oxymoron emotions!:)

I think I'm more nervous now that I have a part than I was when I was auditioning! It's so hard to live up to your own expectations - I think I finally got my nerves and mental state for AUDITIONS under control - but as they say in figure skating - it's easier to attack the castle than defend it. So now I'm plagues by self doubts - and the fear that everyone is judging me - wondering why they didn't get the role - and of course - the music director discovered today that I can't read music - nor can I harmonize. She was super sweet about it - but I was disappointed in myself. Just a reminder of how much more work there is to do! I also am not sure why I'm cast as a belting alto - I've always been first soprano - even at Interlochen back in the day - so I've always had the melody - this - is new territory - scary territory - good experience territory. I'm glad I have such a supportive creative team - and a fabulous lovely kind Motel the Tailor for me to fall in love with each day at rehearsal. (Alas - he plays on Ferrip's team - so no one start thinking a real life match is being made!)

Today I also had to sing my belting part - shudder - I really can't belt - but oddly - the music director told me I was being too American Idol. She also kept telling the other sisters to sing in their "pretty soprano voices." SIIIIIIGH! I want to sing in MY pretty soprano voice! My belting voice is horrifying me! It's not even a true belt! It's a pathetic mix more on the soprano side! BUt - apparently - too American Idol at the same time! My acting - however - is apparently delightful. I need to learn how to do a Yiddish accent for my yente impersonation. ACK! Dialect coach anyone!?

The director is all into dramaturgy and research - and was THRILLED when I pulled out my copy of "Tevye the Dairy Man" - he wants us to do as much research as possible. When - RESEARCH I can do ! Research I am stellar at! I can out research most anyone in the world! I LOVE IT! I REVEL IN IT! I DELIGHT IN IT! I THRIVE IN IT!

I am also so thankful to my best friends who have such ridiculous blind faith! Casey, Davin, Kat, Cara, Danielle, Amanda, Jana, Nancy, JP, Mary, Alena, just sending support and listening to my insecurities! And just - in general - being happy for me. Which is also scary - I tend to thrive on proving people wrong - oddly - but - I suppose I'll have to translate that into proving people right as well!:)

The bizarre phantom may have gotten even more bizarre - as it turns out they have cast NO ONE but the ballet girls - and given NONE of the ballet girls actual characters - and - haven't returned my call about rehearsals to see if it conflicts. (Meanwhile - still having my nervous breakdown about inadequacies over fiddler! Which makes just saying phoo-ey to it all and assistant directing for the rest of my life very enticing...lol)

Ah - the brain of an artist - the inner turmoil - the suffering for your art - the existential despair - the passion - the love - the gratitude - the entire spectrum of emotions - all experienced at the same time - LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME! lol! Crazy!

But don't get me wrong - I am SO THRILLED to have my part in Fiddler - and - after I get my feet under me - will be stupendous! And will continue to have a fabulous time!:)