What is odd is I don't even know how to write about it or explain it in words. Or perhaps I don't want to admit things in words. Or face reality? I'm not sure.
For starters - I am completely surrounded by crazy people and am afeared I may be becoming crazy myself. It is a veritable cornucopia of crazy. We have the crazy delusional people who think they are amazing at whatever it is they are endeavouring to do - but in reality are quite heinous at it. We have the crazy people who lack all reason - therefore having a logical conversation with them in impossible. It's not even equivocating - its just lack of understanding simple syllogisms or laws of nature/facts of life. We have the crazy who claim to be your best friend but then say mean things to you about how you are ugly and an awful friend because you won't skip class to see Harry Potter with them. We have the crazy who sit in the chair next to you in the living room, stare, and provide a running commentary on every move yo make. We have the crazy who sleeps with a different boy every night and then ask why boys only see them as someone for "sex" not a "friend." We have the crazy 60 year olds who sign up for your book club which specifically says for 35 and unders... The list goes on and on and on. Why am I completely devoid of the ability to meet uncrazy people? How crazy must I be? I don't want to be crazy and delusional! HELP!
I fear I am in fact crazy though. I have no idea what Im doing with my life. Nothing seems to work out. I know I'm supposed to be this fabulous director - but I really have no desire to do it anymore. I CRINGE when people mention it. More to the point - I wasnt getting HIRED! After WIW - I was asked to do OBSERVERSHIPS and INTERNSHIPS - not JOBS. I wasn't being PAID. So why now would I pursue something I don't want to pursue that wasn't paying or hiring me? But what if that where my one and only talent lies? There? And I am forsaking it? Wasting my time piddling about elsewhere?
I WANT to perform. But what if the talent simply isn't there? Or perhaps the bigger tragedy, what if the talent IS there - and I am unable to cultivate it? I don't know what the deal is with dance. Ive been getting really positive feedback from my teachers and peers, but I'm still not kept at auditions. I have no idea what is going wrong. No one seems to be able to tell me either. Ever since I got back from Florida - taking dance class feels like a chore. I just think - what's the point - no one is going to hire me for this anyway.
Apparently my performing talent in the voice. I am a bit bitter on this topic. Don't get me wrong - I am THRILLED! I have ALWAYS loved singing! I was always sad that people told me my voice wasn't strong enough and I shouldn't pursue it. I figured however, it was a lost cause - and I should focus elsewhere. Suddenly - my voice apparently blossomed into the operatic coloratura soprano that IS strong enough. I told everyone I had no idea where it came from and I bring the tapes to prove I used to suck. When I went home - I listened to the tapes - and I did NOT suck. It actually sounds the way young coloratura sopranos sound. The problem wasnt that my voice sucked - it was that I was singing male belting songs - like STARS from Les Mis - so yes - it sounded weird. And I didnt want to work on Italian songs because then I would spend the entire lesson learning Italian instead of singing. If I had only followed through - and kept on training with the proper teacher- it is completely possible I"d be booking jobs. When I sat outside the Phantom auditions - I felt so inferior - listening to the girls hit their high Es and perform vocal acrobatics (and probably physical acrobatics) with them. Suddenly the fact I can merely HIT them seemed maudlin. My high notes - need to be cultivated - so they get the proper vibrato, crescendos, descrescendos, etc... but vocal training is the most ridiculously expensive thing I can think of. You are LUCKY if you can find a mediocre teacher for $60 and hour. Mary is WAAAAAAAAAAY more than that. One lesson a week when Mary is in town (which is one month here - one month in rome) just isn't enough. It helps - but it isn't enough. Especially when competing against girls who have had 4-7 years of intense vocal studio. I feel it is worth cultivating - however - it would appear I am the world's least hirable person on the planet. I can't get hired at williams-sonoma, to usher, to hostess, to babysit, to dogsit, to teach, to perform, to direct, or even to work as a receptionist. I don't what it is about me that makes me so unhireable. I think I'm a pretty good catch. But here I am - not getting hired.
Which I SUPPOSED brings us full circle - the place where I DO have training is directing. Again, however, NO ONE IS HIRING ME TO DO THAT EITHER. Perhaps it is the people who are hiring can sense I don't want to do it. The electricity that used to fill my brain when thining of new production isnt so much as sparking or sputtering. I don't know why. Perhaps my last assisting and directing exeperiences were so unpleasant I can't stomach the thought of repeating. It is true - I basically quit the theatre biz for two years after the last one - the revolutionaries - it was so unpleasant. It made me consider LAW SCHOOL. So yeah, directing aint really rocking my world at the moment.
A word about Law School. My mom seems to think I purposefully failed the LSAT. No matter what I say she won't believe otherwise - but I assure you - I did NOT fail that on purpose. I worked SO HARD on that test. I went to my tutoring sessions I did every practice test made available, did the exercises, read the books. If I had known that Chloe would be throwing parties at the doggie house whilst I was doggie sitting - I never would have gone. HOWEVER - Chloe and her sister weren't even allowed to BE in the doggie house - the DOORMAN was told to not let them in - but they busted through the back entrance and brought their friends. I needed the money, and the doggie house is big and quiet under normal circumstances, and way closer to Chelsea Piers where I was working, so it should have been EASIER for me there - but unforseen circumstances dictated otherwise. I was also going through a really bad "break up" with Jean-Paul - at the time - which had me - at an all time emotional low - which wasn't helping either - but one can't do anything about that. I was doing the best I knew how. I did not fail the LSATs on purpose - but more importantly - I think we can all agree the law profession is not right for me - even the tutors told me so.
But outside of theatre - I don't really know what else I want to do - or CAN do. The thought of being a pilates instructor is unappetizing as I refuse to pilates myself. I know I need to suck it up and do SOMETHING - but I don't know what. I also feel like I've spent so much time splitting my attention between plan A and plan B that neither ever fully developed into what they should be. I don't know how to rectify that and I feel the clock constantly ticking - time is of the essence.
I've applied to a dozen jobs or so in the week since I've been back - but have heard back from nothing. To make matters worse, whilst attempting to make money so I can take voice lessons/Mary's vocal workshop - I apparently owe an electricity bill in Philadelphia, I have a mysterious PayPal charge that even PAYPAL can't explain to me, and turns out the NY Tax people didn't remove the warrant after all. THe thought of more days on the phone with them is nauseating. I want to stop paying my bills entirely - since apparently actually paying my bills does no good.
I basically feel like a failure who contributes very little to life except being a friend to the crazy people who inhabit my life. I can't seem to make anything work - and I fear I'm becoming my Uncle Dave. I don't want to be my uncle dave!!!!!!! All my life I've laughed at Uncle Dave. I don't understand though. I am smart. I am talented. I am attractive. Why can't I make anything work? Is it lack of dedication? Focus? commitment? stick-to-it-ness? Ability? What is it?
Meanwhile - while I'm trying to make something work - I have people on my back about not being well rounded enough. I can't even make what Im focusing on work. I'm not going to split my attentions on becoming an expert on Sotomayor as well.
What I need desperately is a mentor. And Peers. I don't feel I have either. Yoda is great - but he isn't really what I need. He isn't IN the world Im trying to be in. And his knowledge is limited mostly to dance. He can't help with the voice - or acting - nor does he know anyone who can help get me cast. Mary is about as close as a get - but I'm scared to ask her for a chat - and I dont want to waste time in my lessons asking her deep life questions - I want to learn to sing. No one I hang out with I could be called my peers. For the most part they are all younger than I am - and almost none of them went to college. The people who SHOULD be my peers - like Iowa - are flat out unhelpful, unsupportive, and at times mean. (friend teaching me mermaid stuff excluded.) My attempts to meet peers invitably fail. I can't even start a bookclub without it filling up with CRAZIES.
I don't know what to do. I don't know which path to take. I don't know how to be optimally productive. I don't know how to contribute to society. I thought I knew - but I guess I don't - or didn't. I need to figure it out. I need to make it work. Endeavour to persevere. It is darkest before the dawn. If you can watch the things you gave your life to broken and stoop and build'em up again with worn out tools, into the fire, all that jazz.
I'm sick of being lost. I just don't know where to pull over for directions. Or where to buy a good GPS system.
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