German guys is really sweet and respectful - but I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE OUT LOUD WHILE I"M EATING MY ICE CREAM AND WINDING DOWN. I want to plan my day and watch Sierra Videos - and stalk on facebook - and not have to "connect' with anyone. I don't want to explain my auditions to someone - explain my how to "spot" when turning - explain why I'm singing one song and not another - or be explained to about amazing salsa dance moves. I understand these are lal just his way of reaching out - but I do not want to be reached out to during my MEGAN time. It's MEGAN time. If my door is closed to my bedrooma nd I'm in it - DO NOT TRY AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME THROUGH THE DOOR. I want to be ALONE. And whie you're at it - PLEASE STOP BUYING ECONOMY SIZED PORTIONS OF JUNK FOOD. I do NOT need FOUR extremely large boxes of chocoalte cookies on the counter - I do not want to SEE them - I do not want to KNOW about them - chocoalte cookies do not EXIST for me - what is the deal little dude? DO you ever get nutrition?
At the same time - I'm very much in need of my other half. Throughout time - I've had various other halves - Amelie, Megan, Kristen, Morgandigo, Sara, Reinking, Evan, Ferrip, Batman, but at the moment I"m without an "other half." It feels very incomplete. It is something I want back in my life very badly - but it isnt something you can go looking for. I am very fortunate to have many friends - but no one who I actually feel connected to. Amanda comes closest at the moment - but she is in Buffalo. But even when Amanda is here, she is still just a very good friend, not a second half. Someone who is just plugged into you - and you to them - you never tire of their company and they never tire of yours - and you build upon eachothers ideas, excite and inspire eachother, and share curiosities about life. Right now I dont feel as though anyone is on my same exact wavelength - and it is a lonely frustrating feeling that causes many an emo hour.
Also - I always have a difficult time with summer. I know this sounds ridiculous - how could you NOT love running out into sheep's meadow in central park donning a bikini with a water bottle filled with vodka! Summer always makes me feel out of control and unstructured. My brain is a large nebulous mass of inspiration, imagination, and random facts about Bananas (I'm currently reading a book titled BANANA THE FATE OF A FRUIT THAT CHANGED THE WORLD.) Without some sort of structure - it just floats around shapelessly absolutely useless. With structure - it can be invincible. Summer means that the normal structure of the "school year" and "audition season" is gone - so all of my friends go haywire. Let's drink until 4 a.m. every night and eat obscene amounts of food, skip class and auditions to play frisbee, and so on and so forth. I cant' function in any sort of a productive fashion under such circumstance, so my challenge for this summer is to NOT lose control - to NOT get fat and lazy and complacent. TO enjoy myself sure - but remember my goals and dreams and not lose sight of those. It will be difficult - but I can't be subject to the negative influence of others.
Also - Gina had her baby today. Welcome Baby Finn to this wild and crazy topsy turvy world...
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