off button

My brain NEVER shuts off! No matter how tired I am - I can't freaking TURN IT OFF to let me sleep! GRRRR! BRAIN! SHUT UP!

So I'm going to make a list of things that make me happy...

-chocolate

-GROM

-corgis

-guilty pleasure t.v. series like Buffy and Gossip Girl

-weird multilayered minimalist political operas

-glittery things

-podcasts about weird interesting facts

-singing

-high notes

-my friends

-making lists

-the brownies at the Met

-walking to clear my head (or attempt to)

-Sunshine

-Being outside at night, in strange lonely places oddly.

-that I can speak French

-quoting Shakespeare

-interviews with directors I admire

-quiet

-being weird

I am actually very lonely. I have all of these crazy thoughts in my head - and no one to share them with. I miss Sara from UM. We used to always build off of each others ideas. I miss Nathan. I miss Evan. I miss basement arts, where I could direct things...even if there was stupid political stuff with the theatre dept. I miss JLF and Andrew and Ellie and Frances. I miss my friend Dave from the Edinburgh Festival. I miss the Dirty Duck. I miss going to school and having discussions groups with people studying the same thing as me, maybe not the economics course...but the history and literature courses - definitely! I wish I could find my prince...I've never found a prince that I deemed my prince and who returned the feelings...what is wrong with me? And why can't I find someone - ANYONE - to share these thoughts with!? Why can't I go to the opera and actually have an intelligent discuss about it with someone? Why isnt anyone actually interested? In anything it seems. In space...in art...in science...in the news...I'm involved in this wonderful one way conversation with myself and I'm about to EXPLODE! And it feels like everyone I can have any sort of discussion with turns all teachery and lecturey on topics that one can't even teachery on. Why must a study of science turn into a study of religion? Why are people so vehemently atheistic? or vehemently relgious? Let me just be. Why did an usher at the met that I dance with go off about how HORRIBLE Nixon in CHina was while we were at a restaurant together and start telling random patrons to nto see it because it is a piece of shit? Was that really necessary? Can't we have a normal discussion? Agree to disagree? (For the record - her "reason" for it being a piece of shit" is that there is a blow job in it - and blow jobs shouldnt be on stage. First of all - it was a HAND job - and secondly - it had a very profound metaphorical and symbolic purpose about how everyone around Mao had to do whatever he wanted or be decapitated - and how sexually repressed Pat Nixon - the perfect American housewife was (and her husband) - vs. Mao who ran around doing whatever he wanted - but - at the time - you SHOULD have been listening to the text the NIXONS were singing- not staring off the the far corner at Mao and his secretary....and it was for MAYBE two minutes of a four hour long opera...come on!

And why isn't Candace ever here? She barely pays rent - making me go freaking CRAZY pushing her for money ALL the time she didnt finished paying me for last month until YESTERDAY when her dad mailed me a check - that is NOT o.k. - that is FIVE weeks late!!!!- and spends all the time her boyfriends house. Part of the deal is that she would be here helping me with music. Her boyfriend is out of the COUNTRY! HE isn't even THERE. COME HERE AND HELP ME LEARN MUSIC! Or let me pour out my crazy thoughts about this weekend - because - it was weird..........I even subletted out her room for a week to help her pay the rent while she was away. (With her consent of course.)

But mostly - I'm just reallllllllly lonely. And my brain won't turn off to let me sleep.