mental explosion

Today - I found myself staring into the abyss being incredibly bored. And I got mad at myself. How - could I possibly be bored? It is selfish and ungrateful for me to be bored. Then I realized - it wasn't boredom - it was frustration. There are SO many things I WANT to be doing - but am not - because for whatever reason - I perceive I cannot at the moment - and I want to change that - I just don't know how.

I WANT to be like the figure skaters training super hard for a goal, going to photoshoots, promoting products, guest starring on shows, running educational seminars, writing blogs and articles that people actually read, competing performing, rehearsing, collaborating, creating, but I am not. Why?

Well first of all - I am not yet famous - so no one particularly wants me to endorse their product.

But I wonder - why am I not famous - or even really working? Have I not done enough self promoting? How do I self promote? How do I get an agent who will book for auditions and educational events and photoshoots and t.v. shows? How do I get seen at auditions?

Well I came up with a few ideas. First of all - I figured out how to get AFTRA work. You go to Central Casting on any Tuesday or Thursday and get photographed for "extra work." So - I can now join AFTRA and wait a year - and get my AEA card. Hooooray.

I can also get people to come see Fiddler. The problem is - no one on the publicity team will give me the go ahead on anything. They won't give me the not go ahead either. They just don't respond. It's like shouting into the wind - or even spitting into the wind. I wrote an article to submit to the publications that I've been speaking to about judging systems - and no one will even say - it's good - submit it! WHAT!? Don't THEY want people to come see the show?

I started submitting myself to people - but I 've yet to hear back from anyone. Even Broward Stage denied me an audition! WHAT? I have HOUSING! I am basically FREE for them!? Why won't they see me? GAH!

There is a really good season for me in St. Louis. I've been considering flying out there - but they require you have local housing - and need to provide two documents proving you are local - so----- the good thing is - you are REQUIRED to have your equity card at the end - but I don't know how to prove I am a native of St. Louis.

There is always Fabrizio - who - as always - is my white knight - and seems to give me work whenever he can.

Apparently there are open mic nights of sorts - where you can go an perform a Broadway song with a pianist - and be discovered by - what will probably be a bunch of old gay guys - but hey - I'm in a business where old gay guys are quite powerful.

I can make one of the working dance teachers falls desperately in love with me and use me in all of their work - but so far - Fabrizio is the closest I've come to this. (I will happily work for Fabrizio wherever he may lead!) lol.

Mary is having an agent workshop she wants me to sing at - where casting directors will hear some of her students who she feels are ready.

I've started working on the LOVE NEVER DIES music - so when they need a Sierra understudy when the show comes to Broadway - I'll be there! It's high soprano music - I love it.

I also want to get my pilates certification - so I can teach pilates and earn money- and bond with casts I'm involved with by offering pilates before rehearsal.

I think I have the training part down - I am extraordinarily diligent about taking class and practicing my voice. Obsessively so.

I updated my website - both directing and created a "performer" section. I also created a "performer" twitter - a "professional" twitter so to say. I figure if I just start acting like everyone cares about my twitter and website - maybe they will.

I also can't believe I have to deal with the roommate situation again. I'm PRAYING that JP lives with me - but I guess you never know. I have a few options - which is good. It will be better when there is a signed sealed and delivered deal.