I always have obsession -people I look up to - want to be - have fake crushes on - etc... and somehow I perceive them as being "better" than me - unattainable - a step ahead, however you want to look at - I don't see them as my peers - I see them as my superiors.
Until - "Fabrizio." I put Fabrizio on a pedestal - he was in Little Mermaid - he had done three Broadway shows - smart - intelligent - a teacher at NYU - what wasn't to love? Fabrizio was unlike my other idols though - in that - I actually - KNOW him. And I met him - not by oogling at a stage door - I met him - because we were in a workshop - TOGETHER - we sat next to each other on stage - and danced with each other - in the same piece. Yet I was still in wonder.
I have continued to be in wonder for - what I believe is two years now - but then something very strange happened. He started teaching an OPEN dance class at NYU - where I could attend. I attended because - heck - no other good classes were on Sunday - and he is pleasant to look at. I started the class - very timid - I had always believed I was somehow inferior because I didn't have an MFA in Musical Theatre - therefore would be shunned by the NYU kids. However, the opposite happened. In some weird way - they looked up to me - they thought I was an FABRIZIO's level. I was like - oh no no no! I learn Mermaid choreography from him - I'm not IN Mermaid - was never in Mermaid (except in my brain.) But that was how they viewed me. And I guess they started calling me "Ms. Legs!" because I'm so flexible - and said that I was welcome to NYU anytime - and could take any of their classes. Then I heard Fabrizio talking about me to some people - and whenever he describes me - he talks about me like - I'm his equal - and sometimes - he looks up to ME! To ME!? What? My "optimistic' attitude - work ethic, etc... my ballet technique - it's all INCREDIBLY strange --- could I POSSIBLY be on the same level as Fabrizio?!?!?!?!?! Then he asked me to collaborate with him and another person from Mermaid on a book they're writing. WHAT? And get paid to do it. Wait - am I even qualified to do this? I guess so...
Then - people at work (at Steps) started saying things - things like - if you don't get your equity card I'm gonna march up to equity to shout at them myself - and - so few people can do all three as well as you - and - I'd make a joke about my singing - and expect everyone to laugh (about how I torture people when I sing and they have to listen to me pretend to be Christine in Phantom) and they say things like "Nonono! What's sad is you think that - but it's beautiful! We love listening to it!"
Wait? What? People WANT to listen to it? People actually want to hear me sing Phantom of the Opera? While cleaning a dance studio? And not laugh at me?
Could it be - that I'm actually - an incredibly strong triple threat? REALLY? Who - if given the chance - is indeed on par with Fabrizio? Is the only thing standing in my way - me? And viewing me as - somehow - a second-class citizen? (and the lacking of a certain card?)
It is a strange realization - to realize you are - indeed capable of immense success - and allowing yourself permission to attain that. It's freeing - and horrifying - I imagine a bit like hang gliding.
But it's true - I have to view myself as every bit as worthy capable willing and able as everyone on Broadway - otherwise - how will I convince the casting directors I'm ready? And I AM ready. So - here we go! On an amazing adventure - knowing that I belong in the world - this world - I'm not Ariel staring up from the ocean wishing she had legs - I HAVE legs - and now - I have to stand! YAY metaphors!
And this was a very bizarre entry.
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