Late night emotions

I don't think I should ever allow myself to want anything. I have found - the MOMENT you would do ANYthing for something - that's the moment it runs away. That's the moment it eludes you and disappears. Well - that's not true - I've had a lot of wonderful wishes that I wanted very badly that came true. Recently though, I wonder if I've used up all my wishes.

I was doing a reallllly good job of not caring about RADA, until I stopped to look for accommodation - when - I saw such wonderful images of London, and Stratford, and Alan Rickman for some reason (the only place I've ever seen Alan in the flesh was in NYC - twice - so why he is in my London fantasy is beyond me), but all of the wonderful things...

I truly don't know why - but for some reason - THERE - in England - I am happy. I feel released - refreshed - invigorated - alive - motivated - spurred to action - relaxed - confident - and ---- just---- happy.

The very IDEA that I could live there - oh don't even DARE to think it for more than an INSTANT. Especially not on a hope so ridiculously ephemeral. I spent so long wanting that - every breath - and it didnt happen - and it didnt happen in such an unglamorous - wake up to reality and smell the rotten dying roses type of way - that it scares me to want that again.

And the truth is - if I don't get in - I'll be completely o.k. I have wonderful friends here - heck - I have a FABULOUS proposal for a FABULOUS play that - heck - why not just mount it here - or become an actress - or make SOMETHING work - for Pete's sake - SOMETHING has to work. I'm so good at so many things - SOMETHING HAS TO WORK! And it has to work SOON - because this - whatever is happening now - isn't working - so SOMETHING has to work - so I feel the way I feel when I'm sitting at the Dirty Duck with RSC actors after a day of creating wonderful works of art in a rehearsal room - it HAS to happen - SOMETHING HAS TO HAPPEN! I know it - does -some wonderful - I have believed for so long that something extraordinary is possible - now is the time for it to happen.