go - to whever Luke Skywalker goes -------
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