Dark River

I haven't posted here for some time, mangily because I've been afraid of what I might post.  My mind hasn't exactly been "happy."  It's actually been way darker than it's been for a very long time, possibly ever.

It is a feeling a failure.  Complete failure at everything.

It is asking, how could I have worked so hard in the past week, been up at 6 a.m. every day, not home until 11 p.m., and still only made $28 for the ENTIRE WEEK.  How is it possible to work for five tour guide companies, 1 pilates studio, and actor's equity, and make $28?  How is it possible to be applying for jobs every week, both theatre and non-theatre, and have the sum total of my effort be - $28?  There are seriously people who beg on the subway that make more money than I do.

It is trying to be thankful that I keep making it so CLOSE to getting theatre work, being overridden by the disappointment of never getting the cigar.  And being frustrated that I don't know WHY.  Every single bit of feedback I've been receiving is exceedingly positive.  Be it my "look," my voice, my acting, my dancing.  It's all positive.  I can't figure it out.  I don't know what I should be doing differently.  What I can be doing differently.  I take classes, I switched coaches, I tried t.v. and film, I try changing songs in my audition book.  Nothing seems to work.  It's just a constant feeling of not being enough.

It is the feeling of being sad because all of my friends are away - out of town - very very out of town. It is the frustration of feeling like everyone else is moving on - and I am still in the same spot, despite my efforts to change and grow.  It's sitting alone on Friday and Saturdays, not having enough money to see a show or a movie, but having no friends in town aside from creepy guys who want you to keep them company while their wives are away.  (WHY ARE GUYS SO CREEPY?)  It's wanting to hang out with Kat, Cara, Courtney, Loralee, Jean-Paul, Reinking, anyone - and having them be in Washginton, Guam, California, Baltimore, Chataqua, LA.  And while I certainly have lots of fun acquaintances - none of them really are in my "group."  None of them are people I feel completely comfortable being ME with  - and I just want my friends.

It's feeling like I've completely failed at any attempt at love.  And wondering why every guy I date wants "more."  Or wants to use me as a "placeholder" until something"better" comes along.  And wondering, why am I not ever it?

It's a strange loneliness of every commenting on how happy and smiley I always am, but feeling this very very very dark undercurrent at all times.  It's weird at equity to be called an "angel from heaven" and "the girl who makes auditioning a pleasure" and to collect so many guy's phone numbers (Many of whom I later learn ARE MARRIED! GAH!) but to be so confused and lost and frustrated.

I wonder why I've spent days and weeks learning tours that I give once a month.  I wonder why I trained in pilates to NEVER be called in to teach.   I wonder why I'm a talented "triple threat" who is without work.  It's accepting I might have to become - gulp - a waitress - and still try to hold my head up high and smile and know that it's because I am in a completely monogamous and undying love affair with the cruel mistress that is theatre - and I think that the fight  for one breath of ecstasy is worth it.  And I can't have it any other way - silly silly girl that I am.

And it's being very sad that there was a time I seemed to make all of my wishes come true - and now being frustrated I can't make any of them come true.  I can't even make my freaking "wish" to work RETAIL AT APPLE come true.  How is that possible?

And yet - every day - I force myself to wake up and go into the fire once more, hoping that it will be the day the magic happens - and a beautiful wish comes true.